To want more sex

[Billiam]

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

Pleased for you WW83

Im so glad that you have found happiness Estrellita.

Some days i cope better than others. Feeling a bit depressed about it all tonight.

to you darkesteyes. I truly hope that things get better for you.

What a lovely post estrellista - sorry you had to cope with how your EXH made you feel but you have obviously come out the other side and you sound so happy now and it seems like you have a perfect little family too. I'm glad you are now in a thriving relationship and that you have your confidence back.

Thanks to those for the congratulations - I was actually surprised how easy it was. I found myself lying there next to him being far more forward than I normally am I.e leaving no doubt as to what I was after, and I think it's because I had this thread imprinted on my mind. I just kept thinking to myself, "you have to have sex tonight! You have to a make this happen, you need to try and get things back on track. He even turned the film off before it finished in order to commence with the sex, I was kind of expecting him to just lie there and maybe give me some return attention after the film so I was quite surprised by his eagerness.

Now I need to decide my next plan of action - do I persevere and go for it again tonight or tomorrow or wait a while and see if he initiates anything?

Woo hoo Writer!

would the success of last night be able to open a conversation with him as to how often you and he feel would be an acceptable amount? While he is still remembering that he enjoyed it and before you slip back into the rut routine?
Then, going from that, you have a sort of 'schedule' to know when to next make a move - if you feel that it will be down to you to keep things on track?

Spink in the study you linked to, "partner attractiveness" was given as a reason. Maybe men really are as shallow as badger.

DH wanted me to apologise for the things I said in the argument

What things?

Writer I am SO envious!!! Hope it continues for you.

I think my DH is really jealous. I look after myself and weigh the same as the day we met. People say I look like a famous model, I think Im ugly. When I get compliments he pretends not to hear, he tells me I look nice occasionally.
I rarely go out without him but I feel empowered after this thread so I have decided to go out more and get my own life, not just the life of a mother and neglected wife.

Puzzle Do you mean, you want to follow in Estrellita's footsteps?

Tell him that. Give the reassurance.

Wombles, I think my DH partly uses it as a form of control. He constantly sends mixed messages for example last night he wanted to cuddle on the sofa and then when we go out he looks at me in a horrible way and ignores me. I cant be bothered to play silly games. If I got my confidence back a bit I would feel better in myself.
I dont even know if I can be bothered to have a normal relationship with him. I do love him but I dont know how I love him. Its so confusing.
When I look at all the clues it points towards him being gay or having an affair, I dont think hes either but the wife is always the last to know.

wombles My DH has also read this thread. I think it's what prompted us to have a productive, adult conversation yesterday - initiated by him, WTF! shock

Just my thoughts on this matter. So many women have posted on here that it has been a relief to finally know that they are not alone in this and I'm sure that there are many more that have read the thread and had the same feelings but not posted.

As women, we - generally - have more chance and willingness to talk about issues either in real life or on forums like this. Yet this has very much been an issue that it looks like many of us felt that we couldn't talk about openly before - I certainly have never mentioned it to anyone before.

So I was just thinking, how much more difficult is it for men to talk about or even acknowledge that this is happening? OK, I know that it's a stereotype that men don't talk about feelings and issues as much as women do and I am very wary about relying on stereotypes. However, my own experience of men has matched the stereotype so I'll go with it.

I would guess that a lot, if not most, men buy into the ''ideal'' of men being ''confident and dominant'' and ''always up for it''. So, if a man, for whatever reason, does have a lower sex drive than his partner it can be very difficult for him to admit it when he is questioned by his partner or even consciously acknowledge it to himself.

So when people have posted here that they get no response from their partner as to why they are like this I personally don't feel that most men are deliberately avoiding the question or the issue but I really believe that a lot of the time the men involved genuinely don't understand the reason for their lack of sex drive and, for whatever reasons, cannot even acknowledge it to themselves.

I think that perhaps wombles idea of showing her dh this thread - I think somebody else also mentioned about doing that as well - is an excellent idea in that it demonstrates that he is certainly not the only man that is in this situation and it demonstrates in a very non-confrontational way how this may be affecting his partner.

These are just my thoughts based on what I went through. I may be talking total rubbish though

nettle - I could have the conversation with him about how important it is we keep up with our sex life etc but there's little point - we have it every time we have sex and it still doesn't change anything. Plus, with me being as pregnant as I am I don't want to put pressure on myself to feel like I have to stick to an agreed routine if I just don't feel up to it. I definitely feel that some progress has been made though - and it's all down to this thread. I'm going to set myself another aim of the day : to go for a full on passionate kiss when he comes home from work I will not tolerate just a Hen Peck kiss today!!

wombles yes, that bit of the study was a bit depressing.

But thinking about it, I wonder if there are some vicious circles that get formed - that the less you have sex, the less sexually attracted you are to your partner, the less you have sex. And they only picked up on a part of a circle. Certainly having sex makes me feel more sexy and see dh as more sexy.

There is also evidence that 'visual cues' play more of a part in sexual arousal for men than women, and I know for me, over time I put less effort into wearing sexy underwear & would never do my hair & make up for a night in with dh. So I WAS objectively less attractive, in that way. I think there are myths that a good sex life = sex life that just 'happens' 'naturally' when in reality to sustain a good sex life over time both partners need to work at it and put in some effort. In my relationship, my end of that does mean shaving my legs occasionally .

nickymanchester how would you explain away cherrys husband lying and deceiving her about going to the counsellor and then the fact that he "flipped" when she confronted him ,wiped his phone log and she had to go through the phone company to get to the truth.

Some of the partners and indeed families mentioned on this thread ARE emotionally abusive.
Which is also why showing this thread to our partners wouldnt work for everyone and could escalate the emotionally abusive behaviour.

Spink i lost TEN STONE and it still didnt make a difference.
Saying its down to the "visual cues"that men prefer is a thinly veiled way of making it the womans responsibility again.

Do you know what? After losing all that weight i did have some loose skin It didnt make a difference to my ex OM though He really desired me And there was this thing called sexual chemistry between us which was electric based on much more than just looks.
Because i felt confident in bed with him i wanted to pleasure him in every way i possibly could and he felt the same towards me.

Now if some men want to miss out on having something like that in their lives because they are shalllow....well MORE FOOL THEM.

Incidentally OM did NOT care whether i waxed my legs or not. It STILL did NOT make a difference in bed.
THIS is the kind of man i would like to be with again someday I will NOT tolerate any less.
So if anyone EVER thinks that because i have been/am in a sexless marriage.....that its made me so desperate that i will put up with anything ......they would be VERY VERY wrong!!!!!!

dark I've been mindful of that when I've been posting - I am aware that for me, the problems with sex have luckily been in the context of a generally happy and trusting relationship, and in that context doing what nicky suggests I think has a lot going for it.
You're of course totally right though that where sex difficulties are in the context of more EA relationships it is not so straightforward.

and to add to what nickymanchester was saying - I was talking today to a colleague who works for Relate offering sex therapy & it made me think of this thread.

She said that the vast majority of the couples she works with come to Relate because of a "mismatch in sexual desire" and that there is a pretty equal split in terms of which partner is concerned about not having enough sex ie. it does not seem to her that this is mostly a problem for men who want their women to have more sex, even if that is the way it tends to be perceived in our society.

Thank you for reading my post Writer, I'm surprised that it still hurts so much to remember and write about, despite the length of time passed and my present happiness. So glad your DH was responsive, and I ,hope that it will be the start of a good turnaround for you both.

Those of you who have shown your partners this thread, o admire your bravery. If I would have done such a thing back in the day with my ex it would have been a total shitstorm. He used to give me the silent treatment for days whenever the issue was (gently, gently) raised.

What made it such an utter headfuck was Joe loving and kind he was outside the sex issue. We had a very romantic, storybook beginning to our relationship. We are both artists and did some amazing creative work together. We inspired and encouraged each other. All our friends thought we were a great couple. No one knew how miserable I was, or the extent that relationship damaged me.

Every situation is different but I'm so glad I got free and moved on.

Sorry for the typos, posting on crappy phone.

but dark I didn't mean that visual attractiveness is all there is to it! it is ONE possible factor in a whole load of others.

Men and women's sexual desires DO work differently, it's not about saying it is either persons responsibility - all aspects of a relationship and making it work surely are both partner's responsibility. Shaving my legs does not make or break my sexual relationship with my dh, but I do recognise that it makes a difference to him if I take more care over my appearance, just as it makes a difference to me if he is more 'romantic'. Both of us have to make more of an effort to do that for the other.

sorry if I've been confusing, I wrote my 15.38 post before I saw your 15.37 post dark

Spink yr colleugue who works for Relate. Her comments tally with what the therapist Andrew G Marshall says He says its an even split too.

No probs Spink.

and I agree that chemistry trumps everything else, while it is there. I do wonder how many people have as much chemistry long term as at early years of a relationship. DH & I definitely have to work at keeping the chemistry there - for us it is like a flame we need to tend to, it has an energy of its own but would go out if we didn't nurture it at times. I would love to have a relationship where the chemistry is huge and always around, but it isn't the way for us.