Need help dealing with extremely difficult colleague

[Bekindtoyourknees]

AIBU to ask you how you would describe my colleague?

We've been working together for 5 years and during that time he has picked fights/started arguments with the majority of the people at work. I am on the receiving end of most of his outbursts

Examples include shouting in our faces, threatening to 'take it outside', swearing etc. Standing in my office, yelling 'you're pathetic, you're pathetic'.

Last outburst was a couple of weeks ago - telling me I'm rude (I think because I said I was busy) and that his wife is rude to him too?

I've complained verbally and in writing but boss won't challenge him (small family firm, only 20 employees, no HR). I actually think the boss is scared of him too - boss ordered himself a swanky new office chair and colleague took it for himself! Boss let him have it and still has his manky old 1970's chair.

Colleague doesn't understand non-verbal signals or body language - he will talk non-stop at meetings and can't see that we've lost interest. If anyone suggests a different way of doing things he says that we're doing it his way unless we convince him otherwise. But he doesn't actually have any authority to implement new systems or procedures.

Colleague's son is also an employee. The son has SN (statemented thoughout his schooling) is high-functioning but not able to do his job without his father's help. Colleague spends approx 70% of his working day doing his son's job, while son plays computer games. Boss is aware of this, but ignores it. Also, his son's incompetence reflects badly on me, as customers blame me for not getting results.

I don't want to have to deal with this any more - angry customers and being shouted at by this colleague. I have learnt not cry, but his outbursts still make me feel sick. I don't have issues or arguments with anyone else at work and neither do my other colleagues, apart from with him.

The worst bit is that he has told me he keeps a list of people who he is going to kill/main and how, because of their past offences. Apparently it dates back to when he was 6 years old. I have no doubt I'm on this list, as is a previous female colleague.

Thanks to all the posters who empathised/advised me how best to deal with this - I really appreciate it.

As for all the posters who hijacked the thead and offered no constructive advice whatsoever - one day you too might find yourself in my position.

While the title is unfortunate, and arguably irrelevant, perhaps the thread can move on to how the OP can actually deal with this situation.

When was the last time you made an appointment and actually spoke to your boss about this employee. If others agree with you, there may be strength in numbers.

If you are not being protected from workplace bullying, frankly your boss is sitting on a timebomb of legal claims and tribunals for constructive dismissal, not to mention the loss of efficiency as staff go off sick with stress. Perhaps he/she needs this pointing out?

Sociopath and psychopath aren't medical diagnoses. Dissocial or antisocial PD are the nearest in diagnostic classifications but they aren't the same. It's tricky to argue that the behaviours associated with those conditions aren't unpleasant although there is also some debate as to whether it's helpful to consider them mental disorders either.

In general people with antisocial personality disorders are considered entirely responsible for their actions just like anyone else and it is counter-therapeutic if this is somehow used as an 'excuse'.

Again, there are more personality disorders than antisocial PD. Borderline is completely different for example.

I have nothing to say about WHY he behaves in this way

Ultimately, I don't think it matters for OP, who is a colleague trying to find a way forward so she doesn't have to work in this environment, not a medical professional or involved in her colleagues personal life.

After all even if you knew he had or did not have x condition, would it change the fact that you should not be subjected to this in your workplace and that's the issue here?

I think you and every other colleaue who is being affected by this all need to approach your boss again OP, collectively, and politely but firmly ask what he's going to do about it, because you are being bullied and the situation can't go on like this

Also, can I ask if there's any prospect of you being able to find another job if this doesn't get better?

Ah, I see the title has been changed. Good. Solutions?

As for all the posters who hijacked the thead and offered no constructive advice whatsoever - one day you too might find yourself in my position.

And one day you might find yourself in my position of having a specific medical condition that subjects you to stigma, ignorance and intolerance from the general public everyday, and then you'll realize why it's so important for people to speak up against disablism.

Even if it means hijacking a thread on an internet forum......

Just call the police. Your boss may well be relieved to have someone come in and do the discipline for him.

www.gov.uk/raise-grievance-at-work

Stage 1:
Write/tell employer of complaint.
You have done this - no action on part of employer (you are aware of, or at least behaviour of collegue hasn't changed).

Stage 2:
Write to employer and request details of how to raise a formal grievance.
Your employer is required to have this by law.
This will set off a chain of events. Your employer could get spooked and realise you mean business and pull his finger put with regards to his HR responsibilities. Or, he arse covers and things get difficult for you. Be prepared, keep notes/diary of events.

You can contact ACAS for advise.

Great advice, Cereal.

Cranberry

I am confused by your thread. Are you abusive to your colleagues due to your condition?

But surely if you have a mental illness, you are more likely to be behaving in a negative way?

disclaimer I am not saying that negative actions and mental illness go hand in hand. It is just more probable.

No-one should have to put up with this abuse at work (or anywhere else come to that), whether the person doing the abusing has MH issues or not.

cereal has given excellent advice above. Good luck to you OP.

OP, are you keeping a diary of events?

OP

Sorry I haven't waded though the derailing to see if this has been suggested but have you been to CAB or got a quick legal opinion. You could leave and claim constructive dismissal perhaps.

While I agree you shouldn't have to leave if you find your position untenable and your boss won't do anything about it, you may find a tribunal the only way forward.

Bekind

Were it just office bullying then it would be a management/union issue. I think the threats to kill and maim should be taken at face value and reported to the police non-emergency number.

I am a MH service user and agree there is a massive problem with general perceptions of MH but I do not agree with the aggressive banner-waving and soap-boxing in this thread. The OP is living in an intolerable situation and needs some support not haranguing

Leave. This is exactly why I will never work for a small firm.

I used to keep a diary of events and made reference to it when I complained in writing. I believe the boss spoke to him, but the behaviour still continues.

There is no point me making a formal grievance, I did that regarding another matter and got nowhere. At that point I had the choice of staying or going for constructive dismissal but I chose to stay.

I am certain that if I had to leave and went to a tribunal it would find in my favour. But it would have to be explained at future interviews - maybe off-putting for a potential employer? And in the meantime I would not be earning.

Jinglebells - excellent post.

OP - document everything over a period of time & follow CerealMom advice.

Good luck

This is probably terrible advice, so just ignore me really. But if I had been pushed into the position you now find yourself in, I would start screaming and shouting back at him. Next time he screams in your face, start screaming, an actual blood curdling scream and don't stop until he does. He'll either shut up in shock or try and take it further (maybe physical, in which case you can go to the police and have him done). That's probably terrible advice but I'd probably do something like that in your situation.

OP You won't consider leaving your job nor raising another formal complaint so not else you can do really.

Could your company consider outsourcing HR? Your boss won't deal with situation so this could be your answer? Maybe add payroll or another service into the outsource and say it is to save money.

Constructive dismissal is hard to claim, is done through the courts not the employment tribunal system as with unfair dismissal and is basically just a breach of contract claim for lost wages, not damages.

What cerealmom suggests is good. id also discretely film one or more of his outbursts. Although it may not be admissable as evidence, it might be useful.

Can all employees affected not get together and sign a written statement requesting his removal for intolerable behaviour?

The suggestion to stand up to him and exacerbate his behaviour so you have something more to go to the police with is also interesting.

If you think you may be developing a stress related illness as a result of this conduct in the workplace, go to your doctor, have it diagnosed, make your employer aware of it and then it will be reasonably foreseeable should you suffer further injury/illness due to it not being dealt with.

Firstly, I would get advice from Acas or your union legal advisor. If this man is behaving in a threatening and violent manner then I would call the police. Nobody should have to suffer threats of violence, in the workplace or anywhere else. I would make sure you have a record of all the preceding incidents and the grievance procedure you have followed.

Well the behaviour isn't good. I have a suggestion however you will need to do it carefully. I have a colleague who would start rumours and get her cronies to bait the rumouree and then say the resulting behaviour was unacceptable. A few of us were on the receiving end of this behaviour. We surreptitiously tape recorded the baiting as evidence should we ever need to use it. You do have to inform the person you are recording that you are recording them. Perhaps you could record him and let him listen to how he sounds? Maybe he honestly doesn't realise?

It might be that he was bullied at some point and that his reaction was to bully back louder and longer, and that that had been a successful coping mechanism in the past. As an adult, that's not the best way of dealing with conflict and maybe he just needs to learn new ways of behaving? Some people can't see where they are going wrong and how to go right iyswim?

How about getting this thread moved to Employment Issues? There you will get a more balanced view, from HR types like Flowery, instead of this constant hijacking about diablist stuff, MH definitions etc. This is just not helping the OP, who has a very very serious, legitimate problem.