To ask how to deal with PIL situations

[Feckadeck]

Go gently as genuinely just want to know how to curb my hurt....DD is 2.5 months old. DH called his dad when she was born and since then we'd heard nothing from him...no call, no congrats card, no gift, no Skype, etc, etc. nowt. I send him an Xmas card to "dad/grandad" as I normally send cards nothing back from him. MIL spending Xmas with us and brought two nice cards from FIL (they divorced but friendly). I was very pleased to receive them especially as one said granddaughter so he'd went to bit of effort there which was nice. However, he's written grandpa on it! Ii know I can't control what he calls himself but I am so upset he is using that name. Grandpa is MY dad (who sees dd lots on Skype and loves her to bits and shows genuine interest in her) . WIBU to have DH ask his dad to start using name grandad?!

Second issue is mil. She here for Xmas for almost a month. I want her to spend time with dd of course but she is so pushy about things and keeps saying she will take her out on own and we can go out for dinner etc etc whilst she babysits. I am ebf and like being around my dd. No issue with mil entertaining her whilst I get chores done but how do I say nicely that the rest won't be happening? My own parents didn't take her out on own when they were visiting so it's not just because she's the mil. My own did a lot (well all!) the housework, cooking, etc so I could spend time with dd. Not expecting same from mil though help would be nice since we brought them here and they staying cost free for a month! How can I make it clear dd won't be going out alone with them? I am considering letting them babysit for couple of hours one evening towards second half of their trip when they know dd ways a bit better as mil would like that but it's too soon right now. She's quite demanding of the pram too. Out yesterday for short walk and were getting dd settled into pram. She was bit cryie as tired so wanted to try to comfort her to get her to sleep. Mil was was right at handle whilst I was busy trying to get organized with lo and I could hardly get my changing bag Stowe away. I actually had to say "excuse me" to her so I could get into own pram!!! After that I pushed for 10mins as wanted dd to settle and whole time mil was right at my elbow trying to muscle in if i so much as took my hand of pram to fix dd blanket, etc. Once dd was settled I said to mil "would you like to push" and she said "thought you'd never ask" which was really cheeky I think!!! I left her pushing whole rest of the hours walk and didn't hover over her so don't think that was unreasonable.

Is it me? I a, so upset by it all I couldn't sleep last night :(

Can I just confirm ... Is the 'new grandpa' the absent FIL? If so I doubt he'll be around too much for it to be a bother. When I was young we had a very present grandad who was just grandad. My other grandad wasn't around too much so he was called grandad x. That could work for you and your grandpas.
With regards to MIL wanting to push etc I have the same with both MIL and DM. They stand arms outstretched as soon as a feed is finished etc. I try to think of how lucky DS is to have people who love him so much and want to spend time with him. But I have also just had to be more forthright with them. If DS is crying I take him - even if whoever had him didn't want to pass him over. If it's a busy/noisy day or moment l pop upstairs for 20 mins or so for some quiet time so DS can relax and calm down. My mantra 'If he is content it's fine. If not ... my baby, my rules'
My DM has been more help around the house than MIL (laundry, dusting, nappies etc) but I think that's par for the course. My MIL has a cleaner do her house so she's not about to clean mine maybe your MIL will get up and sit with baby for an hour in the morning whilst you get an extra hour sleep. My mum did this and I loved my nap, she loved baby 1:1 time. There were strict instructions to wake me if baby got distressed though!

If all else fails the month will soon be over and you will just need to book 2 weeks next time.

Feck, I totally see where you're coming from. It wasn't that you wouldn't let MIL push the pram- you were just settling your crying baby. As soon as she was happy you let MIL push. Completely reasonable.

I think people feel quite proud of being the kind of parent who is happy to hand over babies to other people to look after and that's fair enough but it doesn't make you controlling or unreasonable if you don't want to do that yet. It doesn't mean you have PND either (but obviously do speak to someone if you are low).

stop being upset.
you are the mummy now so you are the boss of everybody. takes a while to get used to and brings a fuckload of responsibility but you most certainly are the boss. remember it.
you're ebf which is best for you and your child so tell, don't ask, tell mil and anyone else who is interested that you and your child will not be parted.
if mil is physically in the way say firmly 'would you stand back please? i need to get closer to...' don't be ashamed or afraid to state your case plainly. she doesn't push the pram until you say so.
people might be shocked at first but they get used to it.

Thanks everyone. DH and I were up super early today so took ddf or walk before sun rose too high...was nice and had bit of chat. He said in his family that is what grandfathers were called. For mil I will speak up more so it doesn't built up into resentment....and cost me sleep like last night as I get hardly any as it is. Started just there actually as in bedroom just out shower and DH popped into get his shower and mil tapped on door and started opening it!! I am half naked in towel feeding dd ffs. I just said "no don't come in" and she said in small voice "ok was just going to take her" which could have been helpful if needed but me and her dad are both here and don't come in my bedroom!

20 days ... hang in there OP

Re: coming into you and DHs room -

Perhaps a little latch and hook on the door so you can relax in there in peace? I would. Or simply a rubber door wedge on your side so she cant 'drift in'.

rabbit's post needs repeating. It's fab:
stop being upset.
you are the mummy now so you are the boss of everybody. takes a while to get used to and brings a fuckload of responsibility but you most certainly are the boss. remember it.
you're ebf which is best for you and your child so tell, don't ask, tell mil and anyone else who is interested that you and your child will not be parted.
if mil is physically in the way say firmly 'would you stand back please? i need to get closer to...' don't be ashamed or afraid to state your case plainly. she doesn't push the pram until you say so.
people might be shocked at first but they get used to it.

OP becoming a parent, for some, means learning ways to overcome fears of confrontation. I hate coming into conflict with others over what they like to do and what i want to do (with my children), but you're the mum now, and you know best from now on. You can still be kind/polite/considerate to other people, but, for you DDs sake - be a strong mum :)

I feel for you. Completely. I can't see it mentioned above but as an expat, it's always harder to have people to stay as the visits tend to be longer, they're in holiday mode but it's your everyday life and to compound the pain, journeys are expensive and the bill often footed by the ones who moved away (so you and me - fellow expat here). Add into the mix a new baby, the fact you haven't had more than two minutes to yourself since she arrived and it's no wonder you're frazzled...

The thing you need to remember is that she's your baby. Let go of the guilt. If you want to do something a certain way, do it. Nevermind what MIL thinks, and whether it's said or unsaid and you just think she might be upset. You're the main player here and she knows it. It's hard to tell from your post if she's deliberately trying to upset you or just trying and failing to be helpful. Can your DH set some boundaries with her? He needs to step up too.

Anyway, just wanted to say you're not alone. Different part of the world here with a toddler and a 9 week old. Having the in laws here post c-section was not the best time of my life. What did help was being assertive, sometimes quite sharp so my views were listened to (as they tend to steamroller everyone) and remembering that I won't have to see them all again for a while...

Countdown is on - Good Luck Op! x

'OK was just going to take her'

Start nipping it in the bud now else the next 20 days will get worse!

I understand where you are coming from. My mil wanted her dh (not Dh's dad) to be called grandad without his name, but that was my dads name and her dh was only related by marriage. She wasn't happy but I kept saying grandad x and she dropped it. I know it seems petty and trivial but these things matter when you are a new mum.

I get the overbearing thing as well, 12 weeks old and you've had a week alone, you can't get settled into your role as a parent with someone else, I'd be feeling resentful over the money too, they shouldn't impose for so long.

I think it's a mixture of their being a tad too excitable - and from your perspective it may feel over familiar - but from their perspective it is their son and his dd and his wife - which is where a lot of pil stuff comes from. Couple that with them in your space for such a time and it is enough to send anyone a bit batty without a newborn thrown in for good measure.

I think your dh needs to help with his parents rather than you - maybe he can take dd out for walks with his mum ?

Ps your husband needs to sort out the boundaries such as not coming in to bedroom.

She's just trying to help, it's clearly hard and for what its worth I could never have coped with a tiny baby and mil - the few weeks she spent here when I was pg was enough- but I would say please try to relax or you will drive yourself mad. Your 2.5 month old will relax with anyone pushing a pram - and your mil is not a 'huge stranger'- in reality your dd doesn't recognise who is pushing so long as they are kind and soothing its fine. It's fine to ask for your own space and enjoy it, and look forward to having her leave you in peace, but don't drive yourself angry and upset with small things that aren't worth it.