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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect a girlfriend medal for attending a Fox Hunt with DPs family?!

326 replies

CosyTeaBags · 27/12/2013 13:13

Yesterday I attended a Fox hunt with my DPs family.

I have been vegetarian for 25 years. I work in conservation, and feel very strongly about animal rights. I'm a country girl, so I appreciate that sometimes predator control is necessary, but I HATE the idea of it being a sport. In my experience the real sheep farmers just go out and deal with foxes, they don't get dressed up in fancy clothes and toot horns all day. I used to hear the hunt go past my house as a child, I would stand in the garden and scream at them when I heard the horns. Suffice to say, I have strong feelings about this...

I'm also a working class socialist and feel a slightly disporportionate inverse snobbery against the whole fucking tally-ho red coated brigade. It just makes my blood run cold.

I've always been aware that DPs family are into fox hunting, it's been a subject we agree to disagree on, I would never discuss it with them - I respect their feelings and that's fine. DP however, is a bigger animal lover than I am. I always assumed he felt the same way I did.

Until yesterday. DP had arranged for us to join his family to follow the hunt. We discussed it weeks ago and I said I wasn't happy with it and didn't want to go. He said that was fine, and we would make arrangements to meet them afterwards for dinner. Fast forward to Christmas eve - I asked DP what the arrangements were for Boxing day and he told me we were meeting them first thing to follow the hunt. I went ballistic - I felt that he had totally disregarded our previous conversation and had no respect whatsoever for my feelings. His solution was that I could "Just sit in the house on your own while we go out" and that would be fine...

I was now in a position of being damned if I did and damned if I didn't - I could sit at home and look like a stroppy cow, or I could suck it up and go for the sake of being a good girlfriend.

I chose to go. I thought I shouldn't judge until I've seen it for myself. Fucking hell it was hard - as the riders rode out, all 70 of them I burts into tears and had to hide myself. I'm a pretty emotional person and it just overwhelmed me. It was just so alien to me to be standing there while everyone was cheering them off to go and chase foxes...

We then followed the hunt, and to be fair they didn't actually do anything bad, they were just out for a nice ride. I get that, I really do. But I'm also mortally afraid of horses - fucking terrified of the bastard things. My dog is quite frail, and he's not as quick on his feet as he used to be. MiL grabbed him and paraded him past all the massive horses and I was terrified that he might get kicked or trampled on.

We placed ourselves right in the path of the hunt and stood by as they all thundered past us. I was friggin terrified for myself and my dog. (and I admit it, I was judging all the people as well, they're just so not my type of people). MiL and family had no idea of my real feelings, they thought I was enjoying myself.

So far, so good daughter-in-law, right?. I was proud of myself for going through that for the sake of my DP and to make his DM happy.

But he didn't acknowledge this. He said a weak "thank you for coming" on the way home, but that was all. I sat and brooded all night, then exploded with him that he ought to have been bloody grateful that I went through that for him, that I fucking cried and was terrified and not once did he ask me if I was ok. He should have apologized, told me he loved me for doing that for him, told me how grateful he was. Instead I got a half-arsed "Oh but I said thank you..." and that was all.

This morning he has said all the right things, but AIBU to expect a bit more gratitude and praise?!?!

I don't want this to be a debate about fox hunting - there are other threads for that, and I really don't care what other people do. I'm just pissed off with DP (again) for his selfish attitude and need someone to tell me if I'm right or whether I should get over myself!!!

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 27/12/2013 13:56

Should have chased those flying pigs.

razmataz · 27/12/2013 13:56

It wasn't a fox hunt, it was a drag hunt. So why the moral objection?

This all sounds very immature.

muffinino82 · 27/12/2013 13:56

It was a drag hunt, but I thought that was just an excuse for them to go out and 'accidentally' kill a few foxes along the way. I heard at least 3 gunshots during the hunt.. they weren't shooting a piece of cloth were they...?

Shooting foxes is not illegal...

SilverApples · 27/12/2013 13:56

Well, you are being admirable now, a whole avalanche of people not agreeing with you and no flouncing or wild insults being slung about by you.
Well done OP, very rational response and somewhat unique on AIBU.

Original poster

CosyTeaBags · 27/12/2013 13:57

How very peculiar. I'm wondering why you are with someone who clearly isn't compatible with your (rather flimsy) principles

Because DP is an animal lover, even more than I am bizarrely. He thinks I'm terrible for some of the conservation methods I use (which involve capturing wild animals to take measurements before releasing them) as he thinks that causes the animals to suffer.

So either he knows full well that it's just a drag hunt and no suffering was involved (in which case why hasn't he said that) OR he has very conflicting principles.

I think it's the latter - he's almost exclusively vegetarian when he's with me, but his DM clearly is not. I wonder whether he's afraid to express himself to his DM as well... Hmmmm.

OP posts:

DizzyZebra · 27/12/2013 13:57

I think stroppy and entitled might be an improvement on your current attitude given that a large part of your issue is being around 'those type' of people (who are doing nothing wrong and if they were single mothers you were talking about youd have been flamed).

5OBalesofHay · 27/12/2013 13:58

Gunshots were probably a farmer or someone out shooting. Unlikely to be connected to the hunt.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 27/12/2013 13:58

You went against your own principles, it's no one else's fault, except your own. Never do anything you don't want - to please a man, or anyone for that matter, but especially a boyfriend.
Your op is abit OTT , crying, terrified, you said as a child you hated the sound near your house, so you had some idea of what happens.
But what's more you expect gratitude.... I've given birth 5 times, my husband never "thanked me" because I made up my own mind.... As did you. He did however buy me diamonds .....!!

DizzyZebra · 27/12/2013 13:59

And most people involved in hunting, whether its drag or what, care more about animal welfare than most people, so it shouldnt be a surprise that your partner is an animal lover.

Peekingduck · 27/12/2013 14:00

WTF are "fox hunting motions"? Sorry, they were a group of riders following a pre-dragged scent across the countryside.

I'll tell you what, I find it rather unlikely that someone who supposedly has such strong anti-fox hunting principles as Op has managed to not notice that it was made illegal in 2004. I also find it hard to believe that Op's boyfriend didn't point this out to her when she got upset about the Boxing Day plans. All she was being asked to do was take part in an outdoor social event.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 27/12/2013 14:00

someone else trying to be someone they aren't.

Original poster

CosyTeaBags · 27/12/2013 14:02

Thanks Silver - I have seen many a bunfight on here, and I genuinely can accept if people think I'm being U - so I just wanted to check

Your boyfriend was a twat to go ahead and arrange it after already discussing it with you. - THIS is what this thread was really about. Yes he was a twat, and yes I asked him why he did that. he said he just didn't think about it.

And yes, I think he's selfish and presumptuous. I think his DM controls him more than I realized, and maybe it's that realization that's bothering me too...

OP posts:

MalcolmTuckersMistress · 27/12/2013 14:02

You sound like you're making a bit of a drama here. As others have said, there IS no fox hunting.

Then again if they weren't allowed going out at all any more then all the hounds would have to be destroyed because they aren't cuddly lovely pets. But perhaps that thought doesn't bother you as much as your dislike for people who ride horses?

Buzzardisnotina4birdroast · 27/12/2013 14:03

You are a 'country girl' and don't know that Boxing Day is traditionally the start of the shooting season? It is the birdies they are shooting you should be worrying about, not the piece of fox scented rag the dogs were chasing

Dressingdown1 · 27/12/2013 14:03

I don't think you attended a fox hunt, if it was in UK, presumably it was a drag hunt? If you don't like horses fair enough, just say so and don't go, or stay in the car, where's the problem?

By the way people who ride horses are not all rich stuck up toffs, they are just people.

Stinkyminkymoo · 27/12/2013 14:03

Argh!!! FFS, hunting with dogs has been banned. Why is everyone creating such a bloody drama about it all?

So you saw some people on horseback following hounds and you expect your DP to now down for all eternity. Really?
Maybe the hounds might find a grip for you?

izzydazzling · 27/12/2013 14:03

well. I'm glad the OP didn't end with '...and it was a great day and I thoroughly enjoyed myself'...but YABU...why are you going out with someone who zero respect for your beliefs and principles?

Stinkyminkymoo · 27/12/2013 14:06

And FWIW, not everyone who hunts is a rah, all sorts of people from all backgrounds hunt but I guess you wouldn't like to think about that due to your shocking inverse snobbery.

happyhev · 27/12/2013 14:06

Op I'm a bit concerned about how important it is for you to please others, it makes you quite vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Are you much younger than your boyfriend?

pigsDOfly · 27/12/2013 14:06

So instead of staying at home like a sulky child you burst into tears like a silly child and then have a tantrum like a spoilt child because he doesn't pat you on the head and tell you how wonderful and self sacrificing you are? Hmm.

Perhaps you need to grow up and take responsibility for your own decisions and stop being what you think others want you to be; especially people who take part in barbaric practices that you claim to abhor.

RandyRudolf · 27/12/2013 14:08

A far as hunting goes both your and your boyfriend's mindset are completely different on this topic. I think you were being optimistic hoping to get the reaction you expected from him.

Peekingduck · 27/12/2013 14:08

I can't work out what the principles are. Op now admits she knows that foxes weren't being hunted, so all the stuff about "predator control" in her original post doesn't make sense.
So what are the compromised principles now? Some sort of moral objection to people who speak differently to her and ride horses? Is it about being a "working class socialist"? Because if so - get a reality check - just because a person owns a horse and attends drag hunts it doesn't automatically follow that they are rich or belong to some sort of entitled ruling class. Most of the horse people I know have very normal jobs and are constantly broke.

Kundry · 27/12/2013 14:09

I think your mistake was in suppressing your own feelings to PILs. You went to see what it was like and because it was important your DP - lovely, you've achieved that.

But if you'd been a bit more honest about being scared of horses and worried about your elderly dog you might have been allowed to stay on the sidelines a bit more and it not been as scary. If MIL had ignored your feelings you would have been totally justified in letting rip about her behaviour. But as it is, she doesn't know.

Don't worry, everyone has done this to impress a partner (my version was 4 hours of atonal opera I'd faked an interest in - never again!). Unfortunately all of us learnt it doesn't work You have to be honest about who you are.

I think the other thing that you are learning is there is single thing called an animal lover. Many people at the hunt will be insistent they are animal lovers just as many anti-hunt people are. Some animal lovers are vegan, some vegetarian, some meat eaters. Some will have pets, some won't etc etc. Two people can think they have the same beliefs but when you unpick it they think something different - again, don't panic, this is normal and about you and your DP coming to understand each other better.

Next year if you say you don't want to go because it turned out you are scared of horses, no-one will bat an eye-lid.

RandyRudolf · 27/12/2013 14:09

Argh!!! FFS, hunting with dogs has been banned. Why is everyone creating such a bloody drama about it all?

Because despite the ban it is still a raw topic for many on both sides of the argument. It will always be a provocative topic.

Kundry · 27/12/2013 14:11

Oh and remember everyone regresses when they are around their parents. It isn't that you saw the 'real him' at the hunt, you just saw the teenage him who isn't able to analyse anything from his childhood.

The real him is when he is an adult, with you, away from his parents.

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