Need help dealing with extremely difficult colleague

[Bekindtoyourknees]

AIBU to ask you how you would describe my colleague?

We've been working together for 5 years and during that time he has picked fights/started arguments with the majority of the people at work. I am on the receiving end of most of his outbursts

Examples include shouting in our faces, threatening to 'take it outside', swearing etc. Standing in my office, yelling 'you're pathetic, you're pathetic'.

Last outburst was a couple of weeks ago - telling me I'm rude (I think because I said I was busy) and that his wife is rude to him too?

I've complained verbally and in writing but boss won't challenge him (small family firm, only 20 employees, no HR). I actually think the boss is scared of him too - boss ordered himself a swanky new office chair and colleague took it for himself! Boss let him have it and still has his manky old 1970's chair.

Colleague doesn't understand non-verbal signals or body language - he will talk non-stop at meetings and can't see that we've lost interest. If anyone suggests a different way of doing things he says that we're doing it his way unless we convince him otherwise. But he doesn't actually have any authority to implement new systems or procedures.

Colleague's son is also an employee. The son has SN (statemented thoughout his schooling) is high-functioning but not able to do his job without his father's help. Colleague spends approx 70% of his working day doing his son's job, while son plays computer games. Boss is aware of this, but ignores it. Also, his son's incompetence reflects badly on me, as customers blame me for not getting results.

I don't want to have to deal with this any more - angry customers and being shouted at by this colleague. I have learnt not cry, but his outbursts still make me feel sick. I don't have issues or arguments with anyone else at work and neither do my other colleagues, apart from with him.

The worst bit is that he has told me he keeps a list of people who he is going to kill/main and how, because of their past offences. Apparently it dates back to when he was 6 years old. I have no doubt I'm on this list, as is a previous female colleague.

I think it sounds very likely that he is mentally ill actually. It would be extremely rare for a person without a personality disorder to behave this way.

He probably doesn't have a diagnosis though, many people with PD don't until there is a crisis of some sort.

And you know that how, gettingtogrips? Please share with me your qualifications in psychiatry so I can bow to your superior knowledge.

OK XmasLog- but AIDS, cancer, MS don't have any bearing on a person's personality.

A mental illness conceivably . Not saying that everyone with a mental illness is an arse, but that being an arse be a symptom of a mental illness.

For example, people with Asperger's Syndrome can commonly be perceived as being rude, if they can't understand non verbal signals.

Someone who has hallucinations for whatever reason could say rude things as a result of those hallucinations.

I think it's actually commendable that the OP hasn't just called the man rude, but has considered other explanations.

In the way that whenever there is a thread about children having a tantrum, SN is mentioned. Well this man is effectively having tantrums, so shouldn't SN be considered here too?

I really do not see the OP intending to cause offence I see a genuine question. My answer it that it does not sound like rudeness, it sounds like he has mental health issue or personality issues and should be getting help for these. The fact is OP you have no control over that and by all appearances neither does your boss so either you document the issues and go to your boss or you change jobs. Things cannot continue as they are.

I know plenty of people with PDs and they are not all rude or cunts. HTH.

Aarrrghhh being an arse is not a symptom of a mental illness!!!

Actually, physical illnesses CAN have a baring on a person's personality.

Chronic pain, perhaps a tumour, lesions etc, all of these can affect how someone behaves.

Id go with the bully syndrome on this one.....

I just think that, on balance and from the little we have been told, he probably does have a PD.
I do work on a psychiatric ward and have some experience of people with PD but I admit that no, I'm not a qualified psychiatrist.
Why are you do sure he doesn't? (1 in 20 people in the UK do)

I do agree about it isn't e same as cancer/MS in tht it CAN affect behaviour.

Asking- Is this man rude?

And then later asking 'if he might have a mental health problem which could affect his behaviour? ' would be more appropriate, possibly?

I don't really care about whether the OP intended to cause offence. I have a personality disorder. It does change things by not being hurt by her, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't get annoyed about it (not that you said anything about that, of course).

Another example- I occasionally met a man while out walking my dog. Whenever I saw him, he was stumbling and walking erratically, basically acting drunk. After I saw him a second or third time, I suddenly thought, maybe he isn't drunk all the time, but has some sort of disability that causes him to behave this way.

The next time I saw him, I looked him in the eye and said 'Good morning' with a big smile. He smiled back- and I am 99% sure that he was disabled rather than drunk.

By your definition, that was disablist of me to consider that he might have a disability.

XPost with Xmas I hadn't thought about that. I know someone with a brain tumour who's behaviour changed dramatically a bit before diagnosis as a result.

He may do but being an arse is not a symptom of a PD and you cannot diagnose unless you are an experienced psychiatrist who has spent a decent amount of time with the individual.

You need to check the definition of borderline, how offensive!

It seems to me that this dreadful man isn't challenged so of course he will continue to do what he does.

It is disablist to have this line of thought - "that person is a real cunt and behaves in a very bad way......must be a personality disorder"

Good point about the tumour Xmas- I do actually know of people with brain tumours who have undergone personality changes. And lesions in MS could again cause personality changes.

Would Zombie's suggestion of using the umbrella term of 'mental health problem' or just 'disability' be better? Because I still think that asking if there is a reason behind someone's perceived rudeness is a valid question.

Can people stop hijacking the OP's thread?

OP this issue is really up to your management to deal with. The stuff about the chair is just he obviously thinks he is untouchable and the hit list thing is scary. Personally I would be discreetly asking colleagues to keep a log of his behaviour for a few weeks and do the same yourself. Present the logs to boss and say we are no longer prepared to tolerate this - what are you going to do about it? Threats to kill are a criminal offence.

He may well have a personality disorder of some kind - equally he may be a twat and a bully. Your boss is the one who needs to go through a disciplinary process with him. Having lots of logs / statements gives your boss some ammo to work with.

Good luck.

Candy- she didn't say 'must' she asked 'could'. There's a difference.

That's a straw man argument Crohnically - The issue here is the assumption that if someone is being nasty, they must be mentally ill, rather than just being nasty.

Sorry OP, Funny is right. Like I said earlier, I'd be tempted to take this to the police- especially if you can get colleagues to back you up, or have concrete evidence (has he ever texted or emailed threats?)

Funny Who made you the thread police?!

Blimey, now you have to report him to the police or he may have a brain tumour... The man is a bully and you're boss needs to stand up to him.

Although I still fail to see the difference between:

"OP- AIBU? This kid was being a brat!

Every other poster- ah, but they might have SN!"

(Which is assuming that if a child is being a brat they must have an SN rather than just being a brat)

But it's not OK to ask (not assume) if a 'nasty' person might have (not must have) an underlying disorder.

How on earth is sugges ting that someone has tendencies that may fall within a recognised range of sociopathic behaviours disablist? Remind me of the law that was passed preventing such comments? wtf is 'disablist' anyway? As opposed to disability discrimination? Its just another makeu up hung on mumsnet, isn't it?

Will mention of DSM V be banned on here as well? He certainly sound, as thought he might be on the sociopathic scale OP, such people do exist, and I find it discriminatory to censor the mention of such people.

Your boss also sounds effete, and the whole workplace badly run. It must be very stressful working there, especially the death threats.

Am honestly horrified at the lack of empathy from some posters who have tried obsessively to focus on your post title. Its really very strange, and they might wish to think about how they come across to others...