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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed (MiL and Christmas presents)

112 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 19/12/2013 00:46

Just received a box of gifts from MiL, there are 3 gifts for DS (9 months) a card for all of us and a cheque for me and DH. DD (my DD, DH's DSD) doesn't get a gift.
Now I know that DD isn't MiLs biological GC and DD is 14 so also understands this but DD has had to adjust in the past year and a half to me and DH getting married and her brother being born. DD feeling part of the family as much as her brother is very important to us and I think she'd be a little hurt to not get even a token gift when the rest of us do.

AIBU to think MiL was a bit mean or at least very thoughtless?

WIBU to wrap a small gift for DD and claim it's from MiL?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/12/2013 09:17

Like I said I get for the granddaughter but not her brothers... and won't be any time soon. But the dil set that precedent by sneering at my kids joining the family so I assumed that's what she preferred.

Totally different set of circumstances and if it bothers then open mouth and say something instead of seething about it.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 19/12/2013 09:26

my mil did this, they always have no money - and that is fine, they bought my two grown up twins a box of celebrations each but not my eldest son

they are all her sons children

i didn't get it.... i am really not confrontational with family but i ended up going round on boxing day and instead of a calm conversation, i burst into tears and told her what i thought, she didn't apologise but i felt good about myself for having the guts to do it. I think you should ring her and ask her " is this cheque money to be spent on DSD"

HoHoHopasholic · 19/12/2013 09:29

That's so mean. I buy for my friends DSD's, she has 2ds's with her husband but I couldn't buy for them and not buy for his children from his first marriage. It's only a token gift, same as I buy for her DC's it's just the right thing to do.

Caitlin17 · 19/12/2013 09:31

OP hasn't responded has she? She said the card was to all of them so why doesn't she assume the cheque is not also for all of them ?

TheHippyWhoWearsLippy · 19/12/2013 09:44

Why would some of you assume that the cheque was for all three? It's not difficult to put £10 in a gift wallet & put in in with the cheque with your DD's name in it. God I would be furious, that's just horrible.

HappyMummyOfOne · 19/12/2013 09:52

Perhaps she has assumed that your DD will get presents from her own dad and his family plus from your side so will end up with far more than her half sibling.

Given the card was addressed to you, its not unreasonable to assume the cheque is for all too. I wouldnt write out three cheques.

ViviPru · 19/12/2013 10:04

Why would some of you assume that the cheque was for all three?

It's very dependent on what happened in previous years... if the OP has previously accepted a cheque made out to her & DH on behalf of their family, and not queried as to DDs gift, then that would go some way to explaining any assumptions....

Creamycoolerwithcream · 19/12/2013 10:11

I think DMs and MILs get such a hard time on mumsnet. Whatever they buy/send seems to be wrong. She has sent something, it's arrived on time, what's wrong with that? I think lots of teens would prefer cash to a present.

DorothyBastard · 19/12/2013 10:17

Has she bought anything for your DD in previous years/for her birthdays?

QueenofallIsee · 19/12/2013 10:35

I don't think you are BU at all OP. I remember the first Xmas after my twins were born, my DD was 8. My (admittedly wonderful) MIL produced a massive sack of gifts for each baby (5mths) and gave my DD a book. I said nothing though I wasn't thrilled at the disparity, just made a mental not to push the idea of blended family to my DD as they didn't see it in the same terms. Following year, DD got a selection in line with the others and since then all has been well..found out years later that FIL had been livid and told her in no uncertain terms that was not on. Since then MIL has been a lot more aware and has 2 other step grand daughters now who she has carefully treated the same. I would not make a big fuss but I would ask your husband to quietly point out that she is as much his as the baby in his eyes. Most reasonable people will be OK with that

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/12/2013 10:42

This sort of thing winds me right up. When I visit my nieces I take a few random presents for any random kids that happen to be in the house that day and if there aren't any I jut give them to the nieces instead. I hate seeing some kids get stuff and some not. It's just bloody well not on.

sweetmelissa · 19/12/2013 10:42

I would be furious OP.

I am a foster carer and therefore have had numerous children here for Christmas, often just for a short time. Thankfully both grandparents have always given presents for any foster child here at Christmas time. Though as the foster child usually has numerous presents from their own families too, they often have a lot presents than our own children!!

I agree though that the situation with your MIL does need to be addressed, by your DH if possible. Good luck!

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 19/12/2013 10:46

I would expect a token voucher for top shop or something....but NOTHING, Shock

Mabelface · 19/12/2013 10:52

This sort of thing grips my shit. Not difficult just for her to buy even a toiletries set, tightarsed cow. I am a little sensitive to this as my FIL was very similar in his treatment to my eldest son. I didn't cover for him either, DS1 knew that he was an arse and didn't take it personally.

Caitlin17 · 19/12/2013 11:03

I'll get flamed for saying this but as the OP hasn't come back on any of the points raised, then to be honest I did think "ooh cheque for us, nothing for you" was just the teeniest bit grabby.

A lot of you are saying, oh just get the daughter anything. I honestly have no idea what a 14 year old girl would like. If I had one to buy for I'd give her money rather than any random present.

Mil clearly doesn't know what to buy her son and Dil either. So unless the cheque came with a note saying "here is a cheque for you, named dil and you, named son , to buy things for you" this problem is solved by sharing the cheque and letting Mil and daughter know it's being shared.

Caitlin17 · 19/12/2013 11:05

Madlizzy a random set of toiletries almost certainly bought on a 3 for 2 offer, is worse than getting nothing.

fluffiphlox · 19/12/2013 11:31

My OHs brother married a woman who already had two children with another man. I was rather staggered to receive their (the children's) Christmas wishlists as of the first Christmas they were together and it seemed generally expected that we would get them a present. I was then, and am now, surprised that we were expected to treat them as if they were actually related to us. My OH didn't have a problem with it and has always bought them something for Christmas and birthdays. They're nice enough kids, nearly grown up now, and VERY well-provided for by their actual father, but really nothing to do with me! Can you actually have step-nieces and -nephews?
So the question is where does one draw the line family-wise? Preparing to be lambasted as I seem to be well and truly in the minority on this one.

gamerchick · 19/12/2013 11:35

Nah I'm with you fluff. You have to be hard or it never ends.

HappyMummyOfOne · 19/12/2013 11:39

Fluffi, i agree but lots wont. I very much doubt the OP has insisted thats the DD's dad etc buy for her new half sibling but obviously expects her new partners side to buy for both.

Where you have blended families you know it will come with inequalities its just part of that life.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 19/12/2013 12:01

Sorry! Posted this then fell asleep last night, didn't mean to disappear.

To clarify, in previous years MiL bought only for DH nothing for me or DD (sometimes nothing for DH either actually). MiL told me she was sending a parcel with 'some presents and a cheque for you and DH because I don't know what either of you want' so I'm sure she didn't mean to include DD in it.

I think telling DD she's included in the cheque is a good idea.

Also, yes - my DDs Dad and GM bought small gifts for DS (but nothing for me or DH obviously).

OP posts:
Spherical · 19/12/2013 12:07

Does your DH accept this situation too or will he be asking his mum about leaving your DD out of the presents?

Caitlin17 · 19/12/2013 12:14

So basically your mil is someone who has a history of not being terribly good at/or particularly bothered by giving presents (neither of which is a crime, it's not obligatory) and this Christmas at least, as your son is too young to notice, the problem can be solved by sharing the cheque.

LaRegina · 19/12/2013 12:19

Exactly what MidniteScribbler says.

Nip it in the bud now or this horrible woman will drive you nuts for years.

Holdthepage · 19/12/2013 12:21

Definitely get your DD something from the cheque, then get her to send a nice thank-you note to the thoughtless MIL. It might make her think twice in future.

If you don't take steps to nip this in the bud it will niggle away at you for the rest of your DD's childhood. Who would leave an 8 year out at Christmas? The woman is an idiot.

ViviPru · 19/12/2013 12:28

Thanks for the update, OP. I agree with Caitlin, but also think YANBU for feeling miffed. Bloody Christmas, eh. Who'd have it?