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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL is talking crap?

136 replies

Danann · 28/12/2013 23:22

I've had yet another disagreement with MIL, I have tried so hard to get on with her but whatever I do is wrong and she has told DH many times that he could do better.

Anyway todays disagreement was that she wants DD(5) to go over to her house for new years eve, MIL is having a party and DD will be the only child there, neither me or DH will be there, she hasn't invited DS (because DS isn't DH's biological son) and both DC have been invited to a sleepover with 4 other children which I think DD will enjoy more. I've told MIL all this and said DD is not going to hers, she's called me a load of names and hung up.

MIL has just text me saying 'You know I've checked with a solicitor and I have rights to see my granddaughter, I will take this to court.'

I hadn't said I was completely stopping her seeing DD anyway, I'm just not letting DD go to this one party!

Grandparents don't have contact rights do they?

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 29/12/2013 00:53

One of the rare threads where the poster no doubt expected and deserves YANBU. The bit about going to court is complete tosh.

Why on earth would anyone want a 5 year old to be the only child at a Hogmanay party?

OpalTourmaline · 29/12/2013 00:53

I thought maybe the mil hadn't seen your dc for ages and was getting desperate, but you are saying you have offered contact recently and it was refused, yet she is threatening to apply for contact through a solicitor? How mad. When did she last see your dc?

OpalTourmaline · 29/12/2013 00:57

Did you see her over Christmas?

Caitlin17 · 29/12/2013 01:00

Oh and she is talking crap.

eggsandwich · 29/12/2013 01:00

I would of said that's funny because my solicitor said you have no specific rights as a grandparent, so if I was you I'd change your solicitor to one that's qualified.

lookatmybutt · 29/12/2013 01:06

Pigs that's reassuring, but that bit on the family law website linked earlier about how it is very rare for grandparents to be refused contact makes me worry a bit.

Oh, that's just some firm's website who are probably after some £££. GPs can apply until the cows come home, but in the meantime the vast VAST majority of people can just go 'hahahahaha!' because the chances of them actually getting a contact order are slim to none.

Never seen one, personally. Worked in that line of things for about 5 years or more (not as a lawyer).

I like your response Danann.

Original poster
Danann · 29/12/2013 01:15

She last saw DD on 23rd December and they went to see Father Christmas on the 11th, admittedly before that it was the end of August but that was MIL's choice, she was invited to come round and told when half term was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Danann · 29/12/2013 01:20

See that's why I'm getting so annoyed with her, she sees DD often and it is very rare we'll say no, yet when we do she has a stupid hissy fit!

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 29/12/2013 01:25

My dcs grandparents were granted a contct order for twice fortnightly contact. However, this is because exp was not in the country and they applied in order to maintain a relationship with the paternal family. Im not sure if they would have got it if exp had lived here. Maybe though as theyd had regular contact up til that point and courts like to maintain existing relationships.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2013 01:43

Its not just regular contact that matters loads of other things do.

I've known two gp's get contact orders out of many who have tried in both circumstances the child used to live with them long tem.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 29/12/2013 01:54

Of course sock, i was just pondering my own situation. I know all cases are different. Smile

RudolphtheRedknowsraindear · 29/12/2013 08:03

OP, I wouldn't get involved in any war of words with your MIL, don't give her any ammunition to fire back at you.
You made the joint decision with DP that your DD should go to the sleepover. At the moment, she is threatening you & blaming you for a joint decision.
Park it,for a day or so until DP is feeling better, then let him be the one who responds to her. It's his mother & she is questioning his judgement as a parent & threatening/being abusive to his wife.
Let him sort out his relationship with his Mum, step back & let him deal with it, her threats & abuse are for him to sort out.

friday16 · 29/12/2013 08:18

You could, of course, respond that if contact between your child and your mother in law is going to be the subject of legal action, all future communication needs to take place between your solicitors and any future contact with your daughter should be at a supervised contact centre until the matters have been resolved. You look forward to receipt of information from her solicitor regarding the action, and will not be communicating with her until it arrives.

Alternatively, your husband could tell his mother to go and fuck herself, and that she'll have contact with her grandchildren approximately when hell freezes over.

There's a heartrending thread over on MSE about a grandmother with clear mental health issues who is violently harassing her daughter, and has used the threat of legal action (wrapped up in "concern": the mother had had PND, although that appears completely irrelevant other than in the grandmother's fevered imagination) as part of her campaign. The support being given to the poster in that thread is heartwarming, and I think that without an online community the situation for her would be a great deal worse; it's easy for affluent, articulate middle-class parents to laugh at pathetic threats of lawfare, but rather harder if you're a single mother with a history of PND living on benefits.

ZillionChocolate · 29/12/2013 08:20

Contact orders for grandparents are reasonably rare because not many apply. They do happen though. It's not likely to be for any of the special days (Christmas/NYE/Easter Sunday/birthday/mothers day) unless by agreement.

If she applied, she's not going to get anything better than you're already giving by the sounds of it.

I think once he's well, DH needs to take up with her the appalling way in which she's treating you. Contact needs to be on the basis that she's civil at the very least. Hang on to the messages.

pictish · 29/12/2013 09:04

Agree with Rudolph entirely.
I'd just hand this one to blokey to sort out, and have nothing to do with it.

Twighlightsparkle · 29/12/2013 09:09

I would play it " nice" with her, rise above her and have the morale high ground.

What does your husband think? Can he speak to her and tell her the same as you.

TobyLerone · 29/12/2013 09:16

Please make sure that your DH backs you up 100% on this. Please don't let your DS see him favouring your DD, because that's what it will look like if he doesn't stop his mother's awful behaviour now. And please don't get involved in text wars with her. Ignore.

RandomMess · 29/12/2013 09:17

I would be ultra ultra pleasant and reasonable - give her enough rope and she will hang herself (this quote it from a solicitor I saw over contact problems and he was right)

I would text back something "Of course we want you to see dd but as I explained she already has a sleepover arranged for NYE. I will get dh to arrange something with you. Once he's feeling better I will ask him to ring you"

She is delusional but it would be worth making a note of contact and requests etc so if you ever get a solicitors letter you can reply with the facts.

friday16 · 29/12/2013 09:18

The grandparents' rights development

There are regular threads about it on gransnet. The grandparents involved sound, almost without exception, like complete loons, with serious boundary issues. There's a sort of competitive "my woe is greater than yours" and it's hard to see how they could be of any benefit to the children involved.

I assume there are cases in which acrimonious divorces end up with one party getting sole custody and the other party's parents have had a meaningful relationship with their grandchildren, and a court deems contact in the children's best interest. But the cases that witter on about grandparents' rights seem more about needy adults with issues than about much concern for the children.

PTFO · 29/12/2013 10:02

YADNBU.

I too am concerned about gp access. But at least I know they were never interested to start with but is all about appearance for them but they DO have the money to fight if they choose to...

As a lot have mentioned it allows the gp who have 'issues' to think or even try/threaten legal action. Its all about the loopy tunes having a foot stamp and making as much stress/worry/noise as possible. Or simply getting back at he parents, it just gives them a weapon.

Ive often thought of going to see a solicitor just to see where they/we stand just incase they did do anything- so I'd be ready. Its been nearly three years now, they still send ds bday/xmas presents but it seams they think time has stood still and he is still three judging by the gifts they send a week or so ago. DS was amused and disappointed so now we have to decide what to do with the gifts!

op your mil sounds beyond reasonable or sane stick to your guns.

friday16 · 29/12/2013 10:18

One for solicitors.

Grandparent contact orders appear to arise out of divorces, separations or widowhood, where one set of grandparents are excluded by the parent that ends up with full responsibility. Pretty much by definition the parent who is the child of the grandparents seeking the order either isn't on the scene, or is constrained to (say) supervised contact, because if they were were a NRP with regular unrestricted contact they could simply take the child to see their grandparents.

Are there ever cases where two parents, married or in a stable relationship, deny access to one set of grandparents and those grandparents are able to secure access over the objections of both parents? What sort of circumstances are involved? Not step-parents or other complicating factors, but where both the parents named on the birth certificate say "no, you cannot see your grandchild" and a court overrules that decision.

Rumplestinkskin · 29/12/2013 10:23

YANBU obviously........

Although, personally any grandparent who calls me names wouldn't get to see my kids (speaks from experience Blush ). I think you've done the right thing, but your DH (when he gets better) defo needs to take the lead and point out that threats and name calling are not acceptable.

Luckily for us the grandparent in question has never had contact with our DC so they would never get visitation rights........ I do find the whole grandparents rights thing pretty scary in our position though

Caitlin17 · 29/12/2013 13:10

Family law isn't my thing but I can't imagine circumstances where a court could order access where a child living with both biological parents who were united in not wanting contact with gp and are not themselves the subject of any ss supervision requirements in relation to their parenting.

HissymasJumper · 29/12/2013 13:17

I'm afraid anyone who threatened me with legal action after blatantly excluding one of my children while cossetting the other would get it both barrels from me.
How dare she threaten you?

I'd stop ALL visits where both children were not included and tell her that if she wants legal, she'll have legal in a restraining order if she has the balls to threaten you again.

LickingMyWounds · 29/12/2013 13:27

Silly woman. Sounds like an empty threat made in the heat of the moment. If she followed it through and got some sort of access, unlikely, it would be probably minimal and very structured and she would miss out on any other things through the year other than the most formal occasions. I would just ignore and get on with your life if I were you.

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