No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

• lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

YANBU, speak to her.

I almost did the same to one of my best friends and I am so glad she had the courage to speak to me. I should have invited her partner, no question about it.

OP, please make your decision now. Whatever the rights and wrongs of this situation it truly would be unkind to withdraw your children from the ceremony only after the invitations were sent out. As I am sure you are aware planning a wedding is very stressful, and having to make such a major change (finding others to take your children's place or maybe doing without whatever their 'job' was to be) would be incredibly difficult. As others have said the money issue alone would be a factor too.

So I really would urge you to decide as soon as possible, so you can let her know and give her enough time to re-arrange things. To do otherwise would be quite unkind.

If she is such a good friend then you need to take the decision she has had to make with good grace. People have to make difficult decisions when it comes to wedding guest lists. My attitude is always that it's a privilege to be invited to any part of such a special day for a friend and I'd make every effort to attend. I really can't understand why you can't see that you need to put your good friends needs first on her wedding day. It's not all about you.

I think that this couple think that after such a small space of time or getting married after approximately 6 months together and deem their relationship as serious, yet the op have been with her partner for 2 years and are seen as not important.

I wouldn't dream of not inviting a long term partner to my wedding.

I think you should discuss this with your DP as a first step as I think you are currently making a lot of assumptions on how he would feel/what he would do etc. He may suggest other options re. logistics you haven't thought of or may be able to give you the courage to do this without him to support the children.

After discussing with dp and reassessing how you feel, work out what you are prepared to do/whether you can cope with doing this alone if the bride says after speaking to her that there is no way she can fit him in, in the day.

Also talk to your dc again and explain that you are going to speak to the bride about accommodating dp, but if she really doesn't have the space for him (and assuming you have concluded that you definitely can't go through with this alone) that the bride would be upset if they pulled out/ has already spent money on outfits and ask if they would be able to do this for her but without you there.

Armed with a set of options, next you need to speak to the bride verbally (not via email) and ASAP especially as it sounds like your dc may not be prepared to go if you pull out and dress fittings have started already which means the bride is already in the process of paying for bespoke outfits for your dc. Please don't wait for invites!

When you speak to her explain the position you are in emotionally and how you can't (if you can't) yet cope with situations of speaking to strangers by yourself and that whilst you understand the issue of numbers and that she is trying to be fair to others too where she can't invite their partners too, you really need her to make an exception for you for these reasons in order for you (and dc?) to be able to attend.

Good luck OP, I hope you manage to come to a conclusion that everyone is comfortable with

I would say Yanbu but at the same time I kind of understand that numbers and finances are usually quite tight.

I'm of the opinion that weddings should be family occasions. I'm a bit when bride ad groom assumes you need a 'night off' from your child etc. A recent wedding I went to had all the little ones in their pj's and onsies having a dance well past 10pm.

I have also been the uninvited plus one. I was quite miffed as I'd met the groom numerous times given that Dp and I had been together over 3 years, Dp attended without me. But another uninvited plus one made such a huge fuss that she ended up being invited in the end, they split some months later. I accepted the non invite but needless to say it was very awkward when we bumped into each other at various other weddings since and bride felt she had to apologise profusely for not including me.

so many people seem to think this is normal.

clearly all the weddings I attend are in a parallel universe as not inviting partners, or plus ones to single guests, is considered very bad manners.

I was invited to a wedding once without my partner but I declined.

I recently attended a wedding without my partner. he was invited but chose not to go. and that is the key - he had the choice.

I remain resolute in my dislike of children at weddings. I cannot see anything cute in young children cluttering up the dance floor.

tbf if any of the weddings I have been invited to were like mn weddings I wouldn't have been to many. in rl there has never been an issue - get invitation and either accept or decline. if going to the wedding go prepared to have a good time and take wedding present (cash whether asked for or not).

we have two weddings coming up in 2014 and looking forward to them both.

I agree with ceres I must live in a parallel universe too!

And I think it is ludicrous to say 'your dp never hosted the bride, why should she host him', that must be one of the most mean spirited approaches to a celebration that I have ever heard. I am very glad that I will never be invited to some MM weddings

Weddings are a bit of a pain in the arse these days, aren't they? Precious bridezilla's for whom the posh venue is the be-all and end-all are sucking the life and joy out of them.

I would not consider attending a wedding where my partner was not invited and especially if I had considered either of the wedding party a friend, as opposed to a group work aquaintance thing.

"clearly all the weddings I attend are in a parallel universe as not inviting partners, or plus ones to single guests, is considered very bad manners."

So in a situation where there are financial/space constraints, would you consider it preferable to ditch friends and family members in order to accommodate random strangers whom guests opted to bring as a plus one?

Luckily, no one I know is the kind to be offended if a couple would prefer to have people they actually know at their wedding rather than people they don't. Takes all sorts I guess, but I think for most people, ditching family members in favour of plus ones is more likely to be seen as bad manners than the reverse.

Sorry, bold fail there!

I agree flowery - I think the people who are so appalled at the concept of only wanting people at the wedding that the B&G actually know, are the same people with enough money to not have to worry about paying to feed strangers.

Anyone who thinks that close family and friends should be turned away in order to make way for another guests unknown 'plus one' is insane in my eyes. How is that fair or right?

It's bad manners not to have plus ones now? Can people not go to weddings by themselves?

To be honest I would be a bit reluctant if I didn't know anyone else as I'm not that confident in making small talk. But we had single people at our wedding, they were there with other friends, why on earth would I have given them plus ones as well? How ridiculous.

The thing is, if someone started this thread...

"I'm on a very tight budget for my wedding, can only afford to hire the village hall and my mum's making sandwiches for the reception. The hall can only accommodate x number because of health and safety, which is just enough for close family and old friends. All fine, however I have several people who will be coming on their own, and it has been suggested to me that I need to invite a "plus one" for each of them as not doing so is bad manners.

It would involve 8 plus ones, and would mean hiring a much more expensive venue, paying for more food and drink, and we'd have to go into debt to do it. Should I?"

...they'd be told under no circumstances to change their plans.

Absolutely right Flowery.

I also think if the bride had written this from her point of view, saying how she was restricted in numbers but had invited one friend's boyfriend who she'd never met and friend doesnt live with, to the evening do as a compromise and now this friend was threatening to pull her children out of the wedding party because she wants an all day invite for him. Well it would just look like this friend was having a childish selfish strop wouldn't it?. Yes, that's you OP.

Anyone who thinks that close family and friends should be turned away in order to make way for another guests unknown 'plus one' is insane in my eyes. How is that fair or right?

No one thinks that.

The idea is that you make a list of all the people you want to invite, think about whether any of those people will be happier on the day if they have a plus one, add the plus ones to your previous list, then find a venue that can accommodate everyone on your list.

If that means a less swanky venue or less swanky food then so be it.

Otherwise, you are basically saying that a pretty venue and a posh meal are more important that the comfort and happiness of the guests you are hosting.

Guests do deserve to be considered here, they add significantly more to any wedding than material stuff ever will. And it usually costs a fair amount of money to be a wedding guest, especially when there's travel involved. It's just plain rude to invite people to celebrate with you without considering their transport and accommodation needs, and sometimes it will be significantly easier and more pleasant for them if they aren't alone.

I genuinely don't understand people who want to celebrate their marriage with people who they don't feel are important enough to have their comfort and happiness considered.

"Otherwise, you are basically saying that a pretty venue and a posh meal are more important that the comfort and happiness of the guests you are hosting."

That's making a huge assumption that financial or space constraints are automatically because the couple want a posh do. If they're already having a very bare-bones arrangement then not having lots of guests might be the only way they can afford it in the first place.

The onLy reason I would invite a 'plus one' that I didn't know was if the guest I did know didn't know anyone else at the wedding - I.e without their partner they would have nobody else to talk to or sit with at dinner etc. I agree that it isn't fair to ask a guest to spend the whole day on their own. I can't work out if this is the case with op though? I may have missed it though if she has said she doesn't know anyone else who is going. Even if the op doesn't know anyone else maybe the Bride is thinking that as the children will be there as well the op does have company? I think the op should sit down with her friend and be honest about her anxieties, as hard as it may be, and maybe together they can fond a solution that suits them both.

Oh, and suggesting that couples who don't feel able to invite random plus ones aren't considering their guests' "comfort and happiness" is nonsense and again making huge assumptions.

Unless the couple are fortunate enough to be able to literally have unlimited guests, when compiling a guest list there always has to be a line drawn somewhere. Adding in complete strangers alters where that line is drawn.

I agree that lines have to be drawn somewhere when doing up an invite list but surely more sensible lines can be drawn than inviting one half of lots of couples instead of the same amount of actual couples.

When we were getting married we had a rough idea how many people we would like to invite (friends and immediate family on both sides) and then we looked for a venue that could accommodate this amount within the budget that we had set. As it happened the venue capacity was close to the upper end of our list so we made a decision that aunts and uncles on my side (dh does not have any) would be invited as immediate family but not any cousins and partners as I have a lot of cousins. This allowed us to invite the friends we wanted to invite and as it was a universally applied exclusion it was fair. I would FAR rather be told that my cousin X was getting married and my parents were invited but myself and dh were not than for me to be invited alone to it - that makes no sense to me at all.

Different strokes for different people I suppose!

But some posters are advocating inviting plus ones, ie allowing even single guests to choose a random person to bring rather than disrupting their "comfort and happiness" by assuming they are grown up enough to attend on their own.

We did invite a couple of plus ones to our wedding, as I mentioned earlier. There was room at the venue, so although we were tight for money and the extra food/drink cost was a pain, we were happy to do it, and the plus ones were girlfriends of friends, although we'd not met them. Also, it didn't mean redrawing our "line" as moving the family line would have meant another 10 people, and moving the friend line would have been similar.

So for us, accommodating plus ones in our individual circumstances was doable. But assuming it is always doable for every couple and that any couple who don't allow unlimited random strangers at their wedding are rude and only doing it for a posh do is lazy.

I agree with ceres and redmayne too. >>waves

I see what you are saying but I guess for us it came down to automatically counting each invite as 2 people so it was easy to count up and I would prefer not to invite the couple at all than to invite one half!

Perhaps we did not have many single friends at ours, or certainly did not invite people we were not in close enough contact with to have met their partners of 2 years (like the OP) - we drew the line there and invited close friends, not school or college acquaintances.

There were a few there that we had not met I will admit i.e. a very close friend of dh's who lives in the states and they have regular phone calls and emails travelled all the way with his girlfriend of 2 years at that stage. They were not living together at the time. I cannot imagine thinking to myself 'ok X can come because dh knows him, but his girlfriend Y cannot as she has never hosted us so why should we host her' - what a ridiculous thought process!

We did have to make some decisions about exactly who could come and if we'd had more money etc we may have had more casual friend there (we both know a lot of people) but we didn't and that was fine. For us.

I think cooljazz has hit it on the head. One has to cut one's cloth. If money/space is an issue then the bride and groom shouldn't try to emulate the fairy tale wedding with the couture frock and the doves and the champagne at the former stately home.

I think if people are on a tight budget nobody really minds not being invited if the wedding party is in the village hall with a bring and share reception. I think they start minding when the b&g spend upwards of £10k on froth rather than on being good hosts to their friends and family.

Still think the issue of a wedding has been deleted by the wedding industry. A wedding is about a marriage; a marriage shouldn't be about a lavish party.