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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be desperate for a baby?

115 replies

oskie84uk · 28/12/2013 14:30

I've been with dp for 4 years. Its got to the point where all thats on my mind is babies. Im 30 and childless, dp is 50 also no dc.

I have tried talking to dp regarding a baby and he says ee shoukd be financially secure til we think about dc. Thing is, neither of our situations are going ti change financislly. We both work, and pay rent and bills on time as well as having extra to enjoy meals out and weekends away, so in my eyes there is nothing to save up for. Also, I have tried talking to him about this, trying to alleviate his fears, but he wont talk back at me, only to say 'we have talked about this'. I then cry and he never hugs me, just stares blankly. The last time I cried was outside a restaurant, amd he walked off leaving me crying. That same night I confessed I miscarriee my son when I was 18 and he didnt hug me, say he was sorry for my loss, nothing.

He is usually a loving, generous person, but on this he wont give an inch.

I obviously dont want to force him into a baby but my longing for one is so intense that when my cousin told me she was trying for one with her dh, my envy overdhadowed my happiness for her even though I didn't show it.

My recent tests have justcome back that I have low egg reserves and endometriosis so im more desperate than ever!

OP posts:

Theironfistofarkus · 28/12/2013 14:36

I really feel for you. The urge to have a baby can feel like a physical need. Sad to say though that if your dp is 50 and showing no signs of movement this does not look positive. I would say you need to have a final go at explaining to him how important this is to you and if that fails, I would leave him.

MaidOfStars · 28/12/2013 14:36

You need to decide if you can stay with him, or if it's more important to find a partner who is on the same page as you re: children.

Theironfistofarkus · 28/12/2013 14:38

Ps I know of people who stayed with men like this until after they were no longer fertile only to find that they left them after a few years and quickly had a baby with someone else. You do not want that to be you

LakeOfDreams · 28/12/2013 14:38

It sounds to me like he isn't that interested in having DC. I think you need to actually sit down together and discus where you both see your future going in terms of having kids.

You need to sit down and be honest with each other if he doesn't want kids and you do then you need to re think your situation without usin it as a punishment or ultimatum.

It sounds to me like you are reasonably financially stable so I don't think that argument can particularly stand up. If you can get him to be more specific about what he would consider stable.

WooWooOwl · 28/12/2013 14:39

I think you need to decide whether you want to stay with this man or have a baby. It doesn't look like you're going to get both, he clearly doesn't want a baby.

HettiePetal · 28/12/2013 14:40

I think that if you are that desperate for a baby (nothing unreasonable about that), you need to consider finding a partner who wants the same. This one clearly doesn't.

HazleNutt · 28/12/2013 14:43

I'm sorry but I have to agree with others, your DP does not want to have children. If you do, you have to find someone else to have them with.

Original poster

oskie84uk · 28/12/2013 14:43

Thanks for replying so quickly. I have asked him if he wanted DC and he promised he does so why the wait?!

OP posts:

HettiePetal · 28/12/2013 14:46

Could he be saying "Yes, I do" because he knows that to say anything else might mean the end of your relationship?

Wolfiefan · 28/12/2013 14:46

Because if he said no you might leave?

Original poster

oskie84uk · 28/12/2013 14:50

And also he's self employed and says we can't afford a child and says he made a loss last year whoch must be bollocks COz we went away last yr for weekends away every two months and eat out three times aweek. He pays for treats.

OP posts:

Original poster

oskie84uk · 28/12/2013 14:53

Also it got to the point a fe mnths back where I said if he didn't consider ttc I would leave and he said leave then.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2013 14:56

Actions speak louder than words and I'm afraid it's clear from his actions, that he doesn't want children.

I agree with Wolfiefan in that he might not be up front about not wanting them, if he thinks it will spell the end of the relationship.

But I think you need to sit him down and have a straight out chat, providing you with a definite answer.

CestelloAnnunciation · 28/12/2013 14:57

I think its one of those moments in life where you have to take a big leap and lay your cards on the table.

I do think that if hehas reached 50 and still isnt 'ready' it may be that it isnt going to happen with this man. Youre still young enough to start again. Dont let this man waste your fertile years.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2013 14:57

Oh, X posted.

In that case you have your answer I'm afraid.

You gave him an ultimatum.

Mosman · 28/12/2013 14:59

Ultimatums won't work ... Ask him outright and he'll keep stringing you along, decide for yourself is he going to be the father you want for your child or is he going to "let" you have one to keep you quiet.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 28/12/2013 15:27

He's being very bloody selfish by not telling you what he really wants. He's 50, you both aren't getting any younger and as these years pass by so are your child rearing years. He needs to tell you the truth as to what he really wants. He's stringing you along until the time comes when he decides he's ready and then oops... it's too late.

If he said leave then, he's given you his decision I think.

I am really really sorry you're in this position. It must be bloody awful.

Flidais · 28/12/2013 15:34

He said 'leave then'? Did he mean that?
I think he is being very cowardly. I would call his bluff. He knows you have potential fertility problems, yet is still avoiding the issue and emotionally withdrawing from you when you try to discuss it. Not fair on you at all.
I really sympathise OP. YANBU to want to discuss the possibility of having a baby with someone you love, NBU to expect that will be part of your future when he had told you that will be the case.

HairyGrotter · 28/12/2013 15:35

He's been quite clear about his lack of desire for children. He's 50, he should know by now if he is prepared to have kids, plus, there is never a 'right' time.

Also, his inability to comfort you is a red flag, how will he cope with all the stresses (and joys) new parenthood throws up?

I'd start thinking long and hard about your future as a couple considering you both want different things

NearTheWindmill · 28/12/2013 15:37

It sounds as though he's been honest with you. YOu have to decide if you want a child more than you want to be with him. If it's the child you want - then leave him. Remember too that a baby/child is a much bigger financial commitment than a weekend away every couple of months and dinner out three times a week. At 50 your dp knows what he does and doesn't want and it doesn't sound as though he wants children or the commitment they bring.

PacificDingbat · 28/12/2013 15:40

This is one of life decisions where there just is no compromise.

You need to take a long hard look at your relationship and what you really want in life.
Yes, set a time-limit for how long you are prepared for him to come round, tell him this, and then stick to it.

You might have to be prepared to leave him.

Fwiw, I was 31 when I got married, had DS1 aged 37 and had another 3.

There's never any guarantees, but staying with somebody whose actions say 'no kids' louder than his words is certain to not get you a family.

Tbh, he also sounds a bit cruel and emotionally cold if he knows you are in such distress and walks away in public when you a crying.
3 meals out a week could pay for a lot...

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2013 15:40

If you were both 20 and you had all the time in the world, I might say something different but he is 50. He is not going to change. Also, if he has had relationships before LT and never had children, I think he made his decision a long time ago. Leave if children are more important than him.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/12/2013 15:41

sadly it seems he doesnt want children possibly with you or not at all :(

as others have said some men dont want them/say no and then meet a new partner and suddenly have them

you need to decide whether you love him enough to never be a mum or finish with him and take the chance you may meet someone who does want kids

and as someone who is childless but desperately wants kids but i have been told will 99% never have them, i totally understand how hard it is, and the urge you have - but in your case, you still have that chance to be a mum x

aquashiv · 28/12/2013 15:42

Do not have a child with someone who does not want children it is not fair on anyone especially the child.
Find someone who does.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/12/2013 15:43

He's 50. He's just stringing you along until you're menopausal and its too late or you have left him.

He doesn't have to do anything in the meantime.

I can't quite believe I am suggesting this, but given your limited timescales I would plan for being a lone parent, get pregnant and then dump him. Low egg reserves are not to be ignored.

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