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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be desperate for a baby?

115 replies

oskie84uk · 28/12/2013 14:30

I've been with dp for 4 years. Its got to the point where all thats on my mind is babies. Im 30 and childless, dp is 50 also no dc.

I have tried talking to dp regarding a baby and he says ee shoukd be financially secure til we think about dc. Thing is, neither of our situations are going ti change financislly. We both work, and pay rent and bills on time as well as having extra to enjoy meals out and weekends away, so in my eyes there is nothing to save up for. Also, I have tried talking to him about this, trying to alleviate his fears, but he wont talk back at me, only to say 'we have talked about this'. I then cry and he never hugs me, just stares blankly. The last time I cried was outside a restaurant, amd he walked off leaving me crying. That same night I confessed I miscarriee my son when I was 18 and he didnt hug me, say he was sorry for my loss, nothing.

He is usually a loving, generous person, but on this he wont give an inch.

I obviously dont want to force him into a baby but my longing for one is so intense that when my cousin told me she was trying for one with her dh, my envy overdhadowed my happiness for her even though I didn't show it.

My recent tests have justcome back that I have low egg reserves and endometriosis so im more desperate than ever!

OP posts:
SEmyarse · 28/12/2013 17:20

Is it possible he CAN'T have children? A fact that he discovered in a previous relationship, but is terrified to tell you because he might lose you?

PacificDingbat · 28/12/2013 17:22

SE, I've been wondering that too, but then thought it's too far fetched. Maybe not?

steff13 · 28/12/2013 17:28

Even if that's the case, it's so mean of him not to tell the truth. There are other ways to have children, if he loved the OP and wanted children, certainly they could work something out.

OP, I'm afraid you have your answer; he isn't going to be willing to have children with you. I'm sorry, but if kids are part of your life plan, you need to move on.

PacificDingbat · 28/12/2013 17:29

Yes, v dishonest.

specialsubject · 28/12/2013 17:33

make plans to leave and stop having sex with him - he doesn't love you given how he behaves.

sorry to be brutal but you are wasting your time with him.

good luck.

OpalTourmaline · 28/12/2013 17:33

I agree with pp who said "Dont let this man waste your fertile years."

RomulanBattleBagel · 28/12/2013 17:35

TBH even without the child issue, he sounds quite cold emotionally. Are you honestly happy with him otherwise?

I think given your possible fertility issues it's now or never. I like the idea suggested up thread about suggesting just abandoning contraception as opposed to actively trying, as it may seem less of a big step, but if that doesn't work, it's time to leave. TBH he already said as much didn't he, so you pretty much have your answer :(

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/12/2013 17:40

He's 50, he doesn't have kids and doesn't want them. He's already told you, you can leave when you gave him an ultimatum.

That should be enough for you OP to know where he stands. If you want children, you need to leave this relationship. Don't stay in the hope that he might change his mind, he won't. Only in ten years time you'll be childless and hating him.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/12/2013 17:43

30 is still young enough to be single for a year or two (if need be) then meet someone, have a year together and then plan for children so 34/35

yes obv fertility does go as you get older, but not always, i know many mums at 37/40 tho over 40 is rarer but thats 10years away

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/12/2013 17:43

dont trap this man

steff13 · 28/12/2013 17:50

I agree, don't trap him. You could always consider having a baby on your own with a donor, if you feel your time is running out.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/12/2013 18:56

The point I think a lot of people are missing is that if the OP has low ovarian reserves and endometriosis she is looking at a very limited timeframe in which to conceive.

Realistically telling her to leave her DP and go and meet someone new assumes that she years of fertile time left, when she hasn't. If she does go down this route she is unlikely to ever conceive her own biological child.

Her DP has trapped her into this situation (knowingly or otherwise) by saying he wanted children but now going cold on her.

Speaking as someone who has had similar fertility problems to the OP, would I give up my chance to conceive my biological child if a man had done this to me? No I wouldn't. I make no excuses for this, but it is a risk I would take (especially as I am standing here looking at my children).

I'm not justifying it as rational or otherwise, but I think a lot of posters here aren't seeing the repercussions of her leaving him. To essentially tell someone to lose their chance of "bioloogical" motherhood is not as simplistic as a lot of you are making out..

fluffyraggies · 28/12/2013 19:07

Her DP has trapped her into this situation (knowingly or otherwise) by saying he wanted children but now going cold on her.

The old saying two wrongs don't make a right applies here though chipping.

OP it's obvious from the outside looking in that this man doesn't want children. I would make good your threat and leave :(

Sperm donnership could be an answer if time is really an issue. It would be the ethical version of what chipping is saying i think ... ie: you don't have to be in a relationship to have children.

meditrina · 28/12/2013 19:08

A 50 year old who is "not ready" doean't sound like a greaprospect for fatherhood.

But, with your latest reproductive health indicators, I think you need to talk very frankly to him. Does you jointly have an actual financial plan? And what level of money/assets does he think is necessary? Do you agree? Have you had this discussion previously?

And what do you know of his relationship history? Have previous relationships foundered because of differences over having children?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/12/2013 19:34

When you have a baby the eating out three times a week and weekends away will stop, and therefore save you money. He's worried about being financially secure at 50? Why?

You don't have to have a partner to have a child, but I think if you stay with him you won't at all.

nauticant · 28/12/2013 19:59

He doesn't want kids. If you intend to stay with him, you need to accept that you won't have kids.

In fact,

Also it got to the point a fe mnths back where I said if he didn't consider ttc I would leave and he said leave then.

means that he wants not to have kids more than he wants to be with you. Not great.

Meerka · 28/12/2013 20:27

Give the man the respect of taking him at his clearlly stated word. He doesn't want children.

Unfortunately in your situation, you don't have time to play with. You're gonig to have to decide which is more important to you, him or children. It doenst sound like you can have both.

Meerka · 28/12/2013 20:28

by the way, it is absolutely reasonable to want and long for a baby.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 28/12/2013 20:31

Chipping the fact of the matter is both parties have the right to their own bodies and whether or not they want to use a product of said bodies to produce a child.

It is inherently wrong to take a choice away from them. Would you be saying the same if this were the other way round? Would you be telling a man to put holes in a condom? Because after all his biological clock is ticking too.. Which is were your logic seems to come from. I don't think you would. And I know it's not exactly the same as a woman carries and gives birth, but it is the same abuse and betrayal.it is still taking the choice away. And not a good environment for a child.

There's also the financial issue. What if the mother falls on hard times, she'd be able to then go and claim money from the man for this child after trapping him with one.

There are other options for a woman, donor for example.

Coldlightofday · 28/12/2013 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/12/2013 20:52

Do you why is the financial aspect so important to you?
Out of all the issues on this thread, it seems to be the one you mention most.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 28/12/2013 20:55

Actually the right of the people involved is my main issue.

I also take issue with the financial side because we can't have our cake and eat it. Why on earth should we be able to trap a man with a child then expect him to go along with financing it?!

Chippednailvarnish · 28/12/2013 21:27

As I have clearly said I have no expectation of any financial input from anyone else.

greenfolder · 28/12/2013 21:28

He doesn't want kids, he is happy as he is. We had a friend who was 20 yrs older than his wife. He was clear that he had already had kids(widowed young and raised on his own) she swore it didn't matter. And it didn't until she was 33. They divorced amicably because he had said throughout that he was too old to have another family. It was heartbreaking but they were both right. She is now single parent to her dd.
He is not going to change.

FestiveYoni · 28/12/2013 21:41

I think you need to decide whether you want to stay with this man or have a baby. It doesn't look like you're going to get both, he clearly doesn't want a baby

He doesn't want one.

you need to decide what you want and perhaps give him an ultimatum.

BUT I know soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

many men and women who said they were not maternal in anyway, never wanted a child, couldnt afford one bla bla bla nad it was sprung upon them by accident and low and behold...

simon cowell springs to mind also