No Plus 1 for DP given these circumstances

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

So, I've known the bride well, like part of my family for almost 14 years. In June this year we went on a weeks girls holiday together as she was resolutely single. My teenage DCs are part of her wedding party. She is also Godparent to both DCs

However AIBU that I am devastated to find out my seriously committed DP of 2yrs only being extended an evening invite. ... OK so she hasn't met him, but then again I have never met her intended!

I cannot believe she is serious. Her wedding is 1.5hrs away and she is expecting me to organise getting DC's to wedding party dress/suit fittings and the actual wedding morning at her house.... then for me to hang around for 5 hrs to watch her get married / eat with strangers and for DP to join us for the evening only. I am super proud the DCs will be part of her day, both DP and I are, but situation is insulting. - although I haven't told DP yet -

DP was going to pay for us to stay in a hotel near the venue for Friday and Saturday nights. But now why would he want to?

Seriously thinking of declining altogether. I am sure she can work out the logistics and care of my under 16's without me.

UPDATE: Just spoken to both DCs separately. DS says he will feel too awkward without me for moral support and that DP is a bigger part of all of our new rebuilt lives (after DH ended his life) than the bride. DD -whom has waited all her life to be a bridesmaid and was so excited earlier this week when she was fitted for her dress - was even more pointed in her response at the thought of DP not getting a full invite .... and immediately said she didn't want to be a bridesmaid if DP wasn't counted as part of our family.

• lets not forget that my adopted DS 6 has not been invited at all - but I understand that as she doesn't want children at the wedding and her Maid of Honours DS the same age has also not been invited.... (but MoHs DP has)

Pls help. What do you think I should do and how do I politely get my point across fairly and without malice?

[Mia4]

But SapphireMoon , the bride has already explained her position to the OP and hasn't offered a change in invite, she's left the invitation as evening only. The OP cannot have said 'if DP can't come, we won't be able to' or the ride would have said there and then that she'd try and change things and let OP know or would have got royally pissed.

I don't think it's thoughtless to need to draw lines. It's nice to invite your ex-employer's kids to be in the wedding party and invite the ex-employer friend as well. It's not thoughtless to prioritise a close family or friend over a plus 1 whom you've never even met. If you give everyone a plus 1/2/3 of their partners, their kids or extended family then unless you both have a tiny friend and family circle or unlimited funds your never going to get anywhere.

I don't think this affects the OP at all in 'pecking order', it does her DP but having never met bride or groom why would he be 'up' on it? I'd rather, and have been, invited to a wedding and have DP come later or vice versa. In fact it was a relief when DP went on his own and I went down with others i knew in the evening, I'd have been so uncomfortable and on edge knowing no one when DP was running around doing wedding stuff- just as OP and her kids will be doing. I had the uncomfortablenss at one wedding and I would have preferred to go in the evening.

Sadly, weddings do bring out the worst. Sometimes it's bride and groomzilla, sometimes it guestzilla/s. Once even MILzilla and bridesmaidzilla/s. Emotions run high, people get upset and annoyed and entitlement runs amuck. Usually on the day, weddings do bring out the best of people though.

[ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas]

I think this will certainly end the friendship, but I don't think the OP is bothered about that tbh. Which is a shame as there must be closeness there, picking someone as a bridesmaid is a big deal imo!
Not much point posting though as a month will pass before OP does anything about it. I too would love to know the DP's actual feelings on this.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I don't think the OP has thought about that if her DH does go to the whole day he will be bored whilst her and her kids do wedding things. Her DC will need to be in all the photos, be in the right place etc.

When my DH was best man I did a lot of hanging around waiting for him.

If the bride has already worked out numbers then its not about the OP paying for her DH to go, venues only have a limited capacity. It may be that someone can't go and maybe the DH can be bumped up to the day, who knows.

I think now the OP expects a day invite, which may still not happen. So instead she's going to pull her DC out after the invites have gone out if this doesn't happen, which seeing as her DC are part of the wedding party is quite selfish and will end the friendship.

Reading the OP's replies I get the impression she isn't reading anything anyone has written.

[WooWooOwl]

I don't think it's any more selfish to pull children out of the wedding party than it is to ask a whole family to travel and pay for accommodation for your event and then declare one member of that family as not important enough to be invited to the whole thing.

If having the children in the ceremony is that important to the bride, then she will invite the whole family.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

So the bride should potentially not invite a close friend or family member for the OP's DP? Who the bride has never met and thought that it was a casual relationship.

Yes it is selfish, the wedding invitations will go out only a couple of months before the wedding by which time dresses will have been bought and fittings will have been had. If she wants to pull them out she should do it now before the bride and groom waste more money.

[NearTheWindmill]

Agrees with WooWooOwl. If the bride was really a good friend of the OP I think she would be a bit more mindful of the OP's feelings and take into account that the OP and her children lost their husband and father in recent years and that the OP has been lucky enough to meet a serious and significant other since then and has been able to turn her life around. Nevertheless weddings are still emotional, the OP and her children are travelling and helping the bride and taking into account all the circumstances I think it would be entirely appropriate for the OP's partner to have been invited to the full day. Actually I think if the bride only wanted to invite half of a partnership then she probably shouldn't have involved or invited the OP at all. I think what the bride has done is more offensive than not inviting the OP.

When I was single I attended weddings on my my own knowing few people on occasion - I have also attended weddings of DH's employees and colleagues where I have known nobody. It really isn't difficult to chat with other guests at a wedding and find something interesting to talk about. I would expect most guests to be capable of that.

[ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas]

When does a boyfriend become a partner, and member of the family?
I'd imagine people go slowly with these things especially where there are dcs involved.

[NearTheWindmill]

Well, for us if a friend had a serious boyfriend or girlfriend at the time the invitations were sent they were invited as a couple.

Hard for me to comment really because I think weddings where guests are invited to different parts are wrong and discourteous anyway. If someone isn't important enough to be invited to the marriage service and the reception, why invite them to an extra and expensive evening do if they aren't important to you.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

But the OP said that until she spoke to the bride, the bride thought it was just a casual relationship. She's never met him so how would she know? I wonder how close friends they actually are.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Exactly, Pobble.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

It is like the OP has forgotten she is not the Bride's boss anymore and has no say over what she does in her own life.

[jacks365]

Thats the question when does a boyfriend cross over from being a boyfriend to being a member of the family and to me that would be at some form of public declaration ie getting engaged or moving in together neither of which have happened in this case. The op might consider her bf to be a significant part of their lives but there is no outward sign to the rest of the world that this is so.

Op if you pull your dc out after the invitation is received then ywbvu.

[WooWooOwl]

I don't think it makes that much difference if the relationship is serious or not. It's about the guests ability to enjoy the event alone versus with a plus one.

If someone you want at your wedding is going to feel awkward and have a logistical nightmare with transport and accommodation if they are alone, then that should be important enough to the hosts that they offer a plus one.

[yetanotherstatistic]

You haven't found time to meet the groom up til now so you can't be that close. To extend an invitation now that the invites have come out in a thinly veiled attempt to get your dp invited to the whole day is embarrassing IMO. What if everybody tried that tactic?

The bride was upfront about why she couldn't invite your DP, you should have made it a condition of the dc's being bridesmaids if it is that critical. Don't leave it until the invites come out to withdraw the bridesmaids - if you haven't said anything to her she will assume not inviting your bf is ok.

[yetanotherstatistic]

You haven't found time to meet the groom up til now so you can't be that close. To extend an invitation now that the invites have come out in a thinly veiled attempt to get your dp invited to the whole day is embarrassing IMO. What if everybody tried that tactic?

The bride was upfront about why she couldn't invite your DP, you should have made it a condition of the dc's being bridesmaids if it is that critical. Don't leave it until the invites come out to withdraw the bridesmaids - if you haven't said anything to her she will assume not inviting your bf is ok.

[yetanotherstatistic]

You haven't found time to meet the groom up til now so you can't be that close. To extend an invitation now that the invites have come out in a thinly veiled attempt to get your dp invited to the whole day is embarrassing IMO. What if everybody tried that tactic?

The bride was upfront about why she couldn't invite your DP, you should have made it a condition of the dc's being bridesmaids if it is that critical. Don't leave it until the invites come out to withdraw the bridesmaids - if you haven't said anything to her she will assume not inviting your bf is ok.

[MrsFeathersword]

I still don't see why the transport and accommodation is a "logistical nightmare" in this case though
Wouldn't it be easier actually for the DP to stay behind to mind the 6 year old? (Won't someone think of the children ?!)

[CrapBag]

I echo what someone else said, be interesting to know what your dp actually thought. That's conveniently not been disclosed.

[UnhappyWeddingGuest]

The bride has now said "yes DP can come as I hadn't realised you were properly together"

I drafted 101 responses from particularly pointed to flippant, deleted them all and then simply thanked her for extending her hospitality to include DP.

WooWooOwl and
NearTheWindmill

and a few others thank you for reading every thing

[Jomato]

I'm glad you have got your own way in the end because I'm sure your children will enjoy the day.

There are clearly a lot if people on this thread who have read everything. It's interesting you only thank those who agree with you. It would seem to me that says a lot about your character.

I feel quite sorry for your friend, she sounds lovely.

[Thumbwitch]

"It's very unlikely she'll change her mind just after meeting him once, they're on a very tight list after all and there's bound to be people they are friends or know who will take priority over him. "

But it could happen - when friends of mine got married, initially they weren't going to invite DH (then only DP) because they hadn't met him. I knew a lot of the guests so it wouldn't have really mattered. Then the groom (who was more my friend) came round one day and met DH - and subsequently we had a revised invitation for the whole day for both of us. Which was rather lovely of them, I thought. :)

[Thumbwitch]

Oh crap, HOW did I miss the last update??

Very glad for you OP. :) Hope you all enjoy the wedding.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Your poor friend has gone to the trouble of rearranging the seating, the catering and incurring the extra cost of accommodating your DP, who she's never laid eyes on before and you're still moaning...

[diddl]

Bloody hell OP-grow up!

You got your way & still your immediate response wasn't just "thank you".

With "friends" like you...

[LittleBearPad]

Why did you go through various responses? I'm glad you settled on simply saying thank you - you should be bloody grateful. As diddl says - grow up.