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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Need help dealing with extremely difficult colleague

125 replies

Bekindtoyourknees · 19/12/2013 19:47

AIBU to ask you how you would describe my colleague?

We've been working together for 5 years and during that time he has picked fights/started arguments with the majority of the people at work. I am on the receiving end of most of his outbursts Sad

Examples include shouting in our faces, threatening to 'take it outside', swearing etc. Standing in my office, yelling 'you're pathetic, you're pathetic'.

Last outburst was a couple of weeks ago - telling me I'm rude (I think because I said I was busy) and that his wife is rude to him too?

I've complained verbally and in writing but boss won't challenge him (small family firm, only 20 employees, no HR). I actually think the boss is scared of him too - boss ordered himself a swanky new office chair and colleague took it for himself! Boss let him have it and still has his manky old 1970's chair.

Colleague doesn't understand non-verbal signals or body language - he will talk non-stop at meetings and can't see that we've lost interest. If anyone suggests a different way of doing things he says that we're doing it his way unless we convince him otherwise. But he doesn't actually have any authority to implement new systems or procedures.

Colleague's son is also an employee. The son has SN (statemented thoughout his schooling) is high-functioning but not able to do his job without his father's help. Colleague spends approx 70% of his working day doing his son's job, while son plays computer games. Boss is aware of this, but ignores it. Also, his son's incompetence reflects badly on me, as customers blame me for not getting results.

I don't want to have to deal with this any more - angry customers and being shouted at by this colleague. I have learnt not cry, but his outbursts still make me feel sick. I don't have issues or arguments with anyone else at work and neither do my other colleagues, apart from with him.

The worst bit is that he has told me he keeps a list of people who he is going to kill/main and how, because of their past offences. Apparently it dates back to when he was 6 years old. I have no doubt I'm on this list, as is a previous female colleague.

OP posts:
Leverette · 19/12/2013 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2013 20:01

Can the rest of you go together to your boss?

This situation is untenable.

You could also perhaps contact Unison for advice.

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2013 20:02

He sounds as though he has some degree of personality disorder/mental health problem, yes. This is way, way beyond 'rude.'

If your boss won't challenge him over the things you describe, he won't challenge him over anything. You need to find a new job and leave.

RandomMess · 19/12/2013 20:04

Urgh I think I'd be looking for another job! Is that an option?

DameFanny · 19/12/2013 20:07

How about telling your boss that the next time he threatens you you'll be reporting the colleague to the police? Would he get the seriousness then?

Bekindtoyourknees · 19/12/2013 20:07

I don't want to leave my job though. Why should I be forced out because of him? Opportunities in my industry are few and far between.

OP posts:
CranberrySaucyJack · 19/12/2013 20:09

Your thread title is offensive and disablist.

You colleague is just a nasty piece of work.

toobreathless · 19/12/2013 20:11

He sounds foul.

How on earth have you put up with it for 5 years??

CrohnicallySick · 19/12/2013 20:16

Cranberry- really? Why is it disablist? Honestly, AIBU is so peculiar at times, had she posted about a fucking rude man at work, there'd have been posters jumping in all over the place with 'maybe he has SN' or 'maybe he has mental health problems' but because the OP brought it up herself it's disablist?

CrohnicallySick · 19/12/2013 20:17

OP- I would be tempted to keep a log and report it to the police. The last bit at least should be taken seriously, threatening to kill and maim people. And technically, shouting at people in a threatening manner is assault.

Flossiechops · 19/12/2013 20:18

It's not offensive or disablist FFS!

BarbarianMum · 19/12/2013 20:18

You wouldn't be leaving because of him (at least not directly). You'd be leaving because your boss refuses to take any action against him regardless of the total unsuitableness of his behavior (I'm assuming you're not exaggerating in your post).

To most people I'd say 'report him' but who are you going to report him to?

You work for a small family firm where this guy is known to be a problem, and his son a liability and still your boss does nothing? If you complain using whatever complaints procedure is in place, is your boss suddenly going to leap into action? You could leave and sue for constructive dismissal, or involve the police if you feel threatened but honestly you'll just become more embroiled and miserable.

I'm suggesting you leave not because it's fair but because it's likely to be easier on you. But if you are up for a fight then by all means complain - you have plenty of grounds to.

CranberrySaucyJack · 19/12/2013 20:19

It's not OK to armchair-diagnose someone as having a medical condition just because you think they behave like a cunt.

It's hugely ignorant, and offensive to genuine sufferers.

Tinks42 · 19/12/2013 20:21

Well you know full well the man is an arse of the highest order but if you don't want to find a job elsewhere then you'll just have to get on with it really.

SpikeyChristmasTree · 19/12/2013 20:22

Do people actually understand what Borderline Personality Disorder is? It certainly isn't anything that is mentioned in the OP.

XmasLogAndHollyOn · 19/12/2013 20:24

Being an utter cunt is not a mental illness.

MunchMunch · 19/12/2013 20:24

Could you not report him for threats to kill? It sounds very very stressful and tbh I would be taking his threats very seriously and would leave purely for that reason.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 19/12/2013 20:26

What CranberrySaucyJack said! Not sure why you included BPD in there? Do you even know what it is?

Tinks42 · 19/12/2013 20:27

Rather than becoming indignant an being worse than the OP due to her flippant comments that were probably not meant...maybe it would be a good thing if people with the disorder would explain it?

CrohnicallySick · 19/12/2013 20:28

But disablist means somehow treating disabled people as lesser citizens, and I can't see any evidence of that in her OP.

And she hasn't tried to armchair diagnose- she's asking if it is a possibility that the man has something else going on, or if he is just rude. Not saying that he definitely has a mental illness.

Bekindtoyourknees · 19/12/2013 20:28

I think I just wanted to get an opionion as to whether I was being over-sensitive. I don't want to leave my job - I'm good at it and have bills to pay. I'm a single parent, it fits with my lifestyle.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone re: MH issues - I do have experience in coping with psychiatric problems

OP posts:
XmasLogAndHollyOn · 19/12/2013 20:29

Oh get lost Tinks42. Why should someone with a mental illness have to explain it to everyone just to prove that one of it's diagnostic criteria isn't "being a cunt".

Look OP. He sounds vile. He's a bully and your management is incredibly weak, so he knows he can get away with it and does.

He's not mentally ill, he's a poorly managed bully.

Tinks42 · 19/12/2013 20:31

OP the man is a total arse no matter whats going on, he's not going to change, you either take no notice of his ridiculous outbursts which is hard but it can be done, or leave.

XmasLogAndHollyOn · 19/12/2013 20:32

For those of you who need it explaining change the title from

Narcissist, Psychopath, Borderline Personality Disorder or just plain fucking rude!

to

Aids, Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, or just plain fucking rude!

Because a mental illness is no more an indicator of being a twat than a physical condition is.

Tinks42 · 19/12/2013 20:32

Please don't be so rude Xmas, its uncalled for.