No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

• lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

Well I (and everyone else, I suppose, unless it's a sham marriage) only intend on doing it once. It's unlikely most of us would be in a position to do the same again, ever, even for a significant birthday. Therefore I'd like to hold it in somewhere nice that meant something to Dear Potential Fiance and I, and I'd also like a band and for everyone to get a nice sit down dinner with a few glasses of wine. I would not like to trade those things for inviting, say, my work colleagues' partners who I've never met when they can sit happily together, mulling over my choice of entree.

It's different if you're inviting someone who won't know anyone, or if they have additional needs where a plus one might be necessary for them to get the most out of the day. But on the whole, giving everyone the chance to bring someone along is a luxury most of us can't afford.

That's the point though isn't it redmayne. It worked for you in your individual circumstances, and for us too. But that doesn't mean it's possible for every bride and groom and that they are all being rude if they can't accommodate everyone.

Couples getting married are often under huge pressure, from parents, from other family, budgetary pressure, location/ease of travelling pressure, guests who come a long way, guests with children, guests with whatever other requirements. Sometimes couples may be disregarding everyone else and being selfish. But actually sometimes they might not be, and the OP has given no information indicating that her friend is one of those who doesn't consider anyone else when planning her wedding, so I think it's a bit off to make that assumption. We don't know how many single friends she has, we don't know who's paying for the wedding and whether they are putting pressure on the bride about the venue, food and guest lists etc etc.

The only thing we know really is that the OP considers her a good friend and trusted her with her DC, ie she generally falls into the category of being a decent person. Isn't it more likely she is therefore also in the category of people who have constraints and are doing their best to keep everyone happy, rather than in the category of people who don't give a monkeys about anyone else?

Redmayneslips, we did pretty much the same with inviting aunts and uncles but not all the cousins because there are so many of them. But we also allowed even single guests to choose a random person to bring.

If we hadn't done that then two of my loveliest single girlfriends would have had to travel quite a long way alone and stay in their accommodation alone, and it seemed obvious that they would enjoy our wedding more if they had someone to share it with. It meant that one friend brought a bloke she had dated three times and broke up with a few months later, and one friend brought another close girlfriend of hers. Both plus ones are lovely people, and it was a pleasure to host them because it helped people I care about have a wonderful time.

The budget weddings I have been to have always been the ones that are more likely to be able to fit an extra few people in because the receptions have been in function rooms or pubs or halls which have a very large capacity.

I think even with the best will in the world, weddings can be long days to get through, often with long delays as the bride and groom have photos taken etc. I would have no interest in hanging around on my own for all of this and then sitting alone at a table of couples during the dancing just because my partner was not invited for whatever reason. Better to just not invite either member of that couple IMO and make it a small wedding?

I will never get my heard around it being ok to deliberately leave a known-of partner out of an invite. I think it is slightly different to invite a known single person without a plus one if you HAVE to, (though we did not do this) but to knowingly only invite one half of a couple of 2 years (or however long!) is crazy to me.

I had one very close friend who was single when we get married, I invited her plus one but we were chatting about the wedding and she said that she would prefer to come alone as she would spend time catching up with old friends instead of minding a date for the night and we were fine with that, but it was HER choice.

And we had one very old friend of mine whose partner did not come and to be hobnest I thought it was rude of him not to, but he has gone on to confirm this opinion of him many times over in the intervening years, he is utterly selfish and would not put himself out for anyone, including her half the time.

I agree with those saying look at this from the brides pov. Let's assume she is not on an unlimited budget and numbers are restricted, perhaps due to what the church/hotel will accommodate. Why should she not invite a family member or friend so that she can invite your partner who she has never met! I didn't invite some friends partners to my wedding due to tight numbers in the church I wanted to get married in, my family's village church I should say, not some posh pretty venue. I'm going to a wedding next month without my husband or dd, he has never met the bride, they're on a budget, why should he come, I think I'll cope for a day without them, and I'll be about 36 weeks pregnant! YABU

It's rather unfair to suggest that plus ones aren't invited because the couple are having a flash expensive wedding. Everyone has a budget, even village halls have a limited capacity.

I've had all sorts of wedding invites - with my dp, without him, to the evening event, to the full day. The type of invite hasn't had any connection I can see to the relationship I have with the people getting married, or how enjoyable the wedding was.

It can be a bit like with children - if no dcs are allowed, and someone sees some (not immediate family) ones there, they can be peeved at that. If you say one person has to be invited as a couple, then surely that means they all have to be.
Some people actually want an intimate wedding you know, where they can chat to everyone there and feed them a good meal.

"I agree flowery - I think the people who are so appalled at the concept of only wanting people at the wedding that the B&G actually know, are the same people with enough money to not have to worry about paying to feed strangers."

if that is aimed at me you couldn't be more wrong. our wedding budget was extremely limited and we economised on so many things - my dress was v v cheap (and tbh not what I would have chosen in other circumstances), no bridesmaids, friend did flowers, no wedding cars, v cheap photographer (big mistake btw), made the cake myself, no favours etc etc.

venue was lovely, great food and plenty of nice wine..........and all partners or plus ones invited. and, shock horror, the odd friend of both sets of parents too.

How the b&g want to spend their money for their day is up to them. The suggestion that you should lower the standard of your dream day to accommodate plus ones is in my mind ridiculous.

I wanted an intimate but glamorous wedding at a 5* hotel.

To achieve this meant that I chose to exclude my 60+ first cousins and their partners.....rather than have the traditional 300+ buffet at the church hall which is standard for my community.

All hell broke loose in the family when the invites went out to the aunts and uncles only - and has caused a major family rift for last 10 years.

I had the best day of my life - do not regret it one bit....people being bitter about how other people choose to spend their money just demonstrates ignorance imo.

"How the b&g want to spend their money for their day is up to them. The suggestion that you should lower the standard of your dream day to accommodate plus ones is in my mind ridiculous."

please point out where I have suggested that others should 'lower the standard' of their day??

I was responding to a comment made by another poster that those who choose to invite partners or plus ones are made of money.

I am neither bitter nor ignorant.

ceres - my comment wasn't specifically aimed at you, apologies if that is how it seemed. I was just making a general sweeping statement of my thoughts. However, fair play to you because there is no way I would have been prepared to go without bridesmaids and make other sacrifices just so I could afford to invite people's partners/parents that I didn't know. It may sound selfish, but I wanted my Dream Day. I don't see why the B&G should be expected to sacrifice their wants in order to invite/feed people they don't know. We invited an extra 50 people to the evening do on top of the people who'd been there for the whole day event - I don't know if any of them felt Like a B-List guest but I hope not. I would like to think that most people know that weddings are restricted by finances and space and that difficult decisions have to be made.

How can potentially offending people be any part of a dream day? That's the bit I don't understand. Wouldn'your day have been better if that hadn't been a worry? I remember thinking 500.00 cake or 100 cake. The expensive cake was glorious, the extra 400 left over from the cheap one meant more drinks for guests. I preferred to look after my guests.

Also, it's our 25th anniversary in 18 months and DH is determined to celebrate it in style. 25 years on we are still in touch with family and my school friends and DH's uni friends and some very close friends from that time. We are in touch with about 4 of the looser contempraries from that time of the 20 or so who came. Although we have of course met new friends and neighbours in that time who are now very important to us.

YANU to feel disappointed OP but YABU when the bride has made it clear that they've had to draw lines, something most brides nowadays have to do with H&S restrictions and cost (and grooms-why is it everyone forgets the grooms since this will likely be a joint decision and applicable to all friends? Sometimes I think even if it were the groom who was the friend somehow the bride would be the ultimate to blame.).

For whatever reasons people have to draw lines, I've had to ask several of my friends DPs to come in the evening only- 1 I've never met, 1 is only 3 weeks in at the moment and 1 is a controlling wanker (not happy to cut him completely is i could). If I didn't draw that line, I wouldn't be able to invite all my close friends due to venue restrictions in size. I would rather have my close 25 friends (some with equally close partners) then have to invite half that number with people i don't know. I could have cut all children I suppose, which would have been better in somes eyes but I interact with the children invited more then i have the DPs.

Though I did also to everyone face-to-face straight up so they were aware before invites went out which made people happy.

I have to go by venue size because I'm getting married somewhere i love, can afford and has restrictions and no, my friends DPs aren't as important to me as they are to them. The ones who are invited are. If they don't want to come they don't have to. I accept that and I accepted it when DP wasn't invited to a fair few weddings and I wasn't either. In all honestly, for some weddings I was relieved since DP played an active part and I'd barely met the wedding party. How do you know your DP won't feel as uncomfortable if he comes? Your kids will be busy and you may also be, he may be left hanging around uncomfortable while everything is going on- just as it would have been (and was in one case, much as the invite was appreciated) for me.

Personally, I could have gone for another venue but then it wouldn't be the one my parents and grandparents got married in and that's very important to me. I'm having those I love come and if my friends DPs want (minus the controlling wanker hopefully) they are very welcome in the evening when we can open the doors and have more space.

With wedding, someone will always be upset. Every member of the wedding party will be stressed/upset at some point and some guests will be too.

I've seen people upset because:

RSVPS were missing or late
People didn't turn up
Weddings were kid free
Gift lists weren't included and people had to search
People though some guests/wedding party members made it all about them
Some guests/bridal party were wankered

You can't please everyone OP. I suggest you talk to your partner and decide what you want to do.

NearTheWindmill you will still always have that worry. My friend thought he'd covered all the bases. Some people didn't turn up who he'd catered for, some people brought plus 1s without asking, some people decided that since they had a partner 2 weeks before the event they should bring them. And the worst, someone brought their new DP of 3 weeks without askign or checking and it turned out to be the wankered who'd really hurt and messed up the bride's sister.

You can plan to suit everyone but someone will always, always be upset, They may just not tell you.

You cant please everyone - so you should please yourself.....

I preferred to look after 80 special guests in 5* style rather than diluting the experience to 300 at a church hall buffet.

Our day, our money, and knowing that I had looked after everyone who was important to me = DREAM DAY - if some random cousins scattered across the country got in a huff - I really still don't give a shit. Avoiding offending my 60 + cousins and their OHs by celebrating my marriage with 300 at a church hall buffet would never be an option.

I wasn't worried about offending people - I had about 5 'singles' comes to my Wedding without inviting their partners, even though I had met some of their partners. When they had got married I had been I voted but my husband hadn't - it really wasn't a problem. Space and money mean the B&G can't just invite everyone they want and their partners too, it just doesn't work like that in all situations. I could only have 29 guests on my side, should I really have invited the 5 partners of my friends, taking up a total of 10 of my spaces, and then have to reject 5 other close friends or family members because there was no longer space for them?

I honestly am surprised that some people genuinely expect the B&G to make their Wedding day be about pleasing the guests as opposed to being about them and having the day they have always wanted.

We invited colleagues to the evening reception, and I think they had a good evening with free drinks and cake in lovely surroundings on a summer evening. Hopefully because they were all colleagues, who also lived locally, no-one was put out. I don't think it works so well if people are invited to the ceremony and then back for the evening after an afternoon of hanging around - but depends on the company they have (eg. could work with a group of friends, and the location/what they can find to do)

In the US it's common (at least in my area) to send invites to "X and family" and they'd fill in how many people on the RSVP. This utterly shocked me.

I ensured everyone's name was on the invite. I allowed SIL to bring a friend (and sent an invite to her specifically). Anyone over 18 got their own invite (even if living in the same house). Anyone who was married had their spouse invited. If you were not married your boyfriend/girlfriend was not invited unless I knew them (though we had a relative invite her bf anyway and they broke up a few months later... he didn't have to come, her entire family was there).

I received an invite from someone with PLUS 8 written on it! I nearly died of shock and called them to find out who else was coming. They didn't understand the concept of place settings (so I needed to know who).

My MIL invited her WORK COLLEAGUES! We told her no, they came anyway (and honestly they gave us the 3rd largest gift so it wasn't like they were just eat-and-run people).

My other SIL had her friends come for a drink in a pub nearby then invited them in to come and eat. I was paying per plate because I had to resort to a buffet style because I simply couldn't figure out who was going to come.

I also had people RSVP no, and still come. Or RSVP yes and not come. I was told to assume 20% above the RSVP count. I had 30 or so people come to the actual wedding, 85 people ate.

My wedding was nothing like I planned. So many of my guests wanted to do their own thing and it's really really selfish.

Mia I think I can put my hand on my heart and say I don't know anyone as rude as some of those you have described. Our friends would simply not have behaved like that.

Nearthewindmill. So in the past could my friend, he was as shocked when he confessed to me. These friends are lovely and I'd never have believed if if I hadn't seen/heard it. As I said weddings bring at the worst, as often do big events. I can guarantee you will piss someone off, however accidentally, or they will piss you off. You make think you've covered all bases- no, it just won't happen however much you plan and hope.

In the case of them, you may never hear it or may hear it much later and usually it's the people who are the nicest and you least expect who behave badly or who you upset.

Hopefully you will only have/had one or two unlike his many, then again his were all related so it's unsurprising they all take after mum and dad who led the way in shitty behaviour.

I can put my hand on my heart and say I know no one so rude - or rather I could have a year ago. You still wouldn't believe it if you hadn't been there, some can't having not been there- they were guestzillas though, big time. As for inadvertently offending, you would likely never know and your guests would want to keep bitching from you so I don't think anyone can put hands on heart there. You can hope, as I will when I get married, it probably isn't true though.

I can understand why the thought of being at the service and meal on your own might seem daunting.

I can also understand why your DP has 'only' been invited for the evening reception.

But, to be honest the it seems to be your own feelings that are hurt, for the impact on your enjoyment/comfort on the day, rather than how your DP might feel insulted by his lower status invite.

Surely there is a simple solution? All drive to the area together Fri eve. You and DC do the ceremony and meal while DP relaxes (plenty to do in Uckfield). Ask if DC can be seated with you at the meal. DP then joins you in the evening and you all stay over.

No need to cause drama/upset bride/involve DC in decision-making.

We didn't have an evening party. We had a late wedding at 4pm, everyone got to the reception at about 5.30 after photo's at the church and a 10 minute drive. We had some more pics until about 6 whilst the guests had drinks (there was a string quartet) and everyone was on the lawn because it was a very warm and sunny day. We sat down for dinner at 7, finished I guess at 8.30ish - speeches were nice and short - spring quartet struck up again, drinks and chatting - and we left at 10.30! One party - nothing over the top - job done. Nothing OTT. No uninvited guests - one "no show" but he had been admitted to hosp with a kidney stone the night before.

Our Wedding started from 10.30am - it was a long day!! Quite a significant part of our budget was spent on entertainment to ensure the guests didn't get bored