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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let grandparents see grandson over christmas

136 replies

wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 09:17

Split up with my ex in early november. Domestic violence. Police, solicitors, social worker, domestic violence advocate and therapist involved. All are backing me.

I was advised to stop contact altogether with ds dad as he was extremely emotionally abusive. Not just to me, to my kids also - his son included.

He breached his non molestation order and is up on trial in janurary.
Although we are hoping it falls through as there is too much against him.
Everyone will state they want the non-mol kept in place.

Only ive had his parents contact me via a solicitor asking to see ds over christmas.

I feel awful about this. His mother did threaten that i would never see my son again when they took him from me for three days.
This has left me somewhat worried and im having nightmares about every which way he can be taken from me.
Exes parents coming to see my son is one way they could take him.

I know if they did i would get him straight back, but it was far too traumatic the first time. I cant put myself or my dc through that again.

So would i be being unreasonable if i didnt allow contact to take place?

Not at least until i have gotten over them taking my ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 09:48

Thank you all. I am going to stick to my guns.
I am going to just ignore the contact letter from my solicitor.

Im going to fully concentrate on a happy christmas for my children.
If they want contact. They know where the courts are.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSanta · 22/12/2013 09:50

God, no, not after what they did.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 09:54

disgrace - that is what i thought. I thought this was classed as indirect contact and so breaching the non-mol. Only my solicitor states that contact via a solicitor about contact was allowed.

But this was BEFORE he breached the non mol.

Surely, now he is on bail with bail conditions which repeat what the non mol states - only without the contact...doesnt this change things?
I have asked my solicitor and she says its allowed since its contact arrangements. which i dont understand

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 09:55

It is harrassment in a sense. I dont know how many times my solicitor has phoned me saying GP has been on the phone asking who the social worker is, GP has been on phone wanting to know this and that. GP has been on phone asking about contact. GP has been on phone asking for contact over christmas.

OP posts:
Tmrgl · 22/12/2013 10:04

YANBU Twenty years ago I was in a similar position. The GPs were shocked into some appalling behaviour when they realised that my DS was going to be resident with me.
As it worked out he (at age 5 and with the backing of CWO) broke off contact with his father and therefore with my XILs. Over the years my XBIL facilitated reconciliation of DS with his GPs and he values those relationships. It took a years, they should be willing to be patient (and you may eventually have to be in the same room as them - but not yet)

WelshMaenad · 22/12/2013 10:30

His non mol doesn't prevent them asking for contact for themselves, it's only a breach if the non mol specifically states contact through a third party AND they are referencing him in their communication (ie, X is super sorry and loves you and would you meet at our house to talk, etc).

YANBU in the slightest to refuse contact in the circumstances.

Do you have a residence order in respect of your son?

loveolives · 22/12/2013 10:36

Do not even respond. Cunts!

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 10:37

Thank you for sharing your experience Tmrgl
You are right. They should be willing to wait considering all that has gone on. They must understand my worries and concerns.

Thanks welsh i see what you mean.
No i dont have a residence order. I have been advised to not try and get one yet as the courts may arrange for supervised contact then.
With me having all the back up needed - social services mostly. I was told to just leave it for now.

I know social services are doing something to get something in place so i can put my son into nursery without the worry of him being taken.
Hopefully my ds will be back into nursery in january

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 22/12/2013 10:41

How worrying for you. I agree, no it's just not worth the risk.

octopusinasantasack · 22/12/2013 10:45

Can it be arranged with social services that they have supervised contact? If not then I'd say forget it.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 10:52

I dont think they would be able to arrange that in such a short space of time.
I got the letter on friday.
Christmas eve on tuesday.

Ah they can sod off. We deserve a peaceful christmas. Him and his family have put us through enough over the past 2 months.
Well him...the past 4 years!

Im not going to allow myself to feel guilty. Its probably been there way of trying to ruin my christmas with guilt.
Why not try and arrange this ages ago. Why a few days before christmas? Stupidity

OP posts:
mrsjay · 22/12/2013 10:57

please do not let these horrible people see your son they have no rights ask your solicitor for legal advice but imo there is no way I would allow them near my child it is not about their rights it is about your sons rights not to be abused emotionally by idiots

YouTheCat · 22/12/2013 11:10

Nursery should not be releasing your ds to anyone you have specified they shouldn't and certainly shouldn't be letting him go off with someone just because they turn up and say they are GPs unless it is arranged. So if you don't want GPs to pick him up they should abide by that.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 11:12

His dad has PR so he can tell them. I also worry that he goes to pick him up as they definitely cant stop him at the minute.

I have kept my ds off from nursery for over a month now.
Im hoping SS have something in place for nursery reopening in jan

OP posts:
ThreeWisePerpendicularVinces · 22/12/2013 11:13

You are definitely not being unreasonable, I wouldn't let them anywhere near him. In my mind, they lost their right to any kind of consideration when they abducted your child.

Don't be so concerned about their rights that you neglect your own.

Noctilucent · 22/12/2013 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay · 22/12/2013 11:16

it all sounds such chaos I hope you can get your son back to some kind of normality in the new year and you can feel safe and secure with your children .

WelshMaenad · 22/12/2013 11:30

I really hope you can enjoy a lovely peaceful Christmas with your children and put this all out if your mind for the festive season.

Do you have adequate support over Christmas, have you been given all the relevant phone numbers for support out if hours if your DV advocate office is closed, etc?

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 22/12/2013 11:33

I wouldn't even allow contact via a contact centre.

You are doing the right thing in protecting your son from these animals.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 22/12/2013 11:39

I think it would be a good idea to respond to the solicitor. IME things can get twisted out of all proportion, so always be prepared for the unexpected. Not responding at all may not look that great if the GP pursue contact via the court.

I'm so sorry you are going though this Sad

HermioneWeasley · 22/12/2013 11:42

Well done for getting this far

As others have said, obviously you shouldn't let them have any access to your children

Is the fact they have actually abducted him in the past recorded anywhere? Did you tell the police at the time?

nkf · 22/12/2013 11:45

Your poor woman. That is one of the worst things I've heard on MN. Of course they can't see him. They've probably got some plan up their sleeve. If later, you - and he - decide it would be good for him to see them, then you could use one of those contact centres.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 11:46

Thank you all.

It really is chaos. So hard too. Its the nightmares that are killing me at the minute Sad

I have all the phone numbers needed. I just find it difficult to talk about in RL.

I will phone solicitors monday and just tell them a plain and simple "No".

Thank you all. Hope you all have a fantastic christmas xx

OP posts:
Capricorn76 · 22/12/2013 11:46

After the stunt they pulled at the nursery, I wouldn't even want them on the same street as my child. YANBU.

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/12/2013 11:48

Youthecat

The op is correct school and nursery have to act on instruction from both parents with PR. unless there is a court order precisely setting out what they can't do.

So I'd dad phones up saying they will be collecting then they have no choice but to let them,

The week before dad could have kicked the living shit out of mum in the playground threatened to take the child and never return done so in full view of all the staff ad if no court order is obtained they have no choice they still have to hand over.

op good choice just ignore and have nothing to do with them, given the circumstances you describe even if they took you to court the likelyhood of them getting anywhere is slim to none and the longer they have no contact for then the less likely it gets that they will.

Oh and if I was your SW and you talked to me about you facilitating contact with them I would be massively concerned about your ability to protect your dc.

Quite aside from abduction ect in DV situations family members of the perpetrator rarely have any desire to keep the children away from the perpetrator and will actively seek out opportunity to assist with them having contact with the kids, even at times when its dangerous to do so because its never there precious son/brother/sisters/dads fault. (Its also a regular occurrence with sex offenders)