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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about PIL visit?

111 replies

Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 05:43

PIL are nice people and we get on well. They live about 200 miles and they come to visit us every 6/8 weeks and stay in a hotel (they love the city we live in so like coming here).

We share an iCal for family visits and they put their title bookings on there, but as they only put the dates on when they have booked them, this is a massive bugbear of mine. There is no discussion beforehand about dates, first we know is when they appear on the calendar.

Last night, some dates in Feb popped up. February is busy for us, it's my birthday and anniversary within days of each other and when they want to come down, I will be 34 weeks pregnant.

I am having a complicated pregnancy, same complications I had with ds which saw me in hosptal from 35 weeks.

Ds is much older and will be at his fathers house for the half term that week and dh has a few days off, (they same days they booked to come down, although they didn't know that) and I see it as the last birthday/anniversary we'll spend totally alone being as to do our own thing for years to come.

Dh emailed them to say is it possible for them to come at the end of half term week (they are both teachers) as the dates they want to come are my birthday/our anniversary, and they have thrown thier toys out the pram.

Am I being selfish here?

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 22/12/2013 17:35

Yes - "Why should SHE care?"

It is you that cares ffs. Ask him if he would like the support and constant presence of your father after an operation on his genitals whilst he is copiously bleeding etc.

fluffyraggies · 22/12/2013 17:45

:(

You don;t have to make any excuses to us here at all! Of course you are entitled to privicy in your own home at such a vulnerable time! If only you had someone to back you up in RL. Is there a best friend you could ask to help support you while you set your ground rules?

It doesn't sound as if you are going to have any luck trying to get DH to 'put himself in your shoes' loopy. It's clearly not his forte. It must be almost impossible for a bloke to really understand what it's like post birth and trying to BF, but if you then couple that with a lack of empathy (empathy being: i can't really know what it's like for you but i respect, comply with and support all your feelings and needs) then you are left with one option:

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN HARD! NOW! For the sake of your 'end of March' self you need to act now and tell him how it's going to be OP.

I think there may well be raised eyebrows from the PILs ... but tough titty.

RandomMess · 22/12/2013 17:52

You need to TELL all of them that when I had DS1 this is how I felt and this is what I needed, this time I know what I need in advance so I am telling you this is what is going to happen.

frustratedashell · 22/12/2013 17:58

I would like to slap your 'd' husband!

Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 17:58

I really do have no one - I'm such a loser really!

Thanks all for understanding. I thought it would come across as me trying to shut them out, I'm not. I just know how I felt after ds and how it affected me for years after. I can't live like that again.

OP posts:
trinity0097 · 22/12/2013 18:00

As a teacher myself I hate going away on the final weekend of the half-term, I want to go away first then be preparing to return to school 2nd half of half term. So I can see why they would have booked the first weekend.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 18:04

I understand that, but that's wheny birthday and our anniversary fall. I've never been precious about either, but this is the last time we'll be alone for years(I have a ds but he's at his dads every other weekend and half the hols).

Plus, I don't really want to spend my anniversary with the inlaws. Plus, first pg I was in a bit of a state at 34 weeks anyway.

They obviously knew what the dates meant when they booked, it pisses me of that they didn't even check first.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 22/12/2013 18:06

trinity the lady having the baby does not want them there though, surely that overrides what the lady who isn't having a baby wants!
Op one thing I didn't try but could work, is to say its drs orders.

Ledkr · 22/12/2013 18:09

trinity the lady having the baby does not want them there though, surely that overrides what the lady who isn't having a baby wants!
Op one thing I didn't try but could work, is to say its drs orders.

Ledkr · 22/12/2013 18:09

I thought I'd make my point twice fit some unknown reason Grin

fluffyraggies · 22/12/2013 18:30

Not a looser! I go through patches of having no one special in my life apart from DH and kids. Other times when i do.

I do hope you manage to get DH on board here. You're not BU at all Flowers

We're all real folk here, behind the nick names, and we all get it and agree with you :)

storytopper · 22/12/2013 18:48

Don't put yourself down OP. You are very important person to your DCs and to your DH, although he is not fully realising it or acting like it at the moment. I feel so much for you as I have been through similar.

DH eventually realised that his DM was quite jealous and trying to be manipulative and he became more supportive.

zipzap · 22/12/2013 20:27

How about saying that you'd booked to go away then yourselves... As a special surprise for dh to tie in with anniversary and your birthday so dates can't be changed. Obviously you'll 'cancel' nearer the time and not mention it to them as you aren't feeling up to it. And then have your own holiday at home without them as you were planning.

And even if you don't use that excuse now, keep it in reserve to bring out later as it sounds like they'll carry on inviting themselves with no checking before they do Xmas Sad

CrapBag · 22/12/2013 20:33

Yanbu.

It looks like your so called dh isn't going to back you up on this. What are you going to do? And I am only asking that because you can't rely on him to do it, he sounds like an idiot when it comes to his parents, who should not be the most important people in his life but clearly they are. It will only get worse when baby is here and they want to visit whenever they want, he will then say you can't say no as its their grandchild.

I really feel for you op.

ChasedByBees · 22/12/2013 20:42

Ask him if he would like the support and constant presence of your father after an operation on his genitals whilst he is copiously bleeding etc.

^ this.

I wish I knew your DH, I'd have some strong words.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 21:29

That's the thing, he didn't mean support for me, he meant for him!

I said I'd be in recovery, I wouldn't be able to gel anything bow my chest, that I felt very out of it after ds. He said, "well who will be there to support me after the baby is born then".

He's pretty fucking clueless to be honest, he was amazed that the baby would be with me at all times, he thought someone would take it off while I recovered or that he'd be on his own with it so would need 'help' from his parents.

I've tried to explain my nbest to him, but he doesn't get it. His only experience of birth has been off the telly - fast labour, a few pushes, pink healthy baby and relatives with cigars outside the room. It's embarrassing to say how clueless he is about birth and how bloody horrific it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopylouu · 22/12/2013 21:32

** feel anything below my chest. Sorry, stupid phone.

OP posts:
mumofweeboys · 22/12/2013 22:26

I like boundaries but did find mil bloody amazing when trying to bf. We weren't close until ds1 was born but she was the only one who supported me with my efforts as dh was useless.

I think it's lovely that dh wants to ring his parents when the baby is born. Naturally pil they will want to see the baby ASAP. Could u agree that they can come down and visit for say two 30 min stints? I camped out (hid) in the bedroom for visits and dh took baby downstairs to show off.

blahe · 22/12/2013 22:42

Support him???? What the heck does he need "support" with?

Maybe wiping his backside? Or cutting the apron strings. ...

My God he is really coming across as pathetic. I think you are going to have ALOT of problems in the future.

Shelby2010 · 23/12/2013 01:07

Have you thought about taking him to NCT classes or similar? Obviously the lessons on labour aren't going to be relevant for you but the ones I went to had a lot of info on what to expect after delivery (bleeding etc), how to look after the baby & how partners can give support especially when establishing breastfeeding. Your DH might be more inclined to listen to an 'expert' telling him you'll need peace & privacy etc. Also he'll get to hear the current guidelines rather than taking his mother's ideas on baby care as gospel....

Also it may help you build up a support network for after the baby is born.

Lambzig · 23/12/2013 11:56

Gosh OP, I feel very sorry for you on this. I had ELCS and the last thing you want is anyone other than DH visiting you in hospital. I don't know what else you can say to your DH to get him to understand. If it's not your PIL, but him, could you have a talk with MIL and explain why you want some privacy and time alone? I can imagine that your DH isn't explaining things properly to them as he doesn't get it himself.

Also, I am so sorry you had a difficult time with DS, I hope you have talked to your midwife about it as you seem to be dreading, rather than looking forward to the first few weeks. Perhaps your midwife could talk to DH?

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/12/2013 11:59

Well if he doesn't understand you will have to actually put your foot down. And mean it. End of conversation.

p.s...You are a human being with feelings and ideas of your own. Make sure he knows this.

CalamityKate · 23/12/2013 12:04

Your DH sounds like a moderately unpleasant mummy's boy. Good luck.

Original poster
Loopylouu · 23/12/2013 12:30

I wish I did have a midwife. I've only had two appointments, both wih different people which lasted 5 mins and consisted them being moderately rude! Different one each time.

I know I have to talk to him, but I am putting it off.

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 23/12/2013 13:39

I think the talk would be starting with you making it very clear that so far, this birth experience looks to be shaping up to be very similar to the last, which ended in PND and ultimately, a failed relationship.

My starting point would be that unless he was prepared to go right back to basics, have a meeting with you and the midwife and open his ears to what is ACTUALLY going to be happening, the first thing you are going to do is get an alternative birth partner.

Yes, that's right. 'Who will support ME after the birth?' - um, that I'd not a sentence that should be coming out of the mouth of anyone who aims to be even a reasonably acceptable birth partner.

Start there. And be absolutely firm.