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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that SIL should not take it upon herself to tell my son off

282 replies

olympicsrock · 27/12/2013 06:11

Another delightful thread about in laws at Christmas time. Yesterday we went to Bil(DH brother) and SILs house. DH and his brother have not been getting on we'll recently but we went because they wanted to play happy families for pil. I need a rant....
We have DS aged just 2 , bil and sil have DC aged 21 months with 'borderline' Developmental delay, walking at 19 months, poor dexterity, no words can't or doesn't use a cup. So as not to dripfeed, around 6 months ago the extended family were concerned about this child ( trying not to out myself by being too specific) but bil and Sil were reluctant to involve health professionals. SIL and I were never great friends in the past as v different but became friends when pregnant . SIL went to a lot a trouble cooking a special meal yesterday the full on Christmas dinner but was v controlling about the plans for the family get together. It irritates me that she never suggests toddler friendly plans (previously suggesting evening meals as her DC loves staying up til 10 pm as one example and then assuming that if we drove 90 mins around lunchtime that our DC would still go for a long afternoon nap while the adults ate. He sleeps in the car if you time it roughly with nap time. So I suggested driving over after lunch spending an afternoon playing with grandparents cousins etc and an early evening meal. I got a text on Christmas day saying that due to some relatives not coming evening meal was now late lunch and could we come earlier. This was despite several emails between me both Sils and MIL making plans. We went at the time arranged previously which was just before time food was being served.

DS was very good sitting in a high chair during the long meal and then played quite nicely with their DC imo. Their was a fair amount of MINE when playing with toys, he didn't want to share toys that he was already playing with. Of course the toys belonged to their DC but DS can't differentiate between the Lego at home and a cousins. Neither child was crying or tantrumming
I was saying things like share nicely but of course he didn't like seeing something he had just done being knocked over. Sil said several times. They are not your toys they are DN' s toys. Then they were very sweet sitting at a little table having a tea party, DS giving DN cups and pieces of cake etc. Then they each had a soft ball sitting at the table. DS loves pairs of things and we play snap. He was pushing his ball to the middle of the table towards DN's ball and saying 'snap' . When DN didn't respond he leaned over further and banged his ball against theirs two or 3 times. Sil said stop that it isn't nice and when I said he's trying to play snap she said 'he had a mean look on his face' . I said nothing but took the ball away and starting playing something else. There were other minor irritations such as SOL give giving DN a biscuit and not DS. He saw and said me wan bic bic. She ignored and then he said me bic bic in my mouth and she still ignored. In the past she has made comments about how boisterous DS is and it annoys me that the differences between the two children are made out to be that DS is anything other than an average 2 year old.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/12/2013 10:36

"I don't expect anyone to tell my child how to behave"

It sounds as though your SIL has had to hear what her DD should be doing, at what age.

Developmental Delay isn't strictly speaking SN, it can right itself. Intervention, unless it involves severe speech delay isn't offered at this age and isn't needed.

Boarder line DD means nothing, tbh, toddlers vary.

Tbh, if you had of compared your DS to my middle DD, he would seem "delayed" she could if asked for a biscuit in a complete sentence at his age.

I agree that you don't like her, it looks as though she has had a rough time in the family, yet she cooks and hosts for you all.

Stop looking for something that isn't there. You have all judged her in the past, she may have called your child boisterous, why shouldn't she if you are judging and talking about her, as though you all know best.

The child didn't need an assessment at that age, just a hearing test.

I speak as a parent of two children with SN, one with moderate DD (which at 16 has righted itself) and Moderate LD's.

theladyrainy · 27/12/2013 10:36

Where was SIL sat? Was she serving dinner while all this was going on?

MPB · 27/12/2013 10:38

OP did you have to cancel your other arrangement though?

Birdsgottafly · 27/12/2013 10:39

Her plans to cook earlier were as dh' s sister cancelled and it suited sil better. No real reason was given. Why should we have to cancel our other invitation THAT would be rude surely."

No, you were asked to come earlier because SIL had been messed around with her plans, by a Guest cancelling.

She just asked, what is the problem with that? Did she make a fuss, or were you served a nice dinner?

Don't go, next time, she is under to much pressure to be perfect and no one is, not even you.

Original poster
olympicsrock · 27/12/2013 10:42

Mrs Jay yes it was parallel play. Nothing wrong with that. Sil didn't get that.
How many just 2 year olds are good at sharing?

No the banging of a soft ball was not right in her face but I guess you had to be there.

OP posts:
MPB · 27/12/2013 10:45

Answer the question. Did the change in time affect your other plans?

Upcycled · 27/12/2013 10:46

Where is SiL from?

Original poster
olympicsrock · 27/12/2013 10:49

She hasn't had a rough time in the family. -one ever speaks their mind anyway. We weren't asked we were told to change plans and no we did not really change plans just stayed at the drinks party for a shorter time.

OP posts:
SomethingkindaOod · 27/12/2013 10:50

I'm confused now, DN has been assessed and diagnosed by a HCP?

mrsjay · 27/12/2013 10:50

I dont really know what else to say YABU you are bot protective of your children nobody did anything wrong she told your little boy off it happens in families ime

AwfulMaureen · 27/12/2013 10:50

You need to be FAR more sensitive. Your DS can play snap...her DS does not register that at the moment...why don't you help them play more proactively?

My friend has a son with ASD and language delay....he isn't the greatest playmate for my younger DD in some ways as he can't converse or unsderstand rules or even body language....so I've tried to think of things they CAN do together...to help both him and my DD....he gets good interaction and she learns that not all children are the same and enjoys it when he does respond....

Original poster
olympicsrock · 27/12/2013 10:58

Can.t say where she'sfrom don't want to out myself
Birds yes I know that many toddlers speak better than my son. He didn't meet the 50 words at 2 milestone they are all different but there are outliers in every normal distribution. Fingers crossed that DN is fine .
Borderline developmental delay means that development is right on the edge of normal . It is across gross movement, fine movement verbal and social interaction.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/12/2013 10:59

"So as not to dripfeed, around 6 months ago the extended family were concerned about this child ( trying not to out myself by being too specific) but bil and Sil were reluctant to involve health professionals. "

You were all pushing for an 18 month d to be assessed? And you think that she hasn't had a rough time?

HP's didn't need "involving" your BIl and SIL were right, you all had no business getting involved, yet.

As said "Border-line DD" means nothing at this age.

You seem completely unaware and looking for issues that don't exist.

You didn't change your plans, you all had a good day at two different houses being catered for and your still bitching about a non event.

What does it take to please you?

SomethingkindaOod · 27/12/2013 11:01

Has the child been officially diagnosed?

mrsjay · 27/12/2013 11:03

my youngest daughter has a developmental delay like Birds child it is correcting its self the delay wasn't diagnosed at a year at a half that you are expecting op, unless a child is showing signs of severe DD then the parents need to wait, motor skills can take time to develop

insancerre · 27/12/2013 11:04

borderline developmental delay is right on the edge of normal?

so that will be normal development then?

JemR234 · 27/12/2013 11:05

On the biscuit thing, is it possible SIL couldn't understand your DS? At that age what seems very clear to you because you know his speech well might not be clear at all to someone else.

As for the rest of it, I don't think SIL did anything wrong, I think you feel a bit judged over your DS's behaviour but there's no need to. Even the best behaved 2 year old needs help to learn to play with others.

Birdsgottafly · 27/12/2013 11:07

"Borderline developmental delay means that development is right on the edge of normal . It is across gross movement, fine movement verbal and social interaction."

I know what DD means, as said my DD had DD.

But borderline in a child so young is meaningless unless accompanied by other issues and rarely investigated. There isn't any intervention offered, so you were all out if order for getting involved and expressing an opinion, towards a child so young. It can be global or specific, but boarder line sounds like "we don't know yet" tbh, which Doctors sometimes don't because children do vary.

I am in Liverpool, so have AlderHey involved I. My DD's planning. I am surprised that they went beyond hearing tests to be giving this diagnosis.

Let's not confuse a child being slightly behind with more serious issues, iyswim.

What does "hope she will be fine mean"?

My DD had DD and was fine, DD can right itself.

Why did you all have the right to get involved with her baby, yet she cannot open her mouth?

Birdsgottafly · 27/12/2013 11:11

"Borderline developmental delay means that development is right on the edge of normal . "

So has your SIL had an apology from everyone insisting that this child was assessed, which is intrusive and was unneeded?

Children develop differently and you cannot tell what sort of adults they will be or what sort of lives they will lead.

Agree that there isn't a good relationship between you and mix only when you have to. As the children grow your MIL or DH's can organise things.

everlong · 27/12/2013 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carrotcakeandwine · 27/12/2013 11:15

I actually feel sorry for the SIL. Pushed by the family to get her child assessed. Then being critiqued on her parenting, both before and after assessment. She tries to put together a nice family dinner and people are making demands about time schedules, cancelling at the last minute, and being passive aggressive showing up whenever they please.

If I were her, I wouldn't be hosting any family dinners for a long long time.

Inkspellme · 27/12/2013 11:17

so the child is "right on the edge of normal" development. What I pick up from that is that the child really isn't that delayed.

The purpose of bringing a toy is to show your child sharing.

TBH if you were my sil I would have minimum contact. You're just too much hard work.

carrotcakeandwine · 27/12/2013 11:18

Why did you all have the right to get involved with her baby, yet she cannot open her mouth?

And a big yes to this. You get all upset because she tells your child to stop some behaviour, but you feel that it's your right to push her to have her child assessed against her wishes?

Unbelievable.

Original poster
olympicsrock · 27/12/2013 11:18

No the family were not pushing for assesment, MIL who is retired hv asked them to see GO or Hv for advice. They avoided this. The rest of us may have quietly voiced concern but said nothing to bil and sil.
Completely understand that you can't diagnose DD at 18 months but paeds were concerned.
This part is just background can't be bothered to go into it all again.

No birds we didn't have a nice day apart from the very jolly drinks party Felt sil was passive aggressive, bil was actually snoring by 5 30, we sat in traffic for 3 hours. The food was very pleasant I agree but the conversation about football and weather was dull and I started the day irritated that we were not considered in a last minute change of plan

OP posts:
BoundandRebound · 27/12/2013 11:19

You are in my opinion extremely out of order

Nothing bad happened

You seem to have no empathy for your SIL and were an ungracious guest

Nothing you've said about kid interaction or SIL response seems inappropriate - apart from the biscuit thing

Cut the woman some slack - she spent a lot of money, time, effort to provide you with a lovely day and you don't seem very nice in response