To ask how to deal with PIL situations

[Feckadeck]

Go gently as genuinely just want to know how to curb my hurt....DD is 2.5 months old. DH called his dad when she was born and since then we'd heard nothing from him...no call, no congrats card, no gift, no Skype, etc, etc. nowt. I send him an Xmas card to "dad/grandad" as I normally send cards nothing back from him. MIL spending Xmas with us and brought two nice cards from FIL (they divorced but friendly). I was very pleased to receive them especially as one said granddaughter so he'd went to bit of effort there which was nice. However, he's written grandpa on it! Ii know I can't control what he calls himself but I am so upset he is using that name. Grandpa is MY dad (who sees dd lots on Skype and loves her to bits and shows genuine interest in her) . WIBU to have DH ask his dad to start using name grandad?!

Second issue is mil. She here for Xmas for almost a month. I want her to spend time with dd of course but she is so pushy about things and keeps saying she will take her out on own and we can go out for dinner etc etc whilst she babysits. I am ebf and like being around my dd. No issue with mil entertaining her whilst I get chores done but how do I say nicely that the rest won't be happening? My own parents didn't take her out on own when they were visiting so it's not just because she's the mil. My own did a lot (well all!) the housework, cooking, etc so I could spend time with dd. Not expecting same from mil though help would be nice since we brought them here and they staying cost free for a month! How can I make it clear dd won't be going out alone with them? I am considering letting them babysit for couple of hours one evening towards second half of their trip when they know dd ways a bit better as mil would like that but it's too soon right now. She's quite demanding of the pram too. Out yesterday for short walk and were getting dd settled into pram. She was bit cryie as tired so wanted to try to comfort her to get her to sleep. Mil was was right at handle whilst I was busy trying to get organized with lo and I could hardly get my changing bag Stowe away. I actually had to say "excuse me" to her so I could get into own pram!!! After that I pushed for 10mins as wanted dd to settle and whole time mil was right at my elbow trying to muscle in if i so much as took my hand of pram to fix dd blanket, etc. Once dd was settled I said to mil "would you like to push" and she said "thought you'd never ask" which was really cheeky I think!!! I left her pushing whole rest of the hours walk and didn't hover over her so don't think that was unreasonable.

Is it me? I a, so upset by it all I couldn't sleep last night :(

Featherbag I don't think that is fair did you read all my posts...I will let her push the bloody pram but also want fresh air myself! Or am I suppose to be struck indoors all day so she we can be alone with dd?! I am welcoming to her and want her and dd to have a good relationship!

She pretty much did ask to come out...guilt tripped us a bit and even besides that I couldn't not have them come out as could do to my DH or even mil as she wouldn't see dd until she 8 months otherwise. We saved to bye their tickets and I was working ft too so different situation than now (plus didn't know DH would be out of work soon back then). I didn't feel we could arrange any contribution as they do have money issues. They drink a fair bit though and I obviously am not so buying their beer and wine is going to annoy me no end!

Both sets of grandparents are granny and grandad. My parents were already established as dd was number 7 grandchild but the inlaws wanted to be granny and grandad too. It was too small a thing to get het up on.

As for MIL, she just wants to help in her own way.

I issued a few posts there. They were helpful ad understanding thanks. I do get that I am being a bit unreasonable. The grandpa thing especially. I feel hurt for my dad mainly as he waited a long time to be grandpa and now some othe uninterested man also holds that title....I know it not rational!

My 5th Lo is 9 months and I also EBF so I do understand how "emotional" life can be during this time.
I'm trying to kind so don't be upset but it would be so lovely if you "allowed" mil more involvement for the following reasons -
She won't be staying forever
She is obviously very keen / desperate to be hands on with grandchild
What happens during this visit may put her off for subsequent visits when I guarantee you will be overjoyed for her to babysit whilst you go out
It can cause tension for everyone and make you look upright
I know it's difficult to let anyone else care for your baby but since you are EBF you have perfect excuse to always get her back through the day.
Finally, have you asked her to help out, just casually say as you about to feed, ohhhhh it would mean so much if you could .... I don't know.... Wash up for example.
The more you "work together" the better things will be.

It is "work"having people stay but as long as you don't despise her and work it out knowing at least she won't be there forever.
Can you use grandpa "fil name" ? I know ppl who do that.

Don't buy alcohol for them. That's not essential and if they want it they can buy their own. Just buy normal groceries and they can buy anything special if they want it.

I do let her help with dd in house, playing, holding, bath, etc. I will try to ask for help re chores but they so messy I find it easier to do things myself so know done properly...I have to see up on that I suppose.

Re the drinking. DH drinks more at home when they are here. They all drink in evening and I am not comfortable giving dd over to people,who are drinking, DH said same when pregnant but seems to shove forgotten.t hey aren't drunk or anything. Mil has maybe 2-4 glasses of wine, stepFil 3 beers. I don't really want dd growing up around drinkers but wondering if I am being over anxious right now as she not ware obviously.

OP - grandad thing - drop it. Not worth the worry.

MIL thing - soooooo, your DD is 2.5 months old, and for the first moth you had your mum there, and the 2nd month you've got your MIL there.

So basically the whole of your DDs life so far has been shared. I think this is the root of your tetchiness.

When i had my first DC i was worried about coping alone when DH went back to work and when DM and MIL had retreated a bit. However - i LOVED that time alone with my little DD, getting to know each other and our own routine and i think this bonding time is what your missing.

Month of MIl was a mistake!

I think you should continue to go out on the walks with her. Let her push the pram, but there's no reason why GPs have to have this weird alone time with their GCs. 'Specially when you YOU havn't had any yet either it seems.

Look, you either need to start being assertive or you're going to let all of this resentment and anxiety build up. It'll eat away at you and it'll eat away at your daughter's relationship with her grandmother.

Be clear and kind, no need to be nasty or possessive.

Have you talked to your DH properly about how you are feeling?

Yes fluffy the whol of my dd life has be shared apart from maybe a week.

Oldbag I mentioned some worries to DH but not in depth. I don't want to look mean as he accommodating of my mum being her (though was easy as he got al his shirts ironing and meals cooked so he could spend propr time with dd when home in evening from work)

Did you have a particularly traumatic delivery?

No Oldbag but it was very very fast so a shock. I don't know if I bonded right first few weeks cried a lot but felt good when mum left as getting to know dd and her ways by then and felt ready to be on own with her and DH. Now mil her and maybe I not as welcoming (inside head am on outside) as should be.

Can you talk to DH? And also your doctor or health visitor?

I'm slightly worried that if you're not careful you could end up with PND.

So bare this in mind OP (your last post), and just try to plough through this month. How far through it are you so far?

Once MIL has gone home you can begin your own bonding with your DD :)

Between dh and I we still have living grandparents plus his parents are divorced and remarried , so my dcs have several grans and grandads ! My parents are gran and grandad , and the rest are gran-name and grandad-name . You absolutely cannot dictate what your dcs call their grandparents , that's for them to choose .

As for the pram thing , I don't think I've ever pushed ds in his pram when I've not been alone . Even dh takes the pram off me . That's because I push it all the time and it's a novelty for other people . So what if other people want to push his pram ?

Tbh I think if that's all you have to worry you about your ILs you are very lucky

No hv here. I don't think I will get pnd I was very aware of that first few weeks as had depression before. Mum was also aware so helped me get in good place mentally whilst she was here,hence her not being overbearing and doing chores whilst I had dd. I can't blame mil for not doing same...she not aware and don't want her to be so unfair of me to expect same from her as for my own mum.

''That's because I push it all the time and it's a novelty for other people''

i agree with this in principal magic, but OP doesn't 'push the pram all the time' because of the climate she lives in. One outing per day in the late afternoon is all they can do. Poor OP has never had 'alone time' with her own DD!

Yes I am luck with mil in a way. Littlebitchristmas I have only been alone with dd in pram maybe 3 times..maybe that is why I more reluctant to give up pushing that I would be if say had her all time alone. It wouldn't be big deal then I suppose.

As others have said - you really need to relax - especially as they're with you for a while. You'll drive yourself nuts!

I would have been very offended if I'd been asked to change my 'grandparent' name. It's entirely up to the grandparent what they are called, and the children soon make it clear who they are talking about when they refer to them. And it's a name not a title really.

Your MiL sounds well-meaning rather than overbearing, so just try and keep boundaries in place so that things are done your way, but she helps.

This I think a little over-the-top: I don't really want dd growing up around drinkers
I don't think you'd class what they do as making them drinkers.

And finally, the going out and leaving them to babysit. Just don't. If you're not happy to do it, just thank them for the offer, but say it's not practical just yet. What does your DH think about it?

Good luck!

What fluffy said really!

As to the pram-pushing - I wasn't allowed either! My DiL had waited a long time for her baby and was desperate to push the pram!

I understood - she relented after a while!

Yabu

Let him choose grandpa, add their names after it to distinguish between them. A name is not a reward for attention (& love).

Mil is trying to do you a favour - go out if you can. If you can't due to bf just say so. I'd even try expressing and getting her on a bottle so you can have an hour or two for a meal or cinema. If you really don't want to say so but you could've glad of a break in a few months and grandparental childcare is best in early days if there's no one else you can trust to babysit.

Let her push the pram. She doesn't get to do it as often as you. She is also trying to do you a favour. I always let grandparents push pram, save me a job I did all the time. It would be different if they were always there taking over but for visits then its fine. YABPFB!!

Btw, It's normal to say excuse me if someone is in the way, she is not psychic!

Try to treat both sides of the family evenly. So your parents help out, this doesn't make them better grandparents just good parents. It's not fair to favour them over MIL. Yr FIL is nc so that's his sorry problem, try to support your dh as he may be sad his dad is like this.

One other thing, a month is too long for any parental or IL visit. Assume you don't see her any other time?

There is no reason at all why you shouldn't join them for walks,

One thing I do find odd is some people are obsessed with "getting the baby alone"

I think the trick really is that you can't help some if these feelings and it must be hard having 2 sets if visitors for a month.,

I would just try and not say anything over these small things, it's really not worth it.

Let DH deal with bigger things as a previous poster said.

Let it crash over you, like waves on the beach.

I will drop name thing completely as don't want to upset anyone. It's not that FIL is bad he just does tv et involved so wouldn't want to hurt him or DH.

You don't think drinking wine every night makes them drinkers?