Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I fucking am! someone calm me down!

122 replies

teenytinypuppy · 24/12/2013 08:57

Ugh. I'm furious.

Little tiny back story. Dp and I have been together almost a year, he doesn't live here but stays here a bit.

TWO DAYS AGO we had a really long chat about porn and what was ok and what wasn't in our relationship. I watch it sometimes when I'm alone and I told him I had no problem if he did the same when he was at home. He was surprised by this because he said previous partners have not been tolerant of it at all. I told him I would only be hurt or offended if we moved in together and he was watching it when I was in the house.

So I go upstairs to wake him up just now and give him a cuddle or whatever and he is laying in my bed watching porn on his phone jacking off. In my bed! When I am downstairs!

I feel furious and hurt. Especially because I thought we clarified these things so recently.

I feel perhaps me being so ok with him watching it at home has encouraged him to take the piss. So maybe its my fault. I don't know.

I asked him to leave for a few hours so I can calm down.

OP posts:
FraidyCat · 24/12/2013 11:57

My guess is that he thinks you (and his previous GFs) are barking on the subject of porn, and your belief that you had an agreement was based on him smiling and nodding while mentally resolving not to get caught.

I also think it is a bit odd to be very upset about him doing something when alone in your house that you don't mind him doing in his house.

If I'm right about the smiling and nodding, he's obviously more tolerant/less controlling than you, or values the relationship more, as he's not making the relationship contingent on the other person sharing his views/values 100%.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 24/12/2013 11:57

SS, I think you misunderstand some people's distaste of the porn industry.

I don't hold it against the women that actually do it. I wouldn't shun them, spit at them or think they were anything more or less "ordinary" as you put it. They are not a different class of woman.

Only people that objectify women think in that way. Porn users, that is.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 24/12/2013 12:08

I wouldn't be impressed if my bf were watching porn in my bed while I was sorting out my son.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 24/12/2013 12:10

I wonder if previous partners haven't been so 'tolerant' because he did things like this.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 24/12/2013 12:12

Of course

Op has been set up to be "more tolerant". It's quite obvious when you look at it from the outside.

It's like those blokes who say "my ex is crazy" then you find out later down the line she was perfectly justified in that and now you are the crazy one

Original poster
teenytinypuppy · 24/12/2013 13:11

All of you who said you would be fine with this are married and live with your husband. I even told dp in our chat that if we lived together I would think differently about this topic because I do think it is unreasonable to deny your husband the right to masturbate in his own home.

The reason I am VERY upset is because I explicitly told him I would be very hurt if he did this in my house while I was here. And he agreed that it would be disrespectful but still did it

Oh and for the record his 'crazy psycho ex' also caught him waking in her bathroom watching porn on her laptop. So I'm not the furdt person who has kicked off about this. Which adds to my rage.

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 24/12/2013 13:19

Yes, I thought his ex would be a "crazy psycho"

OP, I think you should start taking a closer look at this man you are allowing to trample all over your boundaries.

SundaySimmons · 24/12/2013 13:20

That's a valid point about him not living in your home and being a guest, but to be honest, it still wouldn't bother me unless he was doing it all the time. A one off wank over porn whilst you were busy elsewhere in the house is ok in my opinion.

Would you feel differently if he done the same thing whilst you were taking your son to school or had nipped out to the shops?

Not sure about the ex girlfriend comment, if this is an occasional use of porn or he is covering up a more intense liking for porn, in which case an addiction of any kind can cause problems.

Original poster
teenytinypuppy · 24/12/2013 13:22

Lately I have been wondering about him. It's been a very long time since I allowed myself to get close to anyone. He seems very sweet and loving but his actions regularly contradict his sweet words.

I'm probably having trouble believing that this might not work out. Maybe that's why I'm so so angry about this one thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
teenytinypuppy · 24/12/2013 13:24

It's not the porn or the wanking I'm annoyed with! It's the fact he deliberately and selfishly did something that he knew would hurt me!

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 24/12/2013 13:25

His actions regularly contradict his (empty) words ?

And still you think you should STFU for an easy life ? Don't you think you can speak up about this ? You don't owe him anything at all.

When someone tells you what they are, the right thing to do is to listen

CaptainHindsight · 24/12/2013 13:30

He seems very sweet and loving but his actions regularly contradict his sweet words.

Regularly? well that shatters the "one off wank" theory then.

When someone tells you what they are, the right thing to do is to listen

^ this a thousand times over. There is no place for disrespect in a relationship.

Original poster
teenytinypuppy · 24/12/2013 13:31

Just stupid stuff. Like he gets drunk or angry and says things he doesn't mean. And he lies a lot about small things that I don't even know why he would lie about. I was in a horrible abusive relationship for seven years with ds's father. Which is why I don't think I can let myself believe I have been so stupid as to let it happen again .

Honestly 95 percent of the time he is an angel.

OP posts:
MerryFuckingChristmas · 24/12/2013 13:36

5% lying, disrespectful twat is 5% too much

You deserve to have someone in your life who never does those things. Do you ever treat him like that ?

if your ex was 10/10 abusive, it doesn't mean that someone who is 2/10 is a good bet

MerryFuckingChristmas · 24/12/2013 13:37

he is an "angel" imbetween the disrespectful twat episodes to keep you on the hook, and ^hooked6 you are if you are at the stage of STFU for an easy life

it's easy enough to sort though

give him the push, it's the best present for 2014 you could give your self respect

CaptainHindsight · 24/12/2013 13:40

Teeny Just because he is better than the last one doesn't mean he is the only one.

You deserve the right to 100% honesty and mutual respect in a relationship, those are pretty much the fundamentals IMO.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 24/12/2013 13:49

I don't expect your ex started off at full throttle 10/10 either, did he ?

Early warning signs. Take heed, love.

peggyundercrackers · 24/12/2013 14:03

sorry i dont see the difference - you are happy to watch it in your house but he cant - whats good for the goose is good for the gander comes to mind... the long and short of it is your controlling. i can imagine the reastion on here if it was a man telling a woman what she can/cannot do in his house.

i would be more worried about how he was going to clean up the mess, was he just going to wipe it on your covers then leave?

XmasLogAndHollyOn · 24/12/2013 14:03

I treat any man describing his ex as a psycho as a huge red flag.

Generally an ex becomes a "psycho" from the moment they stop putting up with their shit, or the man cheats on them and strings them along.

Original poster
teenytinypuppy · 24/12/2013 14:09

Peggy you're missing the point. It's my fucking house. I wouldn't do something in his house he explicitly told me not to. And also, I wouldn't dream of watching porn in my own house if he was downstairs because it seems so seedy and secretive.

I'm starting to think she wasn't a psycho after all. Seems like he deserved a lot of the shit she gave him

OP posts:
SundaySimmons · 24/12/2013 14:22

Never believe the description a new partner gives of his ex.

GoldfishCrackers · 24/12/2013 14:36

Well done for asking him to give you some time to process this. Regardless of what the issue is/what everyone else feels about porn/wanking in your bed, you told him it would hurt you and he agreed not to do it.
Don't feel like you have to make peace just to smooth things over and have a Hallmark Christmas.
He sounds like he is walking all over your boundaries. The "psycho ex" comments, the lying, the saying one thing and then doing the very thing that you told him was hurtful. I cannot see this ending well.
What sort of thing does he say when he's drunk/angry?

monkeynuts123 · 24/12/2013 15:00

His initials aren't HJ are they???? I once knew a twat just like this one. Needless to say I gave him the boot.

sashh · 24/12/2013 15:10

I don't think you can say it's ok to watch it and then have rules about when and where he can watch it. You either do or you don't. Well that's what I think anyway...

Bollox

It's like smoking, drinking, drug taking, meat eating - lots of things that people are quite happy for their friends / partners / family to do in some situations and not at others.

happytalk13 · 24/12/2013 15:25

Leaving the whole porn debate aside:

You had the discussion.
You made yourself clear.
He ignored you.

He's shown you who he is.

Oh and also - his ex is a psycho? Yeah, I was married to one of them, his ex was a psycho too....and now I am...go figure.

Swipe left for the next trending thread