To ask how to deal with PIL situations

[Feckadeck]

Go gently as genuinely just want to know how to curb my hurt....DD is 2.5 months old. DH called his dad when she was born and since then we'd heard nothing from him...no call, no congrats card, no gift, no Skype, etc, etc. nowt. I send him an Xmas card to "dad/grandad" as I normally send cards nothing back from him. MIL spending Xmas with us and brought two nice cards from FIL (they divorced but friendly). I was very pleased to receive them especially as one said granddaughter so he'd went to bit of effort there which was nice. However, he's written grandpa on it! Ii know I can't control what he calls himself but I am so upset he is using that name. Grandpa is MY dad (who sees dd lots on Skype and loves her to bits and shows genuine interest in her) . WIBU to have DH ask his dad to start using name grandad?!

Second issue is mil. She here for Xmas for almost a month. I want her to spend time with dd of course but she is so pushy about things and keeps saying she will take her out on own and we can go out for dinner etc etc whilst she babysits. I am ebf and like being around my dd. No issue with mil entertaining her whilst I get chores done but how do I say nicely that the rest won't be happening? My own parents didn't take her out on own when they were visiting so it's not just because she's the mil. My own did a lot (well all!) the housework, cooking, etc so I could spend time with dd. Not expecting same from mil though help would be nice since we brought them here and they staying cost free for a month! How can I make it clear dd won't be going out alone with them? I am considering letting them babysit for couple of hours one evening towards second half of their trip when they know dd ways a bit better as mil would like that but it's too soon right now. She's quite demanding of the pram too. Out yesterday for short walk and were getting dd settled into pram. She was bit cryie as tired so wanted to try to comfort her to get her to sleep. Mil was was right at handle whilst I was busy trying to get organized with lo and I could hardly get my changing bag Stowe away. I actually had to say "excuse me" to her so I could get into own pram!!! After that I pushed for 10mins as wanted dd to settle and whole time mil was right at my elbow trying to muscle in if i so much as took my hand of pram to fix dd blanket, etc. Once dd was settled I said to mil "would you like to push" and she said "thought you'd never ask" which was really cheeky I think!!! I left her pushing whole rest of the hours walk and didn't hover over her so don't think that was unreasonable.

Is it me? I a, so upset by it all I couldn't sleep last night :(

Sorry to post again...just to explain re me not wanting mil to take dd out in pram on own. We live in very hot country right now and not ideal for walking. Have to b careful dd is protected from sun and can only take her in late afternoon. I don't (yet) trust mil to do this as they burn themselves in sun quite happily ie they know they are burning and are pleased as will be nice and brown for going home!! Selfishly I also look forward to getting walk myself as only time can get out house! If in uk I might be more flexible in letting mil take dd walk on own.

So the problem isn't your Pil, it's your DH.

Can't you do needful to protect baby, bung in pram at front door and let mil carry on from then?

I think the Grandpa thing is fine. Try and be pleased you got a card.
Regarding the babysitting thing just be firm if you don't want to leave your baby. My MIL kept saying that with my nephew and nieces and my DC. She really wanted them on her own for a couple of hours. But if you are not ready (I wasn't) then say thankyou but I'm not ready to go out to dinner yet.
I think her wanting to push the pram is ok and it's good you let her push.
A month with your MIL is a really long time especially at a time you just want to bond with and treasure your baby.

Leave the Grandpa/grandad thing alone. Your child will call them by the name that naturally evolves when she is old enough to speak.

I'd like to tell you how this feels from the new grandparent side. My baby GS has been staying with us over Christmas (with my DD and her DH.)

Whilst I try to be careful not to tread on toes, sometimes you can see the parent getting a little flustered and you want to help. I do say "shall I take him?"/ " do you want me to try?" this could be seen as me muscling in, or it could be viewed as helpful. However, it is meant in the kindest possible way. It is a fine line between being an interested grandparent and a pushy grandparent. I'm sure I don't/ won't always get it right. I imagine this can be even harder if it's your DIL.

It sounds as if your MIL wants to be helpful and also gets great pleasure out of being proud granny pushing the pram. Maybe you could just relax a little and let her? Nothing bad will happen- the worst is that your baby won't settle and then you can take over. But then, maybe I'm biased- but it just thought you could benefit from seeing how it feels from the other side.

I agree with what others are saying. Also, it sounds as though your mother-in-law is desperate to help and be involved, so ask her for what you need. It's your house and your routine and perhaps she doesn't want to presume, so you need to tell her what chores would be a help. Balance this with the nice granddaughter-related jobs too.

But I don't see why I should have to set it all up for her taking dd out in sun especially when it's only time I can et out myself too. My own mum never took dd out on her own...never even asked to! And when were out she never demanded to push pram either. If my mum didn't why does mil? Like said I will let her push but she is being a bit overwhelming about it all.

Why not call him Grandpa Jim or whatever his first name is? Both my grandfathers were called Grandad but one died before I was born. We call him Grandad Jim (not his real name) and the other is just Grandad. It's not because he's my favourite or my mum's dad or whatever, just that he's alive and so I saw him frequently and has more reason to talk about him as a child. Depending what your DH thinks, you would probably need to call both of them Grandad to avoid favouritism. Unless it's clear that one is far more involved in your daughter's life.

I think I would let her push but not take the baby out on her own unless felt 100% about it.

Your mum is different. They aren't the same. One is not better than the other but they are not the same.

You should set it up because that's how you want it to be. You have a way you want it to be. If you set it up then you know it's done to your satisfaction.

You are making you and your Mil sound like a couple of 5 year olds squabbling over a toy doll. You're as bad as each other.

Se downtown that does help. I don't want a bad relationship with my mil. I suppose I am feeling territorial and a bit resentful of them being here and costing us so much money as well. I try to be more relaxed about things.

Also your MIL does sound rather overbearing. If you have concerns about safety then I wouldn't let her take her out in the sun. It's just too risky. There's plenty of other things they can do together. I expect MIL is just excited and getting used to being a grandmother. Encourage her to spend time with DD at home, and politely set some boundaries. Once you all know what MIL can do with baby and what you will do then hopefully everyone will stick to it :)

FIL - sounds like you being a bit unreasonable. When your baby can speak she may name him herself anyway.

MIL - your main mistake is that she's staying for a month. Even if you totally liked each other and agreed on everything, after a month you'd be desperate for her to leave. Never mind, you live and learn, don't book that long a stay again.

DH - needs to wake up and realise his family are never going to be as meaningful to you as yours and respect that you now have a baby and are feeling like a lioness with a cub. He's your biggest problem.

I don't think I am squabbling over a toy doll...she is my daughter I enjoy taking her out once a day when one it's cool enough. We are stuck in house rest of the time. I don't see why I should sacrifice some time outdoors so mil can be on her own with dd. As I said I will let her push and I even hang back a bit so not walking right next to her like I am hovering.

I think you're being precious and will laugh at how ridiculous this all is in years to come. FGS, let her push the bloody pram! And the 'why should you' set up the pram for MIL to take baby for a walk is because it would be a nice thing to do and would clearly mean a lot to her! Give baby a good feed, slather in sun cream, set the pram up to keep the sun off and go have a cup of tea in peace after waving them off for an hour.

I have 2 DSs and I pray I don't end up with DILs who treat me like this! I encouraged my MIL to be as involved as possible with DS1, even though it meant biting my tongue until it was bloody, but when she died 9 months after he was born I was so pleased I had - it gave DH some lovely memories of his mum and son together.

You are ine brave lady gaving mil staying for a month. i do understand the Grandpa thing, but I think you cant choose what some else is called.

Let Dh deal with the big stuff ie mil taking baby out alone. Dont sweat the small stuff. Let her push.

I think you need to let go of the resentment. If you couldn't afford it, you shouldn't have paid for their trip. They didn't ask you to, did they?

However, do as much as you can to limit expense. No fancy meals or exciting outings. If MIL suggests something you can't afford, just say "sorry we can't afford that, money is tight at the moment". She might then offer to contribute a little, if she can afford it. Seeing as she must be able to afford to feed herself etc. at home, personally I would've arranged for her to contribute towards food during her stay but you can't do that now she's there. Worth considering in the future though.

Yes a month is too long I know but I felt it was only fair to DH as my mum was her just after birth for a month to help us (DH got no leave except day of birth).

It's tricky. We are all adjusting to our new roles. As a GP I am not responsible for how my GS is brought up or cared for. His mother and father are. But after being the matriarch for 25 years it is difficult not to retain that default position, with regards to my GS.

Being allowed a bit of responsibility is a privilege and a pleasure. I'm sure there will be a lot of tongue biting on both sides over the years. But having a loving, involved grandparent is much better than one who is not interested. Hope you work it out.

My DF is granddad and fil is grandpa. But we all frequently forget and I'll use the word grandpa when I mean granddad etc etc (they are both generic words and it's easy to get confused). But ds never gets confused and now he's two has different names for them both (very idiosyncratic to him and not anything like granddad/grandpa!). So I really really think you are over thinking that one (sounds like he just wrote grandpa without thinking). As you live quite far away by the sounds of it he won't be seeing loads of dd on an everyday basis so can just play it by ear and see what dd feels like calling him when they do spend time together.
Re the pram pushing etc it does sound like you are being a bit hormonal and pfb. I was EXACTLy the same when ds was 2months old!! And I don't think there's anything wrong in feeling that way, it's natural at this stage especially when y are breastfeeding etc. re the babysitting. I would just say ooooh sounds lovely but you do nth ave to actually I go through with it, you can suddenly be a bit too tired when the evening comes round and decide to stay at home after all :-) if you feel comfortable with it it, why not suggest a few things mil can do with baby while you take a bath/read a book/mumsnet half an hour away. Eg bath her and do Nappy/outfit change. I'm sure mil will enjoy picking out an outfit! Then make sure you get dd back for breastfeeding and cuddles when you need some :-)
This stage of having a baby isn't easy and you are brave to have pils stay so long at this point. Look after yourself and try to take it easy when you can. Good luck!

Did you feel like this with your mum? Were you sensitive to how your DH might feel with your mum? I honestly think you are in danger of one rule for mine, and different one for yours, with regards to family and as a mother of both sons and daughters, that's not fair - on your DH as much as anyone else.

Your mum knows you far better than your MIL I assume. Maybe your Mum felt the same way you do and so that is why she didn't ask but perhaps your MIL was different when she had her babies and loved showing them off and passing them round?
To me it just sounds like your MIL is excited to see her first grandchild and just wants to fit in as much as possible before she goes home and can only communicate via the internet. This month will be so precious to her as it will probably be a long time before she gets to see and cuddle her grandchild again. I don't think she is trying to be awkward, she is just excited.

The thing is with babies, esp no 1, is that you get these feelings that a teeny weeny bit of you knows is unreasonable, but it's overwhelming and you just can't switch it off. And for a lot of us, the relationship we have with our own mums is easier than that with our MILs. What you are feeling is very normal and it does get easier. You little one is only 2.5 months so still very 'new' to you and it's really hard to hand them over esp when that someone is virtually sitting on your shoulder just waiting and waiting for any opportunity. And bf plays a bit part as your hormonally supercharged to nurture and protect, so tempting to want to turn round and tell her to feck off.

I think be firm re the babysitting/going out and be totally anal about sun cream and shade/protection if they do go for a walk. That's absolutely fine and very reasonable. And I understand about you wanting to settle lo in the pram before ha ding the reins over. But hand them over, let mil have her glory. It does pay of in the long run, honest. A month is a long time but then you will have lo all to your self again and be able to expire lots of new things

As the the grandpa/granddad thing - I actually agree with you. I think it's easier to have slightly diff names so the kids can easily differentiate between them. But for you, Grandpa holds a special meaning and it seems firing that your dad is called it whilst the absentee grandad is called 'Grandad'. Tricky one though. I would just repeatedly use it as LO grows up and they'll soon cotton on

Finally beware on here, (esp AIBU) as people will literally take you post literally word for word. If you say "my baby" you will get flamed for making out that it's literally 'your baby' and not 'yours and your DHs baby'. Some folk don't understand that it's just a turn of phrase and can't see past stuff like that.

Congratulations in your new baby! And good luck for the month ahead, you're a much better and patient person that me!!

I agree with the others & think YABU. I totally understand why as it's your PFB & also having visitors for a month is stressful however you must have invited them therefore it's really unfair to invite someone & then resent their presence due to how much it's costing.

Also, your DMIL & DM are different & therefore just because your MIL wants to do different things, it doesn't mean she's wrong. Sounds to me like she's just trying to get as much time with her granddaughter as possible during their visit. Try to relax if you can.

The grandpa / grandad thing will all sort itself when your DD is older & she will likely choose what to call them (my mum wanted to be called gran & yet my eldest started calling her nan / nanny all by himself & she's been that ever since, with the other 2 then also calling her that).

Hope you can relax & make the best of the visit.