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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed (MiL and Christmas presents)

112 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 19/12/2013 00:46

Just received a box of gifts from MiL, there are 3 gifts for DS (9 months) a card for all of us and a cheque for me and DH. DD (my DD, DH's DSD) doesn't get a gift.
Now I know that DD isn't MiLs biological GC and DD is 14 so also understands this but DD has had to adjust in the past year and a half to me and DH getting married and her brother being born. DD feeling part of the family as much as her brother is very important to us and I think she'd be a little hurt to not get even a token gift when the rest of us do.

AIBU to think MiL was a bit mean or at least very thoughtless?

WIBU to wrap a small gift for DD and claim it's from MiL?

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 00:48

The cheque is for you and DH to put some away and by something for DD, isn't it? Xmas Smile

lottieandmia · 19/12/2013 00:48

YANBU - she sounds horrible. Who does that??

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 00:48

By = buy

AndYouCanDance · 19/12/2013 00:51

Yanbu. How thoughtless.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey · 19/12/2013 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caitlin17 · 19/12/2013 00:57

Why can't the cheque be for all 3 of you. Maybe your mil hasn't a clue what to get a 14 year old girl. I wouldn't.

ebwy · 19/12/2013 01:00

I'd get your husband to phone and ask if his stepdaughter's gift is coming separately because he's worried that it may have been stolen by someone at the post office because it wasn't in the parcel..

JollySantersSelectionBox · 19/12/2013 01:00

Use the cheque to buy DD a present, isn't that really what it's for.

And if it's not make sure DD writes a nice thank you letter for the item she bought using step granny's money.

Does she ignore her birthday too?

I never get this. I spend money on my neighbours and friends kids, why is it so hard to swallow buying a present for a new member of the family? Confused

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey · 19/12/2013 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 19/12/2013 02:32

does your daughter get a present from her paternal grandparents?

Caitlin17 · 19/12/2013 02:55

ArtexI really wouldn't know what to get a 14 year old.

But whatever the thinking was the OP can avoid her daughter being left out by telling her the cheque was to be shared, what would she liked to buy with her share. It'll bring it home to mil.

I don't think buying a present and pretending mil bought it is sensible at all. Mil will have no idea what daughter is on about when she thanks mil, whereas " this is what I bought with my share of what you gave mummy and whatever she calls step father" brings it home to mil without her being put on the spot .

Caitlin17 · 19/12/2013 02:58

ArtexI really wouldn't know what to get a 14 year old.

But whatever the thinking was the OP can avoid her daughter being left out by telling her the cheque was to be shared, what would she liked to buy with her share. It'll bring it home to mil.

I don't think buying a present and pretending mil bought it is sensible at all. Mil will have no idea what daughter is on about when she thanks mil, whereas " this is what I bought with my share of what you gave mummy and whatever she calls step father" brings it home to mil without her being put on the spot .

MumofWombat · 19/12/2013 04:05

I would make a point of saying to your MIL ' thank you so much for the cheque for DD, she got x/y/x with it'.
And then after Christmas your DH needs to have a conversation with her so that she knows the done thing is to include her dsgd when buying presents in the future.

MidniteScribbler · 19/12/2013 04:52

Don't play silly passive aggressive games. Your DH needs to pick up the telephone and advise his mother that you are now a family and she either buys for all of your children, or none at all. Nothing else is acceptable, and unless she immediately puts a cheque in the mail to cover the present that you will have to buy this year and wrap and put her name on it, that you will be sending all of the gifts back and not having any contact with her until she treats you like a family. Anything less is simply not acceptable.

LindyHemming · 19/12/2013 04:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magesticmallow · 19/12/2013 05:12

If that had happened in our house my dh would hit the roof!!! He would either (a) buy something from mil and then call her and day I bought DSD x from the cheque, she will think its from you but don't you dare ever exclude a member of my family (b) return all the presents and tell the bitch to pelt shit at herself if she thinks she is welcome in our house ever again!!

I am really cross for you, what sort of person leaves a child out like that? Cow!! It definitely wouldn't be a pretty conversation here, you are together long enough to be married with another DC so its not like she doesn't know your dad or you just met. Ignorant nasty woman!!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 19/12/2013 05:16

Nasty behaviour.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 06:12

I have a family member who acted like this to her DS's DSS.
She was not in general a horrible person, grew up in a different era maybe.

It's not right but she honestly didn't see him as family (didn't help they lived overseas so she'd hardly met him whilst she'd seen her other DGCs at least some before they moved overseas.

Yes, it's awful but a quiet word pointing out families are different now and she needs to act differently would seem to be more productive than the suggestion she pelt shit at herself.

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 19/12/2013 06:32

I think maybe it's just thoughtless. Your DD has 2 sets of grandparents already (probably) so maybe she thought she'd have presents from her father's parents that your DS wouldn't so it evens up.

In her place I would have bought something, though.

Tapiocapearl · 19/12/2013 06:34

How mean!

Iwouldratherbemuckingout · 19/12/2013 06:39

I have 2 dss. My mum would rather gouge her own eyes out than leave them out of anything. They are our family, end of. And who gives a flying frig how many sets of grandparents are in the mix? It's about family, not a tally.

Your MIL is being a reprehensible old trout.

Gingefringe · 19/12/2013 06:43

Did she buy DD a present last year?

How very mean of her to leave out your DD - get something for her from the cheque.

IsThatTrue · 19/12/2013 06:49

Your poor dd!

I'm greatful my mil buys for all the dc even though ds2 is her only biological grandchild. And tbh dd and ds1 have 4 lots if grandparents with 3 lots of great grandparents. Ds2 only has 2 grandparents and 1 great grandparent. But in this situation it's not about being fair in number if presents or value, just bring fair in including all members of family. Wether they be blood relatives or not!

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 07:36

I would assume that the cheque was for all 3 of you and buy your daughter a present with some of it. Just say to MIL, 'how kind- DH got x, I got y and DD got z.
She can hardly say that she didn't intend it to be for DD and if she did then just appear a bit dense and say in a surprised, non aggressive way that you knew she wouldn't have intended to leave DD out.

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 07:39

It does rather force her hand and if she comes out and says that she doesn't want to buy a present for DD then your DH is the one that needs to talk to her and tell her that he has 2 children and if she won't buy for the eldest then please don't buy for the youngest, but I doubt it will come to that. Not buying a present is very different from coming out and stating that you are not going to buy a present.

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