I don't think I fucking am! someone calm me down!

[teenytinypuppy]

Ugh. I'm furious.

Little tiny back story. Dp and I have been together almost a year, he doesn't live here but stays here a bit.

TWO DAYS AGO we had a really long chat about porn and what was ok and what wasn't in our relationship. I watch it sometimes when I'm alone and I told him I had no problem if he did the same when he was at home. He was surprised by this because he said previous partners have not been tolerant of it at all. I told him I would only be hurt or offended if we moved in together and he was watching it when I was in the house.

So I go upstairs to wake him up just now and give him a cuddle or whatever and he is laying in my bed watching porn on his phone jacking off. In my bed! When I am downstairs!

I feel furious and hurt. Especially because I thought we clarified these things so recently.

I feel perhaps me being so ok with him watching it at home has encouraged him to take the piss. So maybe its my fault. I don't know.

I asked him to leave for a few hours so I can calm down.

I would be upset but I don't approve of or watch porn.

Did he say he was getting in the mood and was planning to call you upstairs?

Or did he wake up with a hard on and didn't want to bother you as you were busy downstairs and just wanted to relieve himself?

well if you watch porn presumably you watch it to, as you put it jerk off
dont you?

"I feel perhaps me being so ok with him watching it at home has encouraged him to take the piss. So maybe its my fault. I don't know. "

It isn't your fault, he has took the piss, count it as a glance of what is to come (if you pardon the pun).

He has ignored the ground rules, it being so early on in the relationship, isn't a good sign.

Who started the conversation about porn? And why?

I really don't understand why he felt the need to do that, tbh and I do watch porn, alone.

OP, you won't get a good reaction on this board, though.

I don't think you can say it's ok to watch it and then have rules about when and where he can watch it. You either do or you don't. Well that's what I think anyway....

I watch it sometimes when I'm alone and I told him I had no problem if he did the same when he was at home

That's what you said but he heard 'No problem'.

YANBU to be upset, no one is BU to be upset you can't help how you feel! In the theory of things though it isn't the worst thing in the world, he probably thought you were too busy or something

I am not sure you can apply rules and conditions like that.

I was too busy down stairs spending Christmas eve morning with my ds before he goes to his dads for CChristmas. Ds could just of easily been the one to walk in on him.

The chat we had was hours long. He started it because he said he was slightly weirded out that I watch porn sometimes, because he had never known a female who admitted that. I fully explained to him that in my opinion watching it when you're alone and in the mood for a quick fix was different than wanking in your partners house.

I'd be annoyed too, there's a difference between watching it alone and watching it when your partner is downstairs and you're choosing porn instead of having sex with them, that's a bit odd

"I don't think you can say it's ok to watch it and then have rules about when and where he can watch it. You either do or you don't. Well that's what I think anyway...."

Really? What happened to the MN rule if "your house, your rules".

The same applies to anything, whether it's putting the milk back in the fridge or having a quick wank, you have respect for the other persons home.

It isn't what the issue is over, it is the dismissing of the OP's wishes and the disrespect.

He has chosen to ignore your wishes, that is what you need to address.

I watch porn, alone or when in a relationship, with my partner.

I've gone up to bed before and found my then partner watching it and I've got in bed and we've made love.

Perhaps that is what he was thinking, you would come up and join in?

Personally, it wouldn't bother me and I would have just got into bed and started love making.

Even if he didn't think you were coming upstairs, he may have just woke up with a hard on and wanted to quickly relieve himself without bothering you.

i think your conversation gave him carte blanche to do as he wanted. you watch porn alone. he watched the porn alone.

what did he say about the jacking off? op

If your DS was going to his Dads, all the more reason to save it.

Is he feeling that he has his feet under the table, so how you feel doesn't count, as much.

Normally you start a relationship (or whatever) mention Porn and start to use it together, not wait for a private moment and go for it (which is a bit sad really, unless you've got pregnancy hormones).

You just gave your partner carte blanche to wank off to porn and now you're upset that he's wanking off to porn. It's quite possible that he's always done that, but you've not caught him before.

There's a lesson in there. Mainly that you can't make an adult behave the way that you want them too.

You can't make an adult behave in the way you want them to?

No of course not but the fact that we are in a relationship surely means we should respect each other's boundaries!

I think this is a red flag, sorry. You had the chat, you agreed on the rules, then as soon as he could, he went and did what you were NOT ok with. On top of that, there's the fact that he thinks it's weird that you do exactly what he does, which would worry me. He thinks women aren't his equals, basically.

I do think some men (and maybe women too, but men IME) see a ground rule as a challenge. They resist any form of being told what to do by a woman, and break the "rule" in order to show they don't do toeing the line. It may be subconscious but it works as a kind of test for you - I'll shit on her rule, will she take it lying down? If so, hey ho, I never have to do what I'm told.

I'm not saying you are "telling" him what to do - as you saw it, you had a discussion and an agreement like an adult - but at some level he sees it like that.

I may be completely wrong but I would tread carefully with this one. Don'y rush into moving in together for example.

And the consensus on here is normally that re porn, you come to an agreement about what is OK for your relationship. The OP thought that's exactly what she was doing, and in many people's eyes her view of porn is quite relaxed.

Unfortunately I think it's a slippery slope from using it together at the start of a relationship to men using it behind their partners back instead of sex. I think that's really damaging (not to mention how horrible most porn is) so therefore I have a black and white approach - no porn of any kind at all. Simples.

Yes and he's shown you that he won't, hasn't he.