To want more sex

[Billiam]

Lately DH and me have not had much sex. His libido is much lower than mine. Last couple of years his interest dropped to nothing. Talked lots and things have got better, but he said he did not want to feel he had to have sex a certain amount. But be said he would like it maybe once a month. Not enough for me, but I don't feel I can say this because it sounds like I am asking for a rota. Don't understand how he can know how often he will want it. I am afraid he just doesn't really want it at all but has decided he has to and has chosen a number he can put up with. Aibu

babydubs There are varying degrees of ED, I do hate this word but there is a wide ''spectrum'' along which your DH could fall and it still be called ED from quite mild to rather extreme.

Perhaps have a read of the nhs site:-

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Erectile-dysfunction/Pages/Diagnosis.aspx

My DH did try and hide it. We went from me regularly giving him bjs to him always lying on his stomach during foreplay so that I couldn't touch him or see that his erection was not as strong as it used to be.

Separately I did talk to my GP about this and she said that often the causes can be psychological and that ''performance issues'' can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Wombles: treatments such as Viagra are used, along with injectables eg Caverjet. I'm not an expert by any manner of means, but there are options.

Dr's & nurses will usually ask about ED at a patient's annual review clinic appointment & sometimes refer the patient on to an Erectile Dysfunction Nurse Specialist for further advice & support.

You've all got me wondering now if DH is worried about his "performance"
I think this was why he wouldn't have a vasectomy (he also hates condoms and didn't like me taking the pill).He agreed eventually but by then I said not to bother .Perhaps our problems started about then .I suppose I need to talk to him about this instead of feeling neglected and being stroppy.He is not good at talking though.

He is not good at talking though

Men never are - or, at least, mine isn't

Yep-he will say that it's up to me and he will do whatever I want and then go and hide in the garden

he will do whatever I want and then go and hide in the garden

I just so know what you mean

My XH suffered from erectile dysfunction, pretended he was concerned about it, yadayadayada, and so the LAST thing I suspected was an affair. I spent hours on forums for people living in sexless marriages and the one thing nobody even suggested (just like here, among all the reasons and justifications given here in the 200+ posts before I joined the thread) was that maybe our partners, whilst seeming upset and sloth-like and remorseful and uninterested, were actually simply cheating.

I do understand that there will be cases of low libido where the other spouse genuinely isn't interested in sex any more but I think some people, sadly, will find that their partner is doing a number on them.

Nh

N

Nickym...thanks for addressing my post. DH doesn't have ED, when we DTD I just get presented with a hard on, making me feel even more like a convenience. The last evening performance was when he was a bit drunk and I jurt went for it, after five years of being too scared to initiate anything.
He went to GP and was referred to counselling. He then pretended to go for three months.
We went for one joint session but he felt he was being picked on.
He got referred to a psychosexual therapist and then said he was told it was a relationship probkem.
I know he shouldn't do it just to keep me hsppy but why should I compromise myself to keep him happy?
And I really do not know how often I would like it. It has been so long since there has been no resentment or stress over it all. So if we were on an even keel I might be happy with weekly/monthly, I just don't know.

Sorry for my upthread ""stutte"" lol!

womblesofwestminsterFri 03-Jan-14 19:29:03

I can't imagine how hard it must be if you previously had a good sex life with your DH. That wipes out asexuality as a possibility.

WHY? Gay men in denial often have sex with women, form relationships and even go on to marry and have children hiding their sexuality.
Why cant the same be true of some asexuals.

After all the end result is the same Its not us they really want....not intimately.

Sorry for my upthread ""stutte"" lol!

"It has been so long since there has been no resentment or stress over it all."

Cherry, that's a good point - I don't know what I want any more either, and the resentment and stress makes me question all contact from DH. This is only a recent development for me, I used to just take whatever attention I was thrown. Recently I have started to not be as available - due to the overriding resentment I feel about it all. It hasn't increased the frequency of his initiations though. I feel like a sex obsessed nutter - questioning and analysing everything. I cant keep going like this...

I am going to show him this thread. It may be more rational than me becoming a blubbering mess... I think maybe the no sex for a while thing might be an idea too... take all pressure off, and the massage thing, and the book...

This thread has been really helpful, if nothing else but to finally vent about it all, thank you

Nickym...thanks for addressing my post. DH doesn't have ED, when we DTD I just get presented with a hard on, making me feel even more like a convenience. The last evening performance was when he was a bit drunk and I jurt went for it, after five years of being too scared to initiate anything.
He went to GP and was referred to counselling. He then pretended to go for three months.
We went for one joint session but he felt he was being picked on.
He got referred to a psychosexual therapist and then said he was told it was a relationship probkem.
I know he shouldn't do it just to keep me hsppy but why should I compromise myself to keep him happy?
And I really do not know how often I would like it. It has been so long since there has been no resentment or stress over it all. So if we were on an even keel I might be happy with weekly/monthly, I just don't know.

Nickym...thanks for addressing my post. DH doesn't have ED, when we DTD I just get presented with a hard on, making me feel even more like a convenience. The last evening performance was when he was a bit drunk and I jurt went for it, after five years of being too scared to initiate anything.
He went to GP and was referred to counselling. He then pretended to go for three months.
We went for one joint session but he felt he was being picked on.
He got referred to a psychosexual therapist and then said he was told it was a relationship probkem.
I know he shouldn't do it just to keep me hsppy but why should I compromise myself to keep him happy?
And I really do not know how often I would like it. It has been so long since there has been no resentment or stress over it all. So if we were on an even keel I might be happy with weekly/monthly, I just don't know.

God! I thought I was the only person. I wonder how many people aren't getting much sex?

Actually a friend who became pregnant for the second time recently said 'be warned, get a baby sitter and have a night away and you might get pregnant again!' I thought that was an odd comment. It all makes sense now. No one is getting any sex.

Not just me.

Actually me and DH have binges. they are becoming less and less frequent. Two or three times a year we might get a very short burst of bth wanting sex at the same time.

It's depressing. I was lying in bed last night feeling really frustrated. I cant even masturbate as i'm too busy.

Thank you Billiam for starting this thread and thanks to those contributing too.
I didn't realise that this was a problem for so many, sadly it is for me too
:(

I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years now and I don't recognise this person I have become (I don't much like her neither)
I've lost my self confidence, my self esteem and I'd also say I've lost a little self respect too.
I've always had a higher sex drive than my Dp but for the first year or so it was fine then things started to slide a little to where maybe 2 out of 3 times if I initiated I'd be rebuffed, if left to him to initiate he'd do it maybe once a month then. We talked, he told and reassured me that it wasn't to do with me, he'd always had a somewhat low libido etc... I accepted this and made an effort to tone down my own urges so that we could maybe meet in the middle some where. It worked for a little while but felt he was then trying to stretch it longer in between.
It became a big problem for me - I felt (and still feel) that he didn't find me attractive.
In common with a lot of previous posters -

Yes to binning lingerie, tried, didn't work so went in the bin in a fit of rage.

Yes to him not noticing me naked - seriously I could possibly shag someone in the same room I don't think he'd notice.

Yes to screaming, shouting, swearing in arguments, muttering under my breath if he makes a joke about sex. Being angry, frustrated and sometimes irrational.

Yes to crying myself to sleep.

Yes to now feeling numb towards him because of the rejection I simply don't try anymore.

It's just so painful, I don't want to end my relationship, he has so many positives, he doesn't like the situation as it is, I know that but he doesn't do anything to try and help it - I hear all the right noises when I snap/break down about it but it's pretty quickly back to normal.
I totally agree with (I think it was) writer I also don't want the 'pity fuck* it's just so degrading isn't it? :(

Sure i'll think of more.

I'm an oldish user who deregged have been lurking for a while saw this thread and i had reregister to post. I could of written many of your post's.
I have been with dp for 14 years this year the first six months were exactly like any other relationship honeymoon period at it all the time. Then we moved away and it was like a tap had been turned off and ever since then we go in cycles of him wanting it or being "too tired" and that is his stock excuse the go to he uses every time he goes through these off periods. They can last anything from 3 months up to i think our longest was 15 months.
We have had two encounters since the middle of September both initiated by me once when he was mostly asleep and once i just started giving him a blow job both times he came too quickly for me to get anything from it needless to say he felt no need to reciprocate but didn't try to stop me at either time.
Over the years we have had every discussion and argument going (me having a fuck buddy would be a deal breaker for him) i have even given ultimatums over it but nothing changes for long. He won't speak to anyone or look into getting any help. Having been reading this thread over the last few days I was going to confront him again about it last night. I was laid there and I thought why bother I know exactly what he is going to say nothing will change he has no need to change, it suits him fine.
I am currently pregnant i am due at the end of the month I have decided to myself now and I won't tell him so it isn't an ultimatum as such but as i know he will never change now if i cannot resign myself to this life within the next two years and stop being resentful then I will end the relationship.
I suppose I have given up but quite frankly i am tired of feeling like this

Why would having a fuck buddy be a deal breaker for him. There seem to be a lot of men who get off on playing "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you" its controlling and abusive.

An affair is an affair is an affair to him
I just feel if I can't resolve my feelings about this then I have no option but to leave The amount of resentment isnt healthy and i could live another 50 years I don't want lived a sexless life to be one of my regrets. This is our only real relationship issue though so would it be wrong to destroy an otherwise good thing for sex

And thats why i dont believe in monogamy any more Too much "ownership" involved.

Just catching up with all the threads - I honestly can't believe how many of us are in the same boat and how we are all experiencing the exact same emotions. On a few occasions in the past I asked my DH if he was having an affair - I didn't actually believe he was but I just wanted to hurt him and to make him know that's how bad things have got. It's just so emotionally draining always having to think about the elephant in the room, it never goes away. I feel like I analyse everything and that no matter what we are doing or what we are talking about, in the back of my mind there is always a little voice saying, "Why don't you want to have a sex with me?" So many times I have pleaded with my husband to tell me what his problem is, absolutely begged him, told him I don't care if his reason hurts or offends me but that he just needs to tell me because we can't carry on like this, but it makes no different. I get the same excuses, the same promises that things will change and yet they never do. I just don't bother initiating sex anymore because what's the point? I get the same response as always, we have the same argument as always and it's all just so pointless.

It's not just how many of us are in the same boat that amazes me, it's how they all seem to be working from the same bloody textbook! They refuse to talk about it, we cry, they say things will change/improve, nothing changes, they crush our self esteem, they ignore it, we cry some more, they are in control, dishing out affection but nothing more unless its when THEY decide, they refuse to do anything about it even though its them with a problem.

I think that's what really gets to me, it's HIS problem and if he cared about my feelings or our relationship surely he would do anything he could to fix that problem and mend the gaping chasm between us but no, he just ignores it and what? Hopes I'll go away? Because the way things are going... I've been telling myself for most of the four years we have been together that I can't live like this much longer and yet here I am, still miserable wish I'd left years ago.

There does seem to be a pattern. Do your DH work long, odd hours travel a lot?

what are they like with their phones?