To want more sex

[Billiam]

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

^There does seem to be a pattern. Do your DH work long, odd hours travel a lot?

what are they like with their phones^

I really would suggest this is - generally speaking - not about them having affairs. Where have you got this idea from that there is a ''pattern''?

I would also strongly suggest, this is just from my own personal experience, that continual questioning, shouting or getting angry at dh is actually very counter productive.

At least in my case, I do genuinely believe my dh when he tells me that, when we were going through this he really had no idea why he didn't want to have sex with me. Even to this day he cannot articulate why this happened during this period. I don't think that my dh is unusual in this.

This was actually one of the things that further deterred him from initiating sex during this time as he knew that I would want to talk about the reasons afterwards and he knew that he didn't have any answers.

Personally, I think that quite a lot of women do over think things sometimes. I know that I'm certainly guilty of doing that. So, in the end I just gave up trying to understand why and just did something about it. I did a long post back on about page 8 about how we eventually got over this.

Purplemonster

I think that's what really gets to me, it's HIS problem and if he cared about my feelings or our relationship surely he would do anything he could to fix that problem and mend the gaping chasm between us but no, he just ignores it and what? Hopes I'll go away? Because the way things are going... I've been telling myself for most of the four years we have been together that I can't live like this much longer and yet here I am, still miserable sad wish I'd left years ago

I do totally understand your feelings - I've been through this myself.

However, please stop and think about things from the other side for a little while as well.

There are plenty of posts on here where the situation is reversed and the woman is complaining that her dh wants sex more often than she does.

All the posters on those threads generally say that she is right to not have sex if she does not want to have it and that dh should just deal with it.

What do you think the reaction would be on one of those threads if a man posted your comment there but changing he for she?:-

I think that's what really gets to me, it's HER problem and if she cared about my feelings or our relationship surely she would do anything she could to fix that problem and mend the gaping chasm between us but no, she just ignores it and what? Hopes I'll go away

People would go ballistic at that sort of comment.

There really are always two sides - at least - to any issue

There are plenty of posts on here where the situation is reversed

I meant to say:-

There are plenty of other threads on here

I can understand being in my partners position to a certain extent regarding promising to make more effort in future and then not making any.
I'm not sure if this analogy works... I'm a very tidy person, but I don't like hoovering, never have, but when I can barely see the carpet I will do it. When I've done it I always appreciate how much nicer it looks and make a mental note to do it more often, but never do, because I don't like hoovering. Now I live with DH he does the hoovering and I clean the kitchen, which he doesn't enjoy. These are not euphemisms by the way!

If they see the effort as greater than the reward they're not going to bother no matter how much they care. You could think that if they loved me they'd do it for my sake, but as mentioned, when this has been offered we see it as a pity-fuck.

I second what Nickym says about DH having no answers. Maybe they don't want to hurt our feelings by saying it seems like more effort than it's worth?

Like I said in an earlier post we're going to try the massage. I'm going to put aside my 'wanting to feel wanted' idea and accept that it is our problem, not his problem. I'm going to make sure we set aside time to do it and be the one to initiate.

I love you all! So it's not just me!

10 years in and we DTD maybe twice a year. I don't initiate because 1. I hate the feeling of rejection and 2.I was in the opposite position with exH. He would have liked sex every day and I just don't 'recharge' that quick.

We rarely talk about it. I hate rows and just can't imagine a good way the conversation could go. we're in our fifties so it could be a combination of ED and generally low libido. Sex has always been good when it happens if a bit formulaic. He is loving but always tired.and gfs just walked in and said he's made me breakfast so must finish lengthy post and go eat it! So gals to know it's not just us.

WhitesandsofLuskentyre I've thought he might be having an affair, especially as he suffers from mood swings, and, whenever he needs to phone a family member he goes to the car to do so!

However, DH has always had a low sex drive from the get-go. Literally, from day 1.

He then pretended to go for three months.

You need me didn't actually go? and the sex therapist said it was just 'a relationship problem'??

Yes to now feeling numb towards him because of the rejection I simply don't try anymore.

Yep, it's hard to flick that switch on again when it's been shut off by rejection. I described it up thread as a defence mechanism. Would you agree?

being "too tired" and that is his stock excuse

Hmmm interesting isn't it? Perhaps we should make our men get more sleep. Like, when the kids have gone to bed, send them to bed! They obviously need it. No evening TV for them.

Why would having a fuck buddy be a deal breaker for him. There seem to be a lot of men who get off on playing "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you" its controlling and abusive.

Amen. Nousernameforme just go and get a fuck buddy on the sly. There are websites dedicated to extramarital hook-ups for people in our situation. I don't think you would be unreasonable to do so. It's not like you haven't bent over backwards trying to sort this out. It might even be good for your soul - and ultimately, good for your marriage. Do report back.

no matter what we are doing or what we are talking about, in the back of my mind there is always a little voice saying, "Why don't you want to have a sex with me?"

Yes. It makes it hard to accept any kind of affection or declarations of love. I don't even know if my DH loves me. I know I'm his best friend, but is that the same as love?

Maybe they don't want to hurt our feelings by saying it seems like more effort than it's worth?

My DH said that in a recent sex therapy session. My feelings weren't hurt. DH isn't into sex. Thankfully, I have enough experience (with previous partners) to know that it isn't personal. Not that it isn't frustrating.

I have suspected an affair in the past & accused him; he reacted angrily, saying I didn't trust him.

DP has depression on & off; which he says affects his sex drive. However things do not improve with our sex life when his mood lifts.

Which leaves the default conclusion that he no longer loves/desires me.

Hello Billiam, I've only managed to read the first bit of the thread .. I'm supposed to be getting the kids ready to go out but have got sucked in, as what you write has been very close to home for me.

DH and I have the same kind of ..tendency that you & your dp do. We've been married 8 years and it has been a problem (for me) pretty much all that time as our sex drives have been so different. I tended to ask/try to initiate/pester him to have sex and then get very down and low in confidence as the vast majority of the time he turned me down.

Then I decided to stop asking as it was too upsetting, and we had a period when we had sex maybe twice in a couple of years.

Then I decided to try a different tack after reading an article about a woman who did a kind of experiment with her husband of having sex every day for a month, regardless of how either of them felt about it. I suggested to dh that we try it, that we had nothing to lose. I said that the lack of sex in our relationship made me feel sad and distant from him and that I was worried about what it meant for us. It felt easier for me than previous conversations (which invariably ended up feeling like I was saying "you don't want me enough") as it wasn't about putting pressure on him to 'want me', as the idea is that you have sex regardless how you feel about having sex, and see what happens. So he had 'permission', if you like, not to want sex.

What happened is that we discovered that even if either of us started off not feeling like sex, we both got turned on & enjoyed it during sex. Also, knowing that we were definitely going to have sex every evening meant I was much more relaxed - it wasn't the 'are we, aren't we' worry any more, and we both became more lighthearted about sex. We could even laugh about the sex feeling like a chore because it wasn't about one person asking the other so there was no option of rejection.

But it only worked I think because when we decided to do it we said we would have sex no matter what, no opting out.

Since the end of our sex month we definitely have sex more often, and we've talked about having a 'sex week' refresher if sex starts to peter out again.

Which leaves the default conclusion that he no longer loves/desires me.

Why do you think he is sticking with you? Just for the kids?

WOW Spink what an idea!!

FWIW, for me it helped to seperate out my feelings of crapness about not having much sex into two broad categories 1)'he doesn't find me attractive' and 2)'I'm not having as much sex as I would like'. ie it was not JUST about learning 'not to take it personally', there was also the realisation that I 'needed' more sex.

When I explained that to dh it also seemed to help.... before he would get frustrated and say "but I do find you attractive" etc etc and afterwards it made it possible for me to say "it is not about you finding me attractive, I just want to have sex please"
Not sure if that makes sense, but there it is...

Wombles: I think he wants to be Mr Nice, the nice guy. Not the guy who leaves his partner & kids. He loves the kids, and seems to need a lot of approval from his mother - who would definitely not approve of him leaving.

It was me who's DP lied about going to counselling. I was suspicious about how often he was able to change his appt time or day if a job came up. After all the waiting lists for NHS sessions are so long, why would his therapist have so many free slots? Then one day he had an appt at 3pm. Unexpectedly I was at home. He pulled up outside at 3.15 having picked up my DD from school, and drove off. I rang him and he said the counsellor had changed his appt to 3.30.so I suggested he picked me up and I could mooch round the shops and we could have a meal afterwards. He said he was nearly there. Bearing in mind the ten mile journey at school rush hour. The next day I asked to see his phone call log to see if he had actually received or made ANY calls at all. He flipped at me, shouting about MY trust issues. Then wiped the call log. So I rang the phone company and set up online billing and there were NO calls to and fro the therapist. He still denied it for about an hour before admitting he had never been.
Sorry for essay :-)

Spink makes complete sense. Indeed, this is a two-pronged problem.

Yet, how did you manage to enjoy what was effectively another form of 'pity sex'? (i.e. having sex out of duty and not lust).

He flipped at me

hah! That's why DH does when he knows he's fucked up/has been deceitful - he turns it back on me. It feels so abusive, or am I being extreme for using the 'a' word?

I feel so much pity for you :( So where had your DH been going? How did you react when you discovered it had all been a lie?

Couple therapy is the way forward.

wombles yeah, it didn't work until our month of sex, which I think made a difference because it ended up increasing dh's sex drive (though it started as duty)

The key for us was breaking the horrible cycle of pressure & rejection & 'duty' which meant we could both take the sex less seriously. And means I don't mind asking for duty sex if I know that we'll also have lust sex another time soonish

Spink where did you get the 'month of sex' idea from?

Wombles

He said he'd sat in the park. More likely he went to pub.
I just typed another long post and it vanished when I previewed it. Will try again but sorry if my original one appears!
Whe we 1st had probs I found out he was sending another woman some filthy texts.
For the fist 5 years I found internet porn history and signs that he had been wanking.
Then nothing until a few months ago. I went to bed after him. He was asleep and Babe Station was on TV. He said he was watching Rambo, fell asleep, and his finger must have twitched on the remote its true that he does that sometimes) and stopped twitching at that channel.
Two weeks ago I looked at his phone and there were links to porn in the web history. He has no idea how they got there.

Wombles

He said he'd sat in the park. More likely he went to pub.
I just typed another long post and it vanished when I previewed it. Will try again but sorry if my original one appears!
Whe we 1st had probs I found out he was sending another woman some filthy texts.
For the fist 5 years I found internet porn history and signs that he had been wanking.
Then nothing until a few months ago. I went to bed after him. He was asleep and Babe Station was on TV. He said he was watching Rambo, fell asleep, and his finger must have twitched on the remote its true that he does that sometimes) and stopped twitching at that channel.
Two weeks ago I looked at his phone and there were links to porn in the web history. He has no idea how they got there.

Im sorry for duplication!

Going to put my phone down, put on some VERY LOUD music and de cluter my wardrobe.

Thanks for reading my posts, will be back later on laptop.

cherrytree63 your DH is a lying asshole. What happened when the truth came out about him not attending counselling?

Nicky - if sex was the only issue in our relationship I don't doubt that I would have more patience but tbh it's starting to just feel like another form of control - 'we do what I want when I want it and I don't want sex so we're not going to even talk about it because it's not important to me so therefore isn't important at all' it's not just about actually sex, it's about me not mattering and that's not right which ever way round the genders are.