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AIBU?

to think my dB's ex is a total bitch????

186 replies

ginmakesitallok · 25/12/2013 23:07

dB and his ex been split up for about 2 years, she was abusive. She always been very awkward about letting him see his D's, and although we've advised him to take her to court to get access formally sorted out he hasn't. So, today, Christmas day and the bitch wouldn't let him see his son. Happy for him to play Santa, but not willing to let him see his son at all. Am so oooo stopping myself phoning her and telling her what I think of her. It's killing him. How can anyone be so cruel????

OP posts:

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Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 29/12/2013 17:00

I see what you are saying, but I think people underestimate how difficult - almost unthinkable it is, particularly for working class men, to access the legal system.

I would always urge someone to go the legal route- but whatever the victim decides to do or not to do doesn't change the fact that what the other person is doing is wrong.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 19:55

If, as you say, LadyJ, "millions" of Dads go to court to 'fight for their flesh and blood', then we have a real problem with an abuse of a system that allows "millions" of resident parents to play God with their children - plus a culture that says the non-resident parent is always the one at fault.

I am not disputing this fact. But if you were in OP DB's position what would you do? Just sit back and hope for the best or fight for your right to be a parent to your child?

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/12/2013 20:33

LadyJx

The thing is what do you do when you have your court appointed contact time and the Ex still won't let you see them and still messes you about?

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 20:54

Boney I appreciate that happens at times but my point here is that he hasn't tried to even get to that stage. Come on here an ask for advice and even have a good bitch and a moan about an ex when you have or are doing something about it. But why the hell should someone expect multitudes of sympathy for a man who is sat on his arse doing nothing about it?

I am NOT condoning his ex's behavior and his ex probably is a bitch, but he's not worth his weight as a father either if he is not going to even attempt to resolve the situation through the only channels that seem to be available to him at this stage (IMO of course)

I CANNOT stand men or women who blame their ex for not getting to see their child when in actual fact they haven't made full attempts to do so.

I may get flamed for this comment but how can OP or her DB think things are ever going to get any better if he does nothing?

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/12/2013 21:40

LadyJx

Just because he hasn't done it, doesn't mean that he won't do it.
He may not have got to that stage yet. He might still be at the talking stage of trying to get things sorted.

It is also not him that is moaning on MN it is his DSis

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 22:34

She has already said he doesn't want to go through court as he thinks it might make things worse.

Worse? how can it get any worse?

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/12/2013 23:16

he might not get to see his kids at all.
she might make him have access in a secure place.

LadyJx · 29/12/2013 23:18

And a court will decide he doesn't get to see his kids at all? He isn't getting to see them as it is.

Secure contact is better than none at all.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/12/2013 00:32

he doesn't get to see them often as it is.

And when the secure contact is over and the court says that he sees them every other weekend and possibly once in the week and the ex starts messing around with the access again?

It can be a never ending roundabout of stress.

NigellasDealer · 30/12/2013 00:42

I CANNOT stand men or women who blame their ex for not getting to see their child when in actual fact they haven't made full attempts to do so
same here, or indeed ANY attempts because whinging and blaming other people is so much easier than actually doing anything at all, like. err. parenting?

redshifter · 30/12/2013 01:54

same here, or indeed ANY attempts because whinging and blaming other people is so much easier than actually doing anything at all, like. err. parenting?

I think going to see your DC on Xmas day for a few hours before work, IS an attempt to see them.

It was pre arranged and agreed to.

Perhaps now OP's DB will go the court route but not using the courts as the first resort is hardly unreasonable.

How can you do "parenting" if you are, like, err, stopped from seeing your DC?

NigellasDealer · 30/12/2013 01:58

Perhaps now OP's DB will go the court route
perhaps he will, perhaps he will....

horsetowater · 30/12/2013 02:06

Either go to court or Jeremy Kyle.

LadyJx · 30/12/2013 10:46

Boney You are actually just making up the worst possible scenario and saying it could happen. Well I could walk out the door today and get hit by a bus, however it's not going to stop me from walking out my door is it?

He will never know what will happen unless he goes for it. He might end up with her continuing to call the shots but that is what she is doing now. If she wanted to pull contact she could at any time. Not every woman will ignore a court order.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 10:54

Going back to the OP (where has she gone?) I wouldn't be sending messages to exSIL, but screaming at DB why hasn't he gone legal yet.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 30/12/2013 10:59

"I CANNOT stand men or women who blame their ex for not getting to see their child when in actual fact they haven't made full attempts to do so"

This is appalling victim blaming here.

No mention at all of the resident parent who refuses access for no good reason - the fault ALL rests on the victim who hasn't been able to/has been frightened/ has been hoping things improve/ who can't afford to go to court.

I hope none of you work in domestic violence with that attitude.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 11:00

Also, there are consequences for breaching a court order for contact. For example

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/12/2013 11:54

LadyJx

you asked "Worse? how can it get any worse?"

Not being able to see your children is about as bad as it can get.

Lweji

How many times have you heard of a court enforcing a contact order?

I honestly cannot think of any.

redshifter · 30/12/2013 12:55

Lweji

Contact orders are breached all the time with no consequences. They are never practically enforced.

They try to scare people into complying with them but in reality you can breach a contact order regularly for years and years with no consequences.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 13:19

How many people actually make complaints about breaching of contact orders? And the people who are refused contact, probably wouldn't actually want to have custody of the children anyway, which could be a likely ultimate consequence.

Reading on it, it seems that the law is better regarding this issue, but judges are still not likely to be tough on the subject.

I don't think most people are likely to disobey court orders, particularly if they value their children. But things cannot change if the non-resident parent just keeps sitting on it.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 13:33

Also, family court decisions don't often show up in the news.

This document is interesting in that respect. Punitive measures were given (or threatened) in most cases of hostile non-contact, whilst coparenting support was given in most cases of conflict between parents.

It doesn't have to be about sending the mother (or father) to prison, but ensuring that there is a legal framework and support behind contact, so that the varying moods of the resident parent play a smaller role in contact with the non-resident parent.
It may actually make things easier, as there is less chances for conflict.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/12/2013 14:02

probably wouldn't actually want to have custody of the children anyway,

And you know this how?

Family court decisions don't show up in the news because they are done behind closed doors.

From your link
"To date, however, there has been no research on enforcement to in form policy-?makers about the nature of the cases or the approach of the family courts."

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MuttonCadet · 30/12/2013 15:16

People disobey court orders all the time, they can be reported numerous times and the courts do very little to actually enforce the order.
It's a long painful process and in the meantime the children grow up, and having had very little contact with the NR parent do not generally want more contact after a significant length of time.
At a certain age the children are asked for their opinion.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 16:31

To date, however, there has been no research on enforcement to in form policy-?makers about the nature of the cases or the approach of the family courts.

To date means until the present report. That is what the report is about. Presenting research on enforcement. You should read it all.

Lweji · 30/12/2013 16:35

probably wouldn't actually want to have custody of the children anyway,

And you know this how?

I don't know. I think it's likely, or probable.

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