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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my dB's ex is a total bitch????

186 replies

ginmakesitallok · 25/12/2013 23:07

dB and his ex been split up for about 2 years, she was abusive. She always been very awkward about letting him see his D's, and although we've advised him to take her to court to get access formally sorted out he hasn't. So, today, Christmas day and the bitch wouldn't let him see his son. Happy for him to play Santa, but not willing to let him see his son at all. Am so oooo stopping myself phoning her and telling her what I think of her. It's killing him. How can anyone be so cruel????

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 28/12/2013 11:53

I can see posters that won't see beyond their own narrow view point.

I know that you in all probability are telling the truth because I have friends that have experienced it.

I know that in all probability the OP's DB is telling the truth because I have seen to many friends who have experienced that as well.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/12/2013 12:18

I think why this thread is different about believing the OP is because it is not just one side of the story we are hearing here, it is an outsider's view of one side of the story. People are not saying they disbelieve the sister's honest account; they are pointing out that unless you are one of the ex-couple you cannot and never will know exactly what goes on. If she - rightly, understandably - wants to support her brother there are ways of doing it, and nobody said she shouldn't, but (as she knows herself) ringing up the ex to give her an earful is not going to be the best move. If the ex is genuinely a bitch she won't care anyway - will just store it up for ammunition. And yes, vindictive resident parents who use their children as pawns in a power game do exist; I don't think anyone tried to deny that. What they're saying is, don't wade in with Size 9 naily boots to a situation you will never be 100% informed about. Tea and sympathy, great. Queueing up to heap abuse on the ex, not great.

mayorquimby · 28/12/2013 12:24

I never see the same level of scepticism when someone posts about their female friend or family member being on the receiving end of emotionally or physically abusive controlling ex's

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 28/12/2013 12:28

Agree boneyback.

BlackDaisies · 28/12/2013 12:54

I honestly think it's down to the way you argue. If the OP had been full of upset for her brother and asked advice about how best to help him, I think she would have had different replies to her actual OP which had bitch in the title, refers to ex simply as the bitch, and asks advice about whether she ought to call and give her an earful.

NigellasDealer · 28/12/2013 12:58

yeh exactly blackdaisies, it is all a bit Jezza Kyle show really.

Rufustherednosedreindeer · 28/12/2013 12:59

blackdaisies agree with you except that I don't think she was asking advice re ringing and giving ex an earful

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/12/2013 13:02

Is it really any different from the "my twunt of an ex", ",my twat of an Ex", "my bastard of an ex"?

and responses haven't just been, don't do it, which would be fair enough (and sensible) they have basically called the DB a liar.

And be honest wouldn't you be angry about someone not letting a member of your family see their children?

Rufustherednosedreindeer · 28/12/2013 13:06

Agree boney

Might just spend the rest of the thread agreeing, lot quicker than trying to think of a nice way of saying stuff and then typing it

helenthemadex · 28/12/2013 15:32

firstly it is not right to stop a child seeing a parent unless there is a real danger to the child, using them as weapons is so damaging to them and causes so many problems, I would never agree that this the right thing to do. Children should be able to continue a relationship with both parents

However I do think there is more to the story than is being told here, by this I mean it sounds strange that the ex would say no to the db coming and seeing his ds for a few hours if that is what they had arranged between them, did the db change his mind or the arrangements?

Other people getting involved and taking sides makes the situation worse and impacts directly on the child, how would the op's nephew feel to hear his auntie calling his mum a bitch? hurt and confused, she may not do this in his presence but he will be aware of her dislike and anger towards his mother even if he doesnt quite understand it.

Rachelicious · 28/12/2013 15:39

If it were to go to court you wouldn't be helping at all by giving the ex a load of abuse whatever you think of her. Your db needs to man up and take it through the courts if his ex is being the bitch you're saying she is

LadyJx · 28/12/2013 16:22

Your db needs to man up and take it through the courts if his ex is being the bitch you're saying she is

Agreed

IfNotNowThenWhen · 28/12/2013 18:16

Another crazy bitch here, who "won't" let ds's dad see him. Not that he has asked. Or tried at all. Or called. But, you know. I'm a crazy bitch, and he's probably scared. Or something.
Listen, some people do use their kids against an ex, and that is really wrong, but do you know what? If my son lived with his dad, and I wanted real contact, I would be in court quicker than hot shit off a shovel. I wouldn't just be sitting around pontificating about what he might or might not do if I took action.
Sozza, but what your DB is selling, I ain't buying.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 28/12/2013 18:21

So if a woman withholds access that's fine and lovely but if a man hesitates to go to court - usually for fear it will get worse, affect the kids, or he cant afford to, then he's a shit.

Ok I get it now.

Rachelicious · 28/12/2013 19:41

If he's scared that doesn't mean he should just sit back and do nothing and hope one day that is ex will be all lovely and sweet and allow him to see their kid. It doesn't work like that if you want something bad enough you'll fight until the better end to get it

honeybunny14 · 28/12/2013 19:51

If it was a woman posting that her ex was abusive it would be seen totaly different on here i hope your db gets to see his ds soon i know alot of women who have made things difficult for dads to see there dcs just because they have moved on.

LadyJx · 28/12/2013 20:05

If it was a woman posting that her ex was abusive it would be seen totaly different on here i hope your db gets to see his ds soon i know alot of women who have made things difficult for dads to see there dcs just because they have moved on.

Not really the same is it? It is a woman posting about her brothers past relationship.

mayorquimby · 28/12/2013 20:19

No ladyjx but as I said above there's been plenty of threads about female relatives or friends suffering emotional or physical abyss or continued controlling and abisive behaviour from an ex that aren't met with "well of course that's what she'd say" or "it's hard to tell when you only have her word to go on"

LadyJx · 28/12/2013 20:31

If it was someone posting about a woman in this exact same position I would say the same.

Seek legal advice, it is the only option in situations like this. If her brother can't be bothered or doesn't want the hassle of going through courts then I fail to sympathize with him playing the victim.

I would fight tooth and nail to see my child and I cannot understand anyone who wouldn't.

Lweji · 28/12/2013 20:36

If she stops him seeing the children while the court process in going on, it won't look good.
It might even be better to apply for full custody for himself. What she is doing is abusive towards the children.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/12/2013 20:39

*If her brother can't be bothered or doesn't want the hassle of going through courts then I fail to sympathize with him playing the victim.

I would fight tooth and nail to see my child and I cannot understand anyone who wouldn't.*

very easy to say, much harder to do.

LadyJx · 28/12/2013 20:57

Sorry Boney. Absolute nonsense. Not hard to fight for my flesh and blood. A million men (and women but more often men do it) and I don't have time for someone who wont.

flippinada · 28/12/2013 21:12

This is a very emotive subject and referring to a 'bitch' ex is bound to get people's backs up.

Keeping this as neutral as possible - as someone who has been through the court process, I would strongly advise trying mediation first of all; only go ahead with court action if you absolutely have to, because it's hideously stressful (that said I would do it again if I needed to).

If an ex partner is abusive, don't bother with mediation and go down the legal route.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/12/2013 21:42

A mate of mine has been fighting to see his children for 6 yrs.
Another for nearly 10.
just recently a friend has lost the case to keep his children in the country. He will get 5 wks per year. (if she allows them on the plane)

easy to say, very hard to do and keep doing.

All of this very easy and cheap to represent yourself stuff is rubbish and a very simplistic view of the system.

Yes there are free advocates but there are a whole host of issues that Ex's can put in the way.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 28/12/2013 23:11

Why do people always do this 'if this was woman/man etc' crap? Either way, I would be unconvinced. If you're prepared to believe one side of the story that isn't even being told by any person directly involved then more fool you, that is narrow-minded. The amount of 'mad bitch exes' on this thread speak for themselves. Also, why the hell is it so hard to 'fight tooth and nail'? I've been there, Courts are generally pretty insightful and fair ime.