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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think MIL is talking crap?

136 replies

Danann · 28/12/2013 23:22

I've had yet another disagreement with MIL, I have tried so hard to get on with her but whatever I do is wrong and she has told DH many times that he could do better.

Anyway todays disagreement was that she wants DD(5) to go over to her house for new years eve, MIL is having a party and DD will be the only child there, neither me or DH will be there, she hasn't invited DS (because DS isn't DH's biological son) and both DC have been invited to a sleepover with 4 other children which I think DD will enjoy more. I've told MIL all this and said DD is not going to hers, she's called me a load of names and hung up.

MIL has just text me saying 'You know I've checked with a solicitor and I have rights to see my granddaughter, I will take this to court.'

I hadn't said I was completely stopping her seeing DD anyway, I'm just not letting DD go to this one party!

Grandparents don't have contact rights do they?

OP posts:
ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 30/12/2013 10:21

Agree, don't react, silence will be more annoying for her - and it is probably expedient to keep the moral high ground.

And yes, best have only DH deal with her from now on (if you haven't been put off all future contact by this entitled nonsense and her foul attitude to your DS).,

schokolade · 30/12/2013 10:40

I would keep a log of what goes on Danann. Including when MIL sees DD and/or DS, how long for, what they did, any noteworthy comments or evidence such as receipts, theatre tickets (in excel for ease and consistency). And I would keep a separate log of her threatening contact with you - telephone calls, texts/emails (printed), conversations.

If sent a text or email, I would reply politely that MIL is welcome to see DC on dates x, y or z, but the one she wants is not in DD's best interests because event x is planned. If the text/email is abusive I would add on that she please desist with the name calling or threats.

Might seem extreme, but as long as you consistently record all contact she won't get anywhere!!

TalkativeJim · 30/12/2013 11:25

I honestly think I'd see this as a golden opportunity to rethink contact completely.

If this is the way she is going to be, if this is the grandmother she is shaping up to be, you should have a serious think about whether maintaining this relationship is going to have a detrimental effect on your child and your family long term.

I've said this before: I've seen several quite heartbreaking posts on here from parents who let this kind of grandparent carry on having contact, trying to maintain boundaries whilst believing that despite the grandparent's inappropriate behaviour, it was always best for the child to have some sort of relationship with them. In several cases, the outcome was that as the child grew older and was able to have more contact independently of the parents, the grandparent became more manipulative and controlling and succeeded in undermining the parents' relationship with the child, even turning the child against them completely.

This woman isn't going to be a good relationship for your child to have. The only way to sort this out would be a big, BIG reminder RIGHT NOW that her right to be in your child's life is and always will be totally dependant on her NOT posing a threat to your family harmony. She toes the line, now and always, or she is OUT.

I'd sit down with your DH and get him on board with this and then make a very clear reply.

Her behaviour in threatening court action is as unacceptable as it is unreasonable. Your family will NEVER tolerate being blackmailed in any way. Her saying this has convinced you both that she is not a grandmother worth having. Contact is therefore over. Got to court and good luck to you.

She'll do one of two things. A. She'll try and take it to court and be refused permission to even apply - as others have said, she HAS access! She just isn't being allowed to override your parenting decisions! Hopefully she'll do this as it will really call her bluff completely. Or B. She'll back down and apologise.

Calling her bluff in this way really is what you need to do. Otherwise this kind of behaviour will go on, and ramp up as your child gets older and can be manipulated directly. And yes, her daughter will calm and complain...and you and your DH can explain very clearly the situation and how for everyone's sake you cannot allow her to carry on with making destructive threats as she will ultimately make HER OWN relationship with your children a miserable one.

Once her bluff has been called, you're in the driving seat. Contact will be on your terms- if you allow her back into your family life, it will be on a strict understanding that if anything, ever crips up like this again then you will stop wanting her in your lives. Crucially, she will now believe you. So you can set your ground rules like mama and papa tiger, which personally for me would include NO overnights for a very very long time, and I'd be happy to say right to her face that it's because you don't want yor child being subject to manipulation without you there. Visits with you there only, visits when convenient for YOUR family, any weight throwing around and it will be goodbye.

If you are ever to pull this back into a good functioning relationship, you simply can't let her make that sort of threat and not slap it down. Your child is a baby, this is only the start. Nip the bud now.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 30/12/2013 11:36

You don't have to have this woman in your life, you know.

NigellasDealer · 30/12/2013 11:42

I just wouldnt put up with that, the child is only 5 now where will it lead?
what talkativejim said tbh

Caitlin17 · 30/12/2013 12:35

If you have an Android phone there are various apps you can install which save text messages off the phone. I use one called sms back up and restore. It can be set to save texts to the memory card but more usefully can be set to email copies to an email address or Google Drive (cloud storage) so if your phone is lost or broken the texts can be accessed on your Google account on another phone or tablet.

FetchezLaVache · 30/12/2013 14:16

Excellent post, talkativeJim.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2013 14:25

It would be the final straw for me and I would cut contact with her - me and both of the children, DH would be told that any secretive meet ups with the kids would end in divorce and frankly, I'd hope he would see that being threatened by his mother was the final straw as well and refuse to have any contact with her either. Toxic, nasty, threatening people have no place in my life - nor that of any children.

kennyp · 30/12/2013 14:36

my twatting shitarse father has threatened me with "the law will intervene" unless i let him see my children. he can twat right off.

i've googled it a lot as i was mortified/petrified etc. and on one website i read (solicitors website) it says, like other people have said, that unless they can prove something absolutely concrete (for e.g. a friend's mum lives with her every weekend and does a ton of childcare for her grandchildren) then there's very little hope.

it even said on this website "it's advisable to keep it friendly and be nice" (paraphrasing hugely). perhaps this is why i have extended family springing up from nowhere on my twatting father's side. i.e. though, the "keep it nice and friendly" thing is the solicitors way of saying "this won't stand up in court/get to court".

you've had some amazing advice here - i've read it absolutely avidly, unfortunately.

Danann · 30/12/2013 16:31

Thanks all, I'm still resisting telling her what I think of her, i think you might all be right about her wanting the drama.

MIL has tried calling round the family bitching and trying to cause trouble, SIL has phoned to scream at me but I was expecting that, SIL is lovely but she has aspergers and her mum tends to try to tell her what to feel, FIL says hes going to calm SIL down and is furious with MIL.

MIL's husband tried to get involved, I've told him to fuck right off, they only got married in August and DH doesn't like him so his opinion means less than nothing.

She tried talking to my parents because as grandparents they should be concerned that they won't get to see them either, Mum replied with 'oh didn't you know, I'll see them at the sleepover' (Dsis(9) and Dbro(10) are going too)

Thanks TalkativeJim, that's really helpful

OP posts:
Danann · 30/12/2013 16:33

kennyp, I hope your father stops being a twat about it all soon.

OP posts:
Annonynon · 30/12/2013 16:40

Well done for standing firm

I think you would be absolutely crazy to let her have any more contact ever with your dd

friday16 · 30/12/2013 16:44

SIL has phoned to scream at me

Out of lurid interest, what was the basis for her screaming?

HermioneWeasley · 30/12/2013 16:52

I thought schokolade's post about keeping records of contact was very useful advice.

I would not allow unsupervised contact with this woman - she sounds poisonous. Being abusive to the mother of the children harms the children.

ScarletButterfly · 30/12/2013 16:54

Grandparents have the right to apply to the court for permission to apply for a contact order, as they have no parental responsibilities.They cannot just apply for one without prior permission from the court, and it is an expensive and lengthy process, I've been through it.

If she was to get permission (unlikely in this case), she would then have to apply for the contact order separately. At that point, if successful, she would most likely be granted a couple of hours (which you could request was supervised), and/or telephone and email contact. Which sounds like less than what she is getting now. Any solicitor would warn of this before she ever even started. So what she has said is an absolute load of crap.

Meerka · 30/12/2013 17:01

Do keep records yes.

Do not engage with her. After the convo with your parents, she'll be frothing at the mouth and chewing the chairlegs. You'll get only poison.

I would also be considering refusing her all further contact with your DD because she does sound dreadfully poisonous, with the way she's manipulating your SIL. Poor Sil.

Danann · 30/12/2013 17:02

coz I've upset her mum and I shouldn't be horrible to her mum and because all SILs ever wanted is to be an aunt and I shouldn't be cutting DD off from her family and getting courts involved.

I did try to explain to SIL that its only 1 visit to MIL I've stopped and reminding SIL that I live round the corner and she's always welcome to pop round but she was so upset and as unpleasant as screaming calls are, I know she doesn't really understand so am not pissed off with her.

It's taking a lot not to phone and tell MIL what a absolute bitch she is to manipulate poor SIL like that though, I mean who the fuck deliberately uses their daughters SN to try and get their own way?

OP posts:
Danann · 30/12/2013 17:08

btw just had a look on Gransnet, bloody hell there really are some nasty grans out there!

OP posts:
Highlander · 30/12/2013 17:38

She's having a NyE party, everyone will be drunk, err....... Why is it appropriate that a small girl should be there on her own? Confused

If drunk, they GPs are not capable of safeguarding the girl properly.

The whole scenRio gives me the creeps.

pumpkinsweetie · 30/12/2013 18:06

Looks like she is of toxic type Op!
Anyone who starts raining in other family members to do their dirty work is highly manipulative.
You are best off re-considering her even seeing your children at all as leaving your ds out is a no-no in my book!

Caitlin17 · 30/12/2013 18:20

Gransnet seemed pretty weird to me. I can't really see why anyone, a mum or gran or not, who has an interest in children, relationships, friendships, human dynamics, current affairs, politics,feminism and generally what makes the world go round would choose it.

kennyp · 30/12/2013 18:34

thanks danann. i have got his threatening letter. the christmas presents went in the bin. he's got previous form for harassing people so if some dimwitted solicitor decided to take his case on. good god i don't even want to think about!!

hope you decide to do something concrete about your mil. she sounds utterly repellant.

Chippednailvarnish · 30/12/2013 18:46

I love the way that on Gransnet it is always the Dil's fault and their sons can never be held responsible for anything!

Stay strong OP.

Caitlin17 · 30/12/2013 19:06

Chippedvarnishalthough there are some truly evil daughters too!

The story I quoted from was daughter not permitting access. Oddly the poster seemed to have fallen out with her son too as from what I could make of it he sided with his sister.

ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 19:16

Radio silence will be the way forward - avoid being drawn into a shouting match and try to keep your blood pressure within normal limits. Conserve your energy.

Has DH spoken to her? Would he be able to speak to his sister to try to soothe her a little?