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AIBU?

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Original poster

I don't think I fucking am! someone calm me down!

122 replies

teenytinypuppy · 24/12/2013 08:57

Ugh. I'm furious.

Little tiny back story. Dp and I have been together almost a year, he doesn't live here but stays here a bit.

TWO DAYS AGO we had a really long chat about porn and what was ok and what wasn't in our relationship. I watch it sometimes when I'm alone and I told him I had no problem if he did the same when he was at home. He was surprised by this because he said previous partners have not been tolerant of it at all. I told him I would only be hurt or offended if we moved in together and he was watching it when I was in the house.

So I go upstairs to wake him up just now and give him a cuddle or whatever and he is laying in my bed watching porn on his phone jacking off. In my bed! When I am downstairs!

I feel furious and hurt. Especially because I thought we clarified these things so recently.

I feel perhaps me being so ok with him watching it at home has encouraged him to take the piss. So maybe its my fault. I don't know.

I asked him to leave for a few hours so I can calm down.

OP posts:
stubbs0412 · 24/12/2013 09:39

Wolowitz has a point - what is upsetting you? the porn or the masturabation?
You say you were downstairs with your ds, so little or no chance of anything mutual. IMO when you are in a committed relationship and the person is downstairs, he could have controlled himself to wait for you until ds was out. I would be v hurt re the porn as I am v insecure & would not like him "getting off" to someone else's minge!! but in reality most people do it, maybe not to porn, which is distasteful, however I'm not judging those who "enjoy" it.

MadameLeBean · 24/12/2013 09:40

Because it is so easy and "quick fix" it can become addictive and you read often about men who have problems having sex because of it.

jigsawlady · 24/12/2013 09:40

Completely get where your coming from op.

If you're in the house with him it's like he's hiding it from you or would rather jerk off than have sex with you.

I don't mind my partner watching porn or having a wank but to do that rather than have sex with me I'd be really hurt.

Seeing as your son is just about to go to his dads he could have waited and had sex with you later.

FoxyRevenger · 24/12/2013 09:41

I don't think it's that odd. Having a wank and having sex are different things, sometimes I am in the mood for one instead of the other. It's not disrespectful to my husband at all.

Tailtwister · 24/12/2013 09:43

I don't watch or like porn, but in his mind he just heard you say you were OK with it. Of course, using it in your partner's house whilst she is there isn't sticking to the ground rules you set and thought he had agreed to.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but there are different types of sexual gratification. For instance, someone might feel the need for sexual release but not necessarily with their partner. If he's used to obtaining this by using porn, then maybe that's what he was doing. If he was jerking off without the use of porn would you have been so annoyed OP?

Tailtwister · 24/12/2013 09:43

Cross posts Foxy! You put it better than me.

Birdsgottafly · 24/12/2013 09:59

"Unfortunately I think it's a slippery slope from using it together at the start of a relationship to men using it behind their partners back instead of sex. "
"It's not disrespectful to my husband at all."

If that is what you have agreed on, but the OP made it clear that she objected to the use in her house.

Again, if there is a discrepancy in sex drives, then after discussion, then you agree how to overcome that.

But the OP had if been up for sex, once her DS had gone, then it is odd that he's done that, unless he is seeing what she will put up with, then it will just get worse.

He is a BF that stays over, not a DH who is pernemently there, if the OP wants sex, big difference.

We set the ground rules in relationships, if this had of been any other subject matter, the OP would of got a YANBU. He broke the groundrule just after discussing it.

It was doing something that her DS shouldn't of seen, yet he didn't take precautions that, that didn't happen.

There are a few issues going on, I agree it could be a red flag.

SundaySimmons · 24/12/2013 10:06

I think too much can be read into it.

You woke up, went downstairs and attended to your child/housework etc.

He woke up, you weren't there, he had a hard on, felt horny and realised he couldn't call you up because you were with your child, so he started playing with himself, then thought he had better come quickly and turned on his phone to help things along the way!

Original poster
teenytinypuppy · 24/12/2013 10:18

I have never said I have a problem with him masturbating.

I'm annoyed because I told him it would hurt me snd he still did it. Had this happened before our discussion I eoukd probably have reacted far more mildly.

The fact we dont live together does play a part. Ge is going home at two so could have waited til then. Or as has been said my son is leaving at ten thirty so..

I'm really really annoyed at him. Especially because it's our first Christmas as a couple, which we were due to spend with my family. So I basically have to forgive him today.

OP posts:
lollerskates · 24/12/2013 10:43

the fact that we are in a relationship surely means we should respect each other's boundaries!

You keenly watch women being raped and sexually abused. I don't think you get to come over all indignant over boundaries.

MadameLeBean · 24/12/2013 10:47

The fact is that he knew what the agreement was and decided to disregard it which is the main issue here.

Original poster
teenytinypuppy · 24/12/2013 10:47

Clearly if you are totally against porn this is nit a discussion that you should become involved in. Because that's not what is up for discussion ghere.

OP posts:
DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 24/12/2013 10:51

Did you clearly say he can't do it in your home?

Personally I don't see the problem, it's the act of masturbation not the location that usually causes arguments. Whether he's in your bed or his own...

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 24/12/2013 10:53

You keenly watch women being raped and sexually abused. I don't think you get to come over all indignant over boundaries.

Where did OP say she watched that?

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 24/12/2013 10:53

^If you're in the house with him it's like he's hiding it from you or would rather jerk off than have sex with you.

I don't mind my partner watching porn or having a wank but to do that rather than have sex with me I'd be really hurt.

Seeing as your son is just about to go to his dads he could have waited and had sex with you later^

Have you never felt like just having a 'play'. I often do, when I'm bored, when I get in the mood... but I don't alway want sex. I love my partner and love the sex but some alone time is good too. It's nothing to do with shoving you aside and having a wank 'rather than having sex with you', they can be two completely separate things. you don't have to feel hurt about it.

MatryoshkaDoll · 24/12/2013 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatryoshkaDoll · 24/12/2013 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SundaySimmons · 24/12/2013 11:38

If we feel turned on its quite easy to disguise the fact.

Waking up and having an erection is not so easy to dismiss!

At this stage I don't think it's anything to unduly worry about. He is fully aware that he should have controlled his urges more whilst in your home and waited for a chance when you could both be alone together.

However, as this is a first 'offence' as it were, (not an offence in my eyes, I wouldn't have a problem with what he has done), then perhaps put the incident behind you and see how the relationship continues.

May I ask, if you had a weekend round his house and he had some things to do and you were having a lie in, and you felt horny and needed a bit of stimulation, would you perhaps watch a bit of porn on the phone and have a play? It wouldn't seem unreasonable to me to do.

I'm not actually asking you, that was a rhetorical question!

MerryFuckingChristmas · 24/12/2013 11:42

Just out of interest (my distaste about porn users aside) why do you "have to" swallow your annoyance and get on with things as normal ?

You have a choice here. Exercise it. Just like he did. Is his choice more important than yours ?

SheldonsLeftFlipFlop · 24/12/2013 11:44

Having sex and having a wank are 2 very different releases! Sometimes I wake up horny but can't be arsed making the effort to have sex and just want to get myself off as quick as possible. It doesn't replace sex, its just different.

dobedobedo · 24/12/2013 11:45

I don't see what the big deal is. You're okay with it, but not if you're in the same house?

monkeynuts123 · 24/12/2013 11:45

Men are straighforward, he heard it was ok so now it's in your bed. Rather you than me...bleugh.

SundaySimmons · 24/12/2013 11:50

I have just read this ridiculous comment

"You keenly watch women being raped and sexually abused. I don't think you get to come over all indignant over boundaries."

I have met a porn actress. I didn't know she was a porn actress when I was introduced to her. She was a very nice woman, completely ordinary, if that's not being offensive. I met her a few times and it came up in a conversation with another person who was with us and I asked if she didn't mind my talking about it and asking her questions.

Whilst it may not be the same for everyone, and of course some women are caught up in it against their will, her and her friends in the porn industry were a common theme of young women wanting to earn money either for themselves or for their families. They were under no illusions, they didn't do anything they didn't want to do and were not promiscuous outside of their work.

One of the women in the group we were with was very curious and admitted that her social life involved her often having a one night stand.

The porn actress was adamant she would not do that but had friends that enjoyed having sex and did it as a way of getting paid for something they enjoyed. She said there was a lot of camaraderie and genuine friendships made, with many helping each other out with childcare.

Yes, there is a dark underbelly to the porn industry, but there are also women who are able to do a job that provides a service for thousands if not millions of customers. These women are very well paid, insist on hygiene and medical certificates and may only work for the industry for a short time in order to make a lot of money in a short time and then move on.

CaptainHindsight · 24/12/2013 11:55

Men are straighforward

Please don't tar all men with the same disrespectful brush. My DH can listen,take on board what i am saying and act accoridngly. Its a respect thing and it works both ways.

OP- You made yourself clear, he chose not to listen. Thats all i would need to know really.

Joysmum · 24/12/2013 11:56

I'm with the others, I like porn, I like masturbating and I appreciate that my husband is just the same.

However, we have our boundaries of what's acceptable to us and we expect each other to abide by that.

If we are together, we watch porn together. If we don't want full sex, we don't have a problem expressing this and asking each other for a hand without the need to reciprocate because it all evens out eventually.

As others have also said, I think porn is a lazy way to get sexual release without needing to work through deficiencies in a relationship so it's wise to be cautious and watch out for signs of porn and masturbation detracting from having a fulfilling sex life. It's something we, who both have a high sex drive, have worked through over our relationship.

As can be seen on here, there are many different attitudes to all aspects of sex and relationships so it's inevitable that even those who are couples won't agree or fully appreciate the views of the other and this can lead to massive problems down the line unless the couple can be completely open, honest and accepting if how the other feels. We NEVER let our feelings go unexpressed.