AIBU about PIL visit?

[Loopylouu]

PIL are nice people and we get on well. They live about 200 miles and they come to visit us every 6/8 weeks and stay in a hotel (they love the city we live in so like coming here).

We share an iCal for family visits and they put their title bookings on there, but as they only put the dates on when they have booked them, this is a massive bugbear of mine. There is no discussion beforehand about dates, first we know is when they appear on the calendar.

Last night, some dates in Feb popped up. February is busy for us, it's my birthday and anniversary within days of each other and when they want to come down, I will be 34 weeks pregnant.

I am having a complicated pregnancy, same complications I had with ds which saw me in hosptal from 35 weeks.

Ds is much older and will be at his fathers house for the half term that week and dh has a few days off, (they same days they booked to come down, although they didn't know that) and I see it as the last birthday/anniversary we'll spend totally alone being as to do our own thing for years to come.

Dh emailed them to say is it possible for them to come at the end of half term week (they are both teachers) as the dates they want to come are my birthday/our anniversary, and they have thrown thier toys out the pram.

Am I being selfish here?

Tell him well you are doing it again and because YOU are doing it, you call the shots.

Has he always loved his mummy more than his partners?

"everyone he's known to have a baby has their family visit the next day, has them involved"

How many people with babies does he know? That he's spoken to properly about it rather than just making assumptions? Because he sounds frigging clueless about babies, birth in general, post-birth-recovery, establishing feeding, and c-sections in particular.

My first baby was a vaginal delivery, no particular problems except that it was long and tiring. My parents were 1.5 hours drive from the hospital and my in-laws 15 minutes drive from the hospital. Neither visited me in the 24 hours I was in hospital....because IT'S A HOSPITAL, not some kind of drop-in visiting centre.

Do you have a mutual friend who has had a c-section who could provide him with a 3rd party point of view on this?

No, I don't have anyone who can talk to him.

The only person who he knows to has had children is his older sister. She can't wipe her arse without PIL doing it for her , they have her children more than she does ever since the day they were born.

Turn it back on him in that if he can't cope with having a child and putting them and his partner first then he should have kept a condom on it.

'I want to be in my house with my baby recovering after a major operation and not hosting a fucking party - is that so hard to under-fucking-stand?'

You need to block out the few weeks before and three months after the birth. Put something like resting/recovering/bonding/sleeping - please ask us closer to the time if we have enough stamina for guests. Thanks x

I think you need to get him to read some posts on MN about recovery and illness during birth/pregnancy/recovery. There are plenty.

Is he always unsympathetic? Has he no empathy at all? Is there any chance he could be on the Aspergers spectrum?

The crux of it is that he is failing to support you at a point where you will be very vulnerable.

He got up his morning wand was all huggy and kissy with me.

I said to him it seems to me as if you are putting your parents feeling a before mine. He said he was sorry if it can across that way and he'll go along with what ever I want him to do.

It's not the same as him properly getting it though, is it?

I know he might be different when he sees the reality. My ex husband was an arse hole (god, I can pick them!) he went on and on about how child birth was easy, how women do it everyday. Even was shocked watching my CS and he aftermath, he never came out with that drivel again and even had a to at his friends when they spouted the same crap.

So maybe it will take the birth for dh to realise the same.

He's already better re pregnancy. At the beginning he was saying how women at his work seemed to get on with it without problems, until I pointed out to him that his female colleagues weren't exactly going to go into details about thier sickness, piles, aches and pains, swollen ankles, painful kicks to the cervix and thier deepest fears with him over the coffee machine. Pregnancy is hard for a lot of women, bu we only usually tell people we trust the intimate, grotty details. Same with birth, he said all the women at work didn't mention birth bein horrible - why would you discuss the state of your vagina with work colleagues!

Anyway, so I don't know where to go from here really. I will be putting my foot down re visitors though.

I am leaving it for today, I want ds to have a lovely Xmas eve. This is the first year in four years I have him for Xmas day, his dad usually wants him Xmas morning (he's got a new family this year though and his new gf doesn't want ds to take the shine off her kids ) so we've ways had to have our Xmas day a day early. I want ds to have a great few days with no atmosphere.

Poor you :( I hope you have a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

After Christmas, what would happen if you showed him this thread?
What would happen if you spoke yo his mum, surely she would be compassionate as she also is a mother?
Or perhaps some manipulation, tell her you have planned a week around treating him so they cant come.

Take each battle as it comes. This is a steep learning curve for him but he can get there. One day he will look back at the stupid things he has said with embarrassment!