to think that SIL should not take it upon herself to tell my son off

[olympicsrock]

Another delightful thread about in laws at Christmas time. Yesterday we went to Bil(DH brother) and SILs house. DH and his brother have not been getting on we'll recently but we went because they wanted to play happy families for pil. I need a rant....
We have DS aged just 2 , bil and sil have DC aged 21 months with 'borderline' Developmental delay, walking at 19 months, poor dexterity, no words can't or doesn't use a cup. So as not to dripfeed, around 6 months ago the extended family were concerned about this child ( trying not to out myself by being too specific) but bil and Sil were reluctant to involve health professionals. SIL and I were never great friends in the past as v different but became friends when pregnant . SIL went to a lot a trouble cooking a special meal yesterday the full on Christmas dinner but was v controlling about the plans for the family get together. It irritates me that she never suggests toddler friendly plans (previously suggesting evening meals as her DC loves staying up til 10 pm as one example and then assuming that if we drove 90 mins around lunchtime that our DC would still go for a long afternoon nap while the adults ate. He sleeps in the car if you time it roughly with nap time. So I suggested driving over after lunch spending an afternoon playing with grandparents cousins etc and an early evening meal. I got a text on Christmas day saying that due to some relatives not coming evening meal was now late lunch and could we come earlier. This was despite several emails between me both Sils and MIL making plans. We went at the time arranged previously which was just before time food was being served.

DS was very good sitting in a high chair during the long meal and then played quite nicely with their DC imo. Their was a fair amount of MINE when playing with toys, he didn't want to share toys that he was already playing with. Of course the toys belonged to their DC but DS can't differentiate between the Lego at home and a cousins. Neither child was crying or tantrumming
I was saying things like share nicely but of course he didn't like seeing something he had just done being knocked over. Sil said several times. They are not your toys they are DN' s toys. Then they were very sweet sitting at a little table having a tea party, DS giving DN cups and pieces of cake etc. Then they each had a soft ball sitting at the table. DS loves pairs of things and we play snap. He was pushing his ball to the middle of the table towards DN's ball and saying 'snap' . When DN didn't respond he leaned over further and banged his ball against theirs two or 3 times. Sil said stop that it isn't nice and when I said he's trying to play snap she said 'he had a mean look on his face' . I said nothing but took the ball away and starting playing something else. There were other minor irritations such as SOL give giving DN a biscuit and not DS. He saw and said me wan bic bic. She ignored and then he said me bic bic in my mouth and she still ignored. In the past she has made comments about how boisterous DS is and it annoys me that the differences between the two children are made out to be that DS is anything other than an average 2 year old.

You said your dn has development delay so maybe it could've all been too much for her and as her mum your sil understood this so told your son. It doesn't sound like your sil was being nasty towards your DS. I had my nephews friend round a few weeks ago and he was being quite rough so I told him a couple of times just to calm down to avoid injury to himself too. I think it's bothered you so much because you don't like your sil

If my SIL had said what yours did about a dying friend then it would have coloured my view of her for a very long time, this I agree with you on because I despise ultra religious people who spout on uninvited about other peoples sins. Even my vicar friend doesn't do that.
However I think you need to back off and have minimal contact with her because nothing will change the fact that you are both too different to like each other (and let's face it, she probably doesn't like you either).
Accept that you parent differently and move on. She didn't tell your child off, she commented on the fact that he was doing something her child didn't like. I did the same on Christmas Day when my DN did something that my Dd didn't like. My BIL spoke to my DS about something he did.
Make your own plans for next year and keep family DC's to a minimum from now on.
You will never please each other will you?

So as not to dripfeed, around 6 months ago the extended family were concerned about this child ( trying not to out myself by being too specific) but bil and Sil were reluctant to involve health professionals.

No the family were not pushing for assesment, MIL who is retired hv asked them to see GO or Hv for advice. They avoided this. The rest of us may have quietly voiced concern but said nothing to bil and sil.
Completely understand that you can't diagnose DD at 18 months but paeds were concerned.
This part is just background can't be bothered to go into it all again

It is none of MIL's business. It is none of your business. The extended family were concerned about this child ??

Sorry, but IMO you're backtracking now that you see people think YABU.

If I were SIL and the paed had said "well, he may be delayed, but it's a bit borderline, we'll just keep an eye on it" then I'd have probably come back and told the family it was borderline DD just to get you off my back. God, what hard work your family must be!! Poor SIL & BIL.

Family do's. Not DC's...

I know you shouldn't but I did I looked back to see if there was a previously posted history with you and SIL. >nods< you really did not want to go for this Christmas did you? It all started with the children-only-presents saga. Then there is the DP & BIL starting up a business together that just isnt getting off the ground.

But what I do find worrying is you have claimed to be both a doctor and a surgeon and you haven't got the foggiest clue about people and basic paediatrics, assessments and parental concerns, worries.

Just read the entire thread, and I'm sorry but I think it's definitely YOU who is BU.
She told your child "Stop, that isn't nice," So? What on earth's wrong with that?! I have two kids who can be very boisterous sometimes, and if they were being pains in the bum I would have no problem with someone telling them to stop.
As for the biscuit, is it not possible she just didn't hear your child, or understand him?
Or even if she did understand him, maybe she just assumed you didn't want to give him one seeing the reaction she got when she gave him juice?
If you just sat there silently fuming and not asking for a biscuit for him yourself, how was she supposed to know?!
She's not psychic.
As for the 'changing times for no good reason' she DID have a reason. People pulling out at last minute. Then for people just turning up when they feel like it, I don't wonder she was a bit on edge!

You have still all talked behind their backs, yet you think she should not say a word about anything?

It us for your DH to call his DB on his bad manners. You don't fall asleep when you have guests.

But then you until this point hadn't mentioned his totally out if order behaviour, just your over stressed SIL.

Pity your MIL wasn't there, to correct her son, seeming as she isn't shy of holding back her opinion.

you sound really precious about your own son tbh i have met mothers who will not have anyone else "tell off" their children when they are behaving unpleasantly, or rather I should say I have met their offspring when a bit older than yours, and trust me it was not a good experience.
(child jumping on bins spitting at passing children, shouting 'you can't tell me off you are not my mum') - just one example
nice.
and what the other child's 'developmental delay' has to do with it is beyond me.

Well thanks everlong. Think if I hadn't mentioned the possible sn angle I would have not been flamed for not liking DS being criticised for normal toddler play by a relative I.m not close to.
I agree MN is fickle.
I admit that the criticism is minor but not the first time. Splashing in a bath previously described as naughty. I guess I wouldn't mind if it weren't for other things. I know ianbu but maybe that's because of a longer backstory.

I don't expect anyone to tell my child how to behave unless he is hurting someone, damaging someone else's property, in danger or I'm not right next to him, in which case nearest adult.

I guess this is the root of the problem. You don't expect others to correct your DS when he is misbehaving, unless he's doing actual physical damage to someone or something. However, if you don't step in to correct your DS yourself when his behaviour is otherwise inappropriate, it is inevitable that others will do so for you.

The thing is, people have different levels of tolerance with regard to what is "normal" behaviour for a 2yo and what isn't. My own DSis was far more tolerant of DNephew's "boisterous" behaviour than I was. Compared to my slightly younger and naturally more placid dd, I sometimes found it quite hard to be around him when he was younger as his behaviour used to really stress me out! However, DSis and I each recognised that we had different views on what was "acceptable" behaviour, and we didn't judge each other for that - I probably "corrected" DNephew on several occasions when she didn't think it was necessary, and she sometimes ignored behaviour that I would have reprimanded. The point is, neither of us was right, we just had different approaches.

If you're not close to them then you wouldn't have known that maybe your DN didn't like what your DC was doing. You're presumably not psychic anymore than your SIL is so she was correcting the assumption that all was well when obviously it wasn't.

It has nothing to do with SN, mild, imaginary, or otherwise - but it has everything to do with your attitude and rudeness in someone elses house. You are very hard work

You started the day irritated because you weren't considered in the change of plan. That in itself is not unreasonable, but I think it made you hypersensitive for the rest of the day. Your SIL's behaviour towards your DS was not unreasonable, and I think you're overreacting.

Thanks bohemian we all want people to put all our details in one thread to make us really easily identifiable don't we. Yes there is a longer backstory around money.

You could sometimes stretch a point and be nicer to your own nephew, OP. If he is a bit delayed, it mightn't kill you to have your son behave suitably around him.

Think if I hadn't mentioned the possible sn angle I would have not been flamed for not liking DS being criticised for normal toddler play by a relative I.m not close to.

I based my answer on your description of what happened, nothing to do with the 'SN' side of what you put - I didn't even register that as it just didn't seem relevant to what you'd put.
Answers have come from your interpretation of what sounds like normal toddler play and a huge over-reaction on your part.

Then you shouldn't of accepted the invite, you have issues with her, agree that you cannot mix, but on the day you are talking about, she did nothing wrong.

Stop trying to play happy families, you aren't and probably will never be.

I know ianbu but maybe that's because of a longer backstory

Oh FFS. Then what was the point of posting this whole debacle?

Post something. People disagree. "Oh but I know IANBU."

I can't see anywhere that SIL knew you had plans for earlier in the day. If she did then at least you knew what time you were expected at her place to eat, albeit without very much notice. Did you let her know what time you would be arriving?

It just sounds, sadly, that you don't like her. If you 'know YANBU' then why bother posting, other than to bitch about her?

Do you correct your DN's behaviour?

I have read all of your posts, but only some of the replies.

I think your SIL was being ridiculous, your DC are of a similar age and both only very small - you don't tell children that age that they aren't their toys (you determine who had something first and encourage sharing), you don't give one a biscuit and not the other... you don't 'tell them off' for playing with soft balls... it's all madness and doesn't make for a pleasant time for anyone.

Just thank god you don't have to see them very often and try to let it go.

Bohemian

I know ianbu but maybe that's because of a longer backstory. Oh FFS. Then what was the point of posting this whole debacle? Post something. People disagree. "Oh but I know IANBU."

This^^

Good god apple juice, neat, in a bottle. Call the police now!

Next it'll be fruit shoots and Greggs sausage rolls. Whatever was she thinking?