Need help dealing with extremely difficult colleague

[Bekindtoyourknees]

AIBU to ask you how you would describe my colleague?

We've been working together for 5 years and during that time he has picked fights/started arguments with the majority of the people at work. I am on the receiving end of most of his outbursts

Examples include shouting in our faces, threatening to 'take it outside', swearing etc. Standing in my office, yelling 'you're pathetic, you're pathetic'.

Last outburst was a couple of weeks ago - telling me I'm rude (I think because I said I was busy) and that his wife is rude to him too?

I've complained verbally and in writing but boss won't challenge him (small family firm, only 20 employees, no HR). I actually think the boss is scared of him too - boss ordered himself a swanky new office chair and colleague took it for himself! Boss let him have it and still has his manky old 1970's chair.

Colleague doesn't understand non-verbal signals or body language - he will talk non-stop at meetings and can't see that we've lost interest. If anyone suggests a different way of doing things he says that we're doing it his way unless we convince him otherwise. But he doesn't actually have any authority to implement new systems or procedures.

Colleague's son is also an employee. The son has SN (statemented thoughout his schooling) is high-functioning but not able to do his job without his father's help. Colleague spends approx 70% of his working day doing his son's job, while son plays computer games. Boss is aware of this, but ignores it. Also, his son's incompetence reflects badly on me, as customers blame me for not getting results.

I don't want to have to deal with this any more - angry customers and being shouted at by this colleague. I have learnt not cry, but his outbursts still make me feel sick. I don't have issues or arguments with anyone else at work and neither do my other colleagues, apart from with him.

The worst bit is that he has told me he keeps a list of people who he is going to kill/main and how, because of their past offences. Apparently it dates back to when he was 6 years old. I have no doubt I'm on this list, as is a previous female colleague.

Your employer also has a duty to you as his employee to ensure that your work colleagues are safe and competent, and that you are treated with respect in the workplace.

But again it boils down to how you enforce it. Evidence gathering is something you can do just now.

If he mentions his list of people he wants to maim or kill again then ask if you are on it. If he says you are, then go to the police. If he threatens you with physical harm then tell your employer that you are going to report it to the police and report it.

One thought - without getting dragged into the previous discussions - if he does have a diagnosed MH issue I wonder if the your boss is afraid of tackling him because of not knowing how the DDA works. e.g. reasonable adjustment does not equal a free rein to behave how you like.

Has the tread title been changed?

Extremely difficult colleague isn't offensive or disablist?

Am I missing something?

Hi everyone,

Sorry for any confusion, we changed the thread title last night.

Jesus Christ tenminutestory, he has a list of people he wants to maim and kill. He's not 'bad at dealing with conflict'.

Jesus wept the hand wringers are out in force today.

I'm just waiting for the day when serial killers are allowed to carry on murdering people because it's disabilist to stop them because they have a personality disorder.

Mumsnet often makes it feel like that day is not far off.

OP, if you won't leave your job (and I don't blame you) then you need to do something about it, otherwise you're just going round in circles.

I'd contact ACAS for support with the grievance stuff, and the police about the maim and kill list.

Ah, it has!

Fwiw, I don't think it's OTT to report someone to the police who has a list of people he is going to kill or maim. Whether the police will do anything is up to them.

I too have a boss that won't confront a nasty piece of work colleague,but it's not on is scale.

Good luck OP.

It's not normal is it, to keep a hit list? I will think about contacting 101.

OP - you seem to suggest in your OP that most of your colleagues have been given a bad time by this man at one time or another. Do you think they could be persuaded to band together and confront your boss about him? If, out of 20 employees, 18 pitch up in his office demanding something be done (or you are walking out?!), surely he can't ignore that?

Also, I would def call 101 and talk to them about this threat to kill or maim list he has. It sounds very disturbing to me and although it doesn't happen much in this country, look what happens in the US with disgruntled ex-employees! I am not trying to worry you even more - I am sure he is just a mouthy bully but perhaps it should be logged by the police.

I have been in a similar position with a similar type of man (though large company). It dominated my life for 5 years. he was my boss unfortunately and is a woman-hating sociopath. My advice is get the hell out. Nobody should but up with that kind of toxic environment. He will be unemployable anywhere else so won't leave. It's wrong to be effectively pushed out but I have a much better job now, almost doubled my income and am much happier. Look for a new job.

Do contact the police. Its not right.

I don't think anyone else would want to complain about him - I work in a mostly male environment, and think the other guys would see it as weak. Or it doesn't bother them as much as it does me.

Do you know what is disabilist, constantly making people with a disability purely nice,fluffy people.
All people have light and dark, good and bad including people with a disability,being truly inclusive is accepting that you can be a person with a disability and a nobhead sometimes too.
I have 2 brothers with a disability and I teach kids with sen,and they all have unique sometimes difficult quirks,just like everyone else.
This guy sounds like a nob, whether or not he has a disability,a kill list is not acceptable!

Is threatening violence an imprisonable offence?

LOL Seasicksal some people seem to think the thread is all about them!

RenterNomad
Threatening Behaviour is caught by s4A of the Public Order Act 1986
"4A Intentional harassment, alarm or distress..

(1)A person is guilty of an offence if, with intent to cause a person harassment, alarm or distress, he— .
(a)uses threatening, abusive or insulting words or behaviour, or disorderly behaviour, or .
(b)displays any writing, sign or other visible representation which is threatening, abusive or insulting, .
thereby causing that or another person harassment, alarm or distress.
(2)An offence under this section may be committed in a public or a private place, except that no offence is committed where the words or behaviour are used, or the writing, sign or other visible representation is displayed, by a person inside a dwelling and the person who is harassed, alarmed or distressed is also inside that or another dwelling. .
(3)It is a defence for the accused to prove— .
(a)that he was inside a dwelling and had no reason to believe that the words or behaviour used, or the writing, sign or other visible representation displayed, would be heard or seen by a person outside that or any other dwelling, or .
(b)that his conduct was reasonable. .
(4)A constable may arrest without warrant anyone he reasonably suspects is committing an offence under this section. .
(5)A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable on summary conviction to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 6 months or a fine not exceeding level 5 on the standard scale or both.]"

It can result in a prison sentence depending on the circumstances.

The most obvious defence for the collegue to raise would be that he didn't intend to cause harrassment, alarm or distress. However, as his behaviour has already been complained about I'm not sure that would work.

Thanks, ChazsBrilliantAttitude.

It is obvious to me. You go to the police and tell them you work with a man who has made a list of people he wants to kill, how he will do it and the list was started from when he was 6 years old. It is then up to the police what they do, it isn't for you to decide. Maybe then the boss will get the courage to sort out the work situation.

I doubt you will do it though so you have to find a way to live your life while being bullied.

He sounds pretty unhinged.

You have my sympathy OP. This man is just a bully who has been allowed for some reason to get away with it by your boss.

Unfortunately you will have to leave this job because nothing will change. Your only hope is that someone joins the firm who has a backbone and can put the fear of God into this nasty man.

Imagine what it must be like for his poor wife.

The only ones hijacking the thread are the ones who are posting sarky daily mail esque comments. The rest of us have moved on and are trying to help the OP. Anyway, looks like HQ agreed, so it's been removed and we can move forward, supporting the OP who - labels aside - should not be working in this environment. It's not fair on her.

Actually I was very careful not to label my colleage - I asked how you would describe him. I could have labelled his son too, but didn't.

Other things that I find "odd" about him:

1. He has no friends. He goes out socially, once a year with his wife for a meal with another couple. He has told me that all the people he used to consider friends have pissed him off.
2. He takes offence at the slightest comment, no matter how innocuous or innocent, as if he's looking for a reason to start an argument.
3. Everything he (or we) do, has to be planned meticulously. Eg, we had a new drinks machine installed at work and he got annoyed with me because I got myself a coffee without reading the instructions. He looks over my shoulder and gets cross if I download an update for my PC without reading every single word first.
4. When he uses the scanner in my office (about 5 times a day) he will bang on it like he's playing the drums and make random noises as if he's trying to get my attention.

These things on their own don't sound so bad, but when you add them up, along with the aggression, it makes it so difficult to work with him. I am constantly treading on eggshells.

Anyway, I have reported to 101, they are coming to see me on Monday.

1, 2 and 4 can be explained away.

3 and 5 can't. I have worked with an extremely controlling colleague before and now how hard and stressful it is. I think you're brave for taking it on, it's not easy. When I was in the same situation I just left.

Will they see you at home, or in the office?