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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let grandparents see grandson over christmas

136 replies

wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 09:17

Split up with my ex in early november. Domestic violence. Police, solicitors, social worker, domestic violence advocate and therapist involved. All are backing me.

I was advised to stop contact altogether with ds dad as he was extremely emotionally abusive. Not just to me, to my kids also - his son included.

He breached his non molestation order and is up on trial in janurary.
Although we are hoping it falls through as there is too much against him.
Everyone will state they want the non-mol kept in place.

Only ive had his parents contact me via a solicitor asking to see ds over christmas.

I feel awful about this. His mother did threaten that i would never see my son again when they took him from me for three days.
This has left me somewhat worried and im having nightmares about every which way he can be taken from me.
Exes parents coming to see my son is one way they could take him.

I know if they did i would get him straight back, but it was far too traumatic the first time. I cant put myself or my dc through that again.

So would i be being unreasonable if i didnt allow contact to take place?

Not at least until i have gotten over them taking my ds.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 22/12/2013 20:29

I would be seeing if the non-mlestation order could be extended to the gp's as well. They have alrady threatened you once

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 21:36

Thank you all. You have all given great advise.

I am going to speak to solicitors tomorrow to tell them no contact will be taking place due to their threats in the past.
I will also be telling my sol that i no longer want to hear from them, and to ask if i can have the non mol extended on to them too.

I very much doubt that will happen - but there is no harm in trying.

In the meantime. Im going to try my hardest to be happy this christmas. These nightmares really taking it out of me and so ive been quite stressed recently. Which i hate.
Im usually calm and patient. I havent been neither of the two the past week and it kills me for the kids sake.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 23/12/2013 00:46

It would be unusual to have more that one person prohibited from actions on one none mol, it would be more normal to do a separate application (if unrepresented it costs £75 in court fees but exemptions based on income exist and so far are not subject to the same rules as legal aid).

If your solisiter won't do it under your existing legal aid cert it may be worth asking if as its a different matter (thats the only reason he wouldnt do it under the LA)if the firm offer a free clinic could you have an appointment and get them to fill in the form you take it to court with any fees remission evidence (evidence of all income dated within the last month inc CB and CSA you need to evidence everything 3 months bank statements ID if your not on out of work benefits you will also need proof of rent costs and childcare.) and then wait for a court date and self rep. You can have a friend or support worker come with you but they won't be able to talk for you.

When you talk to your solisiter start off prepared make a note of wrong doings on the gp's behalf but keep it as precise and as unemotional as you can the better you remain on track the more useful the appointment will be.

Oh and FYI breaches should be dealt with via the police not your solisiter (unless you do not have a power of arrest attached and that would be most unusual) it would be down to the cps to decide if there was enough evidence of a breach and the would take it forward to court so your legal aid is not an issue, criminal court (that's who deal with breaches) also have to power to extend or vary non mols so you could very well end up walking out of court with a much longer extension.

Its 999 for a direct physical breach or if your in fear because he's doing something now but 101 for a none direct none physical breach.

I.e he's outside your house or claims to be and you are frightoned, he's following you,he's threatening you in person, he's creating intimidating drama at nursery in your presence are all 999

Telephone written or inciting third parties to contact would usually be 101

But if in doubt and your not sure its better to dial 999 than end up injured without dialling anyone.

sashh · 23/12/2013 06:58

YANBU.

Think of it this way, why would you hand your child to a kidnapper? That's what they are threatening.

Can you get an order against them too?

Preciousbane · 23/12/2013 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 09:14

Thank you sock that was very informative Smile

Thats a very good idea about using the free time with sol to fill out the forms!

Thank you all so much for your advise and support. It is all very much appreciate!

I hope you all have a wonderful christmas!

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 14:05

Solicitors just been on the phone. Asking of "no" was definitely what i meant??

What else could no mean. But anyway...

Apparently grandmother had rang and they told her this and she hung up on them.
I feel awful.

The solictor says she has been hounding the office.

OP posts:
picklesrule · 23/12/2013 14:11

I don't know much about this kind of thing but can you not tell your solicitor that the answer is no and will always be no unless you advise otherwise so therefore not to tell you when they call asking for contact?

You have nothing to lose trying to extend the Non mol either.. and you definitely should NOT be feeling awful! These people sound horrific..they kidnapped your son!! keep them well away and do not feel guilty you are not in the wrong.

mrsjay · 23/12/2013 14:15

please do not feel guilty I know you are because it is Christmas but these people are not safe with your wee boy,

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 14:16

Thank you. Ivr just been on phone to my therapist and he says exactly what you have just said.
He is now phoning somebody to sort something out. Not sure if its my solicitor or not.

I will find out when he calls me back.

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 14:17

Thank you. Ivr just been on phone to my therapist and he says exactly what you have just said.
He is now phoning somebody to sort something out. Not sure if its my solicitor or not.

I will find out when he calls me back.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 23/12/2013 14:18

Least you have his support and he can speak on your behalf without the guilt,

Thecircle · 23/12/2013 14:20

You are being very strong op and doing absolutely the best thing for your children.

You feel awful because you are a reasonable human being, just remember your ex and his family clearly aren't.

I hope you have a peaceful christmas and new year, keep your chin up and whenever you feel like having a wobble say to yourself "I'm doing the right thing"

Use the support you have from agencies involved and do not let these people get you down. You've come this far so keep going x

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 14:20

Thats the one.

This is my problem and why i need a therapist.
I try and base my decisions on what everyone else wants, rather than myself.
More often than not, i make myself feel ten times worse!

I need to trust my own decision and stick to it!

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 14:21

Thank you thecircle i hope you have a great christmas too x

OP posts:
mrsjay · 23/12/2013 14:22

I know you have probably been told this but make the decision for your son it is the only way imo,

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 14:28

You're right mrsjay and i feel this is the best decision for my ds at this moment in time

OP posts:
mrsjay · 23/12/2013 14:45

this is for his wellbeing and ATM his grandparents do not have his best interests at heart I hope they can calm bloody well down and see that you are not doing it to be nasty or cruel, you and your son have been through too much all caused by Their son.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 14:56

Omg. I have just phoned the solicitors to tell them i do not want to hear any messages from his side of the family again.
She then responded with "she has just been on the phone again asking if she can come to your house. I told her no and said she can drop them off at the offices and she said no"

What part of i dont want to hear anymore did she not understand!!!!

Anyway, she said she cant say yes or no to that as it is down to my actual solicitor who isnt back until january. It was my sols receptionist i was speaking to.

OP posts:
IDontDoIroning · 23/12/2013 15:20

Dear solicitors
my son's paternal grandparents collected my son from nursery on xx date. They prevented him from having contact with me and stated at the time they would obtain residence and would prevent him from seeing me again. This continued for 3 days which in a child if his age is a long time. They also said things about me which he found to be upsetting. Eventually he was returned to my care in the proviso that they would not do this again as long as they could have contact with him.
For this reason I do not feel that contact for my son with his grandparents is in his best interests at the present time.

Please advise them accordingly.

Regards

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 19:17

Thank you idontdoironing Smile

OP posts:
cjel · 23/12/2013 19:50

It took me ages after being in a bad relationship to trust my opinions on anything -Even If I wanted to buy chocolate I would get both bars because Ididn't know which one I liked!!

I think the more you practice doing what you want and finding that your choices are right you will very quickly find that it becomes second nature.
When you think about what is right for your dc that you will gain confidence.

Your gut feeling about this is right so that shows that you should be able to start to trust your own opinionsx

Mammagaga · 23/12/2013 19:57

Yabu - to even ask if yabu... I'd never ever ever ever let them near any of my kids again if it were me, I'd also make sure the nursery are aware not to allow them near the place...

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 23/12/2013 20:18

Thank you cjel that helps a lot to know im not alone.

It makes me feel a bit shit knowing im questioning everything. Its good to hear others have been through this process too.

So far my decisions have been ok. I just need to trust myself, and stop being so scared to be assertive.
I guess after not being allowed to be for so long, im bound to be unsure when it comes to the crunch of assertiveness.

I will get there. Just a little patience and practice.

mammagaga there is nothing the nursery can do at the minute.
Thanks for the reassurance :-)

OP posts:
cjel · 23/12/2013 20:20

You will definitely get there, it is such early days and you are starting to already!!! just don't get fed up when you wobble!!!!