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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I fucking am! someone calm me down!

122 replies

teenytinypuppy · 24/12/2013 08:57

Ugh. I'm furious.

Little tiny back story. Dp and I have been together almost a year, he doesn't live here but stays here a bit.

TWO DAYS AGO we had a really long chat about porn and what was ok and what wasn't in our relationship. I watch it sometimes when I'm alone and I told him I had no problem if he did the same when he was at home. He was surprised by this because he said previous partners have not been tolerant of it at all. I told him I would only be hurt or offended if we moved in together and he was watching it when I was in the house.

So I go upstairs to wake him up just now and give him a cuddle or whatever and he is laying in my bed watching porn on his phone jacking off. In my bed! When I am downstairs!

I feel furious and hurt. Especially because I thought we clarified these things so recently.

I feel perhaps me being so ok with him watching it at home has encouraged him to take the piss. So maybe its my fault. I don't know.

I asked him to leave for a few hours so I can calm down.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 25/12/2013 23:14

Get shot. For your well being and your son's.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 26/12/2013 08:46

Hope you are ok, op

You were in the right, you know.

Original poster
teenytinypuppy · 29/12/2013 16:25

I'm back with a little update...

After he ruined my whole xmas by dumping me in a rage and taking all his stuff home on xmas day, I let him come back to talk it over. He apologised etc obviously and said he just lost his temper..

But I haven't really been able to forgive him. I can barely look at him to be honest.

I stumbled upon a support thread for EA relationships on here today and found a link showing behaviours that abusive partners exhibit. He shows at least five and has signs of three more. I showed him the link and told him which ones he does.

He seemed honestly shocked and hurt. I dont know what to think really. Maybe it's just a problem wuth alcohol. Because he is always drunk when the mean or angry stuff happens. He has only had one relationship before when he was a teenager and I'm a good few years older than him.

But where do I draw the line between 'its just his age etc' to 'he's a shitty boyfriend?

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 29/12/2013 16:32

Eh? Was he drunk when he was jerking off to porn when you explicitly requested he didn't?

Um, you've been going out with him for less than a year and he shows several signs of being abusive.

He is a shitty boyfriend and you don't have to put up with him.

NewYearsHeave · 29/12/2013 16:32

You were handed a 'get out' by him when he walked out.

If you let him back in, he'll do the same again, but this time you'll be the co-author of your own misery as you've gone into it with your eyes open knowing what he's like.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/12/2013 16:33

You don't. You have an ex-Bf and move on.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 29/12/2013 16:57

There have been a lot of posters on here recently trying to get a rise out of us. Your situation is such that you are either one of those posters or it is that bad you need to get out of this relationship now. Only you know which it is of course.

If you aren't trying to get a rise out of us and it is this bad, then you need to open your eyes. Your Ex (DS's Dad) has abused you so badly, you can't see what is happening here. You have been with him less than a year and he has shown you plenty of signs that he is not a decent bloke - get out now before this gets anymore complicated (ie living together/have a baby together) and read read read as much as you can about spotting the signs earlier and improving your self esteem/confidence so you attract a different type of bloke in the future.

You and your son deserve much much better than this.

Tell him to go home, wank all he likes and to leave you the hell alone.

justmyview · 29/12/2013 17:12

Wow, this thread has moved on ...........

Read some stuff by Lundy Bancroft, then see if you wish to continue in this relationship

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2013 17:16

do any posters in awful situations actually leave/end the relationship any more ?

it doesn't seem like it to me

they just keep on asking for more and more, and more, awful treatment

it's very hard to believe that women really do think they can do no better than this shit, and keep on excusing such awful behaviour again and again

LividofLondon · 29/12/2013 19:18

"do any posters in awful situations actually leave/end the relationship any more?"

Why, because they don't dump their partners the minute MN posters tell them to? Confused Thoughts of ending a relationship can take a while to process; it's easy to tell others to LTB but not quite so easy for the person in the relationship.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 29/12/2013 19:43

So everyone who is a certain and pissed can abuse their partner then and they have to take it? No? There's your answer then.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 29/12/2013 19:58

You draw the line here and you start the new year with a lovely fresh approach to life, without him.

(He is pushing your boundaries further and further, btw, in case you can't see it. He's waiting for you to draw a line and say 'no - each time you take him back and forgive him, he sees the green light to escalate his behaviour further).

happytalk13 · 30/12/2013 19:06

He's appearing "shocked and hurt" to keep up the "I'm really a good guy, I just get angry sometimes" lie. Shocked and hurt response isn't taking responsibility for his actions - what his response IS doing is shifting the blame to you - you've shocked and hurt him by reading an EA thread, going to read the links and then equating that behaviour to him.

I've been there, I've done that - and when you back down (yet again) he'll know this is a great tactic for the next time he's an abusive, nasty bastard.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 30/12/2013 19:30

Alcohol lowers inhibitions.

drunk people are honest people.

do not fool yourself that he doesnt mean what he says when drunk.

it is when drunk that you show your true self.

Koothrapanties · 30/12/2013 20:19

I think some posters are being a bit overly pushy on this thread. It is up to the op what she does now. We invest a lot into relationships and it's hard to just end them. Op I think you have been really strong to show him the stuff on EA, do you honestly think he will change because of it? If the answer is no then I would really be thinking about what to do next. Just know that you are definitely worth being treated with respect.

monkeynuts123 · 30/12/2013 20:29

OP what do you think you need to do next?

Original poster
teenytinypuppy · 31/12/2013 17:39

I wrote all the EA stuff down for him to read.

We have had a long talk where I was honest and brutal. I'm jist seeing how it goes at tb moment. He has obviously promised to change... I don't think I'm going to end it this time. But I'm not pretending this isn't serious or brushing it under the carpet.

OP posts:
gimcrack · 31/12/2013 19:22

Don't let yourself be badly treated.

paxtecum · 31/12/2013 19:31

OP: sometimes they are incapable of changing.

Considering that he is worse when he has been drinking, is he willing to stop drinking?

Put yourself and your DC first.
Takee care and best wishes to you.

monkeynuts123 · 31/12/2013 20:01

Sorry it's boring to present all the evidence that he's a twat and take all this advice and then carry on with him. Dull.

happytalk13 · 01/01/2014 03:56

Bit uncalled for, monkey.

OP - don't let your twat radar turn off and I hope it all works out.

appletarts · 01/01/2014 08:25

Maybe but sometimes you read something and you just Know it's not going to end well, and this is one of them.

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