To ask how to deal with PIL situations

[Feckadeck]

Go gently as genuinely just want to know how to curb my hurt....DD is 2.5 months old. DH called his dad when she was born and since then we'd heard nothing from him...no call, no congrats card, no gift, no Skype, etc, etc. nowt. I send him an Xmas card to "dad/grandad" as I normally send cards nothing back from him. MIL spending Xmas with us and brought two nice cards from FIL (they divorced but friendly). I was very pleased to receive them especially as one said granddaughter so he'd went to bit of effort there which was nice. However, he's written grandpa on it! Ii know I can't control what he calls himself but I am so upset he is using that name. Grandpa is MY dad (who sees dd lots on Skype and loves her to bits and shows genuine interest in her) . WIBU to have DH ask his dad to start using name grandad?!

Second issue is mil. She here for Xmas for almost a month. I want her to spend time with dd of course but she is so pushy about things and keeps saying she will take her out on own and we can go out for dinner etc etc whilst she babysits. I am ebf and like being around my dd. No issue with mil entertaining her whilst I get chores done but how do I say nicely that the rest won't be happening? My own parents didn't take her out on own when they were visiting so it's not just because she's the mil. My own did a lot (well all!) the housework, cooking, etc so I could spend time with dd. Not expecting same from mil though help would be nice since we brought them here and they staying cost free for a month! How can I make it clear dd won't be going out alone with them? I am considering letting them babysit for couple of hours one evening towards second half of their trip when they know dd ways a bit better as mil would like that but it's too soon right now. She's quite demanding of the pram too. Out yesterday for short walk and were getting dd settled into pram. She was bit cryie as tired so wanted to try to comfort her to get her to sleep. Mil was was right at handle whilst I was busy trying to get organized with lo and I could hardly get my changing bag Stowe away. I actually had to say "excuse me" to her so I could get into own pram!!! After that I pushed for 10mins as wanted dd to settle and whole time mil was right at my elbow trying to muscle in if i so much as took my hand of pram to fix dd blanket, etc. Once dd was settled I said to mil "would you like to push" and she said "thought you'd never ask" which was really cheeky I think!!! I left her pushing whole rest of the hours walk and didn't hover over her so don't think that was unreasonable.

Is it me? I a, so upset by it all I couldn't sleep last night :(

I think 2 glasses of wine or 3 beers when they are effectively on holiday doesn't make them drinkers. And I'm tee total, just about. I will drink one or two glasses a year.

A couple of glasses no, are you abroad in a holiday type warm place?

They might just be a bit giddy, and in holiday mode or something.

X post. And I am tee total more or less as well.

I think you've been so afraid of not coping that you've ended up with people to support you all the time, when actually what you need is to get on with it on your own.

Why were you so afraid you wouldn't cope? What strategies can you put on place to increase your confidence when facing a new challenge ?

Yeah we abroad I'm heat but they so at home as well. Am I being ott not wanting them or DH dealing with dd when have say more than 2wines?

Look. None fouls an the you to prescribe an amount of dink they need to have and they can't handle your dd. That's a recipe for a row and a fall out.

You seem to need to control everything, which I can completely understand, but you're going to have to either chill out or if not, stamp hard on them and be prepared for the fall out.

Oh god my ipad mangled that. None of us can tell you.

Oldbag that is true kind of. Think is I want confident I could cope until dd arrived and I realised I couldn't...DH was a rock and so was my mum. I then worried couldn't cope without them but had week and manged nicely. Now mil here so maybe not feelin like I know how to care for dd myself properly. I don't want her thinking I am not a good mum.

You need to go to your doc and get assessed for PND honey

Ok I won't mention drink but DH knows already it worries me.

OP - allot of posters aren't reading your posts properly and are not hearing that you don't ''get to do all these things on your own all the time'', becasue so fat you're never been on your own! How would you 'be grateful' for having MIL take baby off you and send you out when all you want is have sole care of your first baby for the first time in her 2 month life!

Not long now though.

I think once MIl isn;t there the drinking worries will go too. SHe obviously feels as if she is on holiday to some extent.

so fat?

lol

so far

Yes I just want to be a mum to my dd on my own...to prove I can do it and enjoy her. We only have until May then going to uk and all relatives there and never met her so will all be wanting time with her.

Only read the 1st page so far but find your voice.

I had the pram thing with my MIL who would physically jostle me out of the way-it's really disconcerting as it has probably never happened. A bit like how people used to be at the sale rails/at the market.

All you have to do is say loudly and calmly. 'Im pushing till she's settled, then you can have a turn'

I remember my MIL pushing DS for his 1st trip to a park for a whole hour, then refusing to let me have my turn....she was finishing an ice cream and I'd had mine so said I'd take over. She turned the pram and said assertively 'I'm fine'.

I should have assertively stood my ground.

It isn't a big deal but it can be hard to react appropriately when dominating behaviour is out of the blue-to summarise- loud, calm, assertive.

After RTFT I understand that you are probably overwhelmed with constantly having visitors and I understand that feeling that you would like some space and to have your daughter to yourselves for a change to get on with it without constant input, help and an audience.

As for the heat - air conditioned malls is where it is at. A had a baby in a very hot climate so I understand how hard it can be, I really missed the long outdoor walks. Get thee to the mall to get out more and have a coffee etc.

Op I was the same about letting others take my pfb out. I love my pil have an excellent relationship with them and mostly do with my own parents. She was about 4 or 5 months before my dad took her for a walk out for ten minutes! I just didn't want her out of my sight. I ebf too.

I think it's more how you go about it. Pushing the pram and grandads - let that go but if you don't want to let either set of parents take her out that's ok, just be honest. I just told mine that I wasn't ready yet and I appreciated their offer but not yet. All said with a smile and repeated when necessary.

Plenty of time to be a mum on yr own. Try and relax as other posters have said or MIL will pick up on it.

Go out on the walks, let yr MIL push, walk next to her, don't worry about familiar face and talking to settle her. It's good for babies to be a bit more adaptable. Try gentle tips, "she settles better if you talk soothingly to her".

If she is annoying you just say 'I'm taking dd upstairs to feed etc, need a big of quiet chill out time together. Get yr dh to talk to her & say you haven't had much space since dd was born and so you're trying your best with all the entertaining of guests but its starting to get on top of you. Get him to ask her to be gentle & considerate.

Support in the first few months is a good thing. Do what you want to do, don't argue or be angry. At the same time you are trying to share her so that's good too.

I apologise for not reading the whole thread but I understand :) It DOES sound unreasonable to an outsider but I know what it's like to have a baby for the first time and want everything to be perfect, for them to love & need you you the most and for things to be done your way!

However, as you know and your MIL will know as well having had at least one child of her own, children are tiring! She is probably thinking she is doing you a favour offering you a night off :) In my experience, it's hard leaving your baby for the first time but it will do you good to spend some time with your DH, go for a meal or something as your relationship is still important once baby comes along. Will your daughter take expressed milk from a bottle? You could always take your phone along so MIL could call if there were any problems? Or if you really do not want to, explain this to MIL, that you aren't ready to leave your daughter just yet and maybe when she is a bit older you will, that it isn't anything to do with not trusting her or anything it's just a personal thing. Chances are she will understand.

With the grandpa/grandad thing I understand that too but I agree with another poster about using surnames to distinguish. People do make mistakes and there may be another reason other than just not being bothered that your FIL hasn't been in touch, men sometimes don't know how to behave/what to buy for babies, my dad is brilliant but some other dads don't really get it until the kids are toddlers and can respond. The fact that he has made an effort now is positive and should be encouraged for your daughter's sake I think.

Bling there are no ad malls here....there is literally nowhere for us to take dd inside except small supermarket or a larger home store which is why we are coming back to uk.

Nurser that I good wa to view FILs issue ... I will try to remember.

Zed there is no upstairs...small 2bed apartment. I feel I always have audience! Mum use to got o her room to read or rest sometimes to give me time. I can go to my rom with her of course but not same. I need to just get through it for another 20odd days then I'll be all alone finally!

Yanbu. I am appalled they would manipulate you into paying their airfares, and all their living expenses - especially now your DH has lost his job.

This its unacceptable and if she really cared about her granddaughter, she would not be causing her parents financial hardship.

OP, the whole situation would drive me mad!
To me, you don't sound unreasonable at all.

Be assertive with mil, I would have a big problem with her taking the baby out on her own. Because you have hardly had your baby without someone being there.
In your flat you are probably cramped, it's hard to be in the same house with people, when there is no private space.
Go and take dd to your room, make it all comfy and snuggly and spend time with her without anyone breathing down your neck or having hands extended to take her off you. It's important. There are enough hours in the day for your mil to have her turn.
I would strongly agree to not give up your outdoor time. I would even reccomend going for an evening walk every day- just you, dd and dh!

(and still go out in the afternoon with mil)

With regards to drinking, yes, I would have a problem with anyone holding my baby after 2-4 glasses of wine. 4 glasses of wine is well over driving limit.
She is tiny, I'd be in protective mode. If your inlaws find that insulting it's their problem.
And I think it would worry me too if they drink 2-4 glasses of wine every night for 4 weeks! Now it's Christmas and that's different, but after that...

If you need assessment for depression so do I

Feck, just wanted to say I really understand where you are coming from. I think people have been quite harsh with you but your situation does sound very difficult.

Going against the grain, in a while, why don't you speak to dh, and write to your fil giving him a bit of news and just say at the end, by the way we would like dd to call you grandad. love from Feck etc. Sod him, if he isn't that bothered and you would like your father to be the only Grandpa, turn it round the other way, what's the big deal if you have your way. Your way is more important than his anyway. For all you know, he may not have even thought about the name and just written something off the top of his head. Those people who are telling you it isn't important, well it is to you, but if it isnt' important then it can't be that important for fil can it?

RE the mil. Well, it sounds very tricky. And I agree with the others it is just a bad mistake to have mil here for a month full stop,. However, now she is here, how to handle it? you sound very stressed but that is understandable. You can't get away from the woman and she wants to hold your baby. The baby you have only had for 2.5 months. It is perfectly natural to want to be with yoru baby all the time at that stage I reckon, as you found out when you had that week to yourself.

re the sunburn, I believe you that you cannot trust your mil to protect your baby from the sun. And that is a real concern.

I confess that I haven't read every detail of this thread so I hope people have given you some advice. All i can think of is decide in your mind when you are happy to pass the baby over tomil and when you want her yourself. Also, verbalise it so that everyone knows where they stand.

Lastly get a calendar and cross off those days.

Sorry, I didn't want to be flippant about depression. I just thought it was a bit to easy to tell op to go and get assessed as if her problems were all in her head.