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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be desperate for a baby?

115 replies

oskie84uk · 28/12/2013 14:30

I've been with dp for 4 years. Its got to the point where all thats on my mind is babies. Im 30 and childless, dp is 50 also no dc.

I have tried talking to dp regarding a baby and he says ee shoukd be financially secure til we think about dc. Thing is, neither of our situations are going ti change financislly. We both work, and pay rent and bills on time as well as having extra to enjoy meals out and weekends away, so in my eyes there is nothing to save up for. Also, I have tried talking to him about this, trying to alleviate his fears, but he wont talk back at me, only to say 'we have talked about this'. I then cry and he never hugs me, just stares blankly. The last time I cried was outside a restaurant, amd he walked off leaving me crying. That same night I confessed I miscarriee my son when I was 18 and he didnt hug me, say he was sorry for my loss, nothing.

He is usually a loving, generous person, but on this he wont give an inch.

I obviously dont want to force him into a baby but my longing for one is so intense that when my cousin told me she was trying for one with her dh, my envy overdhadowed my happiness for her even though I didn't show it.

My recent tests have justcome back that I have low egg reserves and endometriosis so im more desperate than ever!

OP posts:
DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 28/12/2013 15:47

And then presumably be entitled to money for him chipped Hmm

Chippednailvarnish · 28/12/2013 15:51

My Father has never paid a penny in child support for me. If my DH and I split tomorrow I earn more than enough to support my DCs and pay the mortgage.

Not everything in life relates to money. Missing the chance to have children is however priceless.

PacificDingbat · 28/12/2013 15:51

Chipped that is dreadful advice Hmm - heartache all round.

aquashiv is right.

Casmama · 28/12/2013 15:54

Wtf chipped??

OP under no circumstances follow this poor advice. You have years yet to have children.

Agree with others though that there are a number of signs he is stringing you along. I think it is time to move on and find someone who does want kids.

HazleNutt · 28/12/2013 15:55

30 is not ancient, plenty of time to find someone who wants to have children with you. I would start looking in the near future though.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/12/2013 15:55

Where as OP waiting for her DP to agree to a baby that he has no intention of ever giving her will make everyone happy?

She probably hasn't got time to meet someone else, so short of paying for a sperm donation her DP has now trapped her in an impossible situation.

Dinosaurporn · 28/12/2013 15:57

RTFT she doesn't have time on her side.

Casmama · 28/12/2013 15:57

Where the hell do you get the idea she doesn't have time to meet someone else - stop scaremongering!

Dinosaurporn · 28/12/2013 15:59

What do you think "low egg reserves" are?

Tikkamasala · 28/12/2013 16:00

I agree with others that it seems unlikely he is going to change his mind, and you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. From your post it does sound like it is so in your position I would probably be giving an ultimatum or leaving.

I do actually also think the point about your fertility is sensible - you are clearly concerned and aware of a time limit on your fertility as I am assuming you have been for some kind of tests to even have found out you have low egg reserves? I don't think you have time to be waiting around for him to change his mind, which might never happen. You might find someone else perfect for you who wants a family straight away which would be great but in case it takes a while I would be wondering (I don't know much about it) would it be possible for you to get some eggs frozen?

TheGinLushMinion · 28/12/2013 16:03

He's 50 & clearly has no desire for a child, this isn't going to change.

If you can't live with this then you should finish the relationship & find someone who wants the same things as you.

PacificDingbat · 28/12/2013 16:07

What tests did you have one?

'Low egg reserve' is usually only tested in fertility clinics (AMH, yes?), so are you making enquiries?

CynicalandSmug · 28/12/2013 16:09

If you want a child you will have to leave him. You know that already.

I am forty and have never wanted children, at least I have always been honest with boyfriends so they can move on and find a child orientated woman. He is being cruel to you, but to be honest it is difficult to understand the desire to have kids. I am so sorry for you op, best wishes with whatever you do.

RedHelenB · 28/12/2013 16:10

I think I would say to him that given your low fertility you no longer wish to use contraception (assuming here that you do) and how would he feel if you were to get pregnant & take it from there.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 28/12/2013 16:11

chipped just because your father didn't doesn't mean he shouldn't by law. The CSA can force the parent to pay as you should know, so giving advice out like that is very silly.

stickysausages · 28/12/2013 16:11

Yanbu, it can become a physical need. But I agree it sounds like your dp doesn't sound keen... and to be blunt, if he doesn't feel financially secure at fifty.... what's he been doing? Will he ever?

PacificDingbat · 28/12/2013 16:13

I think RedHelen's advice is honest and may shed more light on how he feels about it.

It might force your hand though if he says 'no way'.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/12/2013 16:16

Ahh yes the CSA, they are so well known for getting money out of parents who are self employed and making a loss...

fancyanotherfez · 28/12/2013 16:16

If he told you to leave if you didn't TTC his desire not to have children is stronger than his desire to be with you. And it is fine for him not to want children. Its wrong for him to string you along and its wrong for you to try and get him to change his mind. The money reasons sound like bollocks. He's 50 not 25. He knows his own mind. He's hoping you will change yours or that he can string you along until its too late.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 28/12/2013 16:19

chipped It doesn't matter whether they will or not. The fact of the matter is if she 'tricks' him into getting her pregnant he is still liable and that is not fair.

She may want a baby, he may be stringing her along, but using someone to get pregnant isn't on.

And a disgraceful thing to suggest IMO.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/12/2013 16:36

No more disgraceful then stringing someone along until their fertile years have gone, with empty promises of wanting children.

Timetoask · 28/12/2013 16:44

You have been together 4 years, old enough to know if you wish to commit with someone, have a family and settle.
I am really sorry, it must be very difficult for you, but you really need to be honest with yourself. This man doesn't want children, he lives his lifestyle too much to change it, and children do really change your life!

Even if he did agree tomorrow to have children (just to give you what you want), chances are he will be so unhappy then you will end up as a single mother anyway.

If you want to have children more than you want to be with him, then please leave him NOW. You are still young enough but please don't leave it too long.

Timetoask · 28/12/2013 16:45

Long enough (rather than old enough!)

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 28/12/2013 17:08

chipped Sorry but you have an extremely warped mind if you think your suggestion is okay.

I've said he's wrong, he is undoubtably in the wrong, but tricking him into a pregnancy is disgusting. You don't use deception to create a life, especially when the man couldn't be clearer he doesn't want children.

The OP now has a choice, a very hard one but a choice at that.

SolomanDaisy · 28/12/2013 17:11

He is 50 and he isn't ready for children yet. He probably never will be. You are 30, young enough to find someone to have kids with but old enough to need to get on with finding them.