AIBU about PIL visit?

[Loopylouu]

PIL are nice people and we get on well. They live about 200 miles and they come to visit us every 6/8 weeks and stay in a hotel (they love the city we live in so like coming here).

We share an iCal for family visits and they put their title bookings on there, but as they only put the dates on when they have booked them, this is a massive bugbear of mine. There is no discussion beforehand about dates, first we know is when they appear on the calendar.

Last night, some dates in Feb popped up. February is busy for us, it's my birthday and anniversary within days of each other and when they want to come down, I will be 34 weeks pregnant.

I am having a complicated pregnancy, same complications I had with ds which saw me in hosptal from 35 weeks.

Ds is much older and will be at his fathers house for the half term that week and dh has a few days off, (they same days they booked to come down, although they didn't know that) and I see it as the last birthday/anniversary we'll spend totally alone being as to do our own thing for years to come.

Dh emailed them to say is it possible for them to come at the end of half term week (they are both teachers) as the dates they want to come are my birthday/our anniversary, and they have thrown thier toys out the pram.

Am I being selfish here?

TJ has it. I so wish I could help. it's wrong that you're in an incredibly vulnerable position and the one person that should be your strongest advocate is increasing your vulnerability tenfold by caring more about himself and his mummy than your needs.

Dear OP's DP

Get a fucking grip. Your beautiful darling wife is undergoing 9 months of strain and possibly throwing up and cramps and swelling and knackeredness and itchiness and incontinence and all sorts, followed by what is MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY, immediately after which she is going to establish breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is not a merely physical action. Being stressed out or unhappy can prevent it from happening, as a woman has to be relaxed in order for her milk to let down. There's a huge psychological component. Now, breastfeeding isn't the be-all and end-all of parenting, but it is good for your baby, usually good for the mother, and, most importantly, IT'S WHAT YOUR PARTNER WANTS.

Your lovely wife, who was traumatised by her previous birth experience and developed Post-Natal Depression, which is a serious disorder, is asking for some peace and quiet in order to establish this.

Your goal in life, for at least the next year is to a) man up and do whatever it takes to nurture and protect your growing family or, b) fuck off and stop actively poisoning your partner's wellbeing with your selfishness and childishness.

Listen to yourself 'Ooh, my wife's having an operation and wants some privacy after, but it's all about what I want, I WANT MY MUMMY AND DADDY WAA WAA I NEED SUPPORT.'

After my C section I basically sat naked with tubes coming out of me all over the place, bleeding from the fanny, leaking milk down my chest, with a catheter in, throwing up, and being ludicrously over emotional. Picture yourself in that scene, bleeding from the cock and leaking from the balls, with them out on display because you're trying to attach a squawling newborn to them - whilst remaining serene. Do you want your parents in law 'helping' because 'they won't mind'?

Dear OP

You are lovely, tell him to sort himself out. Put yourself first and don't be scared. You owe it to your baby to put yourself and him/her first, never mind the PILs' getting narked.

Also have your birthday and anniversary how you want it. Put your foot down and be bolshy, sod em.

Dolly can I be married to you instead please

Thank you. I need to make him see sense, I really do.

He asked me today if I wanted to go up to Camden and do a pub crawl (me not drinking though obv) for our anniversary. At 34 weeks pregnant.

Luckily for him I was preoccupied doing something with ds or I would have throttled him.

Has anyone suggested you filling the I calendar first. Just put in baby due, no visits here over several days or weeks (obviously not actually putting the inducement date but another false one to ensure you have privacy).

Seems the answer to me. Shame you didn't do this previously over your bday etc.

And if DH doesn't like it tell him too bad - he introduced the calendar idea.

Could you phone your MIL and ask her to come the weekend after? Sorry if that sounds a bit obvious but it might just work, especially if youve always been very careful around them.

Also, please show his Dolly's letter!

Shame you didn't speak to him about the inappropriateness of a pub crawl - you missed an ideal opportunity there.

I know I did. But he's not the easiest person to talk to. Any perceived slight on him and he's the master of turning things round. I didn't want to risk an argument in front of ds.

Any perceived slight on him and he's the master of turning things round. I didn't want to risk an argument in front of ds.

And a mummy's boy who needs support after the birth of his child. He sounds a real catch.

:( Op have a non-alcoholic from me :(

OP, I know its difficult to stand your ground, but you must make sure you get the outcome you want for the birth and the days afterwards.

Is he planning on inviting the PIL on a pub crawl too?

ummmm..... I am having real doubts that he is going to step up and be any help to you post delivery. Really think that you need to get "plan B" drawn up.

How old is he?

12?

I know I have to talk to him, but I am putting it off
You are having and hopefully bringing up a child with this man, you're going to need to be able to talk freely.

He's putting his parents before his partner and that is never a good thing.

Well I spoke to him and now he's gone to bed in a strop.

He says I'm not normal, aaa d hat everyone he's known to have a baby has hire family visit the next day, has them involved. He didn't understand how I feel at all. Says he's sick of disappointing his parents (brought up the example of having to stay in a couple of times with them rather than go out when I had severe morning sickness).

I said he's putting then before me, I got the stock answer of I'm not, I'm here with you what more do you want.

He keeps putting thier feelings before mine and I am sick to death of it.

Sorry for all typos, phone with a mind of it's own.

I said he's putting then before me, I got the stock answer of I'm not, I'm here with you what more do you want.

Jesus Christ.

I know, I hate him right now.

Why can't he see things from my point of view just once? He said to me "well I suppose whatever you say goes then". Yes, it will when I've been cut in half and stitched back together.

He doesn't understand no matter how I put it to him. I'm so fed up.

He's fucking clueless too. I said to him I was in or five days on the ward after ds, he actually said "how long will the baby be in for then". Idiot didn't realise the baby would be with me all the time.

FFS he sounds pathetic. Get him to google childbirth and see for himself.

In fact let him go home to mummy and daddy and have a good old chat about it there while you carry on with real life.

I'm just so frustrated that he can't see that it's actually a difficult time for me.

I asked him to see it from my point of view, how scared I was because of what happens the last time etc. I asked him to imagine how daunting it feels knowing that I am having another CS I a few months time.

He replied that he couldn't see it from my perspective because if it was so bad why the hell am I doing it again, he wouldn't have bothered.

He sounds like my Ex. I failed to stand up to him and his handling of the birth of our second DC was a disaster :(

Things are so bad they can never be rectified.

I wish I had an easy solution to offer you but from your posts I think you have a real problem with him and his attitude.

He'd rather upset his wife than disappoint his parents?