AIBU to expect a girlfriend medal for attending a Fox Hunt with DPs family?!

[CosyTeaBags]

Yesterday I attended a Fox hunt with my DPs family.

I have been vegetarian for 25 years. I work in conservation, and feel very strongly about animal rights. I'm a country girl, so I appreciate that sometimes predator control is necessary, but I HATE the idea of it being a sport. In my experience the real sheep farmers just go out and deal with foxes, they don't get dressed up in fancy clothes and toot horns all day. I used to hear the hunt go past my house as a child, I would stand in the garden and scream at them when I heard the horns. Suffice to say, I have strong feelings about this...

I'm also a working class socialist and feel a slightly disporportionate inverse snobbery against the whole fucking tally-ho red coated brigade. It just makes my blood run cold.

I've always been aware that DPs family are into fox hunting, it's been a subject we agree to disagree on, I would never discuss it with them - I respect their feelings and that's fine. DP however, is a bigger animal lover than I am. I always assumed he felt the same way I did.

Until yesterday. DP had arranged for us to join his family to follow the hunt. We discussed it weeks ago and I said I wasn't happy with it and didn't want to go. He said that was fine, and we would make arrangements to meet them afterwards for dinner. Fast forward to Christmas eve - I asked DP what the arrangements were for Boxing day and he told me we were meeting them first thing to follow the hunt. I went ballistic - I felt that he had totally disregarded our previous conversation and had no respect whatsoever for my feelings. His solution was that I could "Just sit in the house on your own while we go out" and that would be fine...

I was now in a position of being damned if I did and damned if I didn't - I could sit at home and look like a stroppy cow, or I could suck it up and go for the sake of being a good girlfriend.

I chose to go. I thought I shouldn't judge until I've seen it for myself. Fucking hell it was hard - as the riders rode out, all 70 of them I burts into tears and had to hide myself. I'm a pretty emotional person and it just overwhelmed me. It was just so alien to me to be standing there while everyone was cheering them off to go and chase foxes...

We then followed the hunt, and to be fair they didn't actually do anything bad, they were just out for a nice ride. I get that, I really do. But I'm also mortally afraid of horses - fucking terrified of the bastard things. My dog is quite frail, and he's not as quick on his feet as he used to be. MiL grabbed him and paraded him past all the massive horses and I was terrified that he might get kicked or trampled on.

We placed ourselves right in the path of the hunt and stood by as they all thundered past us. I was friggin terrified for myself and my dog. (and I admit it, I was judging all the people as well, they're just so not my type of people). MiL and family had no idea of my real feelings, they thought I was enjoying myself.

So far, so good daughter-in-law, right?. I was proud of myself for going through that for the sake of my DP and to make his DM happy.

But he didn't acknowledge this. He said a weak "thank you for coming" on the way home, but that was all. I sat and brooded all night, then exploded with him that he ought to have been bloody grateful that I went through that for him, that I fucking cried and was terrified and not once did he ask me if I was ok. He should have apologized, told me he loved me for doing that for him, told me how grateful he was. Instead I got a half-arsed "Oh but I said thank you..." and that was all.

This morning he has said all the right things, but AIBU to expect a bit more gratitude and praise?!?!

I don't want this to be a debate about fox hunting - there are other threads for that, and I really don't care what other people do. I'm just pissed off with DP (again) for his selfish attitude and need someone to tell me if I'm right or whether I should get over myself!!!

[CosyTeaBags]

Thank you Kundry for cutting through to the real issue.

I am a bit of a doormat with DP sometimes, and then I get frustrated. I'm still learning.

[CosyTeaBags]

Oh and remember everyone regresses when they are around their parents. It isn't that you saw the 'real him' at the hunt, you just saw the teenage him who isn't able to analyse anything from his childhood and this - thank you again

[Peekingduck]

"Because despite the ban it is still a raw topic for many on both sides of the argument. It will always be a provocative topic."
But in this case we're not discussing the hunting ban, we're discussing an event at which foxes were never going to be hunted. Fair enough to discuss the raw topic of hunting a live creature with dogs - but that's got nothing to do with the event that Op has got all upset about.
Op - next time grow a pair. If you don't want to go to watch the event don't go.

[Thants]

You should be ashamed that you gave up your principles to appease some bloke. I think that's pretty sad.
Would he come protest a hunt with you?

[RandyRudolf]

peeking I'm well aware what the OP is about, I was responding to another poster's comment.

[Rachelx92]

Unless he put a gun to your head you didn't have to go. Its not like your relationship was at threat over some horses. I think you're being pathetic expecting all this praise for going. He thanked you for going what more do you want? You learnt that you don't like it and knew you wouldn't so you don't need to face it ever again

[Peekingduck]

Op, if you re-read your opening post surely you can see that you threw a lot of extra into the mix? Why did you refer to the event as a fox hunt when it wasn't by the way? Your post clearly led people who don't know better to believe that a fox was going to be hunted.
By the way, remember if you marry and actually become a daughter-in-law you marry the family as well as the man. You seem to have a real problem with the background he comes from, and he doesn't appear to be as different to them as you thought he was.

[Peekingduck]

Thants - there's not need to protest a hunt when they aren't actually hunting an animal...

[Thants]

Peeking I mean in principle would he go a 360 on his views to appease her? Or do something actually strongly doesn't believe in.

[Peekingduck]

Got to laugh - I wonder what the replies would have been if Op had titled this... AIBU to expect a girlfriend medal for attending a drag hunt with DP's family?
Take out references to foxes and pest control in the original post and it all comes over a bit differently.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Is it MN martyr day?

[haveyourselfashandy]

Yes you are a doormat,there is no way I would have gone ha.The fact that he organized it against your wishes shows he has little or no respect for you anyway.He would probably have thought about you had you stuck to your principles and not gone.

[lookatmybutt]

So you thought you'd go to impress your boyfriend, but ended up crying and cowering like a weedy little princess. I don't suppose he was very impressed which is why he didn't break out your laurel/cup/lollypop or whatever it is you expected. I imagine his mother also noticed and was just being polite to you afterwards to not make you feel uncomfortable.

Fair enough, you're afraid of horses - plenty of people are. You could've got out of it that way and there was no need to make a big production of it. I went out with a poshie for a while and he invited me to bowls but I just said 'thank you, but it's not really my thing. You go and have fun.'

As it is, you completely compromised your principles and sound incredibly milquetoast and misguided in your neverending concern for animals.

I know no vegetarian who would attend a hunt unless they were wearing a balaclava and carrying a megaphone.

You should be ashamed of yourself for abandoning your principles so readily and being generally crap about it. You wouldn't have needed to punch his mum in the face and yell 'MEAT IS MURDER'.

I bet you eat fish, too.

[scottishmummy]

No,your dp can't adequately can't thank you,it's not his rôle to.you gave in to emotional pressure
You're understandably angry and frustrated at yourself for being pressured
There's your actual issue you accomodate others despite your own feeling

You need to have a think how you politely,firmly assert yourself in future
You two have had wholly different upbringing,you were working class,he presumably affluent.now thats a chip on your shoulder you need to lose,he chose you knowing your background and beliefs.you should be equals

Don't know if you have dc yet,but have you had the big conversation about working,school (private/state), that's a biggie as you need to hear each other expectations,values,assumptions

[Joysmum]

What sort of hunt was it? I'd really fancy going on a clean boot or drag hunt myself.

[HyvaPaiva]

I admit it, I was judging all the people as well, they're just so not my type of people

You are that type of person. You chose to go to a hunt!

This thread is such melodramatic, martyrdom nonsense. You don't have the principles you shout from the rooftops. If you did, you would have been protesting there, as loud about your 'beliefs' as you are on this thread. Or you would have chosen to not go.

[EachAndEveryHighway]

Foxes still get killed by hounds round here. If the hounds get the scent of a real fox there's no stopping them. I think it's much the same as it always was, just under the guise of 'drag-hunting'. Bloodthirsty bastards.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Oh I didn't think you wanted to 'debate' the issue again. I thought you:

1. Wanted to present yourself with some kind of upper class affiliation with all the pretensions you feel exist
2. Wanted to impress on a chatboard that your 'family to be' are monied/titled/whatever
3. Wanted the traffic so threw in 'fox hunt' and put it on AIBU...

[scottishmummy]

You're a adult woman,no need to play good girlfriend role.you've imposed it on yourself
This isn't really about he's a so called twat,or dominated by his mum
It's your inability to stand up for yourself,so you blame him and his mum


sort yourself as you'll not fundamentally change him or his mum
Maybe date men whom you don't consider twats.are you two really overall compatible?
Thus isn't about him,or mumsy,it's about you

[Mishmashofstyles]

At least you will have ingratiated yourself with the in laws. I'm sure they love you after a day of "Nooooooo! That horse looked at me! Waaaah! Make it stop!" etc.

[scottishmummy]

Err,has he actually asked you to marry him?or are just you the screaming crying girlfriend?

[Dressingdown1]

You don't need to be monied or titled to go out for the day on a horse. Horse do not have to be particularly expensive to buy and keep and really they don't mind at all if Daddy isn't in the House of Lords.

I wish people would not make the whole hunting issue about class, it really interferes with sensible debate.

[HissymasJumper]

Any family that actively hunts/supports hunting knows that not everyone does.

If you politely said that you'd prefer not to go, they'd be fine with that.

You could even have said you're scared of horses.

But no. You sold yourself out. How humiliating.

You mention being daughter-in-law material, but you're not his wife, you are his gf.

Is that it, you're desperate to get him to marry you, so are compromising all your beliefs to achieve that?

You do realise that you'll lose his respect rather than gain it, don't you?

[HissymasJumper]

If i'm ever deemed to be 'being the good girlfriend' could someone please set the hounds on me?

You'd be doing me a favour.

TIA

[scottishmummy]

Why are you so beholden and in awe of him that you do things you don't want
He should have apologized, told me he loved me for doing that for him
That whole sentiment us sooo wrong.it reads as if you're such a martyr begging fir his love

Has he actually discussed marriage?prior to any marriage you two needs a big cards on table discussion,you're in no way ready to get married.and you're a big big misguided if you think so