to think my dB's ex is a total bitch????

[ginmakesitallok]

dB and his ex been split up for about 2 years, she was abusive. She always been very awkward about letting him see his D's, and although we've advised him to take her to court to get access formally sorted out he hasn't. So, today, Christmas day and the bitch wouldn't let him see his son. Happy for him to play Santa, but not willing to let him see his son at all. Am so oooo stopping myself phoning her and telling her what I think of her. It's killing him. How can anyone be so cruel????

[BoneyBackJefferson]

"If you're prepared to believe one side of the story that isn't even being told by any person directly involved then more fool you, that is narrow-minded."

then you contradict with

"The amount of 'mad bitch exes' on this thread speak for themselves"

They are all one side of the story.

How long did it take you to fight "tooth and nail"?

people don't all have the same court experiences, your ex is different to other peoples, your story is different to other peoples is it so hard to believe that there are nasty women out there that stop their exes seeing their children for no good reason?

[honeybunny14]

It is the same the op said her db ex is abusive ive seen it time and time again on here women in the same situation and they get alot of good support. But if it a man its always somehow his fault ie not doing enough to see his child.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

I'm saying that those "mad bitch exes" (myself included) indicate that there are a fair few bullshitting men who lie about not being 'allowed' to see their children. No contradiction. Thankfully, xp and xmil's bullshit was so transparent, it didn't take as long as it could have.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

Not doing enough? Not doing anything by the sounds of it.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

I am prepared to admit the experience has left me bitter and cynical.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Vampyre

I don't disagree that there are a "fair few bullshitting men who lie about not being 'allowed' to see their children"

I have seen it for myself, but I have also seen the other side of it as well.

the contradiction isn't that the men lie its that the one sided stories from women are on here are believed, it is still one side of the story, you have no way of ratifying whether they are real or not.

[Lweji]

He got good support here. He was told he should go to the court, as any woman would have got.

I also remember instances where women were challenged because they were not doing enough to protect their children. Even to be in contact with them.

It's the people who pull up the "if it was a man" or "if it was a woman" who often seem biased.

[mayorquimby]

"Seek legal advice, it is the only option in situations like this. If her brother can't be bothered or doesn't want the hassle of going through courts then I fail to sympathize with him playing the victim."



I look forward to the same advice being given in respect of a victim who doesn't feel she can go to the police or pursue proper channels due to her circumstances.

I'm sure everyone will be telling them to "man up" and go to the courts or else they don't care enough for it to matter

[MeMySonAndI]

Well, I'm another controlling abusive bitch of an ex, interestingly I was the one who the police referred for victim support, which made wonders for my self esteem and gave me the strength to cope with my ex's abusive behaviour.

He has been claiming for years I don't allow him to see his child, he even cry to people about this sorry business. The truth is that he has ignored every single offer to increase contact, all invitations to attend mediation to re-establish it, and every invitation he has got to join in during DS's important days has only attracted more abuse from him towards DS.

If this was not enough, he hurt DS so much when he had contact that DS needed counseling, neglected his health to the point the GPs acted in their concerns, and did a couple of other more serious things that resulted in Social Services being involved. To round it up, he also claims he is being fleeced with so much maintenance to pay, but he has been paying less than half of what the CSA requires for years, despite having a very substantial salary.

But someway he still sees himself as the victim. (rolls eyes)

[BlackDaisies]

I'm only going by my own story when I say there are two sides. Of course all the people on here could be lying or exaggerating when they say they are portrayed as a mad ex. I'm not lying. I don't care if people on here believe me or not (except on other places on the site where people have been kind enough to offer support and advice). I care that close friends and family believe me. The point is that experience can't help but give you a different perspective on this discussion, which is simply to be wary when the word bitch is bandied about when talking about an ex. I'm sure there are people whose experience makes them equally wary when women refer to their ex's in equally unpleasant terms. My advice to anyone, men and women, would be to disengage (as in not enter into bitter arguments) be polite and to seek legal advice.

[Lweji]

Mayor, in similar circumstances the advice is to go legal. Always.

Different advice may be given to rape or dv victims, if they are not prepared to, but not by many pps. Most will still advise to go to the police.

Not sure what your point is.

My experience of a man who is not allowed to see his dc is of an abusive twunt. Who complains I don't let him see his child, but shows up unannounced, or is late for contact or doesn't show up without warning, or simply says he can't without asking for alternatives. Whereas between me and the child, we are on time, always give a warning and offer alternatives.
It's one who is more concerned about his rights than about his child.
DS has seen through him.

Not saying it's this case, but I always wonder about men/parents who are not prepared to fight for their children.
Like my exBIL.

[MistressDeeCee]

Well if he doesnt want her putting him in this situation for years he'll have to go to court, wont he? Asw unpleasant as that may be, it isnt going to be anymore unpleasant than the situation he's in now.

[LadyJx]

I look forward to the same advice being given in respect of a victim who doesn't feel she can go to the police or pursue proper channels due to her circumstances.

I apologize, I have lived in an emotionally and psychically abusive relationship with my alcoholic ex husband but I walked without a look back as soon as I realised how this could affect my daughter as she got older, she was 7 weeks old. I may not have worded it that way if her DB was the one who had posted. Either rightly or wrongly I would still think it. And the core of my advise would stay the same seek legal advice. This is not saying take her to court immediately, this is saying explore the various channels of advice that are available to him, find out exactly where he stands and what options he has. That way he can make a more informed choice.

Boney I know that court can be hugely stressful but in my eyes it would be worth it to see my child. I have supported a male friend through a horrific battle which ended in him receiving full custody of his two kids. I don't buy this "it's not as easy as you think" etc. I've witnessed other cases also and none which seem to reflect the experience of three friends of yours. Your account doesn't sit right with me. And FYI a court will only allow a country move if it's in the best interest of the child...

If this is truly the case for your friends, I suggest the next friend uses a different court.

[PhoebeMcPeePee]

I too think the op (& he db) are getting a hard time & people just seem to be taking the MN default of all men are wankers . Some women are cruel enough to use access to torment their ex's & would stop contact purely out of spite.

A close friend of DH's is in a similar position - separated from ex, refusing to formalise access in court because he's scared ex will get even more difficult about contact with dd & stop all contact with her eldest 3 DC who saw friend as dad & we're treated equally as if his own

There is no doubt she is a complete bitch & (IMO) used him to fill a void/father another child when previous ex(s) also left the scene.

We live in a fairly small community, know her family (lovely), went to same school, children go to same school/nursery etc so our view is not just friend's opinion.

Op I really hope you can persuade db to go through the courts as nothing can be worse for parent or child than continual let-down & broken promises and as awful as moving away might sound, he may end up seeing more of DC with holiday access (& actually get to spend some quality time together) .

[MuttonCadet]

I think you need to advise your brother to go to court and self represent.
It's stressful, but the court is there to try and help resolve these issues (he must suggest mediation first, only when she turns this down should it go to court).
I hope he manages to sort it out.

[MistressDeeCee]

Ive lived with same issue for years. My OH has been through untold stress as his ex wont let him see his daughter unless on her terms. Situation worsened when he got together with me. Basically they finished years ago and she just wants to dangle him. Yet she was the one who cheated & SHE left HIM. Her new relationship didnt work out so I guess she is bitter. Not that I waste time wondering how she feels. But this is why I said, take it to court. Finally OH is pursuing this, because the situation becomes impossible to live with & can impact on relationship too. Its no easy thing to live with.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

LadyjX

I could recount more than the Three that I have done. That my "account doesn't sit right" is exactly what I am talking about, they have not been taken at face value (unlike the many "Ex bitches" posts on the thread), all are factual, all happened and all are the truth.

Which court would you have them use?

[Lweji]

the contradiction isn't that the men lie its that the one sided stories from women are on here are believed, it is still one side of the story, you have no way of ratifying whether they are real or not.

The problem here is not that we don't believe she's a bitch. She may well be.

The problem people see with this story is that he hasn't really done all he can for the children to have enough contact with him.

If he complains about her not being reasonable and really wants to see his children in a reliable basis, the legal route is still the best. That's what we always advise women with abusive exs. To keep contact with them to a minimum and get legal back up.

We have the same reaction to a woman who is prevented to see her children by her ex, but hasn't gone to court over it. And advise similarly to women whose exs play havoc with contact arrangements.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

The problem here is not that we don't believe she's a bitch
Some do not believe that she is/could be a bitch. Some have even questioned that if she was abusive why would you leave the child there.
(IMO, is just another form of victim blaming).

"The problem people see with this story is that he hasn't really done all he can for the children to have enough contact with him."

As the story is third hand we don't know if he sees this as a problem, as a shift worker he may realise that his shifts don't make it easy for him to see his children.

There also has to be a shift in a person's focus before they take someone to court for contact.

[LadyJx]

I believe she probably is a notch but I believe he hasn't done what he could/should of to rectify a volatile situation.

I'm not saying I don't believe you saying it doesn't sit right ad there had to be more to the story

[MoominMammasHandbag]

My friend was a bitch ex. She did all she could to be difficult about contact. Her ex DH really loved his boys too.

Problem was, while he had them there were so many incidents like falling in the canal and nearly drowning, getting a nasty burn from Dad's cigarette, getting a scalded foot in the bath, watching age inappropriate films and playing age inappropriate video games and that's without the general crap of rubbish food and stupidly late bedtimes.

Yes he loved them and they loved him but as a Dad he was at best neglectful and at worst bloody dangerous.

Outsiders never know the full story.

[Lweji]

One of my exSILs was also a bitch in that she wouldn't let her ex (my ex-BIL) see their children. Even contact by us and PILs was made difficult.
Apparently it was because he left her for another woman.

Still, I didn't have much respect for exBIL for not seeking contact with the two girls.
He was and has been, AFAIK, a good father for his further four children (by two different women) and nobody in the family understood why he didn't do anything to keep his first two DDs in contact.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

"The problem people see with this story is that he hasn't really done all he can for the children to have enough contact with him."

If that is true, I find that incredible. He is weak for NOT taking her to court. Victim-blaming at its worst, I'm afraid.

If, as you say, LadyJ, "millions" of Dads go to court to 'fight for their flesh and blood', then we have a real problem with an abuse of a system that allows "millions" of resident parents to play God with their children - plus a culture that says the non-resident parent is always the one at fault.

I know men who have been denied fair access to their kids - in two cases, the splits were amicable (initiated by the woman) yet when the men started seeing someone else, access was with-held.

I do know several men who have walked away from their kids without a second glance, but it doesn't make me any less compassionate to those parents who are treated in the way the op's brother has been.

[Lweji]

As compassionate as one feels for victims of continuous crimes, at some point it can be in their hands to minimize it or to do something about the people committing the crime.
If my house is burgled every week and I never report it to the police or increase security measures, I have no chance of the burglaries stopping.
They may still not stop, and each burglary is the full responsibility of the burglars, but I won't be helping myself.
In the same way, if people complain that they can't get a job, but sit and wait for the job to land on their lap, it's not that likely to happen.

In this case, he can choose to pander and jump through hoops for the "bitch" ex, or he can cut as much contact with her as possible and ensure he has legally backed contact with the children. It may turn out to be the solution, as she can continue to be a bitch, but at least he will have done something about it.

But then some people just want a pat on the back, and a there, there, look at how much of a bitch she/he is.

[Lweji]

It may turn out to not be the solution