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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let grandparents see grandson over christmas

136 replies

wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 09:17

Split up with my ex in early november. Domestic violence. Police, solicitors, social worker, domestic violence advocate and therapist involved. All are backing me.

I was advised to stop contact altogether with ds dad as he was extremely emotionally abusive. Not just to me, to my kids also - his son included.

He breached his non molestation order and is up on trial in janurary.
Although we are hoping it falls through as there is too much against him.
Everyone will state they want the non-mol kept in place.

Only ive had his parents contact me via a solicitor asking to see ds over christmas.

I feel awful about this. His mother did threaten that i would never see my son again when they took him from me for three days.
This has left me somewhat worried and im having nightmares about every which way he can be taken from me.
Exes parents coming to see my son is one way they could take him.

I know if they did i would get him straight back, but it was far too traumatic the first time. I cant put myself or my dc through that again.

So would i be being unreasonable if i didnt allow contact to take place?

Not at least until i have gotten over them taking my ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 11:49

Yes it is recorded with the police, and everyone else who is involved

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 11:50

My sw has been concerned and has insisted that i have a support worker as my decisions arent very good. Be it through being controlled or not - i need help in being able to trust myself

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 22/12/2013 11:52

Well I was going to say its nice to be nice and let them have contact. But wow, after what they did? They can fuck right off and then fuck off some more.

DontmindifIdo · 22/12/2013 11:58

OP, I remember your thread at the time, this is a big fat NO. Or just ignore.

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/12/2013 12:01

See this is what pisses me off about people sometimes, and how they view domestic violence.

People who commit domestic violence are not decent good people and parents, people who condone and assist domestic violence are not good people or parents.

If domestic violence is occurring in a household with children then that is also child abuse.

Your SW is correct. Keep as fair away from them all as possible and get as much RL support as you can.

creighton · 22/12/2013 12:03

if your solicitor has written to you, make sure that s/he understands the situation and instruct him/her to have no contact with these people. do not respond to them in person as everyone else has said. there is no need for contact through a contact centre, these people are clearly a danger to you and your children.

FCEK · 22/12/2013 12:05

Make sure the nursery are aware that they do not take your child out of nursery. Put the fear of legal action into them.

zipzap · 22/12/2013 12:13

Is there anything you can do to say to your solicitor - at least until the trial but ideally longer - that you do not want your ds to have any type of contact with your ex's family and that if they approach her about it, she is to tell them that you can't allow them any contact because you are worried about the safety of your ds. And that she is not to pass on any requests to you - she can make a list that will be assessed at the time of the trial to see if it is deemed as harassing.

I'm not a solicitor or sw so don't know how to phrase things but would have thought that your sol or sw would. And at least with a trial coming up - you have a fixed time frame plus it would show that you are looking out for your dc.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 12:24

I guess there is no harm in trying that.
If i clearly state to my solicitor that i do not want any of them to have any contact, and for them to stop contacting me regarding that.
Then i suppose any further contact would go down as harrassment.

I wish i could do that with the nursery fcek - i have tried. There is nothing they can do.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 22/12/2013 12:27

fcek

There is no leal action the op could take against them, they are obliged by law to hand over a child in the absence of a court order saying otherwise to or on the instruction of any parent with PR.

They are more at risk of legal action if they don't do so.

Anyone in a DV situation who does not want the other parent to collect the child from any childcare or education setting (if the other parent has PR) is better off just not sending them in in the first place,unless they have a court order expressly prohibiting collection of the child or contact with the child.

AutumnFire · 22/12/2013 14:55

Any person who had ever threatened to, or had actually kept my child from me against my wishes would never see them again, let alone take them again.

People who are willing to do this do not have the best interests of the child at heart, and are willing to behave immorally/illegally to get what they want. Dangerous.

RandomMess · 22/12/2013 14:58

I would ask your solicitor to draft a very poignoint (ap?) response.

"unfortunately due to your past behaviour of... and threats of... you having any access to ds cannot be considered for the foreseeable future" preferably in proper legal speak.

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 15:17

Autumnfire - youre right. I dont believe they do have my sons best interests at heart.

Randommess - that sounds about right. I will suggest that to my solicitor.
The only problem is my legal aid doesnt cover his parents. Only the domestic violence.
So i dont know how that will work. Surely a letter wont cost much

OP posts:
DeWe · 22/12/2013 15:18

His mother did threaten that i would never see my son again when they took him from me for three days

That, to me, and I suspect in law, is a threat to abduct and no contact would not just be reasonable, but also very sensible.

AmberLeaf · 22/12/2013 15:24

Is it possible to get a non mol order or something similar against the grandparents given their refusal to return your son?

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 15:26

Thank you dewe.

Amberleaf - i am really not sure. I very much doubt it as it was over a month ago now. I also couldnt afford it.

I just wish they would leave me in peace

OP posts:
DwellsUndertheSink · 22/12/2013 15:27

"oh dear, the post is so slow this time of year, I simply havent received any notification from a solicitor...."

jacks365 · 22/12/2013 15:41

Op I remember your threads at the time and I'm so glad you are back in control. Talk this through with your support worker they may be able to suggest a method of dealing with this that we haven't thought of ie sending a letter via cab or something. I also know how difficult it is in this kind of situation where the other parent has pr. I lived in fear for a long time that my ex would take the children and there was no pre emptive steps I could take to prevent it. Life does get better. Have a brilliant Christmas with your dc

Beastofburden · 22/12/2013 15:54

I might get your solicitor to reply, because ignoring it looks bad. But the reply could surely state that they have in the past made threats to abduct the child and have in fact kept him for three days without permission, so given the non-mol order and its current breach, you do not feel that any contact with GP is in the child's best interests until the other issues re resolved.

The problem with ignoring stuff or not explaining yourself, is you may feel it looks dignified but to a court it can look unreasonable.

fluffyraggies · 22/12/2013 16:12

I find it strange that your solicitor, OP, is passing on messages from the PILs. They must be paying him/her for that service. Isn't there some conflict of interest there or something? Confused Especially as the solicitor must know that your funding is for the issues with the ex only. It feels like they are 'touting for business' from you, rather than having your interests at heart.

Can someone shed light on that here?

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 16:20

I know they dont have a solicitor as he cant get legal aid and doesnt have the money for a solicitor.

I am getting slightly annoyed with my solicitor for this very reason. I dont like it how im hesitant to answer the phone to MY solicitor as it could very well be with info from his parents - which i do not want to hear!
At least once a week there is a phone call from my solicitor telling me his mother has been on the phone again wanting this or wanting to know that.

I will phone solicitor tomorrow explain no contact will be taking place and id like the solicitors to stop passing messagws over for them, otherwise i will be looking for another solicitor.

Thank you jacks. Hope you have a nice christmas too

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 22/12/2013 16:25

Yes, that sounds like what i'd do OP Flowers

It doesn't seem right does it, that your sol's are happy to badger you with what the ILs want. Let them save up for their own darn solicitor!

Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 16:30

It certainly doesnt feel right. I shouldnt feel uneasy answering the phone to my solicitor.
The question now is - why are my solicitors allowing this?

HE is allowed to contact the solicitor regarding contact. There is nothing anywhere stating GP can do this.
So how can they do this free of charge when i cannot? Wtf

OP posts:
Original poster
wontletmesignin · 22/12/2013 16:33

How on earth can they do this in fact!!!

My solicitor letter that i got about their phone call wanting contact - clearly states that my solicitors cannot do much with my response as my legal aid doesnt cover this.

Yet GP have managed to send me a letter through my own solicitor for what appears to be free.

What the fuck. Is it just me or is this wrong in every sense??

God thats got me quite angry

OP posts:
Hissy · 22/12/2013 16:45

Can you look around for a new solicitor?

instruct your solicitor that he is not to accept or pass on messages to you from these people, that they are harassing you via him and that you are unwilling that legal fees will be wasted on dealing with people who stole your son from you and refused to return him.

There will be NO more talk of contact with the GP, they have ZERO rights.

If the solicitor persists in passing messages from people like this, against your wishes, you will instruct one that doesn't.

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