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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how to deal with PIL situations

111 replies

Feckadeck · 26/12/2013 08:53

Go gently as genuinely just want to know how to curb my hurt....DD is 2.5 months old. DH called his dad when she was born and since then we'd heard nothing from him...no call, no congrats card, no gift, no Skype, etc, etc. nowt. I send him an Xmas card to "dad/grandad" as I normally send cards nothing back from him. MIL spending Xmas with us and brought two nice cards from FIL (they divorced but friendly). I was very pleased to receive them especially as one said granddaughter so he'd went to bit of effort there which was nice. However, he's written grandpa on it! Ii know I can't control what he calls himself but I am so upset he is using that name. Grandpa is MY dad (who sees dd lots on Skype and loves her to bits and shows genuine interest in her) . WIBU to have DH ask his dad to start using name grandad?!

Second issue is mil. She here for Xmas for almost a month. I want her to spend time with dd of course but she is so pushy about things and keeps saying she will take her out on own and we can go out for dinner etc etc whilst she babysits. I am ebf and like being around my dd. No issue with mil entertaining her whilst I get chores done but how do I say nicely that the rest won't be happening? My own parents didn't take her out on own when they were visiting so it's not just because she's the mil. My own did a lot (well all!) the housework, cooking, etc so I could spend time with dd. Not expecting same from mil though help would be nice since we brought them here and they staying cost free for a month! How can I make it clear dd won't be going out alone with them? I am considering letting them babysit for couple of hours one evening towards second half of their trip when they know dd ways a bit better as mil would like that but it's too soon right now. She's quite demanding of the pram too. Out yesterday for short walk and were getting dd settled into pram. She was bit cryie as tired so wanted to try to comfort her to get her to sleep. Mil was was right at handle whilst I was busy trying to get organized with lo and I could hardly get my changing bag Stowe away. I actually had to say "excuse me" to her so I could get into own pram!!! After that I pushed for 10mins as wanted dd to settle and whole time mil was right at my elbow trying to muscle in if i so much as took my hand of pram to fix dd blanket, etc. Once dd was settled I said to mil "would you like to push" and she said "thought you'd never ask" which was really cheeky I think!!! I left her pushing whole rest of the hours walk and didn't hover over her so don't think that was unreasonable.

Is it me? I a, so upset by it all I couldn't sleep last night :(

OP posts:

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 26/12/2013 09:02

It's you, I think.

I think it's up to grandparents to decide what they want to be called. DSs had 2 nans and that was fine. If they wanted to be specific they used the surname.

As for the pram pushing - why did you have to push the pram at all when DMiL was dying to do it? You have years with your pfb and MiL is only staying for a while. DD would have settled just as well whoever was pushing the pram.

I can understand you not wanting to leave her alone, although I would have done. But you are sounding a bit childish on the pram issue.

Chippednailvarnish · 26/12/2013 09:05

You all sound incredibly overbearing, your DH needs to deal with his parents and you all need to relax a bit.

purplemurple1 · 26/12/2013 09:06

I wwould move your message to parenting as people will be a little kinder.

Try to be calm your mil is trying to help you could suggest things to her so she knows what help you want. surely the baby would have settled whoever was pushing the pram.

Re fil just always refer to him as grandad eventually your lo will tell him that's his name.

BohemianGirl · 26/12/2013 09:07

You are a little 'touchy' I think.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 26/12/2013 09:08

I don't think it's about being unreasonable or not. You have a very new baby and everything matters twice as much as it used to. Your mil's behaviour sounds very normal I think, but then I've read a lot of threads on mumsnet! You will probably look back in the future and laugh (a bit!) about this. Take whatever help is offered but you don't have to leav the baby if you don't want to. Though do consider it as in another few months you might be desperate! You also don't need to make a big deal about telling her she can't do it, just let it slide.
Your fil isn't looking like he'll be all that involved so I wouldn't worry about the name. When I was small everyone was Granny, but with a name attached - Granny Brown, Granny Smith, so why not just do that for fil?
It is also Vhristmas so all normal stresses seem magnified!

MidniteScribbler · 26/12/2013 09:10

You're going to have to chill out or you'll have a lot of long years ahead of you. "Don't sweat the small stuff" is remarkably apt when you have a child.

No one owns the name "Grandpa". I had two Nana's and if I needed to distinguish between the two I just used the surname.

Why couldn't you let her push the pram? My DS only has an elderly aunt who dotes on him, and she likes pushing the pram when we're out. It makes her feel special, and who the hell am I to deny her such a simple thing that brings her such joy?

ZillionChocolate · 26/12/2013 09:11

I'm afraid you're a bit uptight. It's fine for DD to have two grandpas, I did for 10+ years and it never caused a problem.

As you exclusively can breast feed DD, why not let Mil do other things? I can't see any reason why you wouldn't let her push the pram. Maybe once DD is fed, you could let mil look after her and go for a bath/rest, so you're still around if needed.

Happy Christmas!

HaroldTheGoat · 26/12/2013 09:12

Look I think you really are overthinking things.

Grandad/grandpa is a real non issue. Call them both grandad. DD is only 2.5 months, she will quite possibly call them different things when she can talk anyway.

Pram - thats not cheeky to me at all.

Babysitting just say it's nice of you to offer but as she is EBF I can't leave her. Maybe next time.

It's nice your mum did chores so you could spend time with Dd but it's pretty normal for MIL to want to spend a bit if time with her.

Just relax. Don't sweat the little things.

Original poster

Feckadeck · 26/12/2013 09:13

No dd wouldn't have settled with whoever was pushing...it wasn't huge pushing human settle ther it was me chatting to her as she really does need to see familiar face. As soon as she was settle I handed reins over to mil so not like I was hogging pram whole time! I don't mind her pushing it's not a huge deal it was me more her manner that got my back up....if she'd just said can I take pram I'd have said sure give me couple of minutes to settle her and she's all yours but no she had to elbow me out the way practically.

FIL name thing fair enough two grandpas. Guess I am hurt no acknowledge pent of dad's existence until now. Purple I think it'd feel like a bitch if I taught dd to call him grandad as would be obvious it was coming from me.

OP posts:

capsium · 26/12/2013 09:15

Oh I remember feeling exactly like this when DS was small. Ebf too and I didn't even like anyone else, apart from DH, holding him. It seemed like other people just wanted me to pass him around all the time, regardless of him crying etc.

How to get through it? I think I just had to grin and bare it and do my best to remain as polite as possible. As they grow bigger and want to play more, it does get easier. The baby enjoys other people making them laugh and so all seems much more fun.

thatsnotmypineapple · 26/12/2013 09:15

On the grandpa/ grandad thing, there is no harm in asking him to use grandad. I don't know if he has other grandchildren, but if so he is less likely to want to change. My children have 2 grandads, as neither wanted to be known as anything else, and it isn't an issue.

Re MIL I'm inclined to think you are being a bit sensitive. Yes she should offer to help around the house, but the pram thing, and wanting to look after the baby, just sounds as though she is just excited about her grandchild. My MIL does this, and suggests that I go out for extended periods leaving ebf 11wk old DD2 with her. She didn't bf, so doesn't really get it. You just have to keep explaining, and let her do the things she can do such as the pram.

aquashiv · 26/12/2013 09:16

You have given birth and yr instinctively protective of yr baby.
Let her help though for yr own sanity.
X

Original poster

Feckadeck · 26/12/2013 09:16

Just to clarify I do leave dd with her in house alone and don't hover over her or anything. I do want them to bond and have a relationship. In fact dd spend more of Xmas day with mil than with me!

OP posts:

BohemianGirl · 26/12/2013 09:17

What does your partner want his daughter to call his father?

It isn't just your baby - she has a father with opinions too.

Original poster

Feckadeck · 26/12/2013 09:17

FIL has no other grandchildren. I might ask DH if he thinks he could ask him but might seem petty so should maybe let slide?

OP posts:

NynaevesSister · 26/12/2013 09:21

Our eldest has had her first child and everyone is grandad! Both his father and her father and two great grandads still alive. There are also two gran's, his mum and my MiL. I am going for Nan to be a bit different.

Let her push the pram. Tell her clearly you are not up to letting anyone take baby out yet without you. If she says that's irrational or unreasonable then smile and reply yup you know but that's how things go sometimes when you are a new parent. Some things you latch on to really strongly and you've no idea why. All you know is that just the idea of her taking baby out makes you urmtterly miserable, and it isn't personal. You feel that way about everyone except your other half so might as well roll with it.

capsium · 26/12/2013 09:21

Tbh, your FiL probably just forgot. Ask your DH if he thinks he would mind being called Grandad, if not refer to him as such and play it by ear. Otherwise just use the surnames.

Original poster

Feckadeck · 26/12/2013 09:23

Bohemian I know she is DH daughter too! I think he will tell me I am being daft!

OP posts:

Slainte · 26/12/2013 09:23

Let it slide, it is petty.

oldbaghere · 26/12/2013 09:23

I can understand completely that you feel the way you do.

But. It's you. Your dd has a wider family, and some of them are on you DP/DH side. You can't or you shouldn't push his family out and I think you are maybe a wee bit in danger of doing that.

Take a deep breath, and let the grandpa/grandad thing go because that really is petty and a bit unfair to your DH.

thatsnotmypineapple · 26/12/2013 09:23

It does sound as though you are making a really big effort to include your ILs in your child's life, particularly with your non communicative FIL. I have to confess that I struggled when DD1 was born to accept that she was as much part of DHs family as mine. MILs excitement was a bit overwhelming for me, but I just had to keep reminding myself how I would feel in her position.

Worriedkat · 26/12/2013 09:24

Main issue I see is having MIL stay for a month. Both of you would need the patience of saints to not get ratty with each other when there's a 2 month old and sleep deprivation in the mix. A week is max, can't they tour elsewhere/ visit other rellies if they're from overseas?

Above all, don't lose it. Her 'help' might become actually helpful when your lo is older and you are gagging for some quality time with your partner, or you have another baby and need some help with toddler care. Play the long game.

WipsGlitter · 26/12/2013 09:27

YABU re the grandad thing. If he's not going to see her much does it matter?

YABsortofU re the pram. I can see how she might settle watching your face, but again she's obviously dying to push the pram. Why not let her take DD out in the pram as a compromise for giving you a break?

Original poster

Feckadeck · 26/12/2013 09:28

Yeah worriedkat I think they staying for a month might be main issue! They have no money to go elsewhere for a bit...we paid for their flights, staying with us and will be footing bill for all food and any outings and tbh we can't afford it ourselves as down to one wage and DH is out of work come May. Y own folks paid their own way but mil can't afford so we paid so they could come met granddaughter. I don't want to push them aside but feeling it hard to deal with it all. Dh doesn't understand at all.

OP posts:

oldbaghere · 26/12/2013 09:32

I know how I would feel with a visitor for a month by the way, even my own mother.

Visitors like fish go off after 3 days.

But see the pram thing? You have months and months and years and years to push a pram. She doesn't. She wants to cram as much in as she can in a very very short time, really, in the scheme of things. The fact that you pushed for 10 minutes before you let her have a turn, I think maybe you're prickly and upset.

But I DO also think that you want your family there and they aren't and Skypes not the same and you are feeling a big resentful.

Please don't exclude your DH family and relegate them to the second division name that is somehow less special. That's not a nice thing to do.

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