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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about PIL visit?

111 replies

Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 05:43

PIL are nice people and we get on well. They live about 200 miles and they come to visit us every 6/8 weeks and stay in a hotel (they love the city we live in so like coming here).

We share an iCal for family visits and they put their title bookings on there, but as they only put the dates on when they have booked them, this is a massive bugbear of mine. There is no discussion beforehand about dates, first we know is when they appear on the calendar.

Last night, some dates in Feb popped up. February is busy for us, it's my birthday and anniversary within days of each other and when they want to come down, I will be 34 weeks pregnant.

I am having a complicated pregnancy, same complications I had with ds which saw me in hosptal from 35 weeks.

Ds is much older and will be at his fathers house for the half term that week and dh has a few days off, (they same days they booked to come down, although they didn't know that) and I see it as the last birthday/anniversary we'll spend totally alone being as to do our own thing for years to come.

Dh emailed them to say is it possible for them to come at the end of half term week (they are both teachers) as the dates they want to come are my birthday/our anniversary, and they have thrown thier toys out the pram.

Am I being selfish here?

OP posts:
MyNameIsKenAdams · 22/12/2013 12:00

Can you 'block.out' dates in iCal? Maybe a big row of XXXXXXX across each day that doesnt work for you? (including the first three weeks after the birthGrin)

zipzap · 22/12/2013 12:00

What would you put something in the iCal to say no visitors for ever the next month or two as you're really exhausted with pg and want to get settled with newborn so to count you and dh out until they talk to you and you know how things are.

zipzap · 22/12/2013 12:02

Oops. That was meant to say what would they do if you blocked off days.
And I managed to xpost

Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 13:45

I have no idea how they would react to that.

Dh is going to have to talk to them though.

OP posts:
friday16 · 22/12/2013 13:48

I have no idea how they would react to that.

FFS. The pair of you need a spine.

You're allowing your inlaws to book your time, without constraint, in a shared diary, and your worry is about "how they would react to that"? Your husband's under his parents' thumb and the shared calendar thing is a real indicator of that. Just say that he can have his time booked that way if he wants, but you and your children will have nothing of it.

winkywinkola · 22/12/2013 13:49

Why do you have to tell them the date of your section? Tell them a date two weeks ahead of the scheduled one and then have your baby, a bit of time with you and your dh and baby and then tell them you've had the baby early. I ALWAYS lie about due dates after the drama and fuss with my first child from pils. You'd think they'd just had a baby or something.

verytellytubby · 22/12/2013 13:58

Why don't you get rid of the shared calendar? I've never heard of families using it.

purrforamincepie · 22/12/2013 14:01

Loopy, who is looking out for you here? Your H isn't and can't yet be relied on to look after you. Who else have you got? Who would stand up and fight for you in a pinch?

SugarCaneShortCake · 22/12/2013 14:14

It's not the calendar that's the problem - it's your DH.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 14:14

I've got absolutely no one.

It's not really PIL at fault, it's dh. It's not that he's spineless and can't tell them, it's that he doesn't want to. If we live near them, he'd see them everyday.

He has no problem with them coming whenever they want, he'd have them in the recovery room after the baby is born if he had his way.

There's no way he won't tell them the date of the section, and I'll have to stop him from calling his mother the second the baby enters the world.

I'm dreading talking to him about it. He needs to loosen the apron strings, it drives me nuts.

I've posted on here about him before under my old name, when I was miscarrying he basically said that his parents were the most important people in his life, he'd only known me for 3 years so how could I be on par. He's got a lot better, he apologised for that.

OP posts:
HaroldTheGoat · 22/12/2013 14:17

They should be checking first but the stuff about not telling them about the birth or expecting DH it call them is well over the top.

He's just going to have it get more used to telling them when your busy and that iCal business is well daft, can they not just give you a call. Delete it!

HaroldTheGoat · 22/12/2013 14:18

Oh just saw your other post loopy, sorry that's rough and I take it back. Thanks

RandomMess · 22/12/2013 14:25

YANBU

I would be tempted to pull the "I want to do xyz for my birthday and abc or efg for our anniversary so get it sorted"

This is part of a wider issue though and I think seeing a relationship counsellor could be a good idea. Your dh needs to understand that his first priority should be to his nuclear family.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 22/12/2013 14:25

Loopy, you need to get fierce and say this is whats gonna happen, if you dont like it DH, then you wont be apart of the plans either, after your horrid time with DS, you dont need the stress of intruding on your time.

purrforamincepie · 22/12/2013 14:28

Seconding what Lucius said. If you're in the North West I would happily stand guard. [Flowers]

purrforamincepie · 22/12/2013 14:29

Huh,emoticon failure.

HaroldTheGoat · 22/12/2013 14:30

I have never ever ever heard of this arrangement where the PIL can book in time without even asking, fine if they came to the icy anyway and accepted you might or might not be able to see them, but that's not the case here.

Think your going to have to have it out with DH to show him just how bizarre it is.

Gossipmonster · 22/12/2013 14:30

I had to Google iCal Blush

turnaroundbrighteyes · 22/12/2013 14:37

Would it work any better to prepare him for baby's birth by asking him how he'd feel if roles were reversed and you wanted your family there whilst he was recovering from an op, still particularly sedated and half dressed? Might open his eyes a bit to them not being your parents and comfort levels.

diddl · 22/12/2013 15:08

"I had to go along wih it and go out for dinner etc"

No, you didn't.

Look, if they stay in a hotel & you don't want to see them-perhaps your husband can go to them.

As you say, he's the problem.

He wants to see his parents & that's fine-but it shouldn't inconvenience you.

And when he gives birth, then he can say who is in the room/waiting nearby etc.

Who will have your son for the birth-them)

Or someone else so that they don't even have to know you are in?

storytopper · 22/12/2013 15:36

Really feel for OP. I was in a similar position when I was first married and DSs were small. No iCal in those days but MIL would always try to arrange visits with my DH without consulting me. DH was an only child and close to his parents but MIL's ideas about how much time they should spend with us and how much say she should have about how we lived our lives was totally ridiculous.

By the time we were expecting DS1, we were living 400 miles away from them. (no accident). DS1 was due a few days after my DH's birthday. When she talked about visiting, she said, " I don't care when we come, as long as we are there for DH's birthday." Not much interest in her first GC then, just another chance to see her darling son. I really didn't want her around in the first couple weeks as I was hoping to BF and she had already made her views clear about that -i.e. " waste of time". I dug my heels in and insisted on them waiting a couple of weeks to visit - it didn't go down well with the ILs but I insisted DH grew a backbone and backed me up. I don't regret that decision as we had got to know our little DS by the time they came and I didn't feel undermined by her various comments on our parenting skills.

Stand your ground about when you want them to come and make sure your DH supports.

Ledkr · 22/12/2013 15:39

Listen. I have direct and distressing history of this and trust me when I say you cannot rely on dh to put in boundaries you have to do it yourself.
My situation was very similar eg 1st baby for dh and i already had others, teachers so have to visit in holidays.
Dh knew I didn't want them staying here when I came gone from hospital (planned section) and I thought he had sorted it but despite that they trampled all over us and were bastards.
To this day I hate them for what they did and dh hates himself even more.
I had pnd I believe as a direct result and my poor dd1 felt terribly pushed out.
Dh is like a tiger now and protects us all from their ridiculous lack if boundaries but its too late to end the damage and resentment it has caused.
If I could rewind I would have spoken to then myself and made my wishes VERY clear.

fluffyraggies · 22/12/2013 15:52

OP, you're 34 weeks in Feb. What is your due date roughly? How long have you go to sort this out?

I think as other posters have said - you need to plant the idea in your DHs head that neither he nor his family have any rights to be with or near you at the time of the birth. Is there anyone who could be a birth partner for you instead of your DH? It may well not come to such extream measures, but if you can show him how seriously you've thought about having someone else with you at the birth, because of his obsession with his parents, then perhaps he'll start to listen?

Flowers
Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 16:31

My section should be last week in March.

My dad will be staying with ds when I have the baby, but I have set boundaries with him, I've had to as he was overbearing when ds was born too, but I stopped that, so I don't think I will have too muh trouble this time.

It would just be nice to be consulted on when they want to visit. Not to get an update on my iPhone telling me when they have booked a hotel.

I actually asked dh how he'd like to be surrounded by people after a major opeeration, his reply: "I'd want the support". I can't win!

Part of the issue is I am a very private person. I had horrendous trouble trying to feed ds, I really want to bf this time but I know it will basically be me with my boobs out most of the time while I trying to get the hang of it. I want to do that in privacy and I only want dh and ds around me for a while, I wouldn't feel comfortable in front of anyone else.

Dh keeps saying his mum fed him and his sister so why would she care, ffs, my mother is no longer wih us but I'd even feel uncomfortable with her, let alone MIL.

OP posts:
storytopper · 22/12/2013 17:29

He is just not getting it is he? He is talking about whether his mother will care or be embarrassed about seeing you feed the baby. What he should be caring about and protecting is you and your feelings - allowing you the time, peace and tranquility to get to know your new little one and establish BF.

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