No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

• lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

So today I took all of the advice suggesting I approach the bride by phone rather than leave it hanging unresolved.

Bride was totally oblivious about the stress it had caused me and hadn't invited DP as she thought it was a casual relationship because we don't yet live together - even though she will not be living with her DP until they are married.

Bride and her DP accepted our invitation to celebrate their engagement.

I can only hope that the invite now includes him.

Happy to report that my anxiety levels are now much reduced.

Good luck op. I think talking to bride to be was the right thing to do.
Hope all gets sorted out.

I just want to point out that Nonamenonamenoname isn't me. I suspect there may have been some confusion.

I can boy hope that the invitation now includes him

You might be setting yourself up there for disappointment.
Why are you all meeting? Because you genuinely want to celebrate with them, or because you're angling to have your boyfriend with you at the end?

It just doesn't sound like you're the close friends you think you are. Sounds like a lot of the time you've known each other it was as employer, not friend, even if it was nice to think of her as part of the family.

This would be my test of friendship: if after this meal together she still, for cost reasons, didn't want to extend the invitation to your boyfriend that she'd met once, would you still care enough about her to want to be at her wedding? If not, I wouldn't bother with the engagement meal.

I agree with Cabrihna.

I can only hope that the invite now includes him.

The invite already included him, as an evening guest though.

It's very unlikely she'll change her mind just after meeting him once, they're on a very tight list after all and there's bound to be people they are friends or know who will take priority over him. You'd be better setting yourself up for not actually having him there and seeing if they do manage to get him in.

What happens if he's still not invited? Because it sounds like you are only doing this meal for his sake, to get him invited to the day rather then catch up with the bride and introduce DP. It will probably make for a very uncomfortable meal if you have those expectations and they will have to express the issues again.

On the complete otherhand, what if they don't like him? Or he doesn't like them? Have you spoken to your DP about it at all? He may not even want to go because he doesn't know them and may not know many/any others.

.I bet the bride's anxiety levels aren't reduced though, if she having to rethink her budget/seating plans or risk having her (generous imo) offer of having your dcs as bridesmaids rejected!
It just seems to be all about you OP, I'm not sure how much you realise this. Of course a non-living-together-but-planning-a-wedding relationship will be viewed as serious, whereas a dating one may not be! This of course says nothing of the success of the relationship and you and your dp may still be together long after their marriage ends (possibly - not wishing for it!)
I think you view everything through the light of your personal tragedy which is perfectly understandable for you, but not for the bride-to-be.

Ok so bride sees your dp as your not very serious boyfriend, rather than your life partner. That does explain it.

Please don't assume anything unless it's crystal clear.

Well done OP. You did the right thing. It is v brave and constructive of you to pick up the phone when you are emotionally v stressed - especially when you are unsure if your stance is rational as you must have wondered - otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

I am glad you feel relieved. Ignore the sniping here - dont get drawn in. You have done everything you can at this point - do not engage in it any further. Spend your finite energy constructively - enjoy your children and dp.

I am glad you are all meeting up. But I think that if the bride did not confirm on the phone that she would change the invite - you should just be prepared and ACCEPT her decision - what ever it is....and go with the flow.

You should prepare yourself in case it doesn't include him. FWIW, YWBU not her, you keep making these little digs about how she was single in June, but now getting married, now the fact that they won't be living together until after they are married. You have made yourself look petty and childish.

I didn't invite my cousins BF to my wedding. She was 17, he was the latest one although I think they had been together about a year, I had never met him, she had cheated on him, they weren't living together. The fuss that created (because she lied to everyone saying I had invited him the disinvited which was not true) still carries on 11 years later. We don't speak, it took years before her mother spoke to me again (once she realised that cousin had lied). No one in the family thinks much of her. It was also a case that if I gave her a plus one, I would have had to for my other cousins too and we just didn't have the capacity for a load of plus ones. Weddings don't always. You either want to celebrate her (note her day not yours) or not. You can manage to sit somewhere for a few hours without your partner.

My friend went to a wedding recently where her DH was the best man so sat at the top table, she knew nobody else. She didn't throw a tantrum though about being with strangers, she got talking and got to know some other people.

Simple solution. Quickly marry your DP. He'll get invited then.

I am with Kitty on the fact you may just have to go with the flow now.
Hopefully she will invite dp, but she may not and you need to be prepared for that.

I am going to a wedding on my own [though will know many people there] and dh looking after children and not going. Bit of a kerfuffle about this wedding but I think generally people don't want to make the sort of fuss that will cause feuds for years to come.
[That is not to say that everyone is happy!].
Enjoy your engagement celebration meet up and try to 'go with the flow' from now on. Good luck!

Did you make it clear when you spoke to her that the problem was that you couldn't reasonably ask your DP to have (and pay for) two nights away just so that he can go to the evening do, and that if he can't come to the whole thing hell either be sitting around all day or you will have to do all the travelling separately?

I think this bride needs the logistics spelled out to her clearly, because she doesn't seem to consider these things on her own.

If you are as close as you say, how does she not know you are serious? I don't buy it that is all it is because you don't live together as neither does she with her fiancé and you have been together longer.

Your DP may still not be invited to the whole day. What are you going to do if he isn't, as pulling your DC out after the invitations have gone out (and therefore after the dresses have been bought) would be a very mean thing to do.

When invites out I will update. Probably about 4 or so weeks

All the best Op.

Hopefully you will know before 4 weeks up.
The minefield of weddings eh!

On what grounds are you making your more hopeful he will be invited comment? What has changed? Is it because she now knows he is your long term partner?

OP, you CANNOT wait until the invites are out if your intention is to withdraw your children from the ceremony if your DP isn't invited to the breakfast. Please, either:

1. go with the flow and accept with good grace and generosity the bride's wishes and actual invitation on offer, rather than the one that you'd prefer.

or

2. Give the bride plenty of notice that you can't attend, nor can your children.

Could I nudge you in the direction of no. 1?

Totally agree with cignol.. Above.

You are being exceptionally rude and thinking about your own wishes rather than hers. You are essentially wanting her to kick someone else out of the wedding breakfast, possibly an actual friend or family, in favour of someone she has never even met,?!? Ludicrous.

Haven't read all of the thread but to me it sounds as though you are being extremely childish.

She has explained to you why she can't invite your partner to her wedding and considering you neither live together and he has not met her you must understand her reasoning.

The wedding is about her, not you and it is your problem to sort out the logistics for your family and not hers.

Weddings bring out the worst in people- those who invite and those who are invited.
I think the bride and groom should think about logistics for guests though not be beholden to them. 'My day' should not result in thoughtlessness.
I think it is hard sometimes to accept where you are in bride and groom's pecking order [happened to me recently though I am sucking it up].
For op I think she has explained her position to bride but does need to know if partner is invited asap if him not going means she and her children will pull out.

Is your partner op happy to just go to evening do? Is he aware of situation now? [sorry if this has been explained up thread].