I don't think I fucking am! someone calm me down!

[teenytinypuppy]

Ugh. I'm furious.

Little tiny back story. Dp and I have been together almost a year, he doesn't live here but stays here a bit.

TWO DAYS AGO we had a really long chat about porn and what was ok and what wasn't in our relationship. I watch it sometimes when I'm alone and I told him I had no problem if he did the same when he was at home. He was surprised by this because he said previous partners have not been tolerant of it at all. I told him I would only be hurt or offended if we moved in together and he was watching it when I was in the house.

So I go upstairs to wake him up just now and give him a cuddle or whatever and he is laying in my bed watching porn on his phone jacking off. In my bed! When I am downstairs!

I feel furious and hurt. Especially because I thought we clarified these things so recently.

I feel perhaps me being so ok with him watching it at home has encouraged him to take the piss. So maybe its my fault. I don't know.

I asked him to leave for a few hours so I can calm down.

I can see why you are upset, but I honestly don't think it's that big a deal. He was horny, you weren't available, he had a wank. It probably didn't occur to him to wait, he probably thought - I need to get rid of this!

I have to say, that the notion of 100% perfect relationship, is very odd. That is setting standards that are impossible to keep up with, but it really depends on what the annoyances are. 95% is fine, as long as the 5% isn't abusive or aggressive.
I have lived for 20 years with a wonderful husband, but there is no way I would say that everything is 100% perfect, but the bits that aren't perfect, either aren't that bad, or aren't that important.

To the posters who have said it's not a big deal, that he was horny etc. That would be just fine if they had not had a conversation where the op had made it crystal clear what was ok and what wasn't. He then went against that. It really doesn't matter what the reason for it was, he did something that they agreed together wasn't ok. Simple.

Op you don't sound happy at all. I would really think about whether you want to continue in the relationship. It doesn't sound like you do. It won't make you happy to be in a relationship just to avoid being wrong or alone.

I can see why you are annoyed but perhaps you weren't strong enough in what you said - because it him it sounded like it was ok as long as it wasn't in front of you all the time.

Say again that you don't mind if in theory he watches porn but you will be upset if you ever see it again.

Who has given you this information that his ex is a psycho ? Him ?

Once porn is brought into the relationship, it muddies the waters IMO - it tends to be a lazy way out, especially when used because the person "can't be arsed" to make an effort to engage with their partner physically (there are loads of great ways of sexual gratification if one person wants it, and the other doesn't). Porn goes hand in hand with "I can't be arsed to give a shit about your opinion/sensitivities/preferences - hey you use it, what are you moaning on about?".

Same side of the coin I think.

It's sometimes known as "espoused theory" versus "theory in use" - i.e. there is a gap between what you say is OK and what you really feel and believe is OK.

When push comes to shove, I bet you anything that you would rather he doesn't use porn full-stop.

mostwicked - as long as the 5% of 'not-perfect' things don't create such a compromise that they become a deal-breaker.

if the 5% of "not perfect" doesn't involve lying, gaslighting, name calling and disrespect then perhaps you might have a point, MW

I mean, we are not talking leaving the loo seat up here, are we ?

Merry the toilet seat is a deal-breaker he just keeps on ignoring me

Which is exactly what I said about whether the 5% is either not that bad or not that important. And I made it clear that the 5% could not be abusive.
It is up to everyone individually to decide where the lines are. For me, that wouldn't be a problem, for others, it would.

Listen OP your anger is justified and it isnt just about today.

You need to get shot of him. How are you going to do it? Talk us through your plan.

He cannot be trusted
He lies
He disrepects what you have said
He says what you want to hear then blatantly goes against it - he is seriously testing the waters here, it's angry stuff, he's not a nice person.

I would wager he hates women and you register very low indeed on his respect scale.

He's around your little boy who will already on some level be aware of this.

Please get rid of him and don't make him your problem. You are SO on the right track, just keep going and don't stop till he's out of your lives for good.

take care xx

Oh and anyone with a 'crazy psycho ex' is very likely indeed to be a crazy psycho themselves.

Has your boyfriend any children of his own and any experience of "step parenting?" I ask as I think it is out of order to be wanking off in such an accessible place when there is a small child wandering about. The OP is right when she said the child could have been the one to walk in.

BTW you don't have to forgive him today. If you are finishing things, just do it now.

Every single time I have read on here about as man saying they had a psycho ex it turned out the man was abusive.

Just get rid of this twat.

You are having doubts, your child doesn't need to be around this wanker.

Rooney, not very fair, that last comment. I know plenty of lovely people who've had relationships with dodgy people at one time or another.

OP I agree with happytalk, is he trying to see how far he can push you? I'd suggest moving on too I'm afraid, but do it when it suits you to.

YANBU, you had a discussion about certain boundaries in your relationship and then two days later he went and violated those boundaries.

It sounds like there are other issues with disrespect (the lying, being mean) so perhaps this will be the straw that breaks the camels back.

You caught him, his ex caught him. I'm wondering if he likes the risk of getting caught. If you'd told him you had no problem with it at all, there'd have been no risk and less exciting for him.

What was his reaction when you caught him? Did he immediately stop? Did he keep going? What did he say while you were going off at him?

If it's not the risk that he loves, it could simply be that he forgot. He woke up in a bed alone and horny and decided to deal with it. Your feelings weren't relevant compared to his need for release.

I honestly don't see the problem of him wanking to porn, wheher in his home or yours. it's not like it means he doesn't find you attractive and sexy. I think it's totally unrelated. I regularly ( as in every couple of nights) watch porn, both hetero and girl on girl, and have a cheeky wank myself. oh will do the same, sometimes we wank simultaneously, other times we watch together and then shag. it's just cc a means of stimulus.

don't let it ruin a relationship which is otherwise good. he may have a really high drive. let him get on with it or join in.

I read your post and then went away to have a think. I have a complicated relationship to porn so it muddied my thoughts. My previous partner had gone to a prostitute a couple of times, used porn, did things I didn't like with me sexually, and generally left me feeling disrespected. My current partner doesn't do any of those things, so, perversely I wouldn't be so upset if I did walk in on him...but he never would. Therefore it seems to me this is about mutual respect and feeling respected. You felt you clearly told him your boundaries, so either he misunderstood or didn't, i.e. does he or doesn't he respect you?

Thanks for all your replies. Didn't want to read them and not respond.

I'll have a think over Christmas and come back to respond to some of the points raised.

Merry Christmas all :)

You gave him an inch, he took a mile.

And btw, I avoid anyone who describes their ex's as crazy psycho's. Because I know there's a good chance that in a few months he will be telling everyone that I am a crazy psycho! (By the time it's been round the pub, you'll be the crazy psycho who watches porn all day.)

KoTinkabell - so sorry. I didn't mean that, exactly - I too have had my fair share of odd partners.

It's just that sometimes it can be a red flag when a person is displaying some odd behaviours anyway and happens to mention that their ex was a psycho and that everything that went wrong in the relationship was their ex's fault.

That sort of thing. Hope that makes sense. I certainly didn't mean to imply that anyone who has ever dated someone dangerous/crazy etc also must be crazy. It goes without saying that that wouldn't make any sense.

I though we sorted it out. But we are having a huge argument now. He just lost his temper and threw his jumper at me and yelled lots. He has gone for a walk now at my request...

OP finish with this man, for your sake and your son's. It was a jumper this time what will it be next time?

For the hard of understanding on this thread it's not the porn but the fact that the OP stated her boundaries and he went and trampled all over them, completely ignored them. He has no respect for you OP and in this case the 'crazy psycho ex' is a big red flag too.