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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about PIL visit?

111 replies

Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 05:43

PIL are nice people and we get on well. They live about 200 miles and they come to visit us every 6/8 weeks and stay in a hotel (they love the city we live in so like coming here).

We share an iCal for family visits and they put their title bookings on there, but as they only put the dates on when they have booked them, this is a massive bugbear of mine. There is no discussion beforehand about dates, first we know is when they appear on the calendar.

Last night, some dates in Feb popped up. February is busy for us, it's my birthday and anniversary within days of each other and when they want to come down, I will be 34 weeks pregnant.

I am having a complicated pregnancy, same complications I had with ds which saw me in hosptal from 35 weeks.

Ds is much older and will be at his fathers house for the half term that week and dh has a few days off, (they same days they booked to come down, although they didn't know that) and I see it as the last birthday/anniversary we'll spend totally alone being as to do our own thing for years to come.

Dh emailed them to say is it possible for them to come at the end of half term week (they are both teachers) as the dates they want to come are my birthday/our anniversary, and they have thrown thier toys out the pram.

Am I being selfish here?

OP posts:
Chottie · 22/12/2013 05:48

No, you are not being selfish. I think PiL are being selfish, I can't believe they just put dates in iCal without asking you first!! I am speaking as a GM and MiL too.

Stick to your guns and enjoy your birthday and anniversary celebrations. Congratulations on your new baby and I really hope all goes well.

stripeyshoes · 22/12/2013 05:48

If they are staying in a hotel, can you tell them you aren't feeling well and are unable to see them? Your dh will have to stay home to take care of you of course.
They like your city, so might be fine with that. Plus, presumably they will be back to see the baby a few weeks later - so can see you then.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 05:55

Stripey - while they like the city, the only reason they we really down is to see dh. He wants to see them too, he'd get I a strip if they were here and we didn't see them.

Believe me, if this was a year ago, dh would have been in a mood with me and calling me unreasonable, but he's finally grown up a bit now we have a baby on the way.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 22/12/2013 05:55

They can do what they like with their time. They can't insist you do it with them. They don't sound all that nice TBH - extremely selfish sounds more like it.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 05:56

*get in a strop

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 06:01

I am worried about when the baby comes too. Dh didn't meet me until my ds was seven, so he has no idea how stressful/unpredictable having a young baby can be.

He's going to have to talk to them about talking to us about dates first before booking them. I am especially worried about around the time when he/she is born. Ds arrived early and I had a terrible time, my ex inlaws insisted on turning up when we were in hospital and then hen we'd just arrived home. It contributed to me not being able to bf (I have problems feeding and needed privacy and space which I didn't get) and it contributed to my PND. I'm scared if the same thing happening.

OP posts:
Chottie · 22/12/2013 06:06

Loopy - please don't be bullied / talked into doing anything that makes you feel stressed. Does your midwife know that you had PND in the past? Talk to her and make sure that DH knows this too.

You are not being unreasonable wanting a bit of space and time when your baby is born. It's important that you, DH, DS and new baby have time together. All the best

Beccadugs · 22/12/2013 09:03

How irritating!

In the future (especially around your due date) could you block times when visits are suitable? Or put in suggested visit times?

Delurkedforthis · 22/12/2013 09:10

Is there a facility for you to block days on iCal so that they can see that certain times are bad for you even if not actually booked up, iyswim.

So you're not actually lying and saying you're booked but just a general 'this won't work'.

Delurkedforthis · 22/12/2013 09:10

Cross post with Becca Xmas Grin

PicaK · 22/12/2013 09:17

Something's missing here. They sound ok - they stay in a hotel so they don't crowd you out etc.

Is it using this i-cal that's the problem. Do you guys not put in your busy times such as chilling at home? Who suggested using that - you or them?

I can see that if they thought they were doing all the right things and your dh phoned and said "change it" without any apology for the inconvenience or money they might lose - then that could have irritated them.

It doesn't help the immediate situation i know but have you actually asked them to check first?

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2013 09:29

Is it using this i-cal that's the problem. Do you guys not put in your busy times such as chilling at home? Who suggested using that - you or them?

This^^

What's the point of using it if you have to check first? Better to do away with it and phone/e-mail, surely?

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/12/2013 09:32

What we do in our family, is phone each other up and speak about what days are suitable for getting together, be it us to them, them to us, us having their kids or meeting up elsewhere. I know it's revolutionary but there - I've said it.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 22/12/2013 09:39

I think they're selfish to put up dates without asking you first. The last thing you want when you've just had a baby is them just turning up.

However I agree, why are you not putting on it the dates you can't do?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 22/12/2013 09:41

FunkyBoldRibena that's what we do too. Mil says, when can we come down? We look at dates and decide when is best. Surely that's easier, and everyone's happy?

maras2 · 22/12/2013 09:47

You're not BU,but enough with the I stuff and Emails.They have their place of course but for sensitive and personal issues use the phone.Audio calls or skype are a better means of communication in this instance.Best wishes for you and your baby.Let DH do the phoning,you take care of yourself.

maddening · 22/12/2013 09:55

Yanbu but going forward start booking out time on the ical when you def don't want them to visit and at the same time request more advance notice.

MusicalEndorphins · 22/12/2013 09:58

You are not being unreasonable. Let them be disgruntled, people do not always have to have their own way. Your husband only has to politely say that the two of you have plans for some alone time before the baby comes, so please re schedule the visit. He can offer some times that are convenient to be on the safe side. And great idea about putting your non available times on the calendar.

winkywinkola · 22/12/2013 11:10

Wow. Putting in dates without asking is v rude. It doesn't mean the iCal isn't working - it means they're not using it properly. You don't just bung in dates without checking first. I mean, you might not have got round to putting in your dates yet.

You are not at all being unreasonable.

As for them getting a strop on, I would nip that in the bud straight away.

My pil get angry if we are not free on the first dates they suggest to us. They seem to think we should just be free because they are!

Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 11:17

The main problem is dh. He's a lot better than he used to be actually, but he'd move heaven and earth for his parents to come down. I actually put my foot down when I became pregnant this time.

I was pregnant earlier in the year and had a mmc. While I was waiting to miscarry, his parents were due a visit. I had to go along wih it and go out for dinner etc when all I wanted to do was sit in bed and cry. After that I said no more. He put them first all the time.

The iCal was Apple obsesed dhs idea. They were supposed to put I dates they could come down, but what's the point if they have already booked and paid for the hotels?

I need to have a talk with dh. I know they will book thier next visit for after the baby is born without asking, that's unacceptable to me, especially after the trauma of ds birth.

Dh once said to me that he tough his family would be waiting in the waiting room. While I am having a CS - I don't bloody think so! The amount of blood I lost last time, the catherter in, the epidural, trying to breastfeed. I couldn't believe it took me ages having to explain to him that the only people I want to see afterward are medical professionals!

OP posts:
Barefootgirl · 22/12/2013 11:43

Does he absolutely HAVE to phone his family the moment you go into labour? I mean, if they don't know that you're in labour, they won't know when to come, will they? Phone them the day after your baby has arrived safely, and either ask them or tell them to come four days later.

friday16 · 22/12/2013 11:47

The iCal was Apple obsesed dhs idea.

It's a shit idea, though. Proper shared calendar systems, as used in the workplace, allow you to propose meetings, which the other parties can accept or recent. Going to a system where other people can book your time without your agreement is absurd. Tell your husband that it has to stop, or at least only be used as a record of what has been agreed rather than a unilateral means to book time.

friday16 · 22/12/2013 11:48

Dh once said to me that he thought his family would be waiting in the waiting room.

They need to be set some boundaries. That's simply not going to end well.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 11:51

Well I'll be having a planned section, so they'll know the date.

And there's no way I'm having people at the hospital or soon after I get home (this all for my family too btw). I'm also not keen on the whole calling as soon as the baby is born thing either. Ds almost died shortly after birth and ex already had his family en route. They saw him in scbu before I'd even held him, or even seen him properly - I didn't even know what colour hair he had and ex SIL told me. I couldn't believe exh had done that to me. The nurses were so apologetic to me saying they told ex that it was a terrible idea. I'm scared of something like that happening.

Anyway, got better, but honestly, he couldn't fart without telling them before. He's even told them well go to stay with them in April, when the baby is a few weeks old. That won't be happening either.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 22/12/2013 11:56

That's a bit like randomly turning up at the doctors or hairdressers expecting to have an appointment when you haven't booked.

Or turning up at the airport expecting to get a plane