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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be desperate for a baby?

115 replies

oskie84uk · 28/12/2013 14:30

I've been with dp for 4 years. Its got to the point where all thats on my mind is babies. Im 30 and childless, dp is 50 also no dc.

I have tried talking to dp regarding a baby and he says ee shoukd be financially secure til we think about dc. Thing is, neither of our situations are going ti change financislly. We both work, and pay rent and bills on time as well as having extra to enjoy meals out and weekends away, so in my eyes there is nothing to save up for. Also, I have tried talking to him about this, trying to alleviate his fears, but he wont talk back at me, only to say 'we have talked about this'. I then cry and he never hugs me, just stares blankly. The last time I cried was outside a restaurant, amd he walked off leaving me crying. That same night I confessed I miscarriee my son when I was 18 and he didnt hug me, say he was sorry for my loss, nothing.

He is usually a loving, generous person, but on this he wont give an inch.

I obviously dont want to force him into a baby but my longing for one is so intense that when my cousin told me she was trying for one with her dh, my envy overdhadowed my happiness for her even though I didn't show it.

My recent tests have justcome back that I have low egg reserves and endometriosis so im more desperate than ever!

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 28/12/2013 21:42

If a man hasn't had children by the time he's 50 and is still managing to find reasons with a long term partner as to why now isn't the right time, I think it's safe to say he just doesn't want them.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 28/12/2013 21:45

It doesn't matter Chipped, you might not do but what if you lost your job, the DC was ill... All sorts of things could happen that could put you in a position where you desperately need money. If you don't respect someone's right to give life you're hardly going to respect their wage packet if you fall upon desperate times - and I wouldn't blame any woman who did what the could to provide for their child, but it's why you shouldn't be in the position in the first place.

foreverondiet · 28/12/2013 21:54

I think that if you really want a baby and he doesn't then you have to leave him and find a way to have a baby, either on your own, or with someone else.

He has the right to not want one, and if he isn't ready at 50 he probably won't ever be ready.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 28/12/2013 21:56

OP do you live together?

How would he feel if you had a donor, would he want to continue the relationship?

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2013 22:06

"I have tried talking to him about this, trying to alleviate his fears, but he wont talk back at me, only to say 'we have talked about this'. I then cry and he never hugs me, just stares blankly. The last time I cried was outside a restaurant, and he walked off leaving me crying. That same night I confessed I miscarried my son when I was 18 and he didn't hug me, say he was sorry for my loss, nothing.

He is usually a loving, generous person, but on this he wont give an inch."

Sorry, but he really really does not sound loving and generous. A loving person comforts the person they love when they are crying. In fact, a loving person comforts a complete stranger when they are crying Sad.

" it got to the point a few months back where I said if he didn't consider ttc I would leave and he said leave then."
So that's it then. He has given you a choice, it's him or a baby Sad.

OP, I am really sorry to say this, but you have a decision to make. To remain childless with him, or to have children with someone else. He is fifty, and your financial lifestyle (trips away, eating out thrice-weekly) suggests you are as able to afford children; so I really cannot credit his demurring on financial grounds. People manage on far less. He just doesn't want children. Not at some mythical point in time, not ever.

It may seem a bit scary, considering going out there and meeting someone new. For comparison, I met DH when I was 30, and had our son when I was 35. And I've got end too. Just trying to tell you, it can be done.

All the best
(((((hugs))))))

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2013 22:08

And I've got endo too Blush

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/12/2013 22:17

I feel very sorry for your situation OP. No one gets to 50 without having kids who wants them. I think you need to go now.

30 is not too old to meet a new partner, of course it isn't, but given your known fertility issues I think I'd be getting advice about conception using donor sperm on your own.

notoneforselfies · 28/12/2013 22:19

He doesn't want children, that's pretty clear. He's placating you with the financial excuses as he doesn't want you to leave, but he also isn't taking you leaving seriously, hence his 'leave then' comment. I bet he wouldn't dream you'd actually go through with it.

If he was serious about wanting kids and it being the finances holding you both back, he would have called time on your weekends away and nights out etc long ago in order to save that money for a child instead. I don't see how you can continue to enjoy 'frivolous' things like this knowing that each one (supposedly) represents a step back in terms of attaining the financial safety blanket you need to start ttc.

But it's moot anyway as that's a bollocks excuse - you need to make a decision: Him or the possibility of children, with either another man or a donor. And then stick to it. Don't call his bluff, don't play games. It's hard I know but you need to be black and white about this and stand firm if that's what you want. If you pick him though you may end up resenting/hating him once it's too late to conceive and the relationship would be ruined anyway.

notoneforselfies · 28/12/2013 22:21

Also freeze some eggs to buy yourself some time. I don't know anything about it and how pricey it is, so I'm sorry if that suggestion is too flippant but: You have plenty of time at 30 to find a new partner and it'd be ideal to take the biological pressure off a little. Worth looking into in any case.

Mimishimi · 29/12/2013 08:36

YANBU but it really does sound like he's not at all interested. Money has nothing to do with it. I have a hunch that if you were to find any of his exes from the last fifteen years or so, his relationship with them ended for the same reasons. If he's that type, chances are highish he's already making plans to leave you and find another young woman who has not got 'clucky' yet. Good luck.

JapaneseMargaret · 29/12/2013 08:44

For heaven's sake, just leave him.

The world is full of men. And this particular man is standing in your way - potentially forever and irredeemably - of you having something you completely yearn for.

Why would you hang around? Confused

JoanRanger · 29/12/2013 09:05

Those egg reserve tests are notoriously misleading. However, your man is not being misleading. He's very clear that he doesn't want children. Very.

ZillionChocolate · 29/12/2013 09:20

I think you should consider ending it. He's made your choice clear. Hanging on for him to change his mind isn't going to work. I agree with others that he sounds like a cold man who isn't meeting your emotional needs.

PacificDingbat · 29/12/2013 09:25

This thread must be very hard to read, oskie - I hope you are ok.

Original poster
oskie84uk · 29/12/2013 16:49

Thanks for all your replies. He promised me he wanted children though just after we'd saved up. Does he really not want any? I did try and ask him how much we'd have to save up before we could start ttc but he couldn't say. I'm heart broken :(

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 29/12/2013 17:06

I think his age outweighs financial considerations. Say you save for another 3 years and got pregnant immediately, he'd be 75 at their graduation, maybe 85 at their wedding etc etc.

He might not be deliberately trying to mislead you, but actions speak louder than words. If he wanted a baby, you'd be trying to conceive one now.

Writerwannabe83 · 29/12/2013 17:09

I think Oskie you need to accept that it will probably never happen with this man. It sounds like as a couple you are quite financially well off seeing as you can afford meals out and weekends away etc - which is a lot more than me and my husband can manage Smile

I'm currently pregnant with our first baby and when we decided to have a baby we didn't have any savings. Our income is enough to pay our bills and our mortgage, be able to feed ourselves, put petrol in our cars and still have some left over which is good enough for us. Once I actually got pregnant we started to put £300 a month into a separate account but we will only be doing that for 10 months in total and will be solely used to cover my Maternity Leave. Apart from those savings we are just going to get on with raising the baby on the joint income that we have every month - which is what most families do.

I know it helps to have a 'Rainy Day Fund' but you can't 'save up for a baby' because then that baby turns into a child and then into a teenager. Expenditure on children is CONSTANT so how do you save for that when such costs are ongoing and unpredictable? Explain to your partner that children don't cost a 'set amount' that you need to keep set aside in the Bank....

Saving up to cover Maternity Leave costs I understand and agree with the notion, but apart from that all most can do is function on their monthly income.

I think you need to ask your partner what specifically it is that he is saving up for???? My guess is that he won't even have an answer because he knows its just a vague excuse he is giving.....

PacificDingbat · 29/12/2013 17:10

The money/saving thing is a red herring - sorry.
You don't have to have savings to have a child.

I am so, so sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but I agree 'action speak louder than words' and his actions say 'I don't want children' Sad.

I hope you find a way to be happy - with or without him, with or without children Thanks

notoneforselfies · 29/12/2013 17:39

if he doesn't have an answer on a specific sum he wants to put aside when you question him then sorry - not good enough. That's not the end of the conversation.

I wonder how he'd react if you said "OK, well let's not eat out, no trips away, no frivolous spending whatsoever. Let's live on a really meagre budget until we have enough put away for you to be happy to get going with this." If he really wanted kids and this was the only issue he'd be very keen to get on a very tight budget pronto. I'll bet you anything that wouldn't go down too well...It sounds like maybe you need to have a conversation like this just for yourself, to be properly convinced of his real intentions as we all are.

I'm so so sorry for you, but you have a very real chance to start again and be happy. Grab it now while you can or it'll be too late and you will end up terribly sad and embittered.

DizzyZebra · 29/12/2013 17:58

I personally think you are at a point where you need to decide whats more important. Him or a baby. You could have as little as ten years fertility left and thats without the results you got re eggs and endo.

I think there is a good possibility he kniws this and is putting you off knowing its not that long before you cant have one anyway, and hoping that youll just accept it then.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 29/12/2013 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 29/12/2013 20:57

Ltb. Seriously

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 29/12/2013 22:25

I'm really sorry OP. I know it must be bloody heartbreaking to be in your position right now.

Sharaluck · 29/12/2013 23:21

Get him to pay for egg freezing asap. He says he wants children eventually, so he should have no problem putting his money where his mouth in regards to this.

If there is no change in the situation in the next few months start making plans to move on.

ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2013 10:51

With every respect to Shara, please please please do not go down the egg freezing route. I agree that putting his money where his mouth is will probably bring things to a head, but egg freezing is not a cure all. It is highly experimental and only a tiny number of babies have been born worldwide as a result - I know that in 2010 there were 3. It really isn't something you want to rely on at all, especially if you are considering staying with him and freezing eggs as a back up.

Sorry, I don't mean to rant, but equally I can't bear the thought of anyone relying on this as a means of fertility preservation Sad