No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

• lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

I think that the OP is projecting her very raw feelings into the poor bride who, regardless of how well acquainted she is with your circumstances, is not actually able to read your mind. it is the norm for guest lists to be drawn up in favour of obligation invites and those who are very close. The bride acknowledged this in her invite and was clear it was a decision made for all guests. when you are in a better place you may look back on your reaction to this in shame so I would not be too loud in voicing your feelings of persecution. sorry for your loss but you are being a tad irrational.

In my experience weddings are about families and the joining of two families in a legally binding way. They are not and should not be just about the bride and groom and just about a party. Of course we will contribute, probably handsomely, towards our children's weddings. We will not dictate who comes but we would hope there will consultation and agreement about a nice way to do things. If either of our children kicked off or got demanding about work mates over and above their relatives who have known them since they were born I would be very disappointed and would feel that I had failed to bring them up nicely and properly. Actually I would be rather ashamed of them if that were to happen.

I think a couple of factors involved here - the awful circumstances around the DH's death, and the complex nanny/family not-quite-family-not-quite-employee relationship - make it hard to apply the usual Wedding Rules about invites. But from everything you've said, OP, it honestly seems as if the bride has done her very best to accommodate your feelings in as far as she possibly can, and any perceived slights are just that, perceived.

I appreciate you must be feeling raw, but as you really are projecting a lot into what's probably just a tough practical decision. Even your 'diplomatic' email sounds a bit summons-y, to be honest. And putting the children in a position where they feel they have to choose really isn't fair on them; whether they go or not, their main focus is now going to be you, not their godmother on her wedding day, when she was trying to include them in a very special way. I'd even wonder whether her reasoning for the evening invite for your DP was that your friendship was forged at a time when your DH was part of the family, and that to be seen to be inviting your new DP in his place might seem insensitive?

I don't think anyone said family shouldn't be nvited.

I read some wedding planning forums before I got married and threads repeatedly cropped up from upset brides to be who were contemplating eloping because their parents or in-laws were dictating the guest list with no regards to who the B&G wanted to invite.

It's all very well wanting family to come, but work mates or friends are also important, to the people getting married. What's not acceptable are parents insisting they invite their friends from the bingo who the B&G have never met over their friends.

Generally the advice was to elope or refuse all money and save up and invite who you wanted. Which I totally agree with. I think some parents can't see beyond the excuse for a big party and chance to show off, rather than their children's wedding.

Work mates are important but you know what Pobble at 53 and having been married for nearly 25 years - one of our old workmates who was at our wedding is a godparent and he came to the wedding because he was a very close friend. My boss at the time is still a close friend and DH has one other workmate we exchange Christmas cards with. At the time we could have invited about 20 work mates. They haven't endured. Our families and closest friends oth have. The neighbours that MIL and FIL invited now look at for MIL now that she is frail and I'm so glad they came and share that memory and a little more closeness with us.

We paid for our own wedding by the way and tried to be sensible. My mum paid for the flowers and the cake and my dad for the champagne I must add. I am glad we were sensible and I don't think we offended anyone. Boyfriends and girlfriends came, a friend with a new partner and her partner came.

Life moves on and it's important to mindful of what is likely to endure. We were slightly limited and did have to make some difficult choices but a life time on I'm glad we put family first.

DD probably won't have to make any compromises - she's likely to be able to have, within reason, exactly what she wants and we are lucky because at 15 she's an unwanty sort of girl - hopefully it will stay that way.

I still think the OP isn't being unreasonable and has taken a heck of a bashing on here.

I find it odd. We wrote a list of who we would invite then found a venue to accommodate. I think anyone in a serious relationship should be invited as a couple.

I had ex work mates come to my wedding who I've known for years and are friends.

I remember my mil telling me her wedding was full of people she didn't know, and I find that sad.

Hence we why didn't have any pressure from them or my parents.

Our whole families were invited, mind.

Can you stamp your feet as well pobble

Define serious relationship though Lanbro. Is it length of relationship (if so what - six months, a year), living together, being engaged? A line has to be drawn somewhere. Where this line is will differ for people.

I got annoyed that I was expected to pick family over friends, just because they were family. I had to turn away friends and colleagues in order to make way for aunties and uncles that I probably saw once every 2-3 years. In hindsight I wish I had stood my ground and only invited the people I really wanted there as opposed to trying to keep other people happy.

I am thinking it might be best as a parent to pay nothing and say nothing. Or offer an amount you can afford and then say nothing. But, just not get involved.

People seem to regard weddings (other people's weddings) as a ratification of their own relationships. Why should a partner get an invitation. Especially a relatively recent (2 years) partner? I understand it's rude not to invite the husband of a good friend if you know the guy. But in this case, the new man is a total - yes total - stranger to the bride.

This isn't about picking family over friends though is it? If we applied that criteria then the OP wouldn't be invited, never mind her partner, nor would the dcs be bridesmaids!

I do agree there Writer - the whole wedding tradition of bride's side of family/ groom's side eg for pictures/ in church seems to leave out a very important group of mutual friends and colleagues - which especially these days with slighter more mature/established couples and more disparate families can be a very important group of guests.

Dear OP - sometimes it is just the choice of venue where numbers are limited - so that there is a definite max number of people seated so no flexibility to extend? Or she may have decided to have an intimate blessing and meal?

If she is marrying later in life and her or fiance have a big family it might well have come down to your dp or a family member or close friend.

Please don't look at this with bitterness, take it personally or assume a decision was taken with any malice intended. This is a really tough and emotionally sensitive time of the year for anyone dealing with grief.

What is your ideal outcome? Would you still like your dp to go to the blessing and meal and then make a weekend of it as a family by staying over night?

If so drop her an upbeat card to say you are all really excited about the wedding but that you really need your dp for support emotionally and logistically on the day - so if by chance an aged aunt declines he would be waiting in the wings! I am sure that you will be accommodated.

I had a few people ask me if x,y & z could come with them to my wedding. I wasn't fazed - just said "no sorry - small venue - no cousins - just aunts and uncles"

If you just want to throw your toys out of the pram and assume "crass and insensitive" behavior - just go ahead.....but I think that it would be a hugely ignorant, insulting and an over blown reaction to withdraw the bridemaids/pageboys at this point in time from someones wedding - especially as they are so special to each other.

I also don't think it was inappropriate to have embroiled your children in this - they have no concept of social politics etc.

Sleep on it for a week......

Some responses are missing the point. I may be her ex employer, and my DCs are very close to her but I am also. The bride and I went on a girls holiday - just the two of us - for a week at the end of June. We had a great time. I wouldn't plan a holiday with someone I wasn't close to. She was single then, she has met her DP since.

I would have said that the bride and I have a great relationship. The bride doesn't know my DP because he works during the day and she tends to come to visit while on uni holidays, again during the day. If she stays over, he doesn't (no room). The bride has been at Uni for the last 3 years. There is nothing strange about it really. She lives 90mins away.

But do you think it is fair to expect her to not invite a guest that she knows and wants there just so your partner can go?

OK, you are close to her, and she has invited you, but she doesn't know your boyfriend and he isn't living with you. She was nice enough to invite him to the reception anyway, and she probably has no idea that you don't feel able to sit through the meal without him.

I do feel for you OP, and can see how upset you are, however I really do think you are being unreasonable, and even (dare I say it) a little unkind to the bride who did write the email in explanation.

I also wonder if the sadness surrounding your DH's death could be making things extra emotional on both sides?

I think the part that I find the most unreasonable however is telling your children, who naturally support you and your feelings on this. That could potentially not just spoil the bride's day but the whole relationship they have with the bride, who they will now see as being unreasonable to their mum. That's such a shame.

I wish you luck, whatever you decide.

I don't know what to do so I will wait for the invitation and see how I feel

Well I don't think that's very fair at all. If it is your intention to pull your children out of the ceremony if you don't get your way then it would be quite nasty to drop that on her a few months before the Wedding seeing as she will have paid for their outfits and assumed they will be in a specific role in the wedding party. I don't think telling her that your children will no longer be involved and then leaving her in the lurch at such short notice would be a very friendly thing to do.....

I agree. You cant wait until the invitations are out to pull your children from the wedding party! And it certainly will end your friendship if you do.

You are coming across a little bit snippy by pointing out how recently she met her DP. And the idea of waiting til she sends out the invites before saying not only will you not be going, your children won't be either (and therefore the money she will have spent on their outfits wasted) is actually quite nasty and petty. There seems a sense of entitlement here, possibly borne out of the previous employer/employee relationship. I get that you feel upset by the very idea of going to these things on your own but really has there been no similar occasion in the last 4 years (before you met your boyfriend) that you had to attend alone? What would you do if you were still single now? (plenty of people are single for 4 years or more).

The sensible, decent options are either you explain NOW politely that it would be too painful for you to attend the day BUT you arrange for another adult to accompany your DC in your place. Or you go, put on a brave face and get through a few short hours where you will mostly be eating, listening to speeches etc, and then your boyfriend attends in the evening.

Unless of course you don't want to have anything to do with her in future, in which case yes, wait for the invitation before you say anything...

Your boyfriend has never hosted your friend. Why should she host him?

She has a relationship with you and your children. I think she is graceful in extending an evening invite to him.