AIBU to expect a girlfriend medal for attending a Fox Hunt with DPs family?!

[CosyTeaBags]

Yesterday I attended a Fox hunt with my DPs family.

I have been vegetarian for 25 years. I work in conservation, and feel very strongly about animal rights. I'm a country girl, so I appreciate that sometimes predator control is necessary, but I HATE the idea of it being a sport. In my experience the real sheep farmers just go out and deal with foxes, they don't get dressed up in fancy clothes and toot horns all day. I used to hear the hunt go past my house as a child, I would stand in the garden and scream at them when I heard the horns. Suffice to say, I have strong feelings about this...

I'm also a working class socialist and feel a slightly disporportionate inverse snobbery against the whole fucking tally-ho red coated brigade. It just makes my blood run cold.

I've always been aware that DPs family are into fox hunting, it's been a subject we agree to disagree on, I would never discuss it with them - I respect their feelings and that's fine. DP however, is a bigger animal lover than I am. I always assumed he felt the same way I did.

Until yesterday. DP had arranged for us to join his family to follow the hunt. We discussed it weeks ago and I said I wasn't happy with it and didn't want to go. He said that was fine, and we would make arrangements to meet them afterwards for dinner. Fast forward to Christmas eve - I asked DP what the arrangements were for Boxing day and he told me we were meeting them first thing to follow the hunt. I went ballistic - I felt that he had totally disregarded our previous conversation and had no respect whatsoever for my feelings. His solution was that I could "Just sit in the house on your own while we go out" and that would be fine...

I was now in a position of being damned if I did and damned if I didn't - I could sit at home and look like a stroppy cow, or I could suck it up and go for the sake of being a good girlfriend.

I chose to go. I thought I shouldn't judge until I've seen it for myself. Fucking hell it was hard - as the riders rode out, all 70 of them I burts into tears and had to hide myself. I'm a pretty emotional person and it just overwhelmed me. It was just so alien to me to be standing there while everyone was cheering them off to go and chase foxes...

We then followed the hunt, and to be fair they didn't actually do anything bad, they were just out for a nice ride. I get that, I really do. But I'm also mortally afraid of horses - fucking terrified of the bastard things. My dog is quite frail, and he's not as quick on his feet as he used to be. MiL grabbed him and paraded him past all the massive horses and I was terrified that he might get kicked or trampled on.

We placed ourselves right in the path of the hunt and stood by as they all thundered past us. I was friggin terrified for myself and my dog. (and I admit it, I was judging all the people as well, they're just so not my type of people). MiL and family had no idea of my real feelings, they thought I was enjoying myself.

So far, so good daughter-in-law, right?. I was proud of myself for going through that for the sake of my DP and to make his DM happy.

But he didn't acknowledge this. He said a weak "thank you for coming" on the way home, but that was all. I sat and brooded all night, then exploded with him that he ought to have been bloody grateful that I went through that for him, that I fucking cried and was terrified and not once did he ask me if I was ok. He should have apologized, told me he loved me for doing that for him, told me how grateful he was. Instead I got a half-arsed "Oh but I said thank you..." and that was all.

This morning he has said all the right things, but AIBU to expect a bit more gratitude and praise?!?!

I don't want this to be a debate about fox hunting - there are other threads for that, and I really don't care what other people do. I'm just pissed off with DP (again) for his selfish attitude and need someone to tell me if I'm right or whether I should get over myself!!!

[OOAOML]

How about saying "I'm really not comfortable with going, I'll stay here and housesit, let me know when you'll be back and I'll put the kettle on, make sure the heating is on etc". Take a good book and a box of chocs, sit back and relax.

Or you could have said "I thought we were meeting up later? I've made plans for the day, see you at the time we discussed previously".

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

If it was an actual fox hunt, why didn't you call the police? Fox hunting is illegal. And if it wasn't, why are you characterising it as such, except to further demonise the tally-ho types? Otherwise, as everyone else has said, you just sound incredibly childish.

[ScarletLady02]

I'm totally anti-hunting and I would be quite happy to tell them this and not go. DH knows my views on it (he doesn't really have an opinion on it) and would support and respect my views.

[mrsjay]

cosyteabags next boxing day stay home don't go you don't need to do everything for your boyfriends sake and don't expect him to be grateful for everything you do together,

[CosyTeaBags]

There's a saying: "A person who pays an ounce of principle for a pound of popularity gets badly cheated" - Very true.

YABU and I think you're just bolting on to the hunt thread yesterday - No, I did see that thread, but as I said this isn't about debating the rights and wrongs of fox hunting. I'm not interested in reopening that debate.

If they were half-decent people then they wouldn't have had a problem with you staying at home. They would have respected your feelings - to be fair to them, I'm sure they would have done. But I guess I was afraid of how I would come across if I refused to go.

FWIW I hate inverse snobbery and I think that a lot of anti-hunt feeling is just that, rather than true concern for animal welfare - I agree and confessed to that in my OP.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

If you'd stayed behind to read a book, have a bath, get the lunch on etc you'd have sounded like an adult with principles but no desire to spoil your hosts' day.

[mrsjay]

If you are worried they think you are being snooty about their foxhunting just say you are scared of horses next year you dont want to alienate them but you dont want to come across as feeble either, we all do things to please others sometimes but you need to stick to your principles always

[MintyChops]

You should remember the following next time you worry about how you will come across, especially if standing by your principles; "What other people think of you is none of your business".

[CosyTeaBags]

Thanks for the reality check people, I knew I'd get it straight from you lot!

I thought someone might sympathise with me! But if you think I'm being childish then I can accept that.

I won't be going next year, I think I can legitimately now say that I've tried it and it wasn't for me.

I think part of my problem is that I'm trying hard to be the perfect girlfriend because DP had an Ex wife who was stroppy, entitled, and didn't get on with his family at all. I guess I'm trying to be everything she isn't.. but in the process I'm compromising my principles.

[mrsjay]

just be yourself don't try so hard with them

[PrincessFlirtyPants]

But I guess I was afraid of how I would come across if I refused to go.



If it's against your morals, you don't do it to please others regardless of how you come across. Quite simple.

[Peekingduck]

A couple of people have mentioned this already... the riders weren't hunting foxes. Fox hunting is illegal. So bearing that in mind, what principles have you actually compromised?

[MintyChops]

Don't worry about not being like the ex, just focus on being yourself.

[AnitaManeater]

If I felt that strongly about something then I wouldn't do it just to appease someone else. What you went to sounds like a drag hunt.

[CosyTeaBags]

Thanks everyone - I'll grow some balls by next Christmas. It won't be happening again.

MiL has no idea how I felt, she thinks I really enjoyed it. I'm a weakling...

[DiseasesOfTheSheep]

How very peculiar. I'm wondering why you are with someone who clearly isn't compatible with your (rather flimsy) principles, and indeed why you would expect praise for breaking your principles for no good reason (other than a rather passive aggressive manipulation of your boyfriend who should clearly forgive you for "going ballistic" because you put on a woe is me face and went along to prove how wonderful a girlfriend you are).

I have lots of time for people who hold firm to principles I don't agree with. I have none for people whose principles only stand as long as it suits them, can be contravened and whined about after the fact. You are presumably an adult - you chose to go.

[mrsjay]

I think the OP felt they were still going through the fox hunting motions and THAT was against her principles,

[Peekingduck]

CosyTeaBags - they weren't hunting foxes!

[CosyTeaBags]

A couple of people have mentioned this already... the riders weren't hunting foxes. Fox hunting is illegal. So bearing that in mind, what principles have you actually compromised?

It was a drag hunt, but I thought that was just an excuse for them to go out and 'accidentally' kill a few foxes along the way. I heard at least 3 gunshots during the hunt.. they weren't shooting a piece of cloth were they...?

[5OBalesofHay]

No hunt would go after foxes on boxing day. You went to a drag hunt, not a fox hunt. You sound like its all about class. Is this something you need to resolve in your relationship?

BTW, what happened to that threaf yesterday?

[MalibuAndMilkPleaseLibertine]

You needn't have looked sulky though, it's not unreasonable to not want to take part in something like that, it really isn't that radical to feel that way about Fox hunting.

Your boyfriend was a twat to go ahead and arrange it after already discussing it with you.
Did you ask him why he did that?

[muffinino82]

YABU to have gone if you are so against it and I say this as somebody who attended a meet mounted yesterday. I had a great day as did my horse but I would not expect a partner/relative/friend to come and support us if they felt as strongly about it as you claim to.

FYI fox hunting is now illegal and hunts follow a laid trail instead.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I don't get this trying so hard to be a perfect girlfriend. If being yourself isn't enough then they aren't the ones for you.

[mrsjay]

is it not that the dogs are not allowed to kill them anymore but a beater is allowed to shoot foxes and the whole hunt scenrio is a tradition thing ?

[DiseasesOfTheSheep]

Just on a point of information, it wasn't necessarily a drag hunt. Hunts can still take the hounds out under the current fox hunting laws, provided no foxes are killed by the hounds. Drag hunts follow a laid trail, the hunts don't.