to think that SIL should not take it upon herself to tell my son off

[olympicsrock]

Another delightful thread about in laws at Christmas time. Yesterday we went to Bil(DH brother) and SILs house. DH and his brother have not been getting on we'll recently but we went because they wanted to play happy families for pil. I need a rant....
We have DS aged just 2 , bil and sil have DC aged 21 months with 'borderline' Developmental delay, walking at 19 months, poor dexterity, no words can't or doesn't use a cup. So as not to dripfeed, around 6 months ago the extended family were concerned about this child ( trying not to out myself by being too specific) but bil and Sil were reluctant to involve health professionals. SIL and I were never great friends in the past as v different but became friends when pregnant . SIL went to a lot a trouble cooking a special meal yesterday the full on Christmas dinner but was v controlling about the plans for the family get together. It irritates me that she never suggests toddler friendly plans (previously suggesting evening meals as her DC loves staying up til 10 pm as one example and then assuming that if we drove 90 mins around lunchtime that our DC would still go for a long afternoon nap while the adults ate. He sleeps in the car if you time it roughly with nap time. So I suggested driving over after lunch spending an afternoon playing with grandparents cousins etc and an early evening meal. I got a text on Christmas day saying that due to some relatives not coming evening meal was now late lunch and could we come earlier. This was despite several emails between me both Sils and MIL making plans. We went at the time arranged previously which was just before time food was being served.

DS was very good sitting in a high chair during the long meal and then played quite nicely with their DC imo. Their was a fair amount of MINE when playing with toys, he didn't want to share toys that he was already playing with. Of course the toys belonged to their DC but DS can't differentiate between the Lego at home and a cousins. Neither child was crying or tantrumming
I was saying things like share nicely but of course he didn't like seeing something he had just done being knocked over. Sil said several times. They are not your toys they are DN' s toys. Then they were very sweet sitting at a little table having a tea party, DS giving DN cups and pieces of cake etc. Then they each had a soft ball sitting at the table. DS loves pairs of things and we play snap. He was pushing his ball to the middle of the table towards DN's ball and saying 'snap' . When DN didn't respond he leaned over further and banged his ball against theirs two or 3 times. Sil said stop that it isn't nice and when I said he's trying to play snap she said 'he had a mean look on his face' . I said nothing but took the ball away and starting playing something else. There were other minor irritations such as SOL give giving DN a biscuit and not DS. He saw and said me wan bic bic. She ignored and then he said me bic bic in my mouth and she still ignored. In the past she has made comments about how boisterous DS is and it annoys me that the differences between the two children are made out to be that DS is anything other than an average 2 year old.

From the OP SIL and I were never great friends in the past as v different but became friends when pregnant

Why don't you like her? I'm trying to work out whether its a difference in age or culture. Are you older than her? Possibly "better educated" ?

And yes perhaps she saw my silent raised eyebrow when she gave DN neat Apple juice in a bottle aged 9 months. But she knows I.m less pfb now.

I would venture to say that you are still pretty PFB.

yabu That is how toddlers "play" . If either you or your sil don't like it you can step in but if you don't/won't then you can't blame her for doing so. You have to accept that him playing with a younger and possibly mild SN child is different to how he can play with his peers or older, but he doesn't know that yet so you have to intervene. Agree with others it sounds like your personal differences are colouring your perception.

You are going to be one of those parents that never see anything wrong in your own child's behaviour while picking apart and criticising other children and their parents, aren't you? Plenty of you around.

If your child age 10 is accused of being mean and a bully will you instantly protect your child and rubbish the accusations?

If your child age 15 is seen drunk in town will you instantly refuse to believe it and call others liars?

Being a parent is not just about being a PFb mother hen, but trying to see your child's behaviour objectively and
not purse your lips at another mum giving guidance.

Could you have asked for a biscuit?

Don't forget that at that age children 'parallel play' mostly rather than interact, the fact that they were both sitting playing tea parties like that is actually pretty good for both of their ages. I've seen plenty of toddlers who would rather try and stick the teapot up their nose rather than pour cups of tea for each other.

tbh they sound like normal toddlers doing normal things your sil saw something that might annoy your toddler and asked him to stop why is the things your son does fine and the things the other toddler not, oh and there is no such thing as borderline devlopmental delay I am not sure why you put that it it has no relevance to your story .

I would love to hear SIL's account of what happened!

OP, we don't know the full story, but from the information you have posted here, yabu. Sorry.

annoy her toddler*

Sil is slightly older from another culture and into sport and religion in a big way not much in common. When my close friend was literally on on her death bed with cancer , bil and sil came for dinner. I was too tired and upset to drive and waited til morning. Dh didn't want to cancel. Sil said that she was praying for my friend to repent for her sins ie only going to church 3 times a year. She added that I did realise that she would not be going to heaven.
As a result we were not close until shared pregnancy brought us together. I do realise that toddler play dates must be difficult and despite what you lot think tried to be kind and sensitive regarding any DD that DN has.

I may have judgy pants regarding Apple juice in bottles and giving small babies pillows but actually I know that there are bigger issues and backed awAy to let them do things their way even though I find their parenting frustrating.

I don't comment on DN behaviour other than saying what a lovely child, funny sweet etc why is it ok for DS to be branded overly boisterous noisy
Mean ?

Actually I know it's just her way of normalizing DC when she must be worried.

Just needed to vent...

I don't think the OP wants to hear that her DN is a normal toddler... I'm petty certain that she posted thinking she would get a page or so of 'of course your DN has SN, your SIL a cow and needs to get her child assessed ASAP..

Of course the borderline DD is relevant it explains why sil is very protective and why I should be tolerant.

the little girl sounds 2 as does your son she is protective of her child as you are of yours ,

You find their parenting frustrating. They probably feel the same about yours.

There is clearly a back story here, and you may have good reason to dislike your SIL. However, you are allowing this dislike to colour your perception of what sounds like a perfectly innocent interaction with your DS on Christmas Day. This is why people are saying yabu.

If you don't understand why you are getting abit flamed here, try reading your op as though it was posted by someone else and you don't know anything else about the situation..

'Normalizing' her dc?

There we have it....

what's 'borderline developmental delay'?
A child is either developmentally delayed or isn't.
Normal development is such a wide range anyway that the behaviours you describe in your op, can be considered within the normal range.

So now it's drip-feeding over religious differences to make SIL seem more irrational?

YABU. You said yourself you had to remind your child to share a number of times. So she told him to stop something. So what? Seriously? THIS is a huge deal to you?

Maybe it's not "just her way of normalising DC when she must be worried." Maybe your child was getting a bit boisterous and in her child's face and she just asked him to stop.

I think you refusing to alter the time for the visit slightly, even though she explained it was due to other people (who obviously were being just as unreasonable as you) who cancelled or changed their plans, was far more unreasonable and rude than anything SIL did (based on what you've said).

As for the biscuit thing, if she didn't give your DC one, why didn't you just intervene at that point and ask for her to give one to your DC, rather than being the martyr over it and leaving your child to keep asking? A bit childish of you, isn't it?

People on here are so flaming sensitive the minute sn are mentioned .I put it in to be fair and balanced but actually if my child should share so should sil . DN has been assessed so no that isn't what I wanted to hear.
I don't expect anyone to tell my child how to behave unless he is hurting someone, damaging someone else's property, in danger or I'm not right next to him, in which case nearest adult.
I would like to hear sil' s view of yesterday but of course have to keep the peace.

oh BTW 2 year olds dont know how to share they cant grasp the concept , somebody said about parallel play this is what was happening your neice didnt get what your son wanted to do because children that young don't really get it,

OP maybe she or someone else had good reason to change plans. You shouldn't have gone if it was inconvenient to you. You managed didn't you, so it was obviously not such a big deal. Just get over it and stop being mardy.

Sounds like you've gone with the face on and been determined to find fault. Would love your SIL's version of events.

Also there are massive differences in children's development rates. Don't be so quick to write off your DN.

See, I disagree with you. I do expect other people to tell my children off if they were misbehaving. Especially family members.

I get that you wanted to vent but, as a general point, don't post in AIBU unless you are ready to except it when people say, unanimously, yes!

Again, I ask you to consider that, from an outside, calmer perspective, you have over reacted

I don't expect anyone to tell my child how to behave unless he is hurting someone, damaging someone else's property, in danger or I'm not right next to him, in which case nearest adult.

Whereas I would correct any child who wasn't displaying appropriate behaviour in my house regardless of whether the parent was there condoning it or had their attention diverted elsewhere.

It takes a village to raise a child etc etc - thats where society boundaries come into play not just the parental indulgence tolerances.

what's 'borderline developmental delay'? A child is either developmentally delayed or isn't. I thoroughly agree with that comment.

I don't expect anyone to tell my child how to behave unless he is hurting someone, damaging someone else's property, in danger or I'm not right next to him, in which case nearest adult.

And there we have it. Your nose is out of joint because she dared to tell your child to stop doing something.

I imagine in a few years you're going to be posting about the dreadful teachers in school that expect your child to behave in class.

If your child was banging on something right in front of another child, and you just sat there not telling him to stop, I think quite a few parents would then step in and tell your child to stop.

Carrot not drip feeding I was asked why I don't like her.

Her plans to cook earlier were as dh' s sister cancelled and it suited sil better. No real reason was given. Why should we have to cancel our other invitation THAT would be rude surely.