To want more sex

[Billiam]

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

Unfortunately my long post is copied and pasted from an article i wrote for another website last spring. So i cant find the jezebel article now And the thread started by a woman wanting to cool her husbands ardour .....ive hunted and hunted for that since and cant find it ...i will try and have a look for the jezebel one. x

Oblomov Good for you for seeking help. What did the GP say?

our anger, upset and frustration stems from the fact that our partners refuse to acknowledge or do anything about their problems. The abuse isn't the problem itself. The abuse is the fact they are knowingly hurting us, destroying our self worth, yet don't care enough to do anything about it.

I agree with this. My DH is making a real effort with the sex therapy, so I feel a lot less resentful and I don't feel I'm being abused now. If he had refused counselling however, that's a completely different matter. My heart goes out to all the people on this thread who have a dismissive DP.

Has anyone ordered that book I linked to up thread? My DH is currently reading it himself. It's prompting him to have conversations with me about the issue!! How amazing is that!!

I think that when its a woman with a low libido the situation differs slightly from the man with the low libido.

This is true, simply from a biological perspective at least. The woman can lie back and think of England, so to speak.

TantrumsandBananas why did he want to return to sleeping in the same bed?? What do you mean, he laughed, when you initiated foreplay?

This lack of understanding makes women scared to speak out.

Yep, I agree. When I tried to discuss this issue on a different forum a while back I was met with: "he's gay" or "you must be ugly" or "he's having an affair". Would they have said that if I was a man?

I FOUND IT

jezebel.com/shockingly-trite-sexist-notions-about-female-desire-ar-484371788

This lack of understanding makes women scared to speak out.

Yep, I agree. When I tried to discuss this issue on a different forum a while back I was met with: "he's gay" or "you must be ugly" or "he's having an affair". Would they have said that if I was a man?

Its turning the problem back onto the woman again. Because when men dont want it ...its our fault and when women dont want it....hey guess what.....its also our fault... Pure mysogyny.

Thanks for the link! Interesting article.

It says:

"women tend to experience ‘responsive desire’” — in which interest is sparked after sexy times have begun — “while men experience ‘spontaneous desire,’” which seems to spring, so to speak, out of nowhere.

Hmmm what this is saying is that men have to initiate sex for women to get aroused, or have I read it wrong?

I think the important point to take from the article is simply:

"the frequency of low desire in a relationship is pretty much consistent across gender lines".

And this.

As exemplified in the WSJ's recent "article," we just can't get enough of the "frigid and withholding woman vs. wildly desirous man who deserves more sex than he's getting" narrative.

Sums it up nicely

Wombles.... when he eventually admitted to not going to counselling I couldn't stop crying. He promised there would be no more lies. If only....
I do feel controlled and abused. But its very very subtle! I work full time, Im financially independant...broke but not reliant on anyone. I have a hobby that takes up a lot of my time. I go out to gigs and just dance all night. But I feel his silent disapproval. No compliments, no gropes or snogs, piss taking [no thats a JOKE!!! Have you had apsense of humour bypass Cherry?]. He makes rude remarks about the tv I watch, the music I like, the clothes I wear. All my friends say Im funny and make them laugh. But he never laughs at my jokes...yet Ive been with him when someone else tells the same joke he falls about laughing.
I made the mistake of asking why he does not want more sex as he obviously enjoys it. He said what on earth makes you say that Cherry? Um, you get and maintain an erection, we dont have quickies, you orgasm. His response was that its been proven in a court of law that a woman can rape a man. That made me feel so dirty.
Well dear reader, I am no angel, and last summer I had an EA with an old work colleague that I bumped into. And Im ashamed to say I slept with him twice before I came to my senses and finished it. I hate myself for doing it. But it was ten years of rejection that was the driving force. And I told DP. He had no suspicions, didntghave a clue, but I felt he should know. I thought he could leave me, for good reason, or it would be the kick up the arse he needed to start working on his problem and for BOTH of us to work on the relationship. He has remained impassive. No tears, no anger, he saidghe's not happy about it but it cant be undone.

His response was that its been proven in a court of law that a woman can rape a man.

Which case was this?? And what was your DH's point?

Why did you end the EA?

Why don't you leave him Cherry? If I had sex with another man and my husband didn't seem bothered I would probably feel even more shit about myself. That level of Impassiveness or disregard for the sanctity of the relationship would just kill me.

He has not been able to show me this proof. All Ive found is statutory rape of a minor or a case of a woman drugging a man and having sex with him against his will. DHs point is just because he can and does have sex it doesnt mean he wants to or enjoys it.
I finished the EA because it made me feel sleazy and up until that point Ive always been loyal. My first relationship was 6 years, with my husband for 17 years, until he died, and my current partner. Ive never had a ONS ffs! The affair was not the amswer, but proved to me that I am attractive to men, just not the one I love with all my stupid blind heart.

Why dont I leave him? Fuck knows. Im probably the most screwed up person I know!

Did he accept your affair was a direct result of his treatment of you? I.e you sought desire from someone who was prepared to give it to you? What was his response?

I had a bit of a midlife awakening last year, when I turne 50. I was going to sort my life out. Then I got ill. And then I found a big lump in my breast [not cancerous] but due to extensive family history Ive been having regular mamms and Im now waiting for my BRCA results. And as if thats not enough scans show I have changes on both ovaries and there is family history of ovarian cancer. I dont have anyone in RL to support me thru this. My children know somethings wtong, but I dont want to tell them until I have a diagnosis.
So Im just not strong enough at the moment to deal with DH.

His response eas a sarky ""oh thats alright then"". He hasnt wanted to talk about it, although he said it should show me how much he does love me as he forgives me. But brings it up when we argue.

cherrytree63 Women can't rape men. Legal fact.

Thank you wombles

Darkest My situation isn't abuse. I'm not in a position to determine if anyone else's situation is or isn't abuse. I thought this thread was one in which we were all breaking our silence and describing our own situations to make others feel they are not alone. I hope my circumstances have been informative to some and I'll bow out now

I'm male and I only feel like it about once a week or two. My partner and I are both in our mid-late 30s. She told me she'd ideally have it 2 or 3 times a day (not sure how true that is in reality, although she has always wanted more than I can give). I can't speak for anyone else, but I can be honest about my reasons here. Women don't age that well, especially after children, and I feel pretty sure that if I were with a sexy early 20s woman (as if!), my interest would substantially increase. Also, women fail to realise that men peak sexually in their teens and early twenties, while women of that age (most, not all) are busy avoiding sex in the belief that Brad Pitt will come along. By the time they realise they're nothing special and decide to sleep with men on their level (late 20s/early 30s), we're not that interested any more. We've done our porn viewing, our libido has gone down and it just doesn't appeal.

Sitting here open mouthed at that, badger.

I know I'll get grief for it AnnBryce, but honesty is required sometimes. I think the other side needs to be stated. Sorry it shocked you.

I've been reading this thread on and off since it was posted, often nodding along in agreement, sometimes shaking my head with that can't be us. I think atm I am in denial about the lack of sex in my relationship with DH, I have to say thank you for starting this thread, I'm going to read some more and then discuss with my DH.

Badger thanks for making us all feel soooooo much better [sarcasm]

I was just trying to give an insight into how I see it Binky, since I'm in this position myself. I know men aren't perfect, far from it; but sometimes it seems we get the blame for this situation. My partner works in a female dominated environment and tells me that none of her colleagues get as much as they'd like either. I sometimes wish I could tell her why....

And you're Richard Gere, I suppose, badger ? What a load of toss.

You're pretty shallow aren't you badger?

You're not telling it how it is, you are just displaying an outstanding level of ignorance.

Yep, it's hard to flick that switch on again when it's been shut off by rejection. I described it up thread as a defence mechanism. Would you agree?
Definitely, I feel this is 100% the reason. I had enough of the will we/won't we thoughts, If he thinks I'm going to try with him the feeling that his arm around me is made from stone if (God forbid) I lay my head on his chest, enough of stomach turning at the thought of initiating then his rejection and more than enough of feeling like a big black, depressive curtain of fucking doom was hanging over our bed as I waited for the peck goodnight then his rolling over as he fell asleep while I often silently sobbed :(

no matter what we are doing or what we are talking about, in the back of my mind there is always a little voice saying, "Why don't you want to have a sex with me?" Yes to this and also yes to what someone previously said about becoming sex obsessed - that's how it makes me feel too.

My Dp takes my bringing up the sex subject as a personal attack (I'll admit it often has been when my hurt and resentment has boiled over ) he once said that I was a fucking nympho

Jesus! forgive me for wanting more intimacy between us - my reply to his comment was ' If I was, I certainly wouldn't be still in a relationship with you, would I'

As I said in my previous post he does try to reassure me (what's the fucking point really as it doesn't) I don't believe that he finds me attractive, I find myself irrationally creating bullshit 'he's only with me because.... insert a whole shit load of reasons'
I'm also told I'm his best friend and It really feels that we are cohabiting mates, I feel so sad to write that but I don't fucking want nor need another friendship - I want and need a lover. :(

Also begged him to just be honest and tell me why, no matter how bad it was, it couldn't be worse than feeling worthless, we could both be happy in different relationships, we deserve to have happiness, just tell the truth god damn it! Nope (sighs)

Religion was mentioned earlier - Dp is RC - was raised in quite a strict religious country - however I don't think this plays a part with him.
What I feel could possibly hold something is the fact he was emotionally scarred at around 10 yrs old by his mother conducting a lengthy affair (he's 32 now) he is still hurting from it - he also found she was at it again around 6 months ago.
He's not a women hater or anything like that, doesn't generalise that 'all women will cheat' or anything similar but he does have issues which could be helped if addressed properly.

ED was mentioned also - Dp has now caused himself PE - because its so long between intercourse he seems to have over sensitised himself to the feeling of a vagina - it's over very quickly. It adds to my frustration but I don't comment at all as A) it will possibly make it worse and B) we don't fecking have regular sex anyway for it to bother too much :)

Thanks once again to all who have posted x