to think that SIL should not take it upon herself to tell my son off

[olympicsrock]

Another delightful thread about in laws at Christmas time. Yesterday we went to Bil(DH brother) and SILs house. DH and his brother have not been getting on we'll recently but we went because they wanted to play happy families for pil. I need a rant....
We have DS aged just 2 , bil and sil have DC aged 21 months with 'borderline' Developmental delay, walking at 19 months, poor dexterity, no words can't or doesn't use a cup. So as not to dripfeed, around 6 months ago the extended family were concerned about this child ( trying not to out myself by being too specific) but bil and Sil were reluctant to involve health professionals. SIL and I were never great friends in the past as v different but became friends when pregnant . SIL went to a lot a trouble cooking a special meal yesterday the full on Christmas dinner but was v controlling about the plans for the family get together. It irritates me that she never suggests toddler friendly plans (previously suggesting evening meals as her DC loves staying up til 10 pm as one example and then assuming that if we drove 90 mins around lunchtime that our DC would still go for a long afternoon nap while the adults ate. He sleeps in the car if you time it roughly with nap time. So I suggested driving over after lunch spending an afternoon playing with grandparents cousins etc and an early evening meal. I got a text on Christmas day saying that due to some relatives not coming evening meal was now late lunch and could we come earlier. This was despite several emails between me both Sils and MIL making plans. We went at the time arranged previously which was just before time food was being served.

DS was very good sitting in a high chair during the long meal and then played quite nicely with their DC imo. Their was a fair amount of MINE when playing with toys, he didn't want to share toys that he was already playing with. Of course the toys belonged to their DC but DS can't differentiate between the Lego at home and a cousins. Neither child was crying or tantrumming
I was saying things like share nicely but of course he didn't like seeing something he had just done being knocked over. Sil said several times. They are not your toys they are DN' s toys. Then they were very sweet sitting at a little table having a tea party, DS giving DN cups and pieces of cake etc. Then they each had a soft ball sitting at the table. DS loves pairs of things and we play snap. He was pushing his ball to the middle of the table towards DN's ball and saying 'snap' . When DN didn't respond he leaned over further and banged his ball against theirs two or 3 times. Sil said stop that it isn't nice and when I said he's trying to play snap she said 'he had a mean look on his face' . I said nothing but took the ball away and starting playing something else. There were other minor irritations such as SOL give giving DN a biscuit and not DS. He saw and said me wan bic bic. She ignored and then he said me bic bic in my mouth and she still ignored. In the past she has made comments about how boisterous DS is and it annoys me that the differences between the two children are made out to be that DS is anything other than an average 2 year old.

God you sound like hard work.

If you accept an invitation to someone's home for food, you really need to accept the timeframe they've stipulated; not yours. Or don't accept the invite.

I don't doubt your SIL compares your children, we know we're not supposed to but it's only natural and unfortunately differences are especially obvious between your children.

It doesn't matter all that much why your SIL offered her child a biscuit and not yours; the fact remains you could easily have said to your DC "oh, you want a biscuit too, do you? Shall we ask Aunty SIL if you can have one too?". I'm sure you'd have got one. It's healthier to not look into it too hard because there are so many reasons it could have happened, you can't possible second-guess with 100% accuracy.

And finally, it's really difficult to gauge the telling-off because all parents have slightly different standards, and I'd say if you think the correction was unfair you could have reinforced to your DC "everyone plays differently and SIL doesn't want you to bash/snatch DN's toys" and then sweetly to SIL: "they don't know at this age, do they, bless em"
or something like that. Point is, less stress all round and more peace.

Tbh why didn't you say no? If the timings didn't fit or you didn't think it was doable then you could have just declined. Surely you can see that Xmas dinner takes a lot more organizations and if people were pissing her about last minute then of course she's going to be stressed.

The interaction, well that wouldn't even have registered with me in all honesty. You make it sound like your Ds can do no wrong. As for the DN , well if course your sister is going to be wary. She can't stand up for herself, or verbalise what is the matter and she won't be able to keep hold of things , spare a thought four your DB and SIL who have possible had months of kids taking toys of their dd and constantly having to supervise when other kids are just getting I the age where they can be left to wander around the house without mummy being their shadow.

As for the biscuit, well it's a bit mean but I understand my toddler I can't for the life of me understand anyone else's.

Maybe she thought you wouldn't let him have one or she didn't understand what he's saying. Easily rectified by asking for one for him.

It could be that she just didn't hear him as she was thinking about what she had to do next and had "zoned out"

I agree with shabbirgurl but I can see where you're coming from if you feel upset/ defensive about ppl criticising your DS.

And I'm not sure why your getting frowned upon for mentioning the "boarder line developmental delay" it's a common description of an assessment.

Unless you noticed the child wasn't reading independently at 18 months and dragged him off to the paediatrician yourself. No? Thought not.

Maybe try to build some bridges with your DSisIL. It might be nice for both of you to have each other and for the cousins to mix.
Good luck.

Sorry no offensive but this is petty.
I am from a large family and if the adults got "upset" each time somebody said something to a child that wasn't theirs we wouldn't speak at all. All the children are loved and at times are irritating. Don't give it a second thought, other than the bic bic she should have offered your child one if her was eating one IMO.

I agree with everyone. You are looking for reasons to be upset with a person you don't like.

Stop going to her house. Or, better yet, keep on top of your son more. I'd be pretty annoyed if a child kept pushing his ball into my son.

But yes, it might have been good to just give your ds the biscuit yourself.

It reads to me like you and DSisil. were both trying to control the timings tbh. But you were considering your DS's needs (understandable) and she had to consider the needs of her own family/ kitchen chores/ visitors. So I think her need to control trumps yours. Sorry.

Yes agree with Amanda. Try build some bridges if possible. Depends, I know this isn't as necessarily easily.

Ive not read the other replies but my ds (3) and my sil (3) fight like cat and fucking dog
Most of the time it's the other child who goes for ds. If ds is playing and starts speaking he goes for him. Je hates ds voice and will randomly go up and punch him or kick him.
His mum says fuck all so I say 'thats not nice to hit ' or 'stop it he did nothing' he will then turn around and either laugh or scream so fucking annoying.

Yes my ds does start sometimes and he does get told off.

Not much help sorry

OP it annoys you that the differences between the two make your DC out to be anything but a normal 2 year old?
Well how the hell do you think your SIL feels?

Boisterous behaviour is par for the course sometimes, but doesn't mean to say it should go unchallenged. My first was quite placid and might have need sticking up for in a similar situation with an older, 'more advanced' and more outgoing child.

Oh and the host dictates the meal time, to suit them usually.

I have a SIL who is determined to see development delay/ASD/whatever she feels like this week in my DD1. She's fine, there's nothing wrong with her apart from the fact that my DN is a little bully and my SIL thinks she's an expert on child development...
I think you need to put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if the extended family were taking potshots at your child's development. Would you feel defensive? I do and let me tell you that if you dislike her then her stomach probably sinks when she sees you. Sorry, I know that's rude but you really need to back off. And control your child, he was not playing nicely, all your DN could see was another child playing with their toys and not sharing. You should have stepped in with more than a simple 'share nicely', there are ways and means of controlling the play even at that age. She didn't tell him off either really did she? It was a comment that may well have been true.
YABU.

Wow, you realy don't like your sister in law do you?

I really can't see that she did anything wrong. To be honest you sound like quite a high maintenance guest in her house.

Sorry. You did ask.

Yeah, I think the snap thing was her protecting her child because she felt he wouldn't get the game and was worried he would be upset. Not a telling off really.

The biscuit thing is upsetting but not everyone understands our DC's language and to be honest, it's not nearly as unpleasant looking as not coming earlier when you have been asked to because plans have had to change! That was really unfair of you and must have caused a lot of stress for her.

With the greatest respect, I think you do need to look at your own feelings here and try to step back. If you are going to get this wound up over frankly small things then I also wonder why you go.

I wouldn't give someone else's child a biscuit either.

So you ignore her request on timings and show up when you want, which is handily just as food is being served? This is rude, your SIL would have been fretting that you weren't going to arrive at all.
As for "telling off your child", it sounds very mild indeed.

In my in laws family everything is discussed and planned in advance. My family are chilled. This was agreed in October as a day to work for everyone. Who wants grumpy toddlers? Naps are flexible within 2 hours...she decided unilaterally to change early dinner to late lunch the night before for no good reason. We had already accepted an invitation for lunchtime drinks party and did not want to cancel on the day We did still arrive before she wanted to serve food and said how lovely it all was offered to help took wine etc
She was a bit of a martyr refused offers to help despite us offering to bring a course as is usual in this family. Texted to say it was Christmas dinner at 2pm that day.

To be clear DS was playing quietly and DN took the toy away not the other way round. It belonged to DN. I told them to share and got DN to join in. Normal imo. How many people think that banging two soft balls is aggressive or mean? I was the nearest adult.

Perhaps she didn't understand DS about the biscuit as DN doesn't ask for things but it was quite clear. I don't help myself to some one else's cupboard. And yes perhaps she saw my silent raised eyebrow when she gave DN neat Apple juice in a bottle aged 9 months. But she knows I.m less pfb now.

I know this baby is marginal with lots of Crap to explain my irritation around the day but surprised to be flamed. By the way I hosted boxing day the last 2 years and sister in law hosted both family meals this year. We declined a late evening meal last time.

You have years of your children coming together ahead of you. IMO you need to lighten up and stop being so sensitive. From what I could see your sil made a couple of mild comments and failed to give him a biscuit. She may as another poster has said simply zoned out and not realised your child was asking her for one. Toddlers speech is usually clear as day to their immediate family whilst at the same time sounding like just babble to others. thats normal.

As regards the delay - not walking yet - he sounds like he is getting there but you should have supervised your ds play far better than you did."play nicely" is rubbish. Show him how to play nicely. sit and share the lego and make sure your sil sees you offer some toys to her ds. She needs the reassurance that you won't let your son overwhelm hers. hers is far more vunerable.

I couldn't help but wonder why you didn't bring any of your ds toys with you. stuff you know he sees as his (doesn't have to be new christmas stuff). you could have made your ds share it. at worst he could have played with it himself.

As regards the time of the dinner - it seems it was to suit your ds regardless of who else was invited or how it affected your sil plans. This would annoy me. your son is a toddler not a newborn. If someone had been kind enough to invite me to christmas dinner I hope I would not be rude enough to tell them what time to have it at.

You sound like very hard work and way too sensitive about your ds. I agree with the poster who said your sil prob sat and cried after you had gone.

Your SIL was trying to give the family a nice time.
She was trying to help her DS enjoy playing with his more advanced cousin.
It sounds from your posts that you are determined to see fault in her.

'She was a bit of a Martyr'

Again criticising the poor woman. Can she do anything right?

Your family are chilled ... But you clearly aren't!

It's not being a martyr, it's not wanting spoonyfuckers in her kitchen I'm the same and may have growled at DH when he came in to 'help' with the Christmas dinner...
Soft balls aren't aggressive in themselves but small children don't know their own strength and her DC could well have been frightened by it being bounced in his face, I know I don't like things getting right into my face, it's just a 'thing' I have about it, personal space and all that.
I think she feels judged by you about everything, and it will colour her behaviour around you. If she had offered your DS a biscuit would you have raised an eyebrow? Answer that honestly considering your comment about the apple juice...
Like I said before I have a SIL the same, everything is questioned, eyebrows are raised, 'concerns' are also raised if they don't exactly conform to the guidelines. It hurts. Don't you see that? Your DN is still very young and there can be a big difference in 21 months and 2 years. My DS didn't walk until he was nearly 18 months. He's now a hulking great teenager who is hoping for a county cricket trial next year.
Frankly btw, your IL's are daft to plan everything to that extent that far in advance, plans with young children have to be fluid.

Blimey she hardly told your DS off. Yesterday it was a free for all at my DPs house. I told off my niece for hitting and for snatching a toy from her cousin (developmental delay is five but developmentally two) and so did DH for kicking. My sister told off my DS1 for getting over excited and tearing around like a loony and my dad told off everyone.

It's family, you need to chill.

Ink actually I did exactly that giving them each Lego blocks and saying your turn etc. Was supervising v closely .
Couldn't see the point taking Lego and puzzles to a house when there are plenty there already.
I wouldn't have minded lunch or late lunch only objected to 8pm during the original plans just don't see why plans should be changed at short notice for no good reason. She didn't ask if we had other arrangements.

I can't really see what exactly your SIL has done wrong, OK I'd be annoyed if my child didn't getb offered a biscuit when the other child had one, but other than that I'm not really getting it.