to think my dB's ex is a total bitch????

[ginmakesitallok]

dB and his ex been split up for about 2 years, she was abusive. She always been very awkward about letting him see his D's, and although we've advised him to take her to court to get access formally sorted out he hasn't. So, today, Christmas day and the bitch wouldn't let him see his son. Happy for him to play Santa, but not willing to let him see his son at all. Am so oooo stopping myself phoning her and telling her what I think of her. It's killing him. How can anyone be so cruel????

[JinglingRexManningDay]

I'm a bitch ex too. I'm the one who took his child and refused to tell him where she is. I'm the one who blocked all contact,I was verbally abusive to him.

I was told that by his now ex dp a few years ago. Guess who's 'the bitch' now.

[oldbaghere]

I do know that parents deny other parents access for no good reason. In my case, I am the parent who was denied this year for the sake of the court order. And yes, I asked to swap with 10 days notice.

Your brother needs to go to court and get access set down. And he needs to stick to that like shit to a blanket.

[oldbaghere]

Sorry I missed a bit out. To me, I was denied access on Christmas Day this year (which yes, I asked a swap of) for no good reason. Yet to my ex his reasons for not swapping are completely valid. And to be fair, I was the one who was wanting to change and not do things by the court order.

In my case, there's a court order, so he's merely sticking to that and I have to suck it up. Next year is my turn for Christmas Day.

[starlight1234]

I think OP may of got a better hearing if she had not used the word bitch.... Sadly it is a common term when you do hear one side of the story...My Ex Mil told me she hoped my son grew up hating me as I didn't want my son to witness him been aggressive. she did apologise though in the end.

No one has mentioned mediation yet? this may work better....Also anyone stops contact for no good reason been taken to court is not one so anyone who stops contact through been taken to court is not doing themselves any favours and will be frowned on by the courts.

[carrotcakeandwine]

I have to admit I was puzzled by the OP's comments that the ex was abusive, yet the father has left the children with her. And that it sounds like he just stopped by without making prior arrangements for visiting on Christmas, which would aggravate me as well.

[bochead]

Given the god awful weather events we've had I'd imagine many working in the emergency services must have had their famliy Xmas's disrupted up and down the country this year. Your brother's ex is a bit selfish if she won't take that into account. From a child's perspective 2 hours with daddy and an explanation is so much better than no contact at all. I'm pretty sure any court or SW would see it that way too - noone plans for a hurricane to ruin Xmas dinner lol!

As a lone parent myself with a couple of stepkids I know first hand that you have to put the kids first, second, and third and that your own feelings often seem not to matter at all in a split. It's really hard to detach your own emotions enough sometimes to see the woods for the trees, and I think having a neutral 3rd party involved can sometimes make ALL the difference.

Having thought about this again, why doesn't your brother suggest mediation in the new year? If it fails, but he has spoken totally in the kids bests interests during the sessions, it'll only work in his favour if he does have to go to court.

If she's threatening to move (without REALLY good reason!) though I'd call her bluff and get a court order preventing that asap, bullying isn't the way to go for the long term emotional health of the kids and the quicker that sort of behaviour is cut off at the knees the better for everyone.

[wonderstuff]

My db's ex limits contact, makes life difficult, he for whatever reason hasn't gone to court, I think that he's scared it will a) make things worse and b)cost lots. I think the worse of it is that the children (both junior school age) get to choose whether to see him or not, which isn't fair because they are disappointing her if they go and him if they don't. I try to keep out, I can't do anything constructive.

There are some difficult mothers out there, she refuses to talk to him, will only talk to my mum, they agree she has them Xmas and he has Boxing Day, she ignored my mums texts until Boxing Day morning, then decided the kids couldn't be picked up til 11, when dn decided they wanted to stay over with their dad she called them to make sure they knew they could change their mind if they wanted (she would come and get would expect my family to drop off), her partner slams the door in my mums face and refuses to talk to her at all when she drops off.

He should go to court, but he won't, best I can do is stay out of it, it frustrates me how much it upsets my mum.

[izzydazzling]

OP, I read some of the replies last night and think you've had a hard time. You were obviously just letting off steam. I think it's unfair to demand both sides of the story - we don't do this for every other post on here. There ARE some nasty women out there, using their children as weapons, just as there are nasty bastards out there who couldn't give a shit about their offspring. What happened to your brother on Christmas Day wasn't very nice and ultimately it'll was the child who lost out and yes, if it happened to my brother I'd be angry too. I think you know it's not a good idea to ring her up and give her a piece of your mind though? It'll just make it harder for DB in the long run.

PS I am probably a bitch ex too, however I know that my ex can say whatever he likes about me but I have never and will never play mind games when it comes to contact.

[carrotcakeandwine]

Sorry, but IMO the problem here IS that you're just getting his side, and ultimately it's not your business. If he wants contact (or more contact) with his DC, then HE needs to sort it - either through mediation or the courts.

You cannot do this for him, you cannot push him to do so. He needs to want it enough to sort it himself. I do not understand families pushing into this type of thing and making it more complicated than it needs to be.

My ex-MIL used to push and push me to give XH more visitation, who (in her opinion) wanted nothing more than to see his DD. She didn't know about his abusive behaviour or the fact that he said he wasn't interested in seeing DD, he just wanted to make sure when we separated that he got the tv and the microwave. No doubt she would have had ready excuses for his behaviour. She told me I was cruel to deny him visits, and I finally had to tell her she needed to speak to him as he hadn't asked for visits (he was far too busy stalking me to worry about visiting his DD). He told her all sorts of bollocks about me refusing to let him see her and threatening to move away, so that she wouldn't question why he didn't have her for visits.

If he wants more visitation, HE needs to sort it. Stay out of it.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

As a starting point perhaps he should speak to someone like Families need Fathers (not to be confused with FFJ). They are a charity that advise men about contact / parental rights etc after a relationship breaks down.
www.fnf.org.uk/home

[LadyJx]

I don't think it matters about sides. There is the legal side and if your brother won't go through it then I have zero sympathy flowers

[LadyJx]

Flowers? Not meant to be there

[MsColour]

I do wonder if those saying that he should take her to court have any experience of going through the court process.

[Shonajoy]

Does she work? I was going to take my ex partner to court but ironically because I didn't qualify for legal aid, i couldn't. Tell him to keep a diary of incidents- of course in her world the not staying the whole day thing will be used against him cos she will just say it would upset the child. Hate bitches like this.

[Shonajoy]

Does she work? I was going to take my ex partner to court but ironically because I didn't qualify for legal aid, i couldn't. Tell him to keep a diary of incidents- of course in her world the not staying the whole day thing will be used against him cos she will just say it would upset the child. Hate bitches like this.

[BlackDaisies]

Another "bitch ex" here who is always wary of believing one side of a story. According to my ex I withhold contact and make up lies about him. (I don't) He talks about taking me to court (but in reality wouldn't) Anyone who disagrees with him is a bitch or mad. My side of the story is rather more frightening, but you'd never know that talking to him. I agree with PP that it's the language you use that would make anyone wary if they've had experience of this situation from the other side.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

So many replies with "I am the bitch ex"

The thing is that other are posters supposed to take your account of what happened as the truth?

Why is the OP's account any different to what you are posting?

Would you be happy with responses of I want to hear the Ex's side?

[Rufustherednosedreindeer]

mscolour I'm guessing not

I agree that there are some "bitches" out there and some "bastards", and that we only ever hear one side of the story, AIBU is the wrong place to post for advice but it sounded like the OP just wanted to vent

Honestly if your brother or sister was talking about problems would you really say "can't comment as I don't know her/his side" or not give any advice?

I say stuff to my family all the time about what I would like to do or say, it's just venting...I'm not going to do it

[Rufustherednosedreindeer]

Cross post boney

[SoWhatDoWeDoNow]

She may well be a 'bitch' but we're only getting one side of the story and OP is understandably biased.

Well, yes. But then again we always only ever get one side of any of these stories, but it never stops us taking things at face value with the all the apparently useless, selfish bastard men involved, does it?

[nocheeseinhouse]

I've been to court. I wasn't expensive, I self represented. It was quite simple. The courts are keen to promote contact. If he hasn't done it, then it's not the 'bitch ex's' fault, it's his.

[NigellasDealer]

thank you cheese my ex always whines to anyone who will listen about how 'always prevented him from seeing his children' but if that had been the case he could have gone to court. but he didn't. so what does that tell you?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Nigella

It tells me your half of the story.

I don't know whether your ex is or isn't doing any of the things that you are posting.

Do you see how it works.

[NigellasDealer]

please boney you don't need to be patronising - yes I 'see how it works' do you?